AMO, AMAS, AMAT Act 1 Scene 10

Scene Ten

Half an hour later. We are back in the Forum exactly as in Scene One. JOSEPHUS is in the same spot as when first we saw him with his small stand of scrolls. On the opposite side of the stage is the H.B. Warner-like Christian with his stand of scrolls. But now there's a third addition upstage; a long thin EGYPTIAN. He, too, has his stand of scrolls.
JOSEPHUS Find your salvation! Salvation is here!

CHRISTIAN

Your real salvation is here!

EGYPTIAN

Don't listen to these Christians! The only salvation is the goddess Isis.
(CATALUNI, breathless and hopeful, hurries on from stage left with his satchel. HE sees Josephus and stops.)
CATALUNI Good morning, my friend.

JOSEPHUS

Well, if it isn’t the heathen! Off to the Coliseum, eh? With that sick invention of yours.

CATALUNI

You don’t have to worry about that. Someone stole it.

JOSEPHUS

Then they’ll fry in hell along with you.

CATALUNI

I have a new invention. One that I’m sure will please even you.
(HE opens his satchel and extracts a long tube with one end curved.)
JOSEPHUS What in the name of the Lord is that?

CATALUNI

It is a breath machine.

JOSEPHUS

A what?!

CATALUNI

For people who are buried alive. You put this in the grave with them, so just in case they’re not really dead, air will get in the tomb and they can survive.

JOSEPHUS

That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard!

CATALUNI

How about the Vestal Virgins? What if one lovely young thing, the most gorgeous creature you have ever seen---what if she meets a man she can’t resist?

JOSEPHUS

She deserves to be buried alive---worshipping a false god.

CATALUNI

But I’ve heard others are buried alive by accident. What about Samalites and Mamalites and Bramalites? I bet some of them are accidentally buried alive.

JOSEPHUS

Is that what they teach you in that barbarian province from whence you come? Listen to me, numbskull! From the time you take your very first breath
Life is leading to only one thing---
Death.

CATALUNI

Death?

JOSEPHUS

What is living all about?
Why do we creep and crawl about?
Why, I ask you, why?
It’s because each and every soul
Has only one ultimate goal
And that’s to die!
And that’s to die!
You’ll find on that glorious day
When maggots begin to eat your flesh away,
And nothing grows but your nails and hair,
St. Peter will be waiting there!
What is living all about?
Why do we trip and fall about?
Why, I ask you, why?
It’s because each and every soul
Has only one ultimate goal
And that’s to die!
And that’s to die!

CATALUNI

I’m sorry, but I don’t accept that---
Life should not be grim and preachy;
Living should be amo, amas, amat
And vini, vidi, vici.

JOSEPHUS

Think what you will, you infidel---
Obviously, you’ll fry in hell---
Spiritually suffocatin’!
For Satan
Will be waitin’.

(CATALUNI collects his invention and his satchel and heads stage right. Suddenly the stage darkens and we see a streak of lightening and hear a clap of thunder. CATALUNI looks upwards and holds his hand out to test whether it has begun to rain. PEOPLE on stage begin to head for shelter. As this is happening, a SLAVE appears wearing a sandwich board. Both the back and front say the same thing: "This afternoon in the Argiletum at 2 p.m., You are cordially invited to a scroll-signing party for THE REAL CALIGULA, a brilliant, eye-opening new work by his daughter." CATALUNI is shocked. HE rereads it, is about to say something, then decides his current mission is more important. To the music of "The Salvation Song", HE rushes off.)

LIGHTS DIM