I imagine that when the very word, marriage, is said that at least two very different reactions occur. Some think of a wonderful relationship with your husband or wife: security, peace, happiness, fulfillment. Others may flinch with pain: bitterness, regret, sleepless nights and weary days, broken relationships. Some may be somewhere between these two---neither great satisfaction nor regret. Life and marriage may be a struggle; sometimes good, sometimes difficult. Some may prefer not to talk about it, and do not particularly want to hear another sermon about it. If you are experiencing difficulties, please listen to just one more message. I promise not to be judgmental and preachy. I sincerely want to help.

If you are trying to hold onto your marriage while facing some issues, do not feel that you are alone. Most marriages have many such matters to face. In fact, many issues may never be resolved. I like this statement by James Dobson.

"A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns. It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of unresolvables." (Quote from The Control Freak, Les Parrott III, 93.) There are many unresolvable issues in any marriage. You cannot remake the person that you married. They will stay fairly close to the same person you met and married. The only person that you can really change is yourself, and that will be tough enough.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." (Ibid, 95, quote from Robert Quillen.)

"We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it." (Ibid, 111, quote from C. S. Lewis.)

Perhaps, we all suffer from false stereotypes. We have been made to believe that Christian couples should not and would not have severe conflicts. When conflicts arise, we suffer doubly due to this misinformation and from the conflict itself. Note this comment:

"Even for Christians anger and conflict are natural dimensions of intimacy and when managed creatively they do much more to enhance the quality of a marriage than does a phony ‘peace’ which denies reality." (Marriage In The Fast Lane, Perry C. Cotham, 97.)

Here are some important things to remember about marital conflict:

(Marriage in the Fast Lane, Perry C. Cotham. 98-101.)

1) Conflict is a natural part of intimacy. Any relationship which spells closeness also spells conflict. You face conflicts because you are so near to one another. If you were far away, you would have fewer conflicts. We have been made to think, falsely, that love would drive away any possible conflicts. The co-existence of love and conflict has been an enigma to human beings for centuries.

2) Conflict can be productive of good in your marriage. It is a way of maintaining personal boundaries. It is a way of acknowledging the values, needs, interests, and concerns of the other person. One partner might become too controlling (our theme for Sunday evening series). Conflict is a way of drawing boundaries to stop the controlling person from extending his/her boundaries too far into your life.

Most importantly, conflict can lead to change. People most often try to avoid conflict at all costs. Couples seek to cover up their differences rather than communicate about them. When we repress our feelings, desires and needs, more problems are created. We should address the differences maturely. A false prophet was one who cried, "Peace, peace, when there was no peace." (Jer. 6:14.) Some conflict in the church, in the home, on the job is good, if handled properly. Being afraid of "rocking the boat" causes many issues to remain unresolved for years.

3) Conflict, by definition, is a painful experience. The word literally means "to strike together." Conflict need not threaten intimate relationships. It is how the conflicts are resolved that determines whether relationships are threatened. Conflict, properly managed, can strengthen understanding, deepen intimacy, and help you to know who you really are. If conflict sometimes feels like a painful death to your relationship, its resolution can lead to a new life.

1) Situation conflicts. The most common conflicts arise out of everyday life and are totally unexpected. One person wants to do one thing; the other something else. The can be as simple as what to do with your free-time on Saturdays, whether to attend a social event, whether to discipline the children over something they did, teens driving the family car. Usually, situational conflicts are short-lived and when they are recalled they seem silly.

Quentin Crisp said, "The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple---you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities, but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster." (The Control Freak, 175.) Don’t make a small matter greater than it is. Remember that there are greater issues in life.

2) Personality conflicts. These are more serious and deeper-rooted than situational conflicts. This conflict centers more on who we are inside. It is relatively easy to overlook the habits, beliefs, and personality differences in people with whom you do not have to live daily. But it is impossible to dismiss them in the lives of those nearest to you. All of us have our own way of responding to life. We have been taught certain values and perspectives. No one has exactly your personality to process and express what you learn. Personality conflicts can become intense and can disrupt a marriage.

In these conflicts, we must practice Christian forbearance, patience and understanding. It helps to know something about why people behave the way they do (psychology). It is a fascinating study and will always be incomplete. Man is a strange mixture of good and evil. He is made in the image of God, but also has an evil propensity. Sin has affected our minds, as well as our relationship with God. We do not think properly because of sin. Sin can and does destroy many good relationships. We all need desperately to grow in the likeness of God. This is the only real solution to our conflicts in life.

3) Control conflicts. Many people mistakenly think that the home is the one place where they can do what they please. They do not have to listen to a manager, boss, teacher, co-worker. A "control freak" in the home is the most difficult to bring under control. They are under the scrutiny of family members only whom they often ignore.

The abuse of power is found often in the home. Parents exercise undue control over children or one spouse seeks to dominate the other. Sometimes it is the husband; in other families it is the wife. Trying to exercise undue control over your husband or wife can destroy your relationship with one another. It can destroy your marriage. A "supervising spouse" will force their mate to either submit or leave, if they do not cease.

It is easy to identify problems and what causes conflicts, but what is the solution to my marriage problems? The solution begins with an understanding of what is causing the disruption in the relationship. I want to assure you that there is a solution to every conflict in the church and home.

1) Love can help us resolve our conflicts

The basic solution to all our problems in the church and marriage is love. There is not a problem that love cannot resolve. I am talking about the kind of love that prompted Jesus to die for us. It is not the romantic, fleeting kind. This love keeps on loving even when the mate does not deserve it. God did not love us because we were so good and lovable. He loved us while we were sinners. Can you, will you, love your husband and wife even when he/she does not deserve it?

"For scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom. 5:7-8.)

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. . . ." (John 3:16.) "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it." (Eph. 5:25.)

2) You must want to save your marriage

No one can help you in your conflicts if you do not want help. Some do not want help; they simply want out! But you made a covenant that was lifelong; it was until death. Now, you are ready to break it. If so, you are violating your word at your marriage ceremony. Those words were: "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

I want to urge you to hold onto your marriage. Once you give it up, you lose something that will be hard to regain. Part of you will die in the death of that relationship. Your family relationships will forever be rent into. There are many good reasons for trying to resolve your conflicts; there are precious few good reasons for giving up.

That is it: the solution to marriage conflicts is love and you must want to save your marriage. If you chose not to love one another and if you decide that you do not want to hold onto your marriage, then there are no solutions. But if these two things are in your heart, nothing can destroy your marriage. Most solutions to our problems are simple, but carrying them out is difficult.