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Issues In Dating & Marriage Hopewell Church of Christ March 5, 2000 Presented by Mural Worthey Introduction Recently our teens completed a study of Joshua Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Multnomah Books, 1997. Other materials by David Chadwell included Christian Perspectives on Dating and Marriage, Quality Publications, 1980 and a presentation at the Freed-Hardeman College Lectureship, "Courtship: Preparation For Marriage." I have also relied upon material from So You’re Getting Married, a video series by Norman Wright. Even though the title of Harris’ book seems to imply that he is totally adverse to dating, he states in the introduction two convictions: 1) I do not believe that dating is sinful, and 2) Rejecting typical dating does not mean that you’ll never spend time alone with a guy or girl. (Harris, 13.) What he rejects from our American culture of dating are these: 1) Starting dating at too young an age, 2) Repeating the heart-ache of dating, breaking up and dating again long before you are ready for marriage, and 3) Activities that are ungodly and leads one away from Christian behavior. The heart of the book on the negative side is a chapter entitled, Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating (chapter 2); on the positive side, he enumerates five attitude changes to help you to avoid defective dating (chapter 3). He continues with "Four Important Steps For Getting On Track With God’s Plan." (Chapter 8.) While you may not agree with everything he suggests, for a young writer Joshua Harris succeeds in challenging young people to think about their dating practices and to evaluate them in light of Scripture. Dating and Culture Everyone should be aware that the Bible does not command, recommend, or even suggest one method for selecting a mate. We have different methods used in Scripture. 1) God did not ask Adam what sort of wife he desired, whether a blond or brunette. God chose his wife for him by creating her from his side. 2) The patriarchs chose the brides for their sons. 3) The Law of Moses required that a brother marry a man’s wife upon his death to raise up children to honor his name. The western culture of dating is still changing. Beth Bailey documents these changes in a book whose title, From Front Porch to Backseat, says everything about the difference in society’s attitude when dating became the norm. Love and romance became things people could enjoy solely for their recreational value. The young people find their own mate with little input from parents. There are many dangers in this method, especially when parents’ advise is not sought and dating begins too early. No one should just accept the methods inherited from their country and culture. There are advantages and disadvantages in all the methods. The Bible does not give us one method of finding a mate, but there are spiritual principles that should guide us in all that we do. Justification for Messages on Dating Sometimes religious people object to a message about dating. They do not consider it worthwhile or worthy of a whole sermon! Chadwell gave two reasons why courtship should be considered a spiritual study. They are: 1) Christianity applies to the whole life of a person. Therefore, no part of our lives is excluded. 2) Courtship has to do with ethical-moral decisions and relationships. He also added that many of our greatest concerns in the church among our families have their roots in the dating practices of Christian teenagers. At the foundation of many of the problems with divorce, remarriage, unhappy and unstable marriages is the faulty dating practices of Americans. Chadwell wrote, "The primary factor which determines the person a Christian selects to marry is the dating practices of the Christian. Ignorant, uninformed, foolish dating practices engaged in by naive, gullible teenagers and young adults will continue to produce unstable homes and divorce." ("Courtship: Preparation For Marriage," 1.) What Is A Successful Courtship? Near the end of his book on Christian Perspectives, page 200, Chadwell gave a two part description of a successful courtship. 1) One which leads a couple to the responsible understanding that they should not marry because seeable problems pose too great a threat to marital success. 2) One that responsibly prepares a couple to establish a stable, happy, fulfilling marriage. Serious business! Everyone should be aware that dating, though viewed as a fun and delightful time, is serious and carries lifelong consequences. Dating should be engaged in with maturity and understanding. If it is viewed as fun and games or just as an opportunity to get away from Mom and Dad, then someone is going to get hurt. There is an inseparable bond between dating and marriage. Since we marry whom we date, then it should follow that are some people that we should not date unless we want to marry them. Chadwell (Freed-Hardeman lecture) presented three observations that are both simple and sobering: Observation #1: Christians can be taught every truth about the evils of divorce, understand every single fact about what is wrong with divorce, and that information not improve one single marriage. Why is that true? Because there is a profound difference between knowing that God does not want me to divorce my mate and knowing how to be a good mate. Just because I know that God does not want me to divorce my wife does not mean that I know how to be a good husband. There is nothing in the knowledge of the evils of divorce that teaches a person how to build a stable marriage. A Christian can be well informed about the evils of divorce and completely uniformed about how to build a successful marriage. For this reason, we need positive seminars and messages like those of Faulkner-Breecheen and Yasko to teach us how to have a successful marriage. Just negative information does not fill that void. Observation #2: A Christian can know and understand every principle necessary for building a good relationship in marriage, and still have no opportunity to practice those principles. What you can and cannot do with a marriage is determined by two basic factors. 1) Your knowledge and motivation, and 2) the person to whom you are married. It is possible to be married to a person who is completely non-communicative, totally indifferent, completely unresponsive, genuinely belligerent and hostile. No matter what you know about how to build a good marriage, if your are married to a person with any of those characteristics, you will have no opportunity to put into practice what you know. Problems can be so big and indifference so deep that your mate will not respond to you or cooperate with you. Observation #3: A good marriage begins with the wise selection of an appropriate mate. That fundamental fact is the foundation of every successful marriage. No marriage can be any better than the two people who form it. The potential of the two persons marrying each other determine the potential of the marriage. Understanding those three basic observations leads to a most unpleasant but very evident conclusion. When it comes to dating, for too many years we have allowed Christian young people to play Russian roulette with a half-loaded gun. The probability of a Christian accidentally establishing a stable, happy home is extremely small. It will be done only if those who are young are able to discern good character traits and are able to make mature, wise decisions. Remember, you have been successful, if after dating for a while, you decide not to marry someone who has major character flaws. Or, you decide to marry because you believe that you can establish a happy, stable, fulfilling marriage. Who You Should Not Date ! That sounds harsh at first, but when you think about the seriousness of marriage and raising children it makes sense. Since we marry the people that we date, we should be cautious about those we agree to date. The reason that you probably will not marry someone from California is because you live in Virginia. We marry those that we are around, the ones we know, or the ones we become acquainted with. Who are some people that you should not marry? One who is unscripturally divorced. If someone has had a previous marriage and you are considering dating them, you should proceed with great caution. Why? Because Jesus said, "Whoso marries her which is put away doth commit adultery." (Matthew 19:9.) Jesus taught, "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder." (19:6.) Many people erroneously believe that if one has obtained a legal divorce in the courts that they have the right of remarriage. It is not true! It could be your first marriage, but nevertheless adulterous because you are married to a married man or woman. My experience has been that once a close relationship has been established, it matter little what the Bible says. Love blinds their eyes so that they cannot make a good decision. A wise decision may mean to stop dating a person and reverse those marriage plans. You should not marry someone who is unscripturally divorced. Remember that there are some people who are divorced that have a biblical reason (fornication). They can remarry and you may marry them. One already married. You should not date someone who is already married! That sounds so self-evident and simple. Yet, some do not seem to understand that it is wrong. It is also illegal for Americans to contract more than one marriage at a time. You should be aware that some break that law and proceed anyway. If you do not know a person well enough to know their past, whether they have been married or not, then you should not agreed to date or marry them. A homosexual or bisexual. Sometimes you may not know whether a person has sexual perversions. I have a friend whose daughter married a man and bore a child before she discovered his sexual perversion. Then she divorced him. I believe that teens need the advise and wisdom of their parents especially in being able to detect such problems prior to marriage. These are serious issues. Persons with serious character flaws. We have already named one above, but there are others. You should not date those who are prone to violence. Could the one you marry murder someone, including you? Does that person believe in God? How do they relate to those in positions of authority? Are they happy, contented, living with maturity and responsibility? Do they treat others with respect? Do they hate people of other races? Listen to people that you are around, to what they say and how they act. These things reveal the condition of a person’s heart. You should not date a person with serious character flaws. You must be selective in the type of people that you date. You must have the ability and courage to say, No! Some young ladies when a man is proposing marriage should say, No, I will not marry you! For every one person, there are many wrong people to marry. No one person possesses enough personal flexibility or is so proficient in relationship skills that he/she can form a successful marriage with just anyone. That does not mean that there is only one "right" person to marry. It does mean that there is a type of person you can marry who will give the marriage its highest probability for happiness and success. There are some people that you should not even consider dating or marrying. In addition, there are many others who have a high probability of being high risk mates. Young people should be forewarned that such high risk persons are out there. They are not included in the above list of those who should be eliminated automatically. These are otherwise eligible persons for marriage, but who would make marriage for anyone troublesome and unhappy. Some persons are and always will be high risk mates. Who are they? 1) A person who comes from a home in which there are obvious deficiencies. It has an atmosphere of unhappiness, coldness, and unpleasantness. 2) A person who lived as a child in a severely distressed home which ended in divorce. They experienced the trauma and deep insecurity of that home actually being destroyed. 3) A person who comes from a severely troubled, very hostile home that refuses to divorce. Note: Not all people who come from divorced homes, or troubled homes, or "non-associating" homes are bad marriage risks. Many from such homes have established loving, stable, fulfilling marriages. They have broken the cycle of ignorance, bad relationships, and destructive concepts. They recognized the problems, faced them, and sought for help. They have learned to relate, to express love, and to communicate. 4) There is one person who represents the highest risk in marriage. That person is one who as a child or teenager was the victim of psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. Child abuse of any kind is the most cruel, unjust victimizing of a human being which can exist. They will need competent, professional psychological help to overcome the problems from such abuse. Poor Reason To Marry Norman Wright, So You’re Getting Married, gave several poor reasons to marry in his marriage counseling seminars. Here are some of them along with others. Pregnancy. Sometimes a problem is compounded by thinking that the best solution is marriage. Illegitimacy is a serious problem in our culture. Living together outside of marriage is fornication. An illegitimate child is one born outside of marriage. The problem of a pregnancy should not be compounded by a hasty decision to marry. Pity. You should not be drawn into a marriage out of pity for another person. You can help them in other ways beside marriage. Sometimes people use pity to manipulate others, to get them to do things for them. I performed a marriage once between a wonderful young lady and a young man who was a paraplegic. He was paralyzed in an automobile accident when he was a teenager. I did not know all her reasons for marrying him, but I had hoped that pity did not enter into the picture. Rebellion. Often young people want so much to get away from the oversight and authority of their parents that they will marry the first person who offers marriage just to get away. It is an act of rebellion.
MOONLIGHT RIDE Jenny was so happy about the house they had found For once in her life ‘twas on the right side of town She unpacked her things with such great ease As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze How wonderful it was to have her own room School would be starting, she’d have friends over soon There’d be sleepovers, and parties; she was so happy It’s just the way she wanted her life to be On the first day of school, everything went great She made new friends and even got a date She thought, I want to be popular and I’m going to be Because I just got a date with the star of the team To be known in this school you had to have clout And dating this guy would sure help her out There was only one problem stopping her fate Her parents had said she was too young to date Well, I just won’t tell them the entire truth They won’t know the difference; what’s there to lose? Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night Her parents frowned but said, All right Excited, she got ready for the big event But as she rushed around like she had no sense She began to feel guilty about all the lies But what’s a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride? Well the pizza was good, and the party was great But the moonlight ride would have to wait For Jeff was half drunk by this time But he kissed her and said that he was just fine Then the room filled with smoke and Jeff took a puff Jenny couldn’t believe that he was smoking that stuff Now Jess was ready to ride to the point But only after he’d smoked another joint They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive They finally made it to the point at last And Jeff started trying to make a pass A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all (and by a pass, I don’t mean playing football) Perhaps my parents were right. . . maybe I am too young Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb With all of her might, she pushed Jeff away Please take me home, I don’t want to stay Jeff cranked up the engine and floored the gas In a matter of minutes they were going too fast! As Jeff drove on in a fit of wild anger Jenny knew that her life was in danger She begged and pleaded for him to slow down But he just got faster as they neared the town Just let me get home! I’ll confess that I lied I really went out for a moonlight ride Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash Oh God, Please help us! We’re going to crash! She doesn’t remember the force of the impact Just that everything all of a sudden went black She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble And heard, Call for an ambulance! These kids are in trouble! Voices she heard . . . a few words at best But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck Then wondered to herself if Jeff was all right And if the people in the other car were alive They said, Jenny, we’ve done all we can do But it looks as if we’ll lose you too But the people in the other car!? Jenny cried We’re sorry, Jenny, they also died Jenny prayed, God, forgive me for what I’ve done I only wanted to have just one night of fun Tell those people’s family, I’ve made their lives dim And wish I could return their families to them Tell Mom and Dad I’m sorry that I lied And that it’s my fault so many have died Oh, nurse, won’t you please tell them for me? The nurse just stood there---she never agreed But took Jenny’s hand with tears in her eyes And a few moments later Jenny died A man asked the nurse, Why didn’t you do your best To bid that girl her one last request? She looked at the man with eyes oh so sad Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad This story is sad and unpleasant but true So young people, take heed, it could have been you.
Guilt. Sometimes young people will feel such guilt for the way that they have behaved that they feel the only way to make it right is marriage. God will forgive sins and remove guilt without marriage. Man feels guilty over many things. Our hearts often condemn us. Satan will try to make us feel uneasy over thing that we do. But guilt is a poor reason to marry. Physical attraction. Our culture promotes physical attractiveness as the central element in a relationship. Adults even talk about how attractive a young couple are together. Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.
Miss America (A musical in a play entitled, "I’m Getting My Act Together and Taking It On The Road." Read in a speech by Lucy Swindoll, Richmond, VA, 1999.) Miss America, Where are you today? Four kids and a husband and your trophy tucked away. Sitting in your dream house watching TV Thinking how things never are the way you thought they would be Miss America, long ago and far away Miss America, Where are you today? They told you that you had everything They said you were a queen And everybody envied you when you were just eighteen But now you are feeling desperate cause you can’t stay forever young They never told you what to do when you pass thirty-one Miss America, long ago and far away Miss America, Where are you today? Beauty was your currency and talent was your style And love was falling at your feet and power in your smile You married someone just like you He was a golden catch and everybody envied you, it was a perfect match But now you are sitting in your dream house watching the TV Thinking how things never are the way you thought they would be Your husband is out on business; his business is his life He pretends to be your husband, but, you, pretend to be his wife Miss America, How did it slip away? Miss America, Where are you today? Well, it’s not forever after; you finally lost your hope You are feeling like an actress in your own depressing soap You think you are going crazy, but you are scared of being free You would like to take that trophy and just smash the TV! Miss America, no wonder you feel so bad You bought the stuff they sold you Now maybe you’ve been had! You ruled the land that never was, a princess in a play But you got tired; it’s not too late, you still have today!
Money. We are still tempted by the power and prestige of money. But it is a poor reason to marry someone. We now have in our culture a television show entitled, "Marry A Millionaire," which originated in Great Britain. A woman was recently in the news because she married a man that she had never met. She competed with others on stage to win the prize---marriage to a millionaire. After about ten days of marriage, she discovered that she had made a serious mistake. A legal, binding marriage contract was signed at the end of the show. This is the kind of mockery that people in our present culture are making of marriage. Money is a poor reason to marry someone. Paul wrote that the love of money is the root of all evil. (1 Tim. 6:10.)
Four Myths About Marriage #1: Marriages are made in heaven. This myth is based on a form of predestination---that God predestined your marriage. It gives false hope and security that nothing will go wrong. It also becomes an excuse for leaving when problems arise. You will begin to doubt that your marriage was made in heaven. #2: I just need to find my role. Often we over-simplify things by defining the roles of the husband and wife as leader and submitter. It is true that each fulfills special roles in marriage. But much more is involved. Jesus loved the church and died for it. He does not just exercise authority over the church. He did not just find his role. He sacrificed himself for the church. We should follow his example in our marriages. #3: Marriage will make me happy. It is difficult to find the key to happiness. But the Bible surely teaches that it begins with self-denial. For this reason it is difficult to obtain. It is a mistake to demand of your mate to meet all your needs and make you happy. Truth is that happiness is your choice. Many, unfortunately, have chosen to be sad. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they choose to be." My happiness is my choice, not my partner’s obligation. #4: Children will keep our marriage together. Children do not solve marriage problems; they reveal and aggravate them. If your children are keeping your marriage together, what will happen when they leave? Parents should feel a keen sense of responsibility to maintain a stable home for their children while they are at home and after they leave. For the benefit of everyone in the home, the primary relationship is between the husband and wife. |