Scene Five
A spot falls downstage right,
and we see a small section of the gladiator school at the Coliseum. CATALUNI,
now dressed in his tunic, is being blocked by TWO BURLY GLADIATORS.
CATALUNI
But I’ve got to see the head of the
school!
FIRST GLADIATOR
You an opium peddler?
CATALUNI
No, I am not an opium peddler.
SECOND GLADIATOR
You wanna be admitted, you gotta apply
first.
CATALUNI
I’m not peddling opium! I don’t want
to be a gladiator! I want to sell my invention!
FIRST GLADIATOR
What invention?
CATALUNI
(opening his satchel and pulling
out the sweat suit)
You see. I call it a sweat suit. You
wear it under your loin cloths. These seven vials collect your sweat as
you fight.
SECOND GLADIATOR
You mean like this?
(Both GLADIATORS raise their
outer garments and reveal the exact same suit Cataluni is trying to sell.
EACH pulls down a section to reveal the vials. CATALUNI is in a state of
shock.)
CATALUNI
But that can’t be! It’s my invention!
I thought of it first!
FIRST GLADIATOR
Sorry, friend. Someone beat you to
it..
CATALUNI
But when? How long have you been wearing
those things?
SECOND GLADIATOR
Got ‘em last week. We split fifty-fifty
with the sweat sellers.
FIRST GLADIATOR
Yeah, but I can name two of our fellow
gladiators who are diluting theirs with mineral water.
CATALUNI
It’s them! Those bastards stole my
invention! I’ll murder the both of them!
(Lights go off stage right,
come up stage left. We are at the front door of Asclipius’ house. CATALUNI
rushes across stage and bangs at the wood. The door is opened by TITHAKA
, one of the Nubians.)
CATALUNI
Where are they? Where are those evil
rotten pricks?
TITHAKA
You can mean no one else but my master
and my mistress.
CATALUNI
I thought it was only my body they
were after, but it was my sweat suit. They’ve stolen my invention! They
who have jewels coming out their assholes have stolen what would have made
my fortune!
TITHAKA
So what else is new?
CATALUNI
Let me in!
TITHAKA
Unfortunately, they are gone.
CATALUNI
They were here a little over an hour
ago!
TITHAKA
They move very fast…when they so choose.
CATALUNI
Did they tell you to say that? I’ll
break the fucking door down.
TITHAKA
Trust me. They are at this moment on
their way to Populonia.
CATALUNI
Where the fuck is that?
TITHAKA
Many milia passums to the north.
It’s one of their country estates. They have many.
CATALUNI
No wonder!
TITHAKA
They took all the others with them.
They left me here to water the plants and forward the gold.
CATALUNI
But what am I going to do? Someone
stole all my denarii! Then these monsters stole my invention. I have nothing.
I’m all alone in Rome.
(HE breaks down and begins
to cry. TITHAKA embraces him.)
TITHAKA
I don’t know if this will help you,
my friend. But I have been through much suffering since I was first captured
and brought here as a slave. In these times, I have gone to the Temple
of Vesta for comfort.
CATALUNI
The Temple of Vesta, the goddess of
the hearth?
TITHAKA
If nothing else, they got some really
hot virgins there.
BLACKOUT
