Pirate Humor

A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "I was talking to the parrot!"

One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted
island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. Soon
he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman.
In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively
walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!"

The pirate broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling,
"Don't tell me ya got rum in that barrel!"

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting
their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch,
the seaman asks "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant
wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks
appeared and one of 'em foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "Thats awful unlucky.. What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin'
and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "You don't say.. And how did ye come by the
eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"Ya lost yer eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate; "ya see it was me first day with the hook..."

A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and each
ordered a mug of rum. Each found a fly in their drink.

The landlubber looked in his mug and said, "Hey bartender I have a fly in my rum.
Give me another drink."

The sailor looked in his mug, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and
continued drinking.

The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings,
shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and
the crew became frantic. The captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my
red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and,
after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs,
and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid".
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The men became silent and looked to their Captain
for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!"

While over celebrating his rich conquest, the pirate captain staggered
to the top of the upper deck of his ship and then suddenly fell down the
stairs to the main deck. The First Mate saw him fall and rushed to his aid.
"Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"

"No," said the captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one!"

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