This is the last lesson in our series on becoming aware of controlling tendencies. One thing that we learn as we study such a subject is that we might find out something about ourselves in the process. It is easier to spot these tendencies and outright desires in others, but all of us may, at times, try to control those around us. It is one thing to change the furniture around and put things in the kitchen where you want them, but it is quite another thing to try to control the lives of people around you.

We noted that in the New Testament, James and John desired seats on the left and right in the Lord’s Kingdom. They wanted positions of power over others. The other ten apostles were angered by their requests. Diotrephes is named by John as one who loved to have the pre-eminence. John probably recalled his own controlling tendencies. Jesus said that all power had been given unto him. We should not seek to usurp that power and hurt others in the process.

The damage of being a controlling person is that we destroy relationships with the people we seek to control. Good relationships cannot be built with people who are so insecure that they must have dominion over you. Children will reject this control; employees will; friends will avoid you. No one likes a domineering person who must have it his way. Christian politeness and courtesy would demand that I allow you to have what you desire, at least part of the time. The next time you might condescend to my wishes and allow me to go first.

In the last presentation, we noted the relationship between parents and children. Since parents have a position of authority over the children, and since they are at first dependent upon us, some parents try to continue that dominance over their children even after they are grown. One author, Les Parrott III wrote a book entitled Helping the Struggling Adolescent. Afterwards, he received this letter from a reader. He gave some tongue-in-cheek advise that came in the form of a chain letter.

"This chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike other chain letters, this one does not cost money. Simply send a copy of this letter to six other parents who are tired of their teenagers. Then bundle yours up and send him or her to the parent at the bottom of the list.

"In one week, you will receive 16,436 teenagers, and you can keep one of them. Warning: one father broke this chain and got his own son back!" (Control Freak, 139.)

We must learn the art of allowing others to live their own lives. In every group of people someone will rise to the top trying to control the rest. Here is a good description of what "letting go" means.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring

It means I can’t do it for someone else

Letting go is not to cut myself off

It is the realization I can’t control another

Letting go is to admit powerlessness

Which means the outcome is not in my hands

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another

It is to make the most of myself

Letting go is not to care for

It is to care about

Letting go is not to fix

But to be supportive

It is not to judge

But to allow another to be a human being

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome

But to allow others to effect their own destinies

Letting go is not to be protective

It is to permit another to face reality

Letting go is not to deny

But to accept

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue

But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires

But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it

Letting go is not to criticize and regulate anybody

But to try to become what I dream I can be

Letting go is not to regret the past

But to grow and live for the future

Letting go is to fear less and live more

(From article, "CoDependency," pages 2-3, internet search word, control.)

The attitude of Paul is commendable for all relationships. He wrote to the Corinthians, ". . . to spare you I came not as yet unto Corinth. Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy; for by faith ye stand." (2 Cor. 1:23-24.) While the "super" apostles were trying to supplant the authority of the apostle Paul, he condescended and said that he did not have dominion over their faith. They stood before God on the basis of their own faith.

Some examples of controlling people. The President of Bosnia, Molosovic, exerts undue power over the citizens of that country. His unfair tactics in the election process has been exposed internationally. Thousands protested his strong-willed attitude in Belgrade recently.

President Fidel Castro of Cuba has suppressed the people of that island nation for decades. The people are partially to blame because they have not demanded a change.

Not so many years ago, the people of Romania rejected the communist rule of their President. His love for power was evident. The army carried the President and his wife out of their palace and shot them to death. That is a terrible conclusion to one’s relationship with the citizens of a country. Germany, on the other hand, supported the terrible abuse of power by Hitler in the 1930s and 40s. Millions suffered and died due to his abuse of power.

There is one thing that all such political leaders have in common. In the end, they loose the very thing that they try to control. So do we. This is the irony of most manipulative ploys: They may help us keep people under control temporarily, but in the end they make us lose them altogether." (Control Freak, 177.)

People with positions of political power and those with riches often seek to control part of their world. Most of us know that Bill Gates is a wealthy and powerful man---the richest man in the world. He built a $50+ million home on a six-hundred acre tract of land along the shore of Lake Washington. It has a spectacular, sweeping view of the Seattle skyline, Seattle, Washington. He went to outrageous lengths to control his "world" around him. For example, the house has no visible electrical outlets anywhere because Gates does not like "clutter." The seventy-foot-tall wooden columns that support the roof in the entry area are similar to large logs in a lodge except the logs were specially sanded to create a perfect satin finish. In fact, all timbers throughout the home are nearly flawless in that they have no knots. All the bolts throughout the home are stainless steel and are oriented in the same direction.

Gates felt that an existing cedar tree on the property was not located in the right place and had the entire tree moved six inches! Like other trees on the compound, it is monitored electronically twenty-four hours a day by means of a computer (what else?). If the soil gets too dry, monitors turn the water system on measuring the exact amount of water.

While driving home from work, Gates can fill his tub with just the right amount of water and the temperature desired. If you and I had his resources, we would probably seek to control our environment as well. In fact, from the weather to our health, we all have more control over what happens than man ever had in the past.

Anyone who knew Walt Disney knew that he was a "control freak." He forbade men with long hair to enter the gates of Disneyland. He was furious when he realized he could not do anything to stop the bars, sleazy motels, and strip clubs from sprouting up alongside his 244-acre Magic Kingdom. One day Disney had a Donald Duck style temper tantrum because of this and swore that he would build another Magic Kingdom where he could control its environment. Disney World was the result.

How can we live better lives and allow others to live as well? One teacher and lecturer on humanities, Aldous Huxley, said that after a lifetime of pondering the human condition, the best advise he had to give was, "Try to be a little kinder." (Control Freak, 140.) This is good advise for all of us in dealing with one another. It will help in our relationships with the in-laws, children, mates, co-workers, and in the church. Foy Smith said that one of his favorite sermons after a lifetime of preaching was, "Take A Little Honey With You." (These were the words of Jacob to Judah after Judah had persuaded his father to allow Benjamin to go down into Egypt with him; Genesis 43:11.)

Every relationship can benefit from a generous supply of grace. One author wrote that Christianity’s best gift to the world is grace. It offers the gift of being accepted before we are accepted. Grace does not demand perfection; it does not manipulate or cajole. Grace frees the spirit to let go and let be.

All machinists know what "tolerance" means. It is the acceptable amount of error (plus or minus) which allows the machine to operate successfully. Most things in life operate on the principle of tolerance. The reason is that the world is not a perfect place. We are not building Swiss watches every time we plan something. God does not expect Swiss watches out of us. We need to know that there are acceptable and even desirable tolerances in life. The Bible uses words like, forbearance, patience, forgiveness, grace, kindness. All these words spell tolerance in the machine shop.

One author gave this advise concerning grace. Ask for grace; give grace; and receive grace. No one should demand grace---that is controlling others again. But if you are sincere in your effort to recover from controlling others, you can ask for grace humbly. This is a good first step in healing ruined relationships. We need to receive grace from others and from God; this is good for us to be healed and to know that we are accepted. Be willing and ready to give grace.