Due to several comments and questions on last Sunday’s messages on Dating and Marriage, I felt that it would be worthwhile to continue our topic. One man said that he thought that he had married into a "high risk" situation . . . because he was from Texas and his wife was a Yankee! Another said that his wife told him that she felt that they had a high risk marriage . . . because one of them was a man and the other a woman! That was not what I had in mind when I described high risk marriages. However, there are no guarantees in marriage. Life does have many uncertainties and a certain level of risk. Trust in one another and in God are necessary to our security in our relationships as husbands and wives.

One new item that must be added to Beth Bailey’s list of cultural changes is the internet. (From the Front Porch to the Backseat, Beth Bailey.) The invention and widespread use of the automobile changed our lives greatly and also affected dating practices around the world. One of the present day inventions which is affecting the way young people relate to one another is the internet. It may be replacing the telephone and television in large measure due to the inexpensive way of speaking to one another around the world. For those who are not familiar with its use, by using the world wide web one can communicate with a friend in another country just as easily as one can with a friend in Richmond.

The chat rooms are places where several or just two, in a private room, can carry on a conversation by typing notes back and forth to one another. It is instant action. You simply wait a few seconds while the note is being read and a response is typed. Sentence by sentence a conversation is engaged for as long as you like (usually until your parents unplug the connection). Young people and older ones can communicate with others on any level. You can be business-like, or friendly, or as intimate as the conversation is allowed to drift.

Some have actually made plans with one another to meet at some location. Some have driven and flown great distances to see the person with whom they have been corresponding. We could call this "internet dating" or "being caught in the world wide web." What could possibly be wrong with such?? Here are some things to consider:

1) It is the worst form of a blind date. Sometimes people will accept a date with another without having ever met them. There is a certain anticipation and excitement because you do not know the mystery date. It is properly called a blind date. If one were really blind, one would need to get to know another person by hearing them speak and spending time in their presence. But even a blind person should not go off alone with someone that they do not know! That is what internet dating is doing. You are "blind" because you cannot really get to know the other person by just words that they type.

2) It is a form of Russian roulette. There are two possible outcomes. The gun is firing on an empty cylinder or it is ready to fire on a live shell. You do not know which one. Yes, it is exciting to some, but extraordinarily dangerous. The person with whom you are corresponding has either one of two characters: one that is good or one that is evil. Which have you encountered? You do not know! What are your chances that you have found a wonderful person with a Christ-like character??? The odds are probably much like those of winning a lottery---several million to one! Consider what kind of evil characters are out there. Do you really want to meet this person after only reading words on your monitor?

3) It is a most dangerous expression of curiosity. I am convinced that many young people do not intend for things to get out of hand. It is just an expression of youthful curiosity. But if you plan to meet someone that you met on the internet, you literally hold your life in your hands. You could be turning your life over to someone else.

Young people think that adults exaggerate things all out of bounds. If it is true that parents err on the side of caution, it is likewise true that many young people err on the side of danger. What is the best way to plan Russian roulette? Do you know of a good way? Is it not to refuse to participate at all??

Boundaries on internet dating. Just as we must set boundaries in any form of dating, there is a special need for strict boundaries here. If we should set boundaries on speech, dress, the people that you choose to be around, the kind of activities you will attend, etc., those boundaries must be drawn even tighter on the internet.

In addition to all the negative things on the internet, there is a site that actually warns against the dangers in internet dating. In the introduction, "Boundaries on Internet Dating," the author wrote:

"The first group of people, who would use the Internet to meet people, are the lonely people. . . The same people, painfully shy, shut ins, geographically distant, could now simply plug in their computers and talk to others. Fascination can turn into addiction, for they can ‘act’ like the kinds of people they have always wanted to be. They can have tremendous nerve, great personality, even show off their long-hidden sense of humor for others.

"There are no shortages of cons, thieves and scam artists in the real world. Normally, they have to ‘hunt’ for their victims. Seeking elderly, lonely and otherwise isolated people, they prey on those who either don’t know better, or are so lonely, that the sudden attention and kindness paid them by someone else, somehow wipes out common sense and standard caution.

"On the other hand, the Internet Hunter has come home. With the ever growing number of personals and chat sites springing up, the Con Artist or scammer no longer need deal with the harsh reality of slim pickings in the real world. For spread before them in one room are no shortage of new victims. Con artists and scammers have no morals, no conscience. They are acutely aware that the attention they pay to a lonely, or isolated person can and will pay off richly for them. Endearing themselves as friends, lovers, mates, they can and often do rob their ‘marks’ of money, jewelry, credit cards, etc. And, just as in real life, when their welcome is worn out, they move on."

What follows are stories of people who have been victimized by con artists, scammers, stalkers and lovers. One letter began, "Our first phone call was truly amazing as he was the most charming man I had ever spoken to! He said the same about me and I think that was when I was hooked." Then after relating part of her story, she continued, "I later came to find out he was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and my counselor described him as being a borderline sociopath, which is right on the money."

One young girl who was being stalked wrote, "The internet is almost like a game of survival. You have to deal with things yourself, you get called into situations where you must act quickly. . . think things through and the such. Otherwise, you die. The internet has a very large impact on real life. It’s very scary. Well, I had just turned 14 when all of this happened (I’m now 15) . . . and I cannot even begin to put into words how I really felt. I actually had nightmares every night. There was nothing much I could do. . . my hands were tied."

The stories on stalking concluded with this statement from someone giving advise to victims on the internet: "Even if you don’t lose your life, simply losing your feeling of safety, your peace of mind is enough. If you’re a minor, tell your parents. Don’t worry about their reactions, they will help you. If you don’t tell them, you put your entire family, not just yourself, at risk."

The television can seem tame and gentle when compared to the dangers on the internet. You are dealing with real people sitting at a computer writing notes to you. Some of them have serious mental, psychological, and social problems. Some may be murderers, thieves, or lonely sexually-perverted individuals.

I love you. In the teens’ class on dating, we ended the class with the caution about so quickly telling someone that you love them. Those words, I love you, carry such powerful and penetrating overtones. Wait until you are mature and understand the full implications of those words before telling them to someone you are dating. I would add that you should never tell those words to someone you have only met on the internet! You cannot possibly know that person. You could not possibly love that person. You will be wise if you reserve those words for the right time and the right person.

Ann Landers was once told, "Why don’t you level with your readers about marriage?" The writer lamented the unrealistic ideas many girls have of marriage. (I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 184-5.) She replied,

"I have leveled with the girls---from Anchorage to Amarillo

I tell them that all marriages are happy

It’s the living together afterward that’s tough

I tell them that a good marriage is not a gift; it’s an achievement

That marriage is not for kids. It takes guts and maturity

It separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls

I tell them that marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise

Its survival can depend on being smart enough to know what’s worth fighting about; or making an issue of or even mentioning

Marriage is giving---and more important, it’s forgiving

And it is almost always the wife who must do these things

Then, as if that were not enough, she must be willing to forget what she forgave; often that is the hardest part

Oh, I have leveled all right

If they don’t get my message, Buster,

It’s because they don’t want to get it

Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals

Because nobody wants to read the small print in dreams!

A Woman’s Question

by Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the Hand above?

A woman’s heart and a woman’s life---

And a woman’s wonderful love

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing

As a child might ask for a toy?

Demanding what others have died to win

With the reckless dash of a boy

You have written my lesson of duty out

Manlike, you have questioned me

Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul

Until I shall question thee

You require your mutton shall always be hot

Your socks and your shirt be whole

I require your heart be true as God’s stars

And as pure as His heaven your soul

You require a cook for your mutton and beef

I require a far greater thing

A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts---

I look for a man and a king

A king for the beautiful realm called Home

And a man that his maker, God

Shall look upon as He did on the first

And say, It is very good

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade

From this soft young cheek one day

Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves

As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true

I may launch my all on its tide?

A loving woman finds heaven or hell

On the day she is made a bride

I require all things that are grand and true

All things that a man should be

If you give this all, I would stake my life

To be all you demand of me

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook

You can hire and little to pay

But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life

Are not to be won that way

(I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris, 186-7.)