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If you've never seen a daytime talk show, you probably won't find this very funny. It would be best if you've seen Maury (the only one I enjoy at all), but pretty much ANY talk show will do just fine. This is a pretty clean story, but there are a few questionable moments (but don't worry, it's NOTHING explicit). But, you won't find anything here that you wouldn't see in a PG or maybe a PG-13 movie.
A single * indicates an action that is going on. For instance: *audience claps*
To help you visualize this better, here's what Maury looks like. Just in case you didn't know!
Make sure to click on any links you see!
*The audience claps.*
Maury: “Hello everybody and welcome to the show!”
*The producer’s voice crackles over the studio's speakers*
Producer: “Maury…Oh God, I’m almost afraid to ask…but, why-”
Maury: “Why am I wearing these sexy blue-gray swimming trunks? I’m glad you asked Hank!”
Producer: “Maury, we’ve known each other for over 11 years. My name is, and has always been, William.”
Maury: “Oh, ok then, William. As I was saying, I’m glad you asked about the trunks, Hank. I’m wearing them because today, all of our guests will be trying out an exciting new profession. To prepare for the show, I spent all of last week as a life-guard at the local beach!”
Producer: “A…life-guard? YOU!? Oh lord, no! NO!”
*The producer collapses into a fit of incoherent rambling. High pitched screams are heard at random, before the speakers are finally switched off by a nameless tech-guy.*
Maury: “Thank you. Geez…what’s the big deal? Only 6 people died! And I used an alias! No one even knew it was me! Well…no…I think one of the dead people recognized me just before they choked to death on that sea urchin, but he’s not going to be telling anybody! Am I right?”
Audience: “…”
Maury: “I said, am I RIGHT?”
*Maury spreads his arms wide.*
Audience: “……”
Maury: “OK! Well, lets get back to the topic at hand! Now, last week, we had all of our guests come to the studio and pick a slip of paper out of a hat. A silk top-hat, to be exact. A random job was written on each piece. Each guest had to do whichever profession they picked out of the hat. NOW, we won’t be watching anything live, but we had camera crews follow each of our participants every step of the way. Let’s take a look at who our guests are, and what jobs they chose.”
*A TV monitor flickers to life behind Maury. Its reads:
Sesshoumaru - Door-to-Door Salesman (Melt-em-away™ anti-demon products)
Kirara - Therapist
Myoga - Presidential Bodyguard
Kagome - Fashion Consultant*
Maury: “Unfortunately, fan-favorite Inuyasha decided not to participate. We sent several threatening letters to his home, and well as a poisoned basket of fruit, but we had no luck in convincing him.”
*A member of the audience stands up*
Audience Member: “No Inuyasha?! Then I’m leaving!”
*The lights go down. Threatening music begins playing. Maury sits back in his chair, fingers laced. A single bright light illuminates Maury’s face from below. *
Creepy-Voice-Maury: “Muahahah! Go ahead and try! I think you’ll find escape is quite impossible! THE GAME IS ON! HAHAHAHAHAAA!”
*The lights go up. The music stops, replaced by silence. One of the Emergency Exit doors is conspicuously ajar.*
Maury: “FOILED AGAIN…! Completely disregarding that, let’s bring out our first guest! Sesshoumaru, everybody!”
*The audience claps. Sesshoumaru walks out from backstage, and takes the seat next to Maury*
Maury: “We’re glad you’re here today, Sesshoumaru! You’re looking…a bit…uh, are you okay?”
*Sesshoumaru’s not looking his best. He’s pale. Several of his fingers are bandaged. He looks extremely tired. He keeps blinking and squinting. Overall, he looks a mess.*
Sesshoumaru: “Isn’t it a little chilly in here? Did you…did you brighten the lights since last time?”
Maury: “I’m not chilly, even though I’m only wearing these sexy blue-gray swimming trunks. And I believe the lights have been the same brightness since…always.”
Sesshoumaru: “Mm…okay…if you say so…”
Maury: “Oh, I do. Now, Sesshoumaru, the job you picked out of the hat was Door-to-Door salesman for Melt-em-away™ anti-demon products, correct?”
Sesshoumaru: “That’s right. You know Maury, they say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, I think the drawing had to be fixed somehow…”
*Maury starts to visibly fidget*
Maury: “Fixed? H-how do you mean?”
Sesshoumaru: “I mean…are you saying it was really just a coincidence, that I, a demon who hates humans, just happened to get a job that involved selling anti-demon products of all things, to humans?”
Maury: “You…don’t think it was a coincidence?”
Sesshoumaru: “Frankly, no Maury, I don’t think it was a coincidence. As soon as my fingers heal, and my hair stops falling out, and my breathing becomes less-painful, I’m going to come back here and kill you. Very, very slowly and painfully. It's awful! As if the injuries weren't bad enough, Jaken keeps asking if he can massage my shoulders and rub lotion into my skin and help me lather up my medicated shampoo! It's like a scene out of a nightmare... those disgusting little green hands, roaming all over my body! He's using my injuries as an excuse to grope me! And it's all because of you! You set me up for that job!”
Maury: “I did no such thing! Now Sesshoumaru, this show is only an hour long, so I’ll have to ask you to stop making unfounded accusations and blaming us for your relationship problems so we can get on with things!”
Sesshoumaru: “…Fine. I’m here anyway, and walking out on stage completely tired me out; I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.”
Maury: “Why are you so tired, anyway? Where did you get all of those injuries”
Sesshoumaru: “Do you mean to tell me you haven’t even reviewed the video of my experience?”
Maury: “Well, not personally, no. I think some guys did, though…”
Sesshoumaru: “Some guys?”
Maury: “Mmhm, some guys.”
Sesshoumaru: “…You’ll see when you watch it.”
Maury: “Then, let’s watch it!”
*A video screen behind Maury and Sesshoumaru, formerly displaying the Maury Show logo, fades into an image of a suburban street. All of the lawns are nicely kept. The grass is green, the sun is bright, and only the occasional brightly colored child’s toy in a yard or driveway spoils the perfection.*
*The view then shows a white van, displaying the Maury logo. Sesshoumaru, camera guys, and a few other crew members stand behind it, apparently preparing for show-time.*
Sesshoumaru: “I’m just not sure if this is going to work out. I mean, I’m not the friendliest of people…I’m not sure I can-”
Lead Crew Member: “Aw, hey, don’t worry about it, Sir. You don’t have to do a great job or anything. Just go up to the house, try your best, and come back. Simple as that.”
Sesshoumaru: “But-”
Camera Guy: “We’re all ready with the equipment!”
Lead Crew Member: “Okay then, let’s get started! Where’s the hat?”
*A pony-tailed woman wearing a pink shirt with Maury’s logo on the back comes running up. She’s carrying a brown hat. A 1950s salesman’s hat. She hands it to the Lead Crew Member and runs off.*
Lead Crew Member: “Ok, here ya go, Sir.”
*He hands the hat and a briefcase to Sesshoumaru, who takes them. He doesn’t put the hat on.*
Sesshoumaru: “What-”
*The Lead Crew Member grabs the hat from Sesshoumaru and roughly jams it onto Sesshoumaru’s head.*
Lead Crew Member: “’Kay then, that’s the house over there; the one with the blue shutters. Just walk up to it and ring the bell. The cameras’ll follow you. Good luck!”
*Lead Crew Member gives Sesshoumaru a cheerful thumbs-up.”
*Sesshoumaru, knowing the futility of trying to resist the Maury Show’s plans, straightens up, his face serious. He’s going to do his best! He’s going to show those weak humans that he can do anything they can do!*
*He walks up the door. It has a pretty flowery wreath on it. He takes a moment to straighten his hat, and rings the bell, setting his face into what he hopes is a pleasant expression. Unbeknownst to him, however, a pleasant expression on Sesshoumaru comes across as quite scary*
*Noises are heard from behind the door. Finally, it opens to reveal an average looking stay-at-home mom type.*
*She takes a second to look around, taking in the cameras, and the odd man standing in front of her.*
Woman: “Um, yes? Can I help you?”
Sesshoumaru: “No, ma’am, but I just may be able to help you!”
Woman: “…”
Sesshoumaru: “Er…that’s right! Ma’am, do you know that the world is actually full of...dis...disgus...ting...demons?”
Woman: “Oh…really?”
Sesshoumaru: “Yes ma’am! Now, what would you do if one of these aw…awful creatures…...uh…”
Woman: “Um…?”
Sesshoumaru: “Yes! Uh, sorry. As I was saying, what would you do if one of these awful creatures…well, if one of these creatures chose to set his bloodthirsty sights on you or your loved ones?”
Woman: “Well, I keep a gun in one of the living room end-table drawers. My husband doesn’t agree with it; says the kids could get to it, but I-”
*The woman rambles on in this fashion for a few more minutes.*
Woman: “…put a bullet right where it hurts, if ya know what I mean. That burglar would be sorry he chose to come to the Ambrose house, let me tell you!”
*The woman stops talking. Sesshoumaru, who tuned her out 30 seconds after she started, doesn’t respond immediately. He suddenly realizes he cant hear ‘blah blah blah’ anymore, and straightens up.*
Sesshoumaru: “Well, a gun in your drawer may be fine for a burglar, but it would do you little good against your average demon.”
Woman: “Yeah?”
Sesshoumaru: “Yes! Definitely! Demons are far, faaar superior to you weak, petty, insignificant little insects.You need something specifically designed for killing demons if you plan to protect your loved ones.”
Woman: “Really? Like what?”
Sesshoumaru: “I’m so glad you asked! I just happen to have with me all the information about the best anti-demon products on the market! The good people at Melt-em-away™ have been making fine anti-demon products since 1954. That’s over 50 years of experience! With Melt-em-away™, you can be sure you’re getting top-of-the-line protection!”
*Sesshoumaru silently congratulates himself. This isn’t so hard after all!*
Woman: “Well, I don’t really have the money to-”
Sesshoumaru: “I assure you ma’am, a demon attack could happen at any moment. Can you put a price on your family’s safety?”
Woman: “…I think I could, yeah.”
Sesshoumaru: “You could? Er, well…it’s certainly not my place to judge, but…well, you know, our products are very affordable! And they work so well, you’ll certainly get your money’s worth!”
Woman: “Uh-hu. And you just want me to take your word on that, huh?”
Sesshoumaru: “…What do you mean, ma’am?”
Woman: “I’m gonna have to see, like, a demonstration or something before I spend a dime on this stuff.”
Sesshoumaru: “A…demonstration?”
*Sesshoumaru looks to the Lead Crew Member for help. All he gets as a reply is a smile, a wink, and another cheerful thumbs-up.*
Sesshoumaru: “Er…alright. I…I guess I could do that.”
*‘How powerful could this anti-demon stuff be?’ Thinks Sesshoumaru. ‘I’m a super-powerful elite demon. This stuff is probably made for the weaklings…like Inuyasha…Hmm….I wonder if I could smuggle some of this home…’*
*Sesshoumaru opens his salesman’s briefcase and pulls out one of the sample products. It’s an anti-demon spray.*
Sesshoumaru: “You see ma’am, just a single spray of this and you'll send any demon running for the hills! Observe!”
*Sesshoumaru braces himself, and then sprays himself in the face*
Sesshoumaru: “AAAHHH! IT WORKS TOO WELL! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!!!"
Woman: "Wow, that’s some awesome stuff! It really does work! If the price is right, I'll take a case!"
Sesshoumaru: "Please...get me a...a towel...I must...wipe it...off...!"
Woman: "I said I'd take one! Jeez, drop the act already! You’re totally over-doing it!"
Sesshoumaru: "THE PAIN!!!"
Woman: "You're not fooling me with that fake blood! That's it! I'm NOT buying anything! You're too pushy!"
*The woman slams the door is Sesshoumaru’s face. By this time, Sesshoumaru has dropped to his knees, and appears to be attempting to claw out his eyes. One of the crew members runs up to him with a garden hose and begins to hose him down. The screen fades to black.*
*Back in the studio…*
Maury: “So…that’s why you look so sick?”
Sesshoumaru: “Yes. After that, Mr. Lead Crew Member insisted I try once more at another house. Long story short, determined to make at least one sale, I foolishly used another product on myself. The two combined took quite a toll on me.”
Maury: “Speaking of that crew member…I don’t think he ever reported back…we’ve been looking for him. Do you know what happened to him, Sesshoumaru?”
Sesshoumaru: “I have no idea. Incidentally, you may not want to open the trunk of your car for a while. Especially if a thick, red fluid begins dripping out of it.”
Maury: “Why not?”
Sesshoumaru: “Just don’t.”
Maury: “…ok. How can I say no to such a handsome face?”
Sesshoumaru: “……”
Audience: “……”
Maury: “Well, Sesshoumaru, before we move on to our next guest, do you have anything else to say?”
Sesshoumaru: “Yes, Maury, I do. YOU HUMANS ARE THE DISGUSTING ONES! I'm going to invent some anti-HUMAN spray! It'll be the most popular product EVER! I’ll sell it door-to-door to demons everywhere! I’ll make millions, and the world will be free of you filthy pests once and for all!"
Maury: “Well, good luck! I’m sure it’ll sell very well! SO! Why don’t we bring out our next guest? And could we get some help for Sesshoumaru? It’s time for him to leave the stage, but he doesn’t look quite up to walking off under his own power.”
*Three crew guys walk out and hoist a limp-looking Sesshoumaru up between them. They struggle off the stage.*
Maury: “Ok, our next guest is an often-overlooked member of the Inuyasha team, but she does have a few frighteningly devoted fans out there! Everybody welcome her! Kirara!”
*Kirara walks out onstage and trots over to Maury. Maury pats the chair next to him, and Kirara hops up and sits down.*
Maury: “Thanks for agreeing to take part in this, Kirara. It seems like the fans tend to overlook and under-appreciate you. Perhaps you’re doing this to get a bit of personal publicity?”
Kirara: “Mmew!”
Maury: “Clever move! But I’m sure this was a valuable life experience for you as well, right?
Kirara: “Mmew, mew nyuuu.”
Maury: “Yes, I see. Now, Kirara, you chose Therapist from the hat. What were your thoughts upon first hearing that?”
Kirara: “…Mewmeww, myuu mew myew. Mew, mew nyaa mew meww.”
*The audience starts muttering about not understanding what she’s saying…so…why can Maury?*
Maury: “I see…all valid concerns, of course. You could completely screw up some unsuspecting person’s life, after all. Mmm…I get excited just thinking about that…all tingly…mmm….”
*Maury gets a dreamy, unfocused look in his eyes.*
Maury: “You know, that’s why I got into the talk show business.”
Kirara: “Meww?
Maury: “Ha! To help people!? Nooo! No no no! To emotionally scar them! With this job, I have the opportunity to set people up for a huge fall, give them bad advice, and humiliate them on TV all at once! I’m practically drunk on my own power! NOW! Lets see how you did!”
*The screen behind Maury and Kirara fades to show a standard therapist’s office. The room is softly lit by a few table lamps. On the walls are pictures of calm, unthreatening scenery: a snowy path, a sunset, smiling children at the beach. A few small posters bearing motivational phrases pepper the wall. There are filing cabinets in one corner. A nice wooden chair sits behind a desk, facing a soft looking couch with assorted pillows on it.*
*Kirara is sitting in the wooden chair. A fairly nice looking woman fusses over her, brushing and fluffing her fur. With a final fluff, she gives Kirara a smile and walks out of the office. Meanwhile the camera men are busy getting the cameras in place.*
Camera Man: “Alright, we’re ready whenever you are, Miss Kirara.”
Kirara: “Mew.”
Crew Member: “Okay, the first patient can come in.”
*To give the patient privacy, all the crew members and camera men leave. All the stationary cameras are set to record what happens.*
*A man walks through the door, his face blurred to protect his identity. In his mid-30s, he’s wearing a dressy-ish dark blue T-shirt and khaki pants.*
*After a quick nervous glance around the room, and then at Kirara, he walks over to the couch and sits down. One of the crew members shuts the door from the outside.*
Kirara: “Mew?”
*The man lets out a bitter laugh.*
Man: “Yeah, maybe if someone would have asked me that when I was a kid, I would’a turned out better, y’know? I guess…yeah, I guess my dad just never gave me enough attention. We’d go out fishing once in a while, but-”
*Minutes pass like this. The man gets increasingly upset. Soon, he’s in tears and clutching a tissue.*
Man: “-left me all alone at the circus for hours! He just left me! I could’ve been molested by a clown, or trampled by an elephant or something! He claimed it was an accident but- *sob* Damn it! I swore I wasn’t gonna cry!”
Kirara: “Mew. Myuu…mew mew meww.”
*The man looks up from his tissue, looking a bit more composed.*
Man: “You…you think so?”
Kirara: “Myuu.”
*The man has a look of dawning comprehension.”
Man: “So…so what you’re saying is that my mom’s inability to stand up to my dad, and my dad’s fear of showing any weakness, which led him to be cold towards me, and my hamster Prickles dying in that tragic dishwasher accident, all combined to give me my crippling fear of ice cream?”
*Kirara nods*
Man: “I…I never thought about it like that before. Holy cow! You’re awesome Doc! I can’t…I mean-”
*The man starts to tear up again. He gets out of his chair and walks over to Kirara. He leans down and gives her a shuddering, teary hug. He straightens up, looking like a changed man.*
Man: “Thank you so much! Thanks to you, I think…I think everything’s gonna be ok from now on! I’m gonna march right into that Dairy Queen and show the world what I’m made of!”
Kirara: “Myuu.”
*Several more patients are shown. A man and woman with marital difficulties, a little girl who gets bullied at school, and a depressed elderly man all come and go. The each walk in looking fairly sad, and leave with big smiles on their faces.*
*The screen fades to black. The Maury Show logo appears on it. Now, back in the studio…*
Maury: “Wow…well, to say that you were successful seems to be an understatement! You did incredibly well! You know…I kind of have this…er, friend, yeah, a friend, and well, he has his own talk show. He has this fear of his audience suddenly rejecting him. So, he keeps introducing crazier and crazier show topics, hoping to keep them watching. It’s getting out of hand! Last week’s topic of “Help!! My Husband Keeps Setting my Mother on Fire and I Have Graphic Videotape of it! Let’s Watch!” was just too much! Would you be willing to talk to him about it…later?”
Kirara: “Myew.”
Maury: “Really?! That’s great! I’m so relieved! You really seem to have a insight into the human mind. Any chance you may leave your current career to focus on therapy full-time?”
Kirara: “Myeew, mew mew mya myuu mew myeww.”
Maury: “I see…the work you do now is also rewarding, right? But maybe in the future, when your ‘helping your friends protect the world from demons’ job is over, who knows, right?”
Kirara: “Myuu.”
Maury: “Ha! You got that right! You were a delight Kirara, thanks again for taking part in today’s show!”
Kirara: “Myew!!”
Maury: “You’re very welcome! Now, it’s time for a commercial! Stay with us! No, seriously, stay with us. I don’t take too kindly to channel-changers in the middle of my show.”
**Commercial** <--- click it!
Maury: “We’re back! That’s right, we’re actually back! It’s NOT another drug-induced hallucination! Now, our next guest is, for some crazy reason, one of the most popular characters on Inuyasha. We here at the Maury show think she’s generally very unlikable, but hey, anything for more viewers!”
Audience: “…”
Maury: “Don’t worry! She can’t hear us! She’s backstage in one of those soundproof rooms we keep people in when we don't want them to hear us bad-mouthing them behind their backs. I bet when they get home and watch the show, they’re really, really mad! Now, let’s welcome Kagome!”
*Kagome walks out, and, as Maury promised, she’s blissfully unaware of what he said about her.*
Maury: “Welcome to the show, Kagome! Well now, aren’t you a lovely young lady! And such a great personality!”
*Maury directs an obvious wink at the audience and begins to chuckle a bit.*
Kagome: “Oh, thanks! I think so too!”
Maury: “Er…you do?”
Kagome: “Yeah! Well, I mean, it’s not like I’m bragging or anything, but I’m awesome!”
Maury: “O…k. So…you picked fashion consultant out of the hat. That entails helping people decide which clothes to buy and what to wear. What did you think when you picked that job?”
Kagome: “I was really glad! I just knew I’d do great! I was worried that I’d get a job that I wouldn’t be very good at, you know? And…well, no offense, but I sort of thought the drawing was going to be fixed to intentionally give us jobs we’d be awful at so the show would be more interesting.”
Maury: “…ha…er…yeah, like we’d do that…ha ha…ha….”
Kagome: “Why do you look so nervous?”
*Maury clears his throat*
Maury: “I’m not nervous! So, er, Kagome, are you fashionable?”
Kagome: “I’m really fashionable, Maury!”
Maury: “So, what’s that you’re wearing today?”
*Kagome stands up, and starts turning in a slow circle to show off her outfit.*
Kagome: “I’m wearing a white top with a green sailor-type collar with a red ribbon on it. I finished the outfit off with a trendy short green skirt, white socks, and brown shoes. Wha’dya think?”
*Kagome poses*
Maury: “It…looks like a school uniform.”
Kagome: “Yeah, well, technically it is. But I’ve found it to be perfect for almost any occasion, whether it be sitting around at home, going shopping with friends, or just spending a quiet afternoon killing demons with mystical arrows. It’s great for the girl on the go!”
Maury: “…Wouldn’t you want something a little more…I don’t know…casual, for killing demons? Like, why don’t you at least pack sneakers or a pair of pants or something with you when you go to the feudal era?”
Kagome: “Why would I do that? These penny-loafers are the perfect footwear for running for my life in!”
*Kagome gestures to her shoes.*
Maury: “I’ll choose to ignore that. So, how do you think you did?”
Kagome: “Oh, I definitely did great!”
Maury: “If…you say so. Let’s just go to the video, hmm?”
*The video screen fades into a scene of a brightly colored, but tastefully decorated office. Large pictures of models wearing fashionable clothes are on the walls in frames. Sunlight streams through the big windows on one end of the office. Kagome site at a big desk. In front of her are magazines, catalogues, pens, and a coffee mug displaying the phrase “I *HEART* My Dog,” and assorted other desk-type items.*
*Make-up and hair people are busily getting her ready. Camera men are setting up equipment*
Make-up Lady: “There, well…I think we’re done. Right?”
*She turns to the other woman, who is currently putting the finishing touches on Kagome’s hair.*
Hair Lady: “Y-Yeah, I think so.”
*They stand back from Kagome and nervously look at each other. Despite over an hour of work, Kagome looks *no* different, except for her clothes. The Maury show provided her with clothes for this.*
Kagome: “Ooh! Let me see!”
*Kagome is handed a mirror*
Kagome: “Oh. I look…Kind of…”
Hair Lady: “Well, we tried our best, but-”
Kagome: “OMG! I LOOK AMAZING! How did you ladies do it!?”
*The hair and make-up ladies exchanged confused glances*
Make-up Lady: “Well…we’re pros after all. So…yeah…”
Kagome: “I see…well, I guess that’s what you can expect from a pro! Ooooh! I can’t wait to get started!”
Make-up Lady: “…right. Well, good luck, sweetie.”
*The hair and make-up ladies leave.*
Camera Man 1: “’Kay, we’re ready over here!”
Kagome: “Yes!!”
*Kagome gets up and walks to the door. She opens it.*
Kagome: “I’m ready for you now! Come on in!”
*A lady walks in clutching an expensive-looking handbag and wearing equally expensive-looking sunglasses. She looks to be in her late 20s or early 30s. Her hair and make-up are nicely done, and she’s not horribly dressed, but her clothes could be better.*
Kagome: “Welcome! Have a seat!*
*Kagome gestures to the chair sitting at the other side of the desk. The lady sits down. Kagome practically skips to her side of the desk and slams down into the chair.*
Kagome: “So, Ms…”
*Kagome glances down at a paper of her desk, looking for the woman’s name.*
Kagome: “…Roberts. How can I help you today? "
Ms. Roberts: “I’m going to be attending a party in a few weeks. Nothing overly formal, but I do need to look nice. I’ve been racking my brain for the perfect outfit, shopping, browsing magazines, and doing everything I could think of, but I just can’t come up with anything.”
Kagome: “I see. Well, I think I can help you! What are your main goals for this outfit?”
Ms. Roberts: “Well, I want people to notice me, but I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to be noticed, you know? The price isn’t important; I’m willing to spend as much as necessary. But I don’t want anything too flashy, or too plain…and I suppose I’d like it to be light and airy, since it’s summer and the party is outdoors.”
*Kagome’s face lights up*
Kagome: “Ooh, I have something just perfect for you!”
Ms. Roberts: “You do? My, you certainly work fast, don’t you?”
*Kagome opens a manila folder on her desk and takes out a picture. She turns it around and slides it across the desk to Ms. Roberts.*
*Ms. Roberts takes it.*
Kagome: “Yep! Here’s a photo of the outfit.”
Ms. Roberts: “…”
Kagome: “Well? Isn’t it great?! Oh! You’re speechless! I just knew you’d love it!”
*Ms. Roberts is speechless, but not in a good way. She’s not quite sure how to react…is this girl kidding? Maybe it’s a joke she uses on all of her customers, just to lighten the mood a bit…? But if she’s serious…then what? Ms. Roberts decides the safest reaction is…*
Ms. Roberts: “Well…that certainly is…interesting isn’t it? I’d be sure to be noticed in that…and it is light and airy. But…well, I’m just not sure if it suits me, you know? Let’s put it in the ‘maybe pile,’ hm?”
Kagome: “Oh…well, alright. Then, how about this one?”
*Kagome takes another picture out of the folder and hands it to Ms. Roberts.*
Ms. Roberts: “Ah…this one is…nice, too.”
*‘So, this isn’t a joke…’ thinks Ms. Roberts. Ms. Roberts begins to worry she may be sitting across from a crazy person. Or maybe she’s intoxicated? Hmm…That look in the girl’s eyes…and isn’t she a *bit* too chipper? ‘That’s silly! Get it together Joan! That’s a perfectly normal girl! She just happens to have a…unique fashion sense, and she’s very excited about her work. Right.’*
*Ms. Roberts smiles kindly at Kagome*
Ms. Roberts: “Hmm…well, lets keep this one in mind, ok? Let’s see what else you have… Maybe something a bit more…”
Kagome: “Ah, well, when I get stuck on what to wear, I always turn to my favorite fashion magazine! Do you want to look through it?”
Ms. Roberts: “Well…sure. I’d love to.”
*Kagome dives into her school bag, which was apparently hidden under her desk. She comes up holding a magazine with the words “Schoolgirl” printed across the top in bulky pink letters. She smiles and hands it over to Ms. Roberts.*
*Ms. Roberts takes it with a smile. She opens to a random page…*
Ms. Roberts: “…”
*Ms. Roberts forces her face to remain expressionless, but her mind is racing. Her hands begin to shake slightly as she desperately tries to think of a way to leave the office, without alerting the escaped mental patient sitting across from her that anything is wrong. To stall for thinking time, she pretends to read an article. She realizes Kagome is talking, but she doesn’t hear a word of what she is saying.*
Kagome: “…the skirt on page 15. All of my friends were soooo jealous!”
*Ms. Roberts suddenly closes the magazine and sets it down on the desk. She quickly pulls her hand back, as if she thinks the magazine might bite her if she lets her fingers linger. She's thought of a plan…maybe…*
Ms. Roberts: “Did…did you hear that!?”
Kagome: “Hm? Hear what?”
Ms. Roberts: “Well…it was…a…”
*Ms. Roberts’ eyes quickly scan the desk. She spots the “I *HEART* My Dog” mug.*
Ms. Roberts: “A…a dog! I heard a dog barking. Right outside!”
*She points to the window.*
Kagome: “Oh no! Inuyasha! I told him not to follow me!”
*Kagome stands up and walks over to the window, looking both mad and worried. She looks left…right…up…and she sees nothing. In fact, now that she thinks about it, she never heard a dog barking.*
*Kagome leans back from the window, still keeping her eyes on the outside. Her hands are on her hips and her expression is a bit confused*
Kagome: “That’s weird…”
*The sudden sound of a door slamming behind her causes her to whirl around. The office is empty, except for the cameramen.*
Kagome: “…Ms. Roberts?”
*Outside, a car can be heard starting, and then speeding out of the parking lot.*
*The screen fades to black…Now, back in the studio…*
Maury: “I thought you said you did great?”
Kagome: “I did! I’m sure she’ll take the ideas I gave her and find a great outfit for her party! I just got that feeling, you know?”
Maury: “…Did…did you hear that!?”
Kagome: “Hm? Hear what?”
Maury: “A dog! It was a dog barking backstage!”
Kagome: “Gasp! Oh no! Inuyasha!”
*Kagome gets up and runs backstage, leavening a very relieved Maury alone.*
Maury: “Somehow…I feel like I just escaped from a close call. She would have just kept talking and talking and talking...Er…well, so anyway, we have one more guest. Lets welcome Myoga!”
*The audience claps*
*No one comes out*
Maury: “…”
Audience: “…”
Maury: “Myoga? You can come out now. Myoga?”
*nothing*
Maury: “Ok…well…maybe he couldn’t be here today?"
*Maury looks at his stage manager, who is off-camera. The stage manager looks confused, and just shrugs. He gestures for Maury to continue.*
Maury: “Well, we’re not sure where our guest is at the moment, but we do have the video to show you. Remember, Myoga chose “presidential bodyguard” out of the hat. Let’s watch.”
*The screen fades into a…news broadcast. It appears to be CNN. A headline on the bottom of the screen reads “A Nation in Shock,” but despite this, the mood of the anchor (CNN’s Anderson Cooper), as well as his guests, is upbeat.*
Anderson Cooper: “If you’re just joining us, let me update you on the situation. Earlier today, while President Bush was making a speech about…some sort of plan he has for…um…well, we’re not sure. It seems 4 minutes into the speech, he started going on about 9/11, and the original topic was conveniently forgotten. Anyway, approximately 2 hours into his speech, right between Smart-ass Jerk Grin #69 and Arrogant “I know it all” Grin #35, a single shot was fired from near the back of the crowd of reporters. So, the question is, how did a gunman get into the White House garden? Well, early reports indicate that security may have been too sparse, the absence of the President’s bodyguard perhaps the most notable. Lets go to our White House Correspondent, Dana Bash, for more. Dana?”
Dana Bash: “Thanks Anderson. Well, this is an interesting story, isn’t it, Anderson?”
Anderson Cooper: “It really is, Dana.”
Dana Bash: “The White House is often noted for its very high security level. Today though, much of that usual security was conspicuously absent. Even the Presidential Bodyguard was a no-show for today’s speech.”
Anderson Cooper: “Any word yet on why the President didn’t simply decide to reschedule or cancel his speech?”
Dana Bash: “A close advisor to the President, who does not want to be named, told me earlier that when he advised the President to do just that, the President replied with, and I quote, “Why? It’s not like I’m in danger! Everyone loves me! Besides, if anything does happen, I’ll be able to jump out of the way in time.”
Anderson Cooper: “Jump out of the way…of a bullet?”
Dana Bash: “Yes, Anderson. Apparently, the President though he could.”
Anderson Cooper: “That does sound like something he’d think. So, how is his condition now?”
Dana Bash: “Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately depending on your political persuasion, Mr. Bush only received a severe head wound.”
Anderson Cooper: “I see. Well, that’s “lucky” isn’t it? How will this affect his ability to blunder blindly into trouble he can’t get himself out if? Or, as he likes to call it, “lead the nation.”
Dana Bash: “It is not expected to lower his mental capacity, Anderson. Mr. Bush is currently enjoying chocolate milk and playing with blocks in his Washington D.C. hospital room. According to the First Lady, that is a favorite pastime of his. She asks that everyone’s thoughts and prayers be with him, though, to aid in his recovery, and to make sure he has a safe hospital stay. It would seem his hospital room is rife with dangers.”
Anderson Cooper: “Dangers?”
Dana Bash: “Yes. Apparently, Mr. Bush had a close-call with an electrical outlet earlier. Doctors tell us they caught him out of bed, trying to stick a metal fork into it.”
Anderson Cooper: “…Thanks Dana. Keep us posted. CNN will be following this story all day, unless some news having to do with cute animals come up. If it does, we’ll switch to that. Stay with us.”
*The screen fades to black. Now, back in the studio…*
Maury: “What the…Myoga wasn’t even in the video!”
Myoga: “Yes I was!”
Maury: “Huh?”
*Maury looks around*
Maury: “Oh no…the voices…THEY’RE BACK!”
*Maury slides off his chair and sits on the floor. Within seconds, he's pulled his knees close to his body. His eyes are wide, and he's slowly rocking back and forth.*
Maury: "Nooo...not real...not real...I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU MY LUCKY CHARMS, DAMN IT!"
Myoga: “No! It’s me! I’m down here! On the chair!”
*Maury looks at the chair next to him. Myoga is sitting in it.*
Maury: “…Where did you come from? Who…who are you? Oh…God…I’m seeing things again, aren’t I? That’s right…there’s no way there could be a tiny man sitting next to me. But I swear, I’ve cut way back on the drugs!”
Myoga: “I’m Myoga. And I’m not a tiny man, I’m a flea.”
Maury: “Myoga? Oh…our guest. But…are you sure? Oh well. Why weren’t you in the video?”
*Maury gets back to his chair*
Myoga: “I was! I never left the President’s side! I was sitting right on his…well, his neck the whole time.”
Maury: “His neck?”
Myoga: “Well, I figured that the chance to drink a President’s blood is an opportunity no flea should pass up! So…I…but, he didn’t even notice! I swear!”
Maury: “But…”
Myoga: “I was there! I was just…I guess…too small to see, so everyone thought I didn’t show up for work. I kept calling out, but no one heard me! But, I was determined to carry out my responsibility, so I jumped on his neck, and-”
Maury: “Oh. Well, that explains it, then. I guess it wasn’t such a good idea to let a flea be the Presidential bodyguard, was it?”
Myoga: “I guess not. But it was worth it! That blood was easily some of the best I’ve had! Even better than Inuyasha's!”
Maury: “But the President was badly hurt-”
Myoga: “It was worth it, I tell you! Now I’m off to his hospital room to…er…“check on him.” That’s right…”
*Myoga hops backstage*
Maury: “Well…that certainly was an…odd episode. It seemed longer than usual too…like, pages and pages longer. The author got carried away! She just kept writing and writing, and before she knew it, it was 15 pages long! Thanks for sticking with us this long, folks! I’d also like to thank all of our guests for letting us mess with their lives. Where do we keep finding people crazy enough to come on this show, anyway? Oh well, never mind that. Please join us next time when our topic will be, “Help Maury! My Former Fashion Consultant Won’t Stop Stalking Me! I Found a School Uniform Stuffed in my Glove Compartment with a Threatening Note Attached!” Whew…that’s a long topic! I hope I don’t have to say it again…Ok, well, see you tomorrow everybody!”
*Maury waves.*
*The audience claps, and Maury’s ending music starts to play.*
