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| History was "orrible". Especially in school. Have you ever noticed how teachers never told you anything ? They asked you something and expected you to know ! They used funny new words and asked you to guess what they meant! How on earth could they expect that ? "They use the woad to dye their clothes" I,m supwised they didnt get wun over by boy wacers! And they used posh words to describe the really horrible bits of history. "The Celts decapitated their victims" Which is just a posh way of saying they cut of their heads! Where the celts really cut-throats? And why? And what did they do with those heads! What you need is a place that tells you the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. What you need is a horrible history of those cut-throat Celts! Well you lucky person, you just happen to have found one..... |
| Timeline 750 BC.The ancient Greeks meets traders from Hallstatt (Austria). The Greeks say they call themselves Keltoi - dodgy spelling, but better than the Celts who cant spell at all! 387 BC. Now the Celts meet the Romans and beat them in battle. The Romans - also dodgy spellers - call them Celtae. 279 BC. The Greeks drive the Celts out of Greece after the Battle of Delphi. The Greeks have the help of bad weather and landslides (which is cheating a bit). 225 BC. At the Battle of Telemon in Greece the Romans beat the Celts. 218 BC. The Carthaginians of North Africa attack the Romans in Italy and the Celts help them but...... 202 BC. The Romans beat the Carthaginians in Carthage and turn their attention to Celt lands in Spain and Northern Italy. Sweet Roman revenge. 60 BC. Roman Julius Caesar decides to make a name for himself by taking over Celtic Gaul (France).Some Celts welcome him-others dont...and are wiped out. 52 BC. Vercingetorix leads a Celtic rebellion against Caesar. Romans win and rule France. Then they start looking across the English Channel... AD 43 Emperor Claudius defeats the Celts in Britain. They`re driven back to the hills of Wales and Scotland despite....... AD 61 A very bloody rebellion led by Queen Boudicca ends in another win for the Romans. AD 84 Battle of Mons Graupius in Scotland and the last of the free Celts are now in Scotland and Ireland. The Romans rule, OK? AD 120 Emperor Hadrian builds a wall across the north of England to keep the pict and Scot Celts out...or to keep them in, depending on which side of the wall you were on! AD 312 Emperor Constantine becomes a Christian and the Roman Empire converts to Christianity. Even the Celts are converted and their old ways die. No more sacrifices. AD 410 The Romans leave Britain but Angles, Saxons and Jutes rush in to settle before the free Celts can get back. A bit like musical chairs! AD 432 St Patrick goes to Ireland and converts Irish Celts to Christianity. AD 493 The British Celts make one last effort to drive out the Saxons and win the Battle of Badon. Their leader is the awesome King Arthur....maybe. AD 520 Awesome Arthur loses his last battle when he fights his own nephew....maybe. But while the British Celts are squabbling the Angles and Saxons take over the south east of Britain and create Angle-land, or England. You may have heard of it. Could have been worse, could have been called Saxo land! then we would all have been stuffed! Getting to know the cut-throat Celts Nobody really knows where they came from. It was for too long ago. Some historians say their were Celts in Britain about 1180 BC-others say it was earlier. They came from central Europe and spread in all directions till they came up against the Romans. The Romans were a single nation- while the Celts were dozens of tribes who fought against each other as often as they joined together to fight the Romans. In the end some of the tribes were wiped out, some agreed to be ruled by the Romans and some were driven to the far corners of the known world-Ireland, Scotland,Wales, Cornwall, Brittany and the Isle of Man. These communities of Celts still survive today. The thing that made them Celts was that they shared their language, legends and customs. The Romans might have ruled them...but the were still pretty scared of them! Diodorus Siculus, 1st century BC The Celts are terrifying in appearance with deep sounding and very harsh voices. They use few words and speak in riddles. The often exaggerate with the aim of making themselves look good and others weak. They are boasters and threateners, yet they have quick minds and a natural ability for learning. The largest tribe the Romans came up against were the Gauls... Ammianus Marcellinus 4th century AD Almost all of the Gauls are tall, fair and red faced, terrible for the fierceness of their eyes, fond of quarrelling and of dreadful pride. The ancient Celts were violent and loved arguing, but is it fair to call them cut-throat? Maybe. Look at the evidence and decide for yourself. Fact/Fiction,The Celts had a habit of cutting off the heads of their enemies. Reason,The whole power of a person was in the head,even a dead enemy can harm you unless you cut off the head, plus they believed they gained all the wisdom and strength by taking the head. Fact/Fiction,The Celts would capture foreign women to marry and cut out their tongues. Reason, This was to stop the pure language of the men being spoiled by the unpure language of their foreign wives. Fact/Fiction, The Celts made human sacrifices. Reason,They made animal sacrifices until after 300 AD when they became Christianised The stories of human sacrifices were thought to have been made by the Romans to "Demonise" the Druidic religion of the Celts. Lousey Legends Poets were highly respected in the Celt world-like pop singers today. And like pop singers, they were well paid. The bad news is that it was a long hard job to train as a Celtic poet. A pop singer probably trains for 12 whole minutes, while a Celtic poet trained for 12 whole years. Poets learned grammer and very long poems-80 in the first six years. The learned another 95 in the next three years, and by the end of the twelve years training would be expected to know 350 story/poems...if they survived. Training a poet Lie down on the floor of a room with no windows, Place a heavy stone on your stomach, place a blanket over your head, This was to enable the poets to get in touch with the otherworld. Repeat the poem a hundred times like a parrot(although at this time parrots hadnt been invented) After 12 years of that they would be tested. The succsessful poet would travel with a metal model of a tree branch, It had bells on and would ring as he entered a feasting hall. The branch told you what sort of poet he was, a bronze for a qualified poet, a silver branch for an expert and a gold branch for someone who was top of the pops. The Celts also believed that if you upset a poet he could curse you to- Lose in battle. Break out in blisters. Speak only in baby talk. Batty beliefs The Celts had gods all over the place, gods in trees, gods in streams and gods in stones, and gods in every other natural thing in their world. The oak tree was especially holy and the mistletoe that grew on it was magical stuff. People today still believe this, which is why we kiss under it at christmas, Warning: Dont be tricked into kissing every snotty kid that fancies you, Tell them the truth..... Mistletoe is only magical when it is cut by a Druid using a gold sickle. Ten things you need to know about Druidic facts 1-Laws were made by the King, but it was the Druids who advised the King. It didnt pay to upset a Druid. 2-Druids were clever clogs because they spent 20 years to become one. This is worse than modern schools were you spend 11 to 15 years training to be an adult, then the next 50 wondering why! 3-The sacred mistletoe must never touch the ground. When the Druid with the gold sickle climed the tree another two stood below with a white cloth to catch it,This was also handy if the Druid up the tree lost his grip! 4-Druids were the wise men who advised the villagers on problems, a bit like your local vicar, except the vicars wants £5 whilst the Druids wanted blood. 5-The Roman writer Lucan said the Druids even sacrificed humans. He claimed that "the trees were sprinkled with human blood".Of coarse the Celts didnt do much writing, so the Roman stories have gone down in history, and the truth been forgotten. 6-The Celts of Gaul sent their Druids to Britain to train, which must mean the British Druids were the best. 7-When a Druid wanted some spirit help he slaughtered a bull and had it skinned, then lay down on a bed of rowan branches and wrapped the bull`s hide around him, bloody side in, As he slept he had dreams that answered his questions or solved his peoples problems, questions like "how do you get blood out of a druids best robe?" 8-Druids were also fortune tellers.Its easy, all you have to do is follow the Druid method of divining the future. Take the flesh of a dog, Chew it, Call upon the spirit of the dog to give you its secrets, A vision would then appear revealing the wisdom guarded by the animal, like "trees are good to wee on". 9-Animal sacrifices were still being made in 1868.In Cevennes in France a Celtic style festival was still held which involved throwing valubles and animals into a lake as an offering to the gods. 10-The Druids had some useful powers, they could..... Change their shape into anything they wanted, Control the weather, Bring down mist to make themselves invisible, Travel through time. |
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| A tongue in cheek history 2 |
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