There are some parenting methods that are just not wise or effective; others are confusing to children because they are inconsistent; and others are harmful and even wrong. We need to discard parenting concepts that we have picked up from magazines and books that do not follow biblical principles. Last Sunday, we named these: a collection of ideas (erratic eclecticism), abusive practices, a refusal to follow God’s will as parents, emotional privation, inconsistency, and allowing or supporting wrong doing by children. There are three positive methods that are effective in shepherding a child’s heart. They are love, communication and the use of the rod. These are biblical methods that work.

Love is so common a word that it is easy to misunderstand its meaning. The world distorts the meaning of love. To describe what most people mean by it would be something like this: Love is a good feeling inside; it is being tender and kind; it is soft and permissive. In the Bible, a much different picture emerges. By this definition, how could you ever love your enemies? How could you ever discipline your children? How could God allow His Son to die on the cross if he loved him? How could we love God whom we have not seen? How could you love your husband or wife in times of sickness, adversity and disagreements? The biblical definition of love is more like this: Love is unselfish; it looks after the needs of the one loved; it is willed as well as felt; it seeks the ultimate good of the one loved and not the temporary good; love disciplines children.

Some parents say that they love their children too much to spank them. At first, this sounds good and is understandable. There is no immediate pleasure or good feeling that comes from discipline. The Hebrew writer said, "Now no chastening for the present seems to be joyous but grievous." (12:11.) Parents do not like to put a child across their lap and spank them. But who benefits from not spanking the child? You or the child? Of course, the parent does, for the moment. But the child certainly does not benefit. Therefore, it is not love at all. It is selfishness and immaturity on the part of the parents. Suppose a parent reasoned: I just love my child too much to inflict pain on them by all those vaccinations for childhood diseases. That is not love at all. It is selfishness. The wise man wrote:

"He that spares his rod hates his son, but he that loves him chastens him betimes." (Prov. 13:24, KJV.) The NIV says, "But he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

And, "For whom the Lord loves, he chastens and scourges every son whom he receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons, for what son is he whom the father chastens not?" (Heb. 12:6-7.)

One of the great blunders that Christian parents make is following the wrong-headed concepts of the world in regard to love. The world does not understand or believe the biblical definition of love. It rejects it. It does the opposite of the teaching of Scripture.

Some call disciplining and taking a strong stand with rebellious children an act of "tough love." It is not tough love. In Scripture that is a part of the normal definition of love. It is not stretching love or distorting it at all. Tender love is a description often of the weakness and immaturity of parents. It is not true love at all. Tough love is normal love, true love.

The Bible says, "God is love." (1 John 4:8.) If our definition of love cannot be applied to God, then our idea of love is wrong. God chastens and disciplines his children. He punishes wrongdoing. He punished sin on the cross, allowing his own Son to die as an act of love for lost mankind. He will punish evil forever.

Whatever we do in our methods of parenting, they should be guided by biblical love. This will keep us from abusing our children; it will guarantee that we watch after their eternal well being. It will keep us focused, not so much on how we feel, but what the Bible teaches about love and obedience. It will help us to shepherd their hearts, not just correct their behavior.

Communicating is much more than just talking; it is much more about listening and discerning what is going on in the heart of the child. It is dialogue, not monologue. Solomon wrote about that common problem with man.

"A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself." (Prov. 18:2, KJV.) The NIV reads: "But delights in airing his own opinions." And, "He who answers before listening----that is his folly and his shame." (Prov. 18:13.)

Have you ever been talking with someone who was not listening? They were just waiting for their time to speak. If so, no real communication is taking place. Solomon calls such a person a fool. How foolish for parents to so treat their children! Even children will know that you are not listening to them.

Long before communication was the buss word among family counselors and psychologists, it was deeply embedded in the language of Proverbs. The communication there is rich and multifaceted. No one can really shepherd the heart of a child unless one can teach. And no one can teach who does not listen to others to know where they are in their growth and understanding.

Really communicating with your children may be illustrated this way. Do not ask them questions that they cannot or will not answer. Questions like: Why did you do that? What were you thinking? In a court of law, when a prosecutor asks questions like that, the defender will arise and say, Judge, the prosecutor is argumentative. There is no real answer expected. We just want to vent our rage. We are being argumentative. We should ask simple questions that they can answer. The questions should be so designed as to reveal the heart. A child may not want to wear a new pair of shoes that you bought. When you try to find out why, you best listen carefully. They may be afraid of being laughed at by schoolmates. Children live in a cruel world too. Other children can put tremendous pressure on them. They will conform to what others expect rather than be the object of laughter and scorn.

Shepherding a child’s heart includes all the rich forms of communication. We should use all of them. They include encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning and teaching. Listen to the various forms in these words: "Warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." (1 Thess. 5:14.)

Encouragement. Children know the pain and disappointment of failure. Like adults, things look hopeless to them at times. Some courses in school are harder than others. Children may need encouragement to do things that at first look impossible. If we rebuke them, it simply makes the task seem harder. We need to tell them that they can do it in time. We may tell them that certain subjects were hard for us as well. Imagine someone coming up to a young man the first time he has tried to lead public prayer and rebuking him for his effort. It might discourage him from ever trying it again. Mature parents know when to encourage, to rebuke, to correct, to teach and to warn.

The father of the prodigal son came home broken-hearted. He was dejected and sad. He felt that he did not deserve to ever be called a son anymore. By listening to his son, the father knew how to respond to the prodigal son. It was not the time to give him a lecture about wasting one’s life. He knew that lesson all too well. Now was the time to show love and support. When the elder brother did not warmly welcome his brother, the wise father knew how to tenderly entreat him to change his attitude. Had the father been harsh to the elder brother, it might have caused the older brother to feel that the father loved the younger son more than he. Instead, the father told him that everything that he had was his and that he could have a feast with his friends whenever he desired. (Luke 15.)

Teaching. This is probably the form of communication that we think about most, but it is not the only form. Parents as shepherds of their children must teach, just as Shepherds of the church must be teachers.

(1 Tim. 3:2, Acts 20:28, Deut. 6:4-9, Eph. 6:4.)

The Greek word for nurture is paideia. (Eph. 6:4.) Thayer says that the word means "the whole training and education of children which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals." It is "instruction which aims at the increase of virtue." (Greek-English Lexicon, 473.) Paideia is a compre-hensive word referring to the overall training, teaching and discipline of children.

Entreaty. In communicating, there is a time to entreat your children. It is an earnest and intense pleading. You can hear it in the voice of the father to the elder brother. The Bible says, "Therefore his father went out and entreated him. . . He said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me and all that I have is thine." (Luke 15:28, 31.) There is earnest entreaty in these words: "My son, give me thine heart and let thine eyes observe my ways. For a harlot is a deep ditch and a strange woman is a narrow pit. She also lies in wait as for a prey and increases the transgressors among men." (Prov. 23:26-28.) Parents might tenderly entreat their children when they are encouraging them to obey the Gospel, or when they are urging them to do what is right and shun the wrong. Paul’s favorite words in his letters to Christians were, "Brethren, I beseech you."

Correction. Sometimes a child simply needs to be corrected. If what they are doing or saying is wrong (wrong by God’s standards), then they must be corrected. Correction gives children an insight into what is wrong and what may be done to correct the problem. Correction is one of the functions of God’s Word. (2 Timothy 3:16-17.) Sometimes all we need is to be sincerely corrected. A wise person will heed corrections; a fool will not. Aquilla and Priscilla corrected the eloquent preacher, Apollos. Even though Apollos was mighty in Scripture, he was wrong because he only knew the baptism of John the Baptist. When corrected, the preacher accepted the new information and went on his way preaching. (Acts 18:24-28.)

Children may need to be corrected in both what they have learned from others and in their behavior.

Rebuke. A rebuke is a much stronger form of communication than correction. This may be necessary when you know that the child understands right from wrong and they persist in doing the wrong. The child may have said something ugly that was repulsive and inappropriate for anyone to say. In such cases a stern rebuke may be necessary. Jesus rebuked Peter for his words about keeping Jesus from going to the cross.

"Then Peter took him and began to rebuke him saying, Be it far from thee, Lord. This shall not be unto thee. But he turned and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan. You are an offence unto me for thou savourest not the things that are of God, but those that are of men." (Matt. 16:22-23.)

The third positive action of parenting in the use of biblical methods is the place of the rod. Since much is said about the rod in Proverbs, we will discuss this in another message. But love, communication and the use of the rod are biblical methods of parenting that all parents should practice with wisdom and understanding.