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The Rights of Parents For Fathers’ Day Hopewell Church of Christ June 16, 2002
Introduction (This material has been adapted from "Parents Have Rights, Too" a video presentation by E. Ray Jerkins, A Way of Life Video Ministry, Jackson, TN.) The past five lessons have been on "Shepherding A Child’s Heart." Since this is fathers’ day, I want to adapt our study to this occasion by emphasizing the rights of parents. We can become so consumed by the demands of raising children that we forget that parents have rights as well as children. Parents can loose a lot of their identity and sacrifice a lot of their needs in the process of meeting the needs of their children. To be successful in parenting, there is a balance that is needed. That balance is between meeting your needs as a human being and the needs of your children. As important as parenting is, there is precious little information in the Bible on the subject. That may mean that we are expected to apply a lot of other Bible principles to this subject as well. It may mean that we should look for a lot of help from those who are older who have raised a family. (The older women should teach the younger, for example.) We also learn much from the way we were raised. God did not intend for this job to become so all consuming that we loose the joy of having a family. We must try to find the positive elements and enjoy our children, homes and families. As in all of life, there are both rights and responsibilities. They go together. To emphasize one without the other distorts the picture and causes much unhappiness. The right to maintain your marriage There is a danger when a home becomes "child-centered"; that is, everything is focused on the needs and schedules of the children. For a home to be stable, it must be "husband-wife centered." Here are some reasons: 1) The home was established upon the primary relationship of the husband and wife. 2) Children will not stay in your home always, hopefully. They will soon marry and leave the father and mother. 3) If a home is child centered, the marriage can fall apart after the children leave. 4) Children are most secure and ready for adulthood when they see a good relationship between their parents. 5) The family is destroyed is the marriage fails. Child or Parent Centered Homes? (Article in Daily Journal, Tupelo, MS, April 11, 1991, by John Rosemond.) "Parents seem to be asking one fundamental question, What’s the secret, the key, to raising a happy, healthy child? For those who are married, the secret to raising happy, healthy children is to give more attention to the marriage than you give to the children. If you succeed at that, your children will turn out just fine. "That answer often surprises people because it isn’t what they’re expecting. They’re set up to hear me say something about building a child’s self-esteem by giving praise or quality time or something equally child-centered. Instead, my answer has more to do with the health of the family as a unit than with any particular person in the family. What I’m saying is that by ordering priorities properly within your family, you give your children the greatest guarantee of happiness you can ever give. "In the years since World War II, we have become increasingly, and neurotically, obsessed with the raising of children. Within the child-centered family, the implicit understanding is that the children are the most important people in the family, and the parent-child relationship is the most important relationship. The more child-centered the American family has become, the more demandingly self-centered American children have become. And the more demanding children have become, the more demanding the task of raising them has become. "Well, if you want raising children to be difficult, you need only put them first in your family, and it will be. By putting your children first in your family, you guarantee they will become manipulative, demanding and unappreciative of anything and everything you do for them. You guarantee they will grow up believing they can do as they please, that it’s unfair of you to expect them to lift a finger of responsibility around the home, and that it’s your duty to give them everything they want and serve them in every conceivable way. "Again, it’s a question of priorities. In a two-parent family, the marriage created the family and the marriage sustains it. The marriage preceded the children, and is meant to succeed them." The right to be the authority in the home Your place in the home as parents is a God-given right. The power of political rulers comes from God. (John 19:11.) All authority among men is delegated authority. You must exercise the authority God has given you. It is both a privilege and a serious responsibility, but you must learn how to function in this role if you are a new parent. Here are some examples. You have the right to say what kinds of food you are going to serve and eat in your home. If children had their way, they would eat pizzas and ice cream all the time. Parents should know what is nutritious and good for the family. You have the right to say what is going to be bought and worn for clothing. If you cannot afford $150 tennis shoes, do not buy them. If clothing is too immodest or suggestive, you have the right to say no. It is amazing what Christian mothers will allow their children to wear out in the public, even to church. You have the right to say what is acceptable speech and behavior in the home. There are some words that are ugly, suggestive and impolite. Parents should not say them, neither should children be permitted to so speak. You have the right to say what the money you earned is going to be spent for. There are necessities in life and there are extras. Our list of necessities is getting longer and longer in America. Every family needs a budget (written or unwritten) to guide the distribution of money. You have the right to know where your children are and with whom they are spending time. Children do not think that you have that right, but you do. As long as they are minors, it is for their benefit and good for you to know and to guide them in those relationships. Parents have the right to teach the existence of God and faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible teaches that parents must teach their children about God. (Deut. 6, Eph. 6.) Other parents may choose to do otherwise, but we have the right to teach the faith of the Gospel to our children. You have that right because God gives it to you. You have the right to discipline your children. In the Scriptures, physical discipline (spanking, etc.) occurs only in the context of the parent-child relationship. (Proverbs, Heb. 12.) It does not occur in any other relationship (a baby sitter, friend, stranger, fellow Christian). If so, it becomes only a punitive act and not an overall part of shepherding from the parents. I had not thought much about it before; that is, whether someone else should spank my child. I am now convinced that it probably would not be helpful to the child. Discipline is a responsibility that belongs to the parents. To have feelings and to express them Adults have emotions too. There are tremendous pressures on parents to handle the responsibilities of running a home. There are many financial obligations and often children are not helpful. Some children consume more than their fair share of the budget. They are demanding without considering the costs and the pressures on parents to meet those costs. Every parent must deal with trying to "make ends meet." There are job-related issues that children are not aware of. How long will I be able to work on this job? Will there be layoffs? Will the plant close? Will I be able to do what is expected of me? Then there are health concerns. Parents are always sensitive about the well being of their children and their own health. Parents often must have nerves of steel. In the midst of all the uncertainties of life, parents must reflect a calmness and sense of security for the children. This can come only by faith in God. Through our faith we seek maturity and under-standing of life. Christian parents above all else want their children to do what is right. They want their children to follow Jesus Christ and be saved eternally. These are heavy issues to bear. The burdens of life can cause parents to be depressed, feel helpless and lonely. Parents can become angry and sad. Parents have the right to have feelings and to express them. It is not good to express adult burdens to children too young to understand. But it is helpful to express your emotions to your mate and to other adults. You have the right to cry. Concerning emotions, I believe that God gave all our emotions and that there is a proper place for each emotion. Some divide emotions into positive and negative emotions. The so-called negative emotions (zealously, anger, lust, etc) are forbidden by some, and only the positive emotions are permitted. But even the "positive emotions" can be misused. We can love the world, for example. (1 John 2:15.) Love is not always a good thing. Hate is not always a bad thing. It depends upon what you hate and what you love. David said that he hated every wicked thing like the Lord. You have the right to your emotions. Vacation from parenting Everyone needs a sabbatical from one’s work; parenting is work. Mothers who are at home all day with the children need some time away from the demands of the children. God gave the Sabbath Day for man to rest. Even the land was given a rest every seventh year from planting and harvest. Single mothers may have an especially hard time finding a time to get away. You will do a better job after taking a break and coming back to your responsibilities again. You have the right to be refreshed and to rest. It is so difficult to leave your children behind with someone else. The minute you drive away from the house, you start talking about the kids and you miss them already. This is all the more reason for some time off. You need a life in addition to parenting.
In performing a wedding some time ago, I said to the couple that after marriage they still had individual rights. The wife did not surrender all of her individual rights to the husband, neither the husband to the wife. They do become one flesh, but they remain two different people. Husbands and wives have the right to their own thoughts, pursuits, dreams, viewpoints, identity and personality. You do not surrender those to anyone when you marry. Neither do we surrender those rights when we become parents. To make mistakes! All parents make mistakes in raising their children. Christian parents suffer the most from their mistakes. They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong and for the bad decisions or behavior of their children. God does not expect parents to be perfect. He expects us to be serious about life and to teach our children the faith of the Gospel. If you have done that, then do not continue to punish yourself needlessly over the conduct of your children. When you make a mistake, perhaps in punishing your children out of anger, then admit the mistake to the child. Children will understand; as they grow older, they will know that their parents are not super-human. They will accept your humanity and shortcomings with forgiveness and grace. They will do so if you admit them and confess your need for God’s help. Things I Can and Cannot Do I can share your life, but I cannot live it for you. I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn. I can give you directions, but I cannot always lead you. I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it. I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe. I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot decide for you. I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you. I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish. I can warn you about sins, but I cannot answer for your actions. I can love you as my child, but I cannot place you in God’s family. I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God. I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make him your Savior. I can teach you how to live, but I cannot give you Eternal life. Author unknown For children who want to be excessively harsh to their parents about their failures, they should remember that they will be parents soon. They too will make mistakes and will need the forgiveness and understanding of their children. Parents have rights, too. |