We should never leave the impression that a Christian marriage is one where there are no difficulties or conflicts. Some of the most important biblical principles of marriage apply to resolving difficulties that arise. There are good solutions to all problems that we face if we are willing to embrace them. Getting along in marriage involves skills in human relationships and growing to maturity. Since many problems in marriage have to do with selfishness and sin, there are good biblical solutions because the Bible deals directly with sin, repentance and forgiveness.

I want to offer four solutions to common marriage difficulties. The difficulties that one couple face will also be experienced by others. We are all human beings and suffer from similar human failures. Some couples will successfully make it through some of these challenges and others unfortunately will not. Older couples can be of great help to those who are younger because they have already experienced many of the same things and found a way to overcome them. For this reason, the Bible says that older women should teach the younger women. Fathers can guide their sons through many problems because they have already gone that way.

We should believe that there are solutions. Our marriages can succeed. God did not design something that can not work. Your marriage can work if you want it to. Jesus said, "If any man will do my will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." (John 7:17.)

One Christian couple came in to see a counselor as they were very near to getting a divorce. The counselor asked the husband if he would be willing to try something before they divorced. He asked them if they would treat each other over the next weeks as if they loved each other. The man replied that he would not. The counselor asked him if he believed in the Bible; he replied that he did. The Bible says that husbands should love their wives. He replied that since they were not staying in the same bedroom, she was more like a neighbor to him. Well, the Bible says, Love your neighbor. He agreed, but said that she was more like an enemy to him. The counselor reminded him that the Bible says, Love your enemies. He agreed and for two weeks tried to behave as if he loved her. They worked at it slowly until their care and concern for each other returned.

Conflicts occur for many reasons. Some of them, if not many, are trivial in nature and do not require formal apologies, deep emotional expressions of repentance, and forgiveness. But some do because real sins have been committed. Husbands and wives must be mature enough that they are not offended over every little thing. But there is a solution to the problem of sins in our lives. It is repentance on the part of the one who committed it and forgiveness on the part of the one wronged. I am convinced that problems within marriages can be solved if we all practiced forgiveness more. (See "The Fable of Mr. Fouke and Hilda," in Forgive and Forget.)

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph. 4:32.) "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14-15.) These passages apply to partners in marriage as much as to members of the church. Someone wrote that forgiving another is love’s toughest work and love’s biggest risk.

I count this statement by James Buswell an exceptionally important thought: "All forgiveness, human and divine, is in the very nature of the case vicarious, substitutional, and this is one of the most valuable views my mind has ever entertained. No one really forgives another, except he bears the penalty of the other’s sin against him." (Systematic Theology of Christian Religion.) Why do the Jews and Arabs keep on killing one another? Essentially, because neither is willing to bear the penalty of the other’s sin and stop. Each death must be avenged. Thus, there is no forgiveness. Why do couples finally separate and divorce? Primarily, it happens because repentance and forgiveness are lacking. One wronged the other; the other is not willing to forgive.

Robert Muller wrote these words about forgiveness. It is titled, "Decide to Forgive."

"Decide to forgive for resentment is negative; resentment is poisonous. Resentment diminishes and devours the self. Be the first to forgive, to smile and to take the first step. And you will see happiness bloom on the face of your human brother or sister.

"Be always the first; do not wait for others to forgive. For by forgiving, you become the master of fate, the fashioner of life, the doer of miracles. To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return you will receive untold peace and happiness. Here is the program for achieving a truly forgiving heart: Sunday—forgive yourself, Monday—forgive your family, Tuesday—forgive your friends, Wednesday—forgive across economic lines within your own nation, Thursday—forgive across cultural lines within your own nation, Friday—forgive across political lines within your own nation, and Saturday—forgive other nations.

"Only the brave know how to forgive. A coward never forgives. It is not in his nature."

One of the most asked questions about forgiveness is: Should someone be forgiven who has not repented? In marriage, the answer to that is, You must! And there should be a readiness to forgive even before the person repents. The reason that I am convinced that you must forgive even when there has been no formal apology is because there is a tendency for some to cling to wrongs committed against them. They seem to enjoy being hurt. You need to forgive the one who hurt you for your benefit. If you nurse the wound, it gets worse and destroys you. Forgiveness is as much for you as for the other person. It is necessary to rid yourself of bitterness and animosity. Stephen and Jesus asked God to forgive those who killed them. Their hearts were right with God, whether their killers ever repented or not. (Acts 7:60, Luke 23:34.)

Here are six reasons why we should forgive others even before they repent: 1) It is something good that we do for ourselves. 2) When we do so, we are not issuing him a welcome back to the relationship we had before. 3) To give forgiveness requires nothing but a desire to be free of resentment. To receive forgiveness requires sorrow for what we have done. 4) We cannot expect to be forgiven without sorrow for the wrong we did. We should not demand sorrow for the wrong someone did to us. 5) Repentance does not earn the right to forgiveness; it only prepares us to receive the gift. 6) A wounded person should not put their future happiness in the hands of the person who made them miserable.

Here are some nice things that forgiveness is not. Someone wrote that everyone is all for forgiveness until they are the one hurt and now must forgive the one who hurt them. Forgiveness is not: 1) forgetting, 2) excusing (if excused, there is no blame attached), 3) it is not smothering conflict, 4) accepting people socially, professionally, personally, 5) it is not tolerance (the group that puts up with everything in the name of forgiveness will eventually kill itself). Forgiveness is not tolerating an abusive mate or tolerating an oft-repeated sin. Marriage can survive if forgiveness is practiced; forgiving another means that you really love them.

We have heard so much about the importance of communication. Communicating with one another is the lifeline to any relationship. We all have family and friends who live away from us. How do we maintain our relationships with them? By calling them by phone or email, we maintain closeness with them. Let months and years go by without communicating with them and your relationship with them dies. So also with our mates. If you have established good lines of communication with your husband or wife while things are going smoothly, then you will be able to talk when conflicts arise.

There is a natural difference between husbands and wives concerning communication. Husbands usually have about two words to say and one of those is a grunt; wives want to talk and talk about it until they are assured that everything is settled. Husbands should come out of their caves long enough to listen; wives should probably not keep going on the same point.

A wife was talking to a friend on the phone. The friend told her that she and her husband was just sitting around drinking coffee and talking to one another. After the call, the wife asked her husband why they didn’t just sit around drinking coffee and talking to each other. He said that would be just fine. They brewed the coffee and sat across from each other sipping their coffee without saying a word. Finally, the husband said, Well, call them back and see what they were talking about!

There are two important ways in which we communicate. We all practice both of these whether we are aware of it or not. One is verbal; the other is non-verbal communication. Those who study these forms say that when a one-on-one conversation is going on, 7% of how we communicate is by our words, 38% by the tone of our voices, and 55% by non-verbal body language. The most important factor in communication is by what you do not say with words, but with your eyes and body expressions.

The most important element in communication is not talking, but rather listening. If we do not hear one another, there has been no real communication. Have you ever been talking with someone and you can tell that they are waiting on you to stop so they can say something? They did not hear you because they were just waiting for an opportunity to talk. Someone said that we do not learn anything about another person or how to resolve a conflict when we are talking. We learn only when we really listen to the other partner.

As forgiveness is directly related to love for one another, so also is communicating with one another an expression of love. C. S. Lewis wrote,

"It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are. The delight is incomplete ‘til it is expressed. It is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not be able to tell anyone how good he is, to come suddenly at the turn of the road upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then have to keep silent because the people with you care not for it no more than a tin can in the ditch, to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with." (Reflections on the Psalms.)

One of the very best and surest solutions to marriage problems or any other kind of problem in life is to keep on growing toward maturity. Human conflicts arise usually because of immaturity and self-centeredness. If we were exactly the kind of people we should be, there would no sin or conflicts of any kind. But, alas, we are not. The solution then is to keep on striving to understand one another, to understand human nature, and be forgiving to one another.

"Selfishness is the greatest single enemy of a happy marriage. Selfishness is the root of all other sins. When I am at the center of my world, I am out of place and my world is out of balance. The tremors that follow will not stop until they have destroyed something—my marriage, my job, my sanity.

Selfishness is a natural sin. It comes easy." (What Every Family Needs, Carl Brecheen and Paul Faulkner, 5.)

The biblical description of maturity is: "And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity." (2 Peter 1:5-7.) It is: "That as ye have received of us how ye ought to walk and to please God, so ye would abound more and more. For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; and not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God." (1 Thess. 4:1-5.) It is: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2 Peter 3:18.) It is: "For everyone that uses milk is unskillful in the word of righteousness; for he is a babe. But strong meat belongs to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil." (Heb. 5:13-14.)

It is alright to be a young bride and groom with your lives ahead of you. But as the years pass, it is necessary that you grow up. Only by growing to maturity, in body, mind and spirit, will you ensure a healthy marriage as well. A preacher listed as one of several reasons why people should attend Bible classes, on Sunday and Wednesday and any other occasion, because it will help to save your marriage.