Often our messages deal with those who are marrying for the first time, and we often neglect those who may be marrying for a second time. There are many who, for various reasons, will contract more than one marriage in their lives. I believe that those second marriages, though similar to the first, carry with them some special circumstances. Many, who are planning for their first marriage, will attend special marriage counseling and seminars. Often those entering second marriages do not. Those special issues are often not addressed. I will try to do that in this message.

The Bible certainly addresses the circumstances of second marriages. Here are some references:

"Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law), how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress. But is her husband be dead, she is free from that law so that she is not adulteress, though she be married to another man. Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ, that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God." (Rom. 7:1-4.)

"The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth, but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will, only in the Lord." (1 Cor. 7:39.)

"Now there were with us seven brethren; and the first, when he had married a wife, deceased, and having no issue, left his wife unto his brother. Likewise, the second also, and the third, unto the seventh. And last of all the woman died also." (Matt. 22:25-26.) This was presented to Jesus by the Sadducees who denied the resurrection. They thought that someone who had more than one marriage would have a confusing situation in the resurrection.

". . . whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry." (Matt. 19:9-10.)

"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband, and let not the husband put away his wife." (1 Cor. 7:10-11.)

These verses cover three specific cases: 1) death, 2) divorce, and 3) separation. We should include annulments (a legal or judicial decision declaring a marriage invalid). I want to bypass the normal discussion of marriage-divorce-remarriage issues and address the special circumstances surrounding second marriages. Of course, no one should consider a second marriage that would be adulterous and against the Lord’s will. As Joshua Harris puts it, we need four green lights before we proceed with any marriage.

Four green lights. They are: 1) The green light of God’s Word. If the Lord permits it, then proceed. If He does not, then stop! 2) The green light of your own readiness and preparation for marriage. 3) The green light of the approval of parents, mentors, ministers, friends. If those who love you the most are warning you and saying, No, then you should reconsider. 4) The green light of peace from God. This comes only after you have considered all the above and you have peace that comes from having the approval of your own conscience, heart, and your Lord. (Dating, Joshua Harris, 212-13.)

Obviously, since our marriages are until death we do part, after the death of a mate you have the green light of God’s Word to remarry. That second marriage will not be adulterous or sinful. (Rom. 7:1-4.) You may marry whosoever you will, "only in the Lord." (1 Cor. 7:39.) This phrase, only in the Lord, has been the source of endless debate and discussion. What does it mean?

"In the Lord" in other references means a Christian or a believer. Paul wrote, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." (Eph. 6:1.) "For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord’s freeman; likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ’s servant." (1 Cor. 7:22.) "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." (Rom. 8:1.)

This is the same teaching for those marrying the first time. Paul again wrote to the Corinthians, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?" (2 Cor. 6:14-15.) A believer is unequally yoked with another person if one is a Christian and the other an infidel or agent of Satan. To share fellowship and love as it was intended, two people in marriage should be agreed. The prophet of old wrote, "How shall two walk together except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3.)

But even then, there are other issues to be resolved before you say, I do, again. Some of them are:

1) Allow sufficient time to mourn the lost of your mate. In order to be prepared for a second marriage, one needs to be able to put the first marriage in the past. This does not mean that you forget your previous mate. You will always be influenced by the life you had together. Your present life has been shaped by your prior marriage. You should not marry again until you are able to take on the duties of being a husband or wife to a new mate. It takes time to process the loss of someone so close to you as a husband or wife. It honors the deceased to mourn their loss and to grieve.

2) Allow your children time to accept the idea that you may marry again. They, whether young or old, may very well have the hardest time with the whole idea of you marrying again. No one will be able to take the place of their mother or father. There is something clumsy and odd about how the children refer to the new person. What will they be called? This is especially true if the children are still young and at home. The parent does have the right of remarriage, but the children are suffering as well. They need time to adjust. If you marry or even date too soon, there will be some resentment.

3) Marriage involves belongings and wealth (sometimes poverty). Many family relationships are broken after the death of a parent and remarriage over the inheritance.

Jesus was once confronted by two brothers quarreling over their inheritance. (Luke 12:13-15.) Jesus took the occasion to teach concerning covetousness. In effect, he refused and rebuked them for their behavior. Our kinship is far more important than possessions. Do not break off your fellowship with your family members over money.

One of the special problems that arise in a remarriage is the feeling that the children might have if the new mate inherits all the family’s wealth. It has happened more than once. I know of such cases where the children were left without anything because the parent died without a will and the new mate took possession of everything. This is a practical problem that should be thought through and handled by preparing a will.

There are some special circumstances surrounding a divorce that are not present in the death of a mate. With death, there is finality and closure; with divorce the issue goes on. Before you remarry, if you have been divorced, consider the following:

1) The verses above which apply concerning remarriage. Obtain the green light of God’s Word before proceeding. In everything we should seek the will of God.

2) Be sure you are ready for remarriage. The pain of divorce will never really end, but you should wait long enough so that you are emotionally prepared for remarriage.

a) Many marry too soon after divorce. You need time to grieve the loss of your mate through divorce. You may very well feel anger because divorce is painful. The Bible says that God hates putting away. (Malachi 2:16.) No wonder that God hates it because everyone involved hates it as well. It is so painful to everyone. Wait until you feel good about yourself again. You will not be able to enjoy your new marriage unless you are happy again.

b) Norman Wright suggests even writing a good-bye letter to your former mate and marriage. When you know that it is over and final, sit down and finalize it. Since divorce tends to go on and on, you need some way to say that it is in the past. You need not mail the letter, but write it and maybe read it out loud.

c) Do not remarry to punish your mate who left you. This is a poor reason to marry. Those who remarry may need more counseling than those who marry for the first time. Second marriages may require more work than first ones. You have more things to consider and bitterness from the past to process.

3) False expectations for second marriages. Just as there can be false expectations from a first marriage, they especially exist in a second marriage. Here are some of them:

a) It will be totally different from the first marriage. Often a person will marry someone very similar to the first mate. A woman who married an alcoholic the first time often will marry an alcoholic the second time. It is most difficult to change our habits and thought patterns. We often repeat our mistakes.

b) My new spouse will be perfect. That is a heavy expectation for anyone to fill. Imagine revealing this to your mate-to-be before marriage!

c) My new mate will make me more happy than the first. Maybe, but we should be careful about placing the burden on someone else for our happiness. We must seek for maturity and understanding. Happiness comes as a by-product of doing one’s duty and serving others. If you seek for it directly, you probably will never find it.

d) My new mate won’t handle money like the first one. Finances play a major role in all marriages, yet it is the one least discussed by the two preparing for marriage. It would be helpful if you find out ahead of time what your mate’s attitude is toward money and how to handle it. Many conflicts in marriage are over the handling of money. In a new marriage, you might think that these conflicts will be over. The truth is that the tensions might increase because you have more people to consider if both have children. You have the issue of the inheritance to settle that we discussed above.

e) My new mate will take away the old pain. Maybe, but that is too much a burden to place on someone else. Remember that they may have some pain of their own that they are bringing to the marriage. You need to consider what their expectations are. Has the person been married before, lost a mate, or never been married?? They will bring to the marriage many of the same human emotions and feelings that you have.

f) Norman Wright, video entitled "Before You Say I Do Again," gave these five bad reasons for remarriage: emotional rescue, relational rescue, financial rescue, sexual rescue, parental rescue. When I first heard them, I thought, Well if not for these reasons, why would you marry at all?? But the key word in all these is "rescue." You are placing a heavy burden on someone else if you are so dependent in all these areas. You need time to prepare for any marriage, but especially the special circumstances surrounding a second marriage.

Hold onto your marriage and family. This relationship is central to your happiness and well-being. It includes our relationship with God. Do not think that there is some utopian marriage awaiting you. Conflicts are normal in life in any relationship. You must deal with those conflicts with wisdom and maturity.