The desire of many to control others, in varying degrees and ways, is common. Psychologists say that one of the reasons is a deep- seated anxiety. This fuels the tendency to try to control one’s surroundings. (The Control Freak, Les Parrott III, 47-49.) In the introductory lesson, we noted that some sense of control gives us security and peace. It contributes to our happiness. Also, on a positive note, one who seems to be "a control freak" (Les Parrott’s phrase) often cares more than others about the matter at hand. Paul cared much about his responsibility to preach to the Gentile world. He may have been a bit pushy in the eyes of those around him (John Mark especially). Parents care much about their children. For this reason, they want so much to protect and control the events in the lives of their children.

Even though there are many positive things, there are likewise many negative and harmful aspects of the desire to control others. We can destroy important relationships with those around us. Our desire to control others can have an opposite affect than that which we wish to accomplish. I want tonight to consider the issues involved in the home, especially the parent-child relationship.

Quotable quote: "It is easier to be God than to love God; easier to control people than to love people." (Henri Nouwen, The Control Freak, Les Parrott III, 21.) This is especially true with our children. Do not spend so much time trying to control them as they grow to maturity. Learn to love them.

Quotable quote: "You can be right (your child is going in the wrong direction and needs to correct course) and still be wrong (your words and actions are not helping but hurting)." Peter advised believing wives to be careful about so much talking to their non-Christian husbands. Learn to be silent and just live a good life before them. Are you right to speak to him and try to encourage him to become a Christian? Yes, but you can drive him further away if you do not know when to be silent. (1 Peter 3:1-4.)

Parents biblically should guide the house. The father is charged with spiritual leadership. (Eph. 6:1-4.) Problems arise when there is too little control and too much. We must seek for wisdom to find the proper balance. Too little parental control is as bad as too much. The difficulty is finding the right balance. One key to knowing if you are exercising too much is by what your children and others say. Listen to the observations of others about your behavior. Just because you are the parent does not mean that you have the right to abuse your child emotionally and psychologically. I know of some parents who will allow their children to sin while living under their roof. By that I mean, they allow their teen children to live in fornication, take drugs with their knowledge, and other sinful activities. If you do not oppose it, you are supporting it and you become a partaker of their sins! We are not helping our children when we fail to guide them in the right way.

One parent said that she did not want to teach her children any particular religious viewpoint. She wanted her children to grow up and make their own decisions. There are many problems with such a statement. Parents should know good from evil and they should teach their children. If you do not teach and insist on the right, then you are encouraging the wrong. You should know what God has said about faith and life; this faith should be communicated to your children in word and in deed. (Deut. 6 & Eph. 6.)

For Christian parents this is where the problem arises. We know what the Bible teaches and we desire so much for our children to follow it. But we best be careful that we do not seek to force this faith upon our children. If we do, they will reject it. I will show why in a moment.

Here are some reasons why some parents become too pushy.

1) The surge of assurance that it brings. Some mothers find in their mothering role the power that has eluded them all of their lives. They find that their self-esteem is buoyed by their role as the person in charge, the person who knows what to do and how to do it. Such a mother, dependent and weak in all of her other relationships, thrives in her omnipotent-caretaker role, a role that depends, however, on her children remaining powerless and inadequate.

2) Anxiety and fears. We have noted already the prominent role that anxiety plays in the heart of one who seeks to control others. Eric Hoffer said, "It is when power is wedded to chronic fear that it becomes formidable." (The Control Freak, 110.) A parent may become afraid of the dangers in the world. They know from experience all the troubles that can befall their children. They may be afraid of accidents, sickness, and harm caused by mean people. Such parents become controlling in an effort to shield their children. Parents should learn that they cannot protect their children from every danger and problem that exists in the world.

Parents need to have faith in the Lord. The psalmist wrote, "It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so he gives his beloved sleep." (Psalm 127:2.)

3) I own my child. Parents may feel that the only place that they have absolute authority and control is in the home. They may become unbearable to their own children. Parents should remember that they do not own their children. They are a gift from God.

"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward." (Psalm 127:3.)

Bill Cosby humorously said to his son, I brought you into this world and I can take you out! No, he does not have that kind of control over his son. He does not own him.

4) My child owes me. All parents want to be appreciated and loved by their children. Healthier parents recognize that appreciation is a gift their children may give, not something that they must give. Controlling parents, however, do not see it that way. They feel entitled to their children’s love. A child should not be made to feel that they are owned by their parents, or that they owe them forever. A healthier attitude would be that children can repay their parents by growing to maturity and being good parents to their children. Respect and love cannot be forced upon anyone. They are obtained only through a good relationship with your children.

Teens, college students, and even grown children sometimes feel that their parents intrude too much into their lives. Some parents never learn how to treat their grown children as adults. By just the tone of the voice, parents can make their children feel that they are still in grade school. It is not an easy thing to break the bonds of control established over 18 to 20 years. After all they are your parents. How do you cope with parents who are intent on controlling your life now that you are reaching maturity? Here are some suggestions.

1) Try to find the good in their actions. If your parents are expressing concern for you, thank them for it. It may be that they do not intend to be pushy, but are just concerned. Gently remind them that you are well able to cross the street safely and to drive carefully.

Empathy is the practice of seeing the world through someone’s eyes. It helps us bring more grace and more love into our character. Empathy, more than any other human quality, helps us cultivate patience with another person. It helps us ease up and relax a bit more.

Seek for the good in your parents’ control before charging them with a criminal act. One man wrote that he fumbled through a lot of cards trying to find one just right for Mother’s Day. One card caught his attention. It pictured a mother driving a car with her outstretched arm protectively flung across her son’s chest as he innocently sits in the passenger seat. The caption said it all: "To Mom, the original seat belt." We all owe a lot to the protective instincts of both our moms and dads.

Maybe you have a healthy sense of discipline in your life due to the strict controls of your parents. If so, be grateful. Maybe they saved you from a lot of pain and trouble. Maybe they taught you to fear God.

2) Remember that your parents have lived much longer than you. If you have not considered it before, find out what they have lived through. Maybe they lived through the depression years of the late 1910s and early 1920s. Some fought in wars like World War II, Korean, Vietnam. If Jewish, they may be children of the Holocaust. These facts and others will help you to understand your parents. They may want to protect you from what they endured. You mom or dad may have been abused by a parent out of control. Have you ever asked what sort of teen life they had?

3) Have the courage to set healthy boundaries. Everyone has a right to their space in this world. Sometimes you may have to fight for that right to breathe. We all need our space. People need to back up a little and let others live. A good book advocating this is Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Some parents do not behave in a Christian way, even though they attend church services. This conflict causes many problems in the lives of their children. If parents are doing things that are wrong, the child must take a stand and get some help. Do not accept abuse---physical or emotional.

With most children, the forms of control are much less severe. But even those milder forms need corrected. Recently, a parent told me that she felt that she should withdraw fellowship from her son because he had not shown respect to her. In the conversation, I discovered that "the lack of respect" was his rebuffing her abusive control of his life. The Bible does not teach that parents should withdraw from their grown sons when they make a decision to leave their parents and marry a wife! The Bible teaches children to leave their parents and to cleave to their wife. Her threat of withdrawing fellowship was a form of emotional blackmail which, in this case, did not work.

Beware of rewards. Story: Once there was an old man who was bothered by the noise of boys playing in his neighborhood. He offered to pay each kid a dollar to shout louder. The boys were delighted. But on the second day the man said his dwindling resources meant he could pay the boys only eighty cents. And on each succeeding day, he paid them less. Finally, the boys got angry and stopped playing near his house. They said, "We’re not gonna make noise for nothing!"

Educational psychologists tell this story to illustrate an important principle: The best way to undermine kids’ intrinsic interest in an activity is to reward them for doing it. Yet material rewards for schoolwork and everything else abound in homes in which parents are desperate to rein in their kids. Too many parents believe that rewards will encourage good behavior. But it’s just not true. If your teenager already enjoys doing something that you appreciate, don’t fall for the trap of rewarding it. The activity is reward enough for your youngster. Rewards are effective to getting teens to do things that they are not already doing, or do not find interesting to do (like helping with the lawn or helping a younger sister with homework).

Beware of persistent demands. A mother was so afraid (there is that anxiety again) that her daughter would become pregnant out of marriage. She constantly warned her and telling her how much this would embarrass her if it happened. When the teen girl wanted to rebel against her mother, she knew exactly how to fight against her strong controls.

For some parents, it may be attending church services. Christian parents naturally want their teens to continue to worship and attend Bible classes. But constantly harping on it will only make matters worse. When they get ready to challenge your control over them, they will attack where the controls are the strongest. They are trying to wrestle the control of their lives from the parents.