Oh, the wonder and difficulty of marriage. The joining of two individuals, man and woman, in marriage so that they become one is a trying and challenging process. The difficulty of it lies in the fact that both must be refined and polished in order for oneness to occur.

Two neighbors were talking over the back fence. One said, I went to a wedding this weekend, but I do not think the marriage will last. The other asked, Why not? Well, said the neighbor, when the groom said, I do, the bride said, Don’t use that tone of voice with me! Another groom when told by the minister to say, I do, if he agreed with his statements, replied, I will try! The minister said, The words are, I do, not, I will try.

There is a lot of good material available to aid us in our marriages. One such book is Living Together In Knowledge, Don and Jane McWhorter, 1988. Two articles in the book deal with "A Woman’s Feelings" and "A Man’s Feelings." Here are some excerpts:

"A Woman’s Feelings" by Jane McWhorter: "Please take time to look deeply within me. I may say something because it is the proper expression of what is expected. Words have meaning only as they are interpreted by the one who speaks and also by the one who hears. Look at my face. Listen to the tone of my voice. Read my eyes. Walk behind the shell of words and search for my true feelings.

"If my basic needs are not met and my spirit has been wounded, I will probably defend myself in some rather obnoxious ways. I may rebel by being stubbornly defiant. I may nag. I may give you the silent treatment.

"A house is far more than brick, lumber and glass. It is an extension of myself. As a little girl, I played house, papering rooms made of grocery boxes, making curtains, and arranging miniature furniture. The appearance of my home now is important to me because it is me. Buying new furnishings is much like purchasing new clothes for my body. When you thoughtlessly mess up my house, I feel as if you have rubbed mud all over my face. When you criticize my house, you are, in effect, criticizing me. It may be difficult for you to understand; but a move from my house, my security, tears me from my identity." (pp. 26-27.)

"A Man’s Feelings" by Don McWhorter: "For many years of your life, you function on a biological time clock. From young manhood through old age I am basically the same from day to day and year to year. Your entire makeup is geared for living in a world of emotions. My world is basically factual---black and white---plain words and simple actions. This does not mean that I am incapable of feeling emotions. It does mean that my feelings are more openly seen and expressed. I am not coy and find it difficult to express myself in such a manner.

"I find it hard to ask for help or to admit mistakes. Expecting me to stop and ask directions while trying to drive somewhere is almost like asking the impossible. Give me time and I will find it. It may take two or three hours, but I will do it by myself. And never mind that we have just passed the last restaurant for fifty miles. Driving on that fifty more miles is much easier than turning around and going back two blocks. After all, that would be two blocks out of the way, wouldn’t it?

"Men find it hard to talk in the dark while lying down. If you want to talk about something, make a pot of coffee and pull out a chair at the kitchen table and say, ‘Let’s talk.’ With a man, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, when he is in a prone position with a pillow under his head and the room is completely dark, he is ready to go to sleep. Please don’t expect what is nearly impossible for him under the circumstances---conversation. It is just very unnatural to a man to put those two together. Please do not take that as disinterest in you or in any problem you might want to discuss. Instead try changing the circumstances.

"A home may be a man’s castle, but he knows and wants a woman to rule it. (1 Timothy 5:14.) He does not mind chairs you can’t sit on or rugs you can’t walk on, and he appreciates the cleanliness and orderliness a woman brings to his home. But he also desires one little corner, just a spot, to call his own that does not always have to be net or orderly and picked up. Let me have that." (pp. 29-31.)

Some disdain marriage. Feminists seek to destroy the relationship of marriage. A Reader’s Digest article well expressed the attitude of many toward keeping marriage vows. Written on top of a large cake were the words, Smash monogamy. Someone said, It occurred to me that the newly weds were like cannibals as they ate the cake, consuming their own future. In some circles it has become popular to send greeting cards and have parties for those who have divorced to celebrate the occasion. Kathrin Perutz wrote a book titled, Marriage Is Hell, 1973. She wrote, "Our expectations of marriage have transformed it into a ghetto of lunacy where two people put their antic dispositions on to play out roles of their and society’s devising. . . . The expectations of marriage, dreamy and filmy, become a web to imprison the self." The actress, Shirley McLaine, in Look magazine, 1971, wrote, "I don’t think it’s desirable to conform to having one mate. . . . To whom does monogamy make sense? To a muskrat, maybe." George Bernard Shaw, the British playwright, Getting Married, 1908, wrote, "I could fill a hundred pages with the tale of our imbecilities and still leave much untold, but what I have set down here haphazard is enough to condemn the system that produced us. The cornerstone of that system is the family and the institution of marriage as we have it today in England." (page 7.)

The three major arguments against marriage by its opponents are these: 1) Marriage restricts the freedom of the individual to express himself to find personal happiness. 2) The marriage-based nuclear family is a less effective social unit than some of the new alternative life-styles. 3) Marriage stands revealed as a means by which men have enslaved women and denied them true personhood. (We Can Have Better Marriages, David and Vera Mace, 20.)

I believe that opposition to marriage is really opposition to bad marriages. However, marriage as ordained of God is good. If two people live as Christians in their marriage, there can be no valid arguments against it. Arguments against an abuse of a system are not valid arguments against the system. If so, all governments would be invalid; all schools, colleges and universities, all sporting activities, all charity and fraternal organizations, all clubs and societies, missionary work would be discontinued, etc. Where there are human beings, there will be abuses of the system. But that does not mean that the system itself is flawed.

Here are brief replies to some of the objections to marriage.

Marriage restricts the freedom of the individual to find personal happiness. Some argue that marriage promises love and engenders hate. It promises the unfolding of the personality and actually stulifies personality growth. Again, this is an argument against a bad marriage. In addition, marriage is not compulsory. One can choose to remain single. Some people are by nature loners and seem to have little need of human companionship. But the great majority of us are deeply dependent upon the close association of a mate.

I suspect that the problem with the objection centers on the word, freedom. What is meant by restricting one’s freedom? Does freedom mean detachment from all involvement with others, all commitment to others, all duties and obligations, all social responsibilities?? If so, then living on a deserted island should bring happiness, but it does not. The most dreaded form of punishment for prisoners is solitary confinement. It hurts deeply because we are social beings. We need involvement with others; we need to be committed. Someone wrote, "To enter a relationship with the proviso that involvement must be limited in order that commitment may be avoided is like driving your car with the brake on in order to insure against a possible accident. The relationship is, by the very terms under which it is entered, deprived of the possibility of full development." (Better Marriages, Mace, 24.)

Traditional marriages are less effective than alternative life-styles. Sociologists are talking about replacing traditional marriages with other arrangements. Here is where the Bible must be respected as God’s Word. Marriage in Scripture is described as the joining of a man and woman. (Genesis 2:24.) How we should treat one another and live together is taught. Redefining marriage is a social experiment by those who have rejected a knowledge of God and the truthfulness of His Word. Such is playing games with human beings in the name of personal freedom. The end result will be total confusion and pain for everyone involved.

What are the alternative life-styles being advocated? The only other Biblical alternative life-style is to remain single and to live a pure life sexually. (1 Cor. 7:11.) However, that is not what the social scientists have in mind. They are talking about the following: a) the single life involving a series of episodes with any number of sexual partners with no commitment of any kind, b) civilized adultery with the approval of both mates, c) serial monogamy---this is what is practiced in American society, d) multiple marriages---polygamy, e) communal living or group marriage, and f) homosexual marriages. Some of the most bizarre things are now being done in the name of freedom; that is, freedom from commitment.

These are not new arrangements; they have been practiced by some for a long time. Most of the above involve marriage between a man and a woman. They are not alternatives to marriage, but alternative forms of marriage. Those who say that traditional marriage is a dying institution and about to be replaced by something new and radically different do not speak the truth. Monogamous marriage and the nuclear family are very old and very durable institutions. Sexual experimentation is as old as mankind. What we are experiencing now is a new atmosphere of tolerance and acceptance of different life-styles in our society. But the Bible and the needs of human beings have not changed. Man and wife living together is here to stay.

Marriage enslaves women and denies them freedom. Many of the strong voices against traditional marriage have been women. As Christians, we would quickly say, If women have been abused by marriage and if they have been devalued as human beings by men, then we stand firmly against that abuse. But we deny that biblical marriage engenders such abuse. The Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it." (Eph. 5:25.) There is no place for abuse by either husband or wife in a Christian marriage. The headship of the man does not mean that the wife is subjected to a subservient role, that she is robbed of human dignity, or that she has no choices in life. See Proverbs 31:10-31. This woman is an active partner with her husband.

Some religious bodies refer to marriage as being dishonorable and destructive of spirituality. Such is not so. I know that it is not so for the following reasons: 1) God made us male and female. 2) Jesus attended a marriage and performed his first miracle there. 3) Paul used the relationship between husband and wife to teach concerning the spiritual relationship between Christ and the church. Paul wrote that he was speaking about a great mystery between Christ and the church. (Eph. 5:32.) If marriage was dishonorable and destructive to us, such would not have been used as an illustration to describe the church as the bride of Christ.

Marriage is still as popular as ever, even though it has many enemies. There is something natural about the relationship; God made us male and female with needs that only the other can supply. Paul wrote,

"Now concerning the things whereof you wrote unto me, It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence, and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband, and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together again that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." (1 Cor. 7:1-5.)

Having the conviction that marriage is ordained of God, that marriage is a wholesome and good relationship, that what we know about marriage and how it should function comes from the Bible, that marriage is designed to be a blessing to us, we are in a position to understand and benefit from the relationship of marriage. Whenever we see things through the eyes of God and Scripture, we will be blest.

I like the story about a tornado hitting a farmhouse in Kansas just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping, and set it down gently in the back forty acres of their farm. The wife was crying softly. The farmer looked around and determined that they were still alive and well. He reassuringly said, Do not be afraid; we are alright. The wife continued to cry and said, I am not afraid. I am just happy because this is the first time in 40 years that we have been out together!

Men and women may differ in their expectations from marriage. What matters to a man may have little weight with the woman. A woman cares more about feelings, security, and the well-being of the family. A man may be more concerned about providing for the family, paying the bills, cutting the grass, etc. Men are more task oriented; women are more relational. Using political terms, one writer, C. S. Lewis, said that women care more about domestic policy, and men look after foreign policy. The key to making it work is the willingness for the man to look in occasionally on domestic policy matters and the woman to act concerned about foreign matters.

There are powerful motivations to marry. With all the difficulties involved, yet people have gone on marrying on an unprecedented scale. One of the classical statements which expresses the attraction of marriage is this one by Edward Carpenter, Love’s Coming of Age, 1911.

"That there should exist one other person in the world toward whom all openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there should be no concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, as one’s own; with whom there should no sense of Mine or Thine, in property or possession; into whose mind one’s thoughts should naturally flow, as it were to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; and between whom and oneself there should be a spontaneous rebound of sympathy in all the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such is perhaps one of the dearest wishes of the soul." (pp. 99-100.)

I believe that one of the significant attractions of marriage is the great expectation of a better life. Children rightfully look forward to the time when they can leave their parents and direct the affairs of their own life. It is a natural process. Marriage completes each partner. The two become one. It is not good that the man or the woman should be alone. (Gen. 2:18.) There are emotional, psychological and sexual needs that cannot be met alone.

Paul referred to children being under tutors and governors until they mature. He likened such children to those under the Law. At the right time, the fulness of time, Jesus came to deliver man from under the Law. (Gal. 4:1-7.) Children reaching the age of adulthood are like those being delivered from the Law. Believers are married to another, even to Him who is raised from the dead. (Rom. 7:4.)

Those desiring to marry have the expectation of being loved and loving another. Love for one another should be the primary reason for marriage. Dr. H. Norman Wright gave several poor reasons for marriage. They are: 1) pity---one partner has some struggles in life and the other plays the rescuer. This one-way giving will not last. 2) guilt---a couple might marry because they feel guilty over having premarital sex. This is not a good reason for marriage. 3) pregnancy---many marriages follow a pregnancy. Unfortunately, many of these marriages do not last. 4) rebellion---to escape from an unhappy situation at home. 5) rebound---someone is hurting from a previous relationship. They think that marriage will heal the hurt and make them happy again.

Confidentiality and security are other things that we expect from a marriage partner. Marriage, in more ways than one, is exposing yourself to another, making your innermost self naked before the other. This makes many people feel vulnerable. We expect in marriage that making ourselves vulnerable will be respected and held in the strictest confidentiality. This openness with one another will be something cherished between the husband and wife. We will not abuse that knowledge of one another. Everyone desires security in life. We expect that in marriage. We believe that our husband or wife will guard our vulnerability and never make it a matter of shame or regret. Marriages are destroyed when that sense of security is gone.

Adjusting to Diminished Expectations

For most people, as they enter into marriage some adjustments must be made. Some of our expectations were ill founded. "Living happily ever after" never happened as you expected. A storybook beginning turned into bills to be paid and diapers to be changed. There were financial challenges and health concerns. Happiness now seems like an illusive dream. Reality sets in after awhile. He is not the person you first imagined him to be; she is not as perfect in every way as you first thought. How do you adjust to these diminished expectations? Here are some suggestions.

Remember your marriage vows. At the marriage ceremony, you probably did not hear it clearly enough. Stars were in your eyes. Smiles and congratulations drowned out any negative thoughts. You may have wondered why the minister included such things as "in sickness and in health," "in prosperity as well as adversity," and "until death you do part." The minister must have made a mistake. We are not going to have any of that adversity, sickness or death. We are just beginning our lives together. We are not concerned about money, rent, diapers, getting along with one another, and forgiveness because we will always love one another and be happy together!

Being married throws two people into the crucible of change and growth. Be prepared for change and have a willingness to give up your will for a common will. The difficulty lies in the fact that you have not traveled this road before. It is all new. Others may have tried to tell you what it will be like, but you could not hear them fully. It was like listening to Greek. But now you understand what they were saying. Married people and parents look at one another with a great deal of understanding and empathy! We have a common understanding of life due to shared experiences.

Having a successful marriage does not depend upon perfect harmony. It depends upon a willingness to accept someone, your husband or wife, singing off key! The question is whether we are willing to love and accept one another, not whether we always please one another.

There are constant adjustments to one another in marriage. But another major adjustment comes with the birth of children. After your first child is born into your family, life will never be the same again. Your relationship with your husband or wife will never be the same. Another human being enters the picture and changes it forever. Some mistakenly think that having children will rescue a failing marriage. If the marriage is not happy, the coming of children will not fix it. You will then have an unhappy marriage plus a baby.

Tragedies in a family can strain the marriage bond. For others it makes the marriage stronger. The loss of a child is traumatic. Major adjustments are needed to understand the loss and keep on living. Life will never be the same again. But changes in life do not mean that you are losing the game of life and marriage. Changes are opportunities for further growth and maturity.

Husbands and wives must learn to talk, to communicate with one another. We must not assume that the other knows what we think or feel. We must relate to one another often. One good way to adjust to failed or diminished expectations is through talking it over. We need to know what is going on in the life of our mate.

One evening a man and his wife called another couple to see what they were doing. Oh, said the wife, we are just drinking coffee and talking. As she hung up, she demanded of her husband, Why don’t we ever do that? They were just drinking coffee and talking. The husband said, So make a pot of coffee. They sat with their freshly brewed coffee, just staring at one another in silence. Well, call them back, the husband said, and ask them what they were talking about!

I read a story about a little girl who asked a boy if he wanted to play house with her. He said, Okay, what do you want me to do? She said, I want you to express your feelings to me. He said, I don’t know how. She said, Excellent, you be the husband!

"What will make marriage happy and fulfilling is bringing the couple closer together in an in-depth relationship that makes possible the creative sharing of life. The boredom of which so many married couples complain springs not from their being too close, but too far apart. It is not the tight bond, but the empty space, that leads to disillusionment." (Better Marriages, Mace, 57-58.)

Those who study communication say that there are at least three major ways in which we communicate with one another. They are content (7%), tone (38%), and non-verbal (55%). The most effective communicator is one who knows how to use all three of these when conversing with another. These three forms of communication are not to be thought of as being separate and sufficient alone. They exist together. Communication involves good listening as well as talking.