See Helping Children Survive Divorce, Dr. Archibald D. Hart, Word Publishing, 1996, for an excellent discussion of the effects of divorce upon children. The author’s parents divorced when he was twelve; therefore, he has first-hand experience of what "divorced children" feel.

My purpose is to see divorce through its effects upon children. So often in the emotional trauma of divorce, we forget about the children. What do they experience when a divorce occurs? How can the parents help their children to adjust and remain emotionally healthy? Seeing divorce through the eyes of a child should motivate parents to look beyond their own needs to their responsibilities as a parent.

Dr. Hart used the telling phrase, "divorced child." (Helping Children, 6.) We most often speak of divorce as applying only to the two adults. But the children feel that one or both of their parents have divorced them as well. He said that he recalled the biblical stories about lepers who were social outcasts. Jesus touched them and healed them. Dr. Hart said that he felt like "a divorced leper."

Children are least equipped to deal with such issues as divorce. Depending upon their age, they may not understand what is happening to them. It is a myth to think "the older the child, the easier the divorce will be on them." It is difficult for all children regardless of gender, but young children adjust more quickly. Another myth: "Staying together is best for children no matter how conflictual the marriage may be." (Article: "Tips for Children of Divorce.") Under some circumstances, it is best for the children and mate to get out a troubled relationship.

The number of children involved in divorce has tripled in the last twenty years. Everyday 2% of American children experience divorce. ("Tips For Children of Divorce," page 1.) A famous child psychologist, Dr. Lee Salk, once said, "The trauma of divorce is second only to death." Divorce is the "forever funeral." It keeps on affecting both the parents and children.

After saying that there are some situations where it may be best to dissolve a marriage---where there is physical danger, physical or sexual abuse, mentally abuse, etc., Dr. Hart gave this advise: "On the whole, however, my experience as a psychotherapist and the available research leads me to believe that, when it is at all possible, trying to save the existing marriage by getting appropriate help is infinitely preferable to trying a second or third one. This course of action is far more likely to lead to a fulfilling and satisfying life for all the parties concerned. And I say this quite apart from the theological or moral implications of divorce that every Christian couple must face!" (Helping Children, 26.)

Our culture has duped us into believing that if our desires, which are mostly neurotic and irrational, are not being met, we have a right to end the marriage. The Bible argues strongly against such a notion. Jesus said, "What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder." (Matt. 19:6.) When we demand our rights while not considering the rights of our children and others in the family, we are simply following the philosophy of the world and not Christ.

First, think about what children loose when the trauma of divorce enters their lives.

1. Loss of one of the parents.

Usually, the children live with one parent while the other one just visits occasionally. One is a custodial parent; the other is a visiting parent. I know a family where a mother left her three young children with the father and has not visited them since she left. These children lost their mother. Another young girl, about ten years of age, lives with her mother in one state, but the father who demands visitation rights lives about 1200 miles away! The parents put this child on an airplane about twice a month and fly her back and forth between them. I wonder how this young child feels sitting on an airplane being torn between two parents.

2. The loss of other siblings.

When there are several children in a family, the children may be divided between the parents. Some live in one home; others at another. The children miss being together. They have lost not only a parent to live with them, but the companionship of brothers and sisters as well. Children may act like they hate one another, but inside there is a hidden love for that despised brother or sister.

3. Loss of family outings together.

Young children enjoy the security of doing things together as a family. Even older children need the security of a stable relationship between Mom and Dad. It is one of the important foundations upon which we build our lives. The family traditions established around vacation times, celebrations of birthdays and holidays are reassuring to children. Children want a world that is dependable and happy. Divorce shatters that world.

4. Loss of financial security.

When a divorce occurs, there is a dramatic reduction in the standard of living for everyone in the family, especially for the mother and children. A Census Bureau report reveals that only 25% of divorced or separated mothers receive child support. A father often promises the children that he will continue to support them and be generous to them, but most do not. A young divorced mother often remarries too quickly because of the financial pressures. The children often suffer the most.

Today it often requires both parents working smoothly together to support their children all the way from grade school through college. If the parents are divorced, the children often become discouraged and drop out of college. They simply cannot make it alone.

5. Loss of the ideal home.

An intact home with both parents present has an important symbolic significance for children. It is their ideal and preferred lifestyle. Having lofty ideals provide good motivation and positive direction in life. Once those ideals are lost, we settle for something less. Divorced children loose this sense of idealism.

6. Loss of faith in their parents.

The saddest loss for children is the loss of faith in their parents. They feel betrayed by those who brought them into this world. They were taught from birth to trust their parents, that their parents would take care of them, and that they would always seek the best interest of the child. This disappointment in their parents is a painful loss.

7. Loss of faith in God.

Loss of faith in parents can become a loss of faith in God. We learn to trust God as our "father" first from the way our parents take care of us. If our parents, in fact, do not take care of us as children, we may loose faith in God to provide for us. In addition, children may pray to God to help settle the problem between the parents. If the child feels that God did not hear his prayer, there may be a loss of faith that God even exists or that God hears the prayer of a divorced child.

8. Loss of hope for the future.

Children are full of expectations about life. The future is before them. They dream of what they will become and they have a child’s faith and hope about good things before them. Divorce can shatter those fond hopes and dreams.

9. Loss of self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the value you place upon yourself; it is how you view yourself among others around you. Damage to a child’s self-esteem usually comes from the indignities caused by other people’s reactions. The child fears what other people think about them. One teen boy was afraid that girls would not want to date him. It was an unfounded fear, but it was the loss of self-worth that he felt.

When children are treated like pieces of property to be bartered, when their feelings and wishes are ignored, when they are used as hostages by one parent trying to gain a material or emotional advantage over the other, or when a child is used as a weapon to satisfy an urge for revenge against the other spouse, you have a circumstance that has the potential to do a great deal of harm the way a child values himself.

A major consequence of every divorce is the crushing blow it deals to the self-esteem of all those involved, especially the children whose self-concepts are still in the process of being formed. Divorcing parents must be aware of this damage and seek to minimize it.

One of the major factors in a healthy self-esteem is knowing that you are loved. All of us need unconditional love, especially from our parents. One author wrote correctly, There is power in the consciousness of being loved. Another factor is the acceptance of imperfection in our lives and in the world. The most beautiful people

of all are those who know that they are not perfect but who are comfortable with that fact. It takes time and maturity to reach that point in your life. It is easier to accept the fact of our imperfection in the context of a family that loves you.

Here is a brief description of how children feel by various age groups. This material is found in "Divorce and its Effects on Children," Barbara Cyr, 2-3.

Preschoolers aged 3-5. These children experience feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety. Boys become noisier, angry and more restless. They tend to sit alone and won’t play well with friends and often they disrupt group activities. At this age, they may regress and act younger than their age.

School age 6-8. This group has the hardest time coping with the divorce of their parents. Boys in this group seem to take it the hardest. Most psychologists believe this is due to the fact that when fathers move out, the boy loses a constant male role model. Girls still maintain their identity with their mother. Both boys and girls experience sadness and will cry openly at the marital break-up. They both feel rejected by the departing parent. Boys become weepy and miss their fathers quite intensely at this age.

Ages 9-12. These children feel the sadness of the 6-8 year olds, but usually this changes to anger at both parents. This group can be persuaded to side with one parent against the other to assign blame. Half of the children in this age group suffer from poor school grades. They also have trouble getting along with friends, they also have physical complaints, such as headaches and stomach aches. Some children will sacrifice their own needs in order to comfort the parents.

Adolescents above age 12. They can react in many ways. They usually deal with divorce better than younger children because they are so involved in their peer group and are becoming more independent from their parents. They can distance themselves from the parental relationship. These children are concerned with whether they will be able to stay in the same school, go to college, or have lasting relationships or marriages in their futures.

But for all children, there is a predictable pattern of responses. Depending on the age of the child and his maturity, these feelings will be more severe in some than others. And boys usually suffer the most. Dr. Hart wrote, "There is no doubt in the minds of many psychologists that boys are harder hit by divorce than girls. The reasons are not hard to discern. Boys are taught in our culture not to show painful emotions. They are told not to cry and act like men. Boys tend to deny their negative emotions more than do girls." (Helping Children, 22.)

Fear and anxiety. Children, especially younger ones, do not always see a divorce coming. In some homes, the conflict is less visible and audible than others. No matter how open or hidden, the final announcement of a separation and divorce is nearly always a surprise to the children. Their first emotional reaction is one of panic, fear, and anxiety. Divorce is a threat to the child’s very existence as he knows it, an unsettling of everything stable and certain in life. It is an emotional earthquake of the highest magnitude and shakes the very foundations of security. It is natural that children will feel fearful and anxious.

Abandonment and rejection. Just as the spouse feels abandoned by a mate who leaves, so do the children. A small child will think, If Mom or Dad really loved me they would not leave me. The child is right. Love, the lack thereof, is at the heart of the problem. The mother who left her three children did abandon them. If the one leaving is already seeing someone else who has children, the divorced children will feel rejected even more. Older children can understand the difference between the parents separating from one another and the parent abandoning them, but younger children cannot.

Loneliness and sadness. After a separation of the parents, the schedule at home changes drastically. There may be more peace and quiet, less tension and wrangling, but the silence can be just as painful. Some children after a divorce for the first time in their lives feel deep sadness. They have suffered loss, as mentioned above. In this state of loneliness and sadness, they may neglect their pets, chores, homework, and sport activities.

Frustration and anger. Divorced children primarily want love, security and happiness. They want things to be the way they were before the divorce. Because life will never be the same again, they cannot get the things that they want, they may become frustrated and angry. Anger constitutes a major adjustment for the children of divorced parents.

"Every divorced child is likely to be an angry child. I say every because in my experience surrounding the rare exceptions I have encountered are so unusual, they are not worthy of attention." (Helping Children, 103.)

It is not wrong to be angry. Anger is always dangerous because it can lead us to do wrong things. But it is not wrong for children or adults to be angry. Jesus was angry with those who changed the house of prayer into a place of merchandise. Children’s lives have been affected drastically against their wishes. They have little control over what their parents do. They have a right to be upset. Most children are able to manage these feelings without causing severe problems.

Remember that God designed the human body and emotional system. Every feeling, both the positive and negative emotions, have a useful purpose. Even the positive emotions can be misused. Christians have a problem with knowing how to express the negative emotions. We often bottled them up and never learn how to express them. We should allow children to be whole and express how they feel. Working through those emotions is far better than denying or suppressing them.

Anger as a response to frustration. It is a well-established psychological fact that whenever we are frustrated by a blocked goal, we get angry. This is a natural law built into us. Frustration comes when there are obstacles in the way that you cannot remove. Privileges that you once enjoyed are now gone.

Anger as a response to hurt. Adults and children get angry as a response to hurt. It is the most common form of anger. The hurt can be physical or psychological. People play hurtful games with words. Adults know how to hurt others. We do not physically abuse one another, but we do often abuse one another psychologically. This is a difficult thing to handle because it is not physical and visible, but the damage can be more severe than physical pain.

Divorce is a highly charged emotional event that test the character and best defenses of the strongest among us. You may be the most competent mother or father, a skilled worker, a caring physician, a successful businessman, and have every aspect of your life outside your marriage under perfect control. But the moment divorce takes over, the chances are high that it will bring out the worst in you and dredge up your weakest features. You become prone to making the worst mistakes of your life.

Parents should be especially careful when they are dealing with the psychological stability, physical and spiritual well-being of their children. Just as a surgeon would give his most careful attention to the patient, so must parents in dealing with the effects of divorce on their children. Here are some common mistakes that divorcing parents make.

1. Use the children to strike back at the other mate. Adults often play cruel games with children caught in the middle. Why does one parent try to block the visitation rights of the other parent? Why does the father not pay the child support? (Only 25% pay what they should.) Why would parents demand that a child be sent back and forth on an airplane twice a month for visitation? It is not because they love the children so much; it is because they have learned to hate one another. The children are used by parents to strike out at one another. Whatever the reason, it is always the child who suffers from these conflicts.

2. To use the children as spies. This is as bad as it gets in a divorce. One teenager said, I hate it when my mother asks me questions about my father. Divorced children have a right to not be used as messengers between parents, not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents. The mother should not tell the child to remind the father that he is behind on his child-support and to send the check by the child. Children need to be free to love both parents and not to take sides. Children express love so freely without strings attached. They have not learned to play the cruel games that adults sometimes play.

Twin girls whose parents divorced were being used as spies by their mother. She would ask them when they returned from a visit if their step-mother was pregnant. The girls hated this spying game. So they decided to handle their mother’s questions by confusing answers. One of the twins would tell the mother that the stepmother was pregnant; the other would say, No. Then when asked again, they would switch their answers. Finally, the mother realized that she was not going to win the spy game.

3. By making promises they cannot keep. Often parents, due to guilt and wanting to ease the children’s pain, will make ridiculous promises. One father asked his daughter if she would like to go with him to Hawaii in the summer. This gave the daughter some hope that she really might get to go to Hawaii. But when the summer came, the father could not afford the trip.

Parents will promise trips, gifts, doing fun things together, and not keep those promises. Unfulfilled promises teach children that they cannot trust anyone, especially those closest to them. It is far better never to promise anything than to fail to keep a promise. God teaches us not to vow if we do not plan on keeping it. (Eccl. 5:4-5.) If you don’t promise anything but then give something, the child has a bonus that he did not expect. Bonuses and surprises are better than disappointments any day!

Conclusion. Divorced parents often do not consider the long-term harm done to their children. They often rationalize that the children will soon get over it. Of course, many children quickly adjust to new living arrangements at home. But no one should think that the short-term responses are the only ones to handle.

"Studies show that ten years after their parents’ divorce, 30% of the children cope successfully in life, while 40% have mixed successes with relationships, and personal problems. The remaining 30% continue to struggle with significant relationship and personal problems. ("Divorce and its Effect on Children," Barbara Cyr, 3, quoting the study of Wallerstein, 1989.)

The way in which children handle divorces strongly related to the manner in which parents handle the divorce. Parents who cooperate with each other during and after the divorce help their children in their own adjustments. One of the most harmful elements in a divorce is constant parental fighting.

In the short-term, during the first year following a divorce, mothers are less available to their children. The adults usually find themselves working more hours to support the family than before the divorce. The parents are having to spend more time handling their own emotions, and cannot give adequate attention to the needs of the children.

The good news is that children need not suffer with life-long scars from the divorce of their parents. They can lead mature, emotionally balanced lives. It all depends on the behavior of the adults and the environment in which the children live afterwards. The National Center For Health Statistics (NCHS) states that the divorce rate has been stable over the last few years, compared to the soaring rates between 1960s to 1980s. Most sources state that one out of every two marriages end in divorce. ("Divorce and its Effects on Children," Barbara Cyr, quoting a study by Teyber, 1992.)