Cap'n Yoaz

Today, terrorists struck at the heart of the United Kingdom.

We baby-eating right-wing American nutjobs stand with the city of London and the nation of Great Britain as they bury and mourn their dead and minister unto their wounded.

We have fought and will continue to fight alongside you against the barbarians who wish to destroy us and our ways of life.

Be strong, and remember your country's past steadfastness in the face of terror, both foreign and domestic. Listen to the voices that echo Winston Churchill, and ignore those who spout the naive foolishness of Neville Chamberlain.

Because those who want peace at any price can have it tomorrow. They can head straight to the nearest mosque and prostrate themselves before those who worship Allah and Mohammed. Then peace will be theirs.

The peace of slavery.

Let us never pay that kind of price.

Or as Tim Worstall so succinctly put it:

Fuck you, sunshine.

We'll not be having that.


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That's right, I watch Trash TV. Survivor and Big Brother are my guilty reality-show pleasures.

The CBS Big Brother website currently only has headshots and favorites lists of the contestants, so I decided to document my initial assessments of them for comparison against the actual show premiering tomorrow.

APRIL
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
30
Newlywed
Dallas, TX

Blond blue-eyed former high-school-cheerleader-looking type. Little air-headed maybe. Might have a tough time with the younger babes.



ASHLEA
Fashion Design Student
22
Single
Plantation, FL

Brunette with sun-streaks, long chin, looks like fake blue eyes. Probably a Slut Puppy.



BEAU
Personal Shopper
25
Single
Pembroke Pines, FL

Young bald black guy, very prit-tay. And very gay. Likes "chick flicks" and he SHOPS FOR A LIVING! HelllOOOOooo! I think someone cloned Marcellus.



ERIC
Firefighter
36
Married Dad
Boston, MA

Shaved bald white guy with crinkles around the eyes. Wears gold chain in his photo and lists Mafia movies as his favorites, so he's probably Italian or he wants to be Italian. I smell a mid-life crisis in his near future.



HOWIE
Meteorology Student
34
Single
Chicago, IL

Brown short hair, brown-eyed, good tan, jug ears, thick neck. Probably Mr. Dumb Jock. Can't be really bright if he's still a student at 34 and is studying to be a weatherman. And he calls himself "Howie". Come. The hell. On.



IVETTE
Waitress
25
Single
Miami Beach, FL

Long black straight hair, dark brown eyes, long face, tan complexion. She likes the shows "The 'L' Word" and "Will & Grace", likes some obscure bands, likes to play softball and volleyball, and likes a drink called "Orangina". You know what all that means? Rug-muncher. A cute one, mind you, but yeah, muff-diver all the way.



JAMES
Loss Prevention Manager
29
Single
Atlanta, GA

Short brown hair (looks to be receding), brown eyes, white as a fish belly, thin face. I don't really know what a "Loss Prevention Manager" is, but I'm willing to bet it's resume'-speak for "rent-a-cop". He looks like he could be your standard Barney Fife. Token Republican redneck.



JANELLE
VIP Cocktail Waitress
25
Single
Miami Beach, FL

Long blond hair, blue eyes, injected lips (looks like it anyway). I'm wondering if "VIP Cocktail Waitress" means "stripper" or "Hooters waitress" because she definitely looks well suited for it. Standard-issue bimbo. She'll wiggle and shake what she's got for the boys - except Beau, of course. Could be fun times between her, Ivette, and Ashlea. Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeaaaaaah. Oh.... oh... oh yeaaaaaaaaaah.



JENNIFER
Arena Football League Dancer
27
Single
Plano, TX

Brown hair, big brown eyes, long nose, looks vaguely Hispanic. A glorified cheerleader. Five dollars says she's going to backstab every single other female at some point.



KAYSAR
Graphic Designer
24
Single
Irvine, CA

Dark hair, bushy dark eyebrows, dark brown eyes, hunky Arab-looking guy. Answered almost all of the favorites questions with "No Favorite"; very weird. They'd better check him for explosives before he goes into the house. I sure as heck wouldn't want him in an airplane that flies around important buildings.



MAGGIE
Emergency Room Nurse
26
Single
Las Vegas, NV

Long blond hair (bottle blond), brown eyes, girl-next-door look. Mama always said to look out for them quiet ones, yessir. Might align herself with Barney Fife James and Mr. Impending Mid-life Crisis Eric.



MICHAEL
Artist
28
Single
Orange County, CA

Shortish brown spiked-up hair, light blue eyes, light ruddy complexion, some sideburn thing going on. Beau or one of the girls might find him cute. Since he likes soccer and the actor Ian McKellen, he might be gay. Oh yeah, and he's an artist from California. Yeah, probably gay. Or maybe he's faking sensitivity to get chicks. Maybe. Or maybe he's a butt pirate. Who knows.



RACHEL
Horse Breeder
33
Single
Parker, CO

Long straight brown hair, great smile, great blue eyes. Bio says she's a horse breeder, but with that nose, I wonder if she's breeding with the horses. Probably wants a showbiz career, but won't get one until she gets a nosejob. I see many catty exchanges between her and the younger chicks. Although who knows, maybe she'll get busy with Ivette. Have I mentioned she's got an ugly nose yet?



SARAH
Retail Manager
22
Single
Chicago, IL

Dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, fair complexion, thin. Mousy-looking. Another girl-next-door contrast against the Party Girl crowd. Will she cry and complain or will she join the Slut Crew? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT, AMERICA!

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IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America


When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

As they say on many other websites, read the whole thing.

You may want to print out a copy and put it in a safe place. We may need all of the copies we can get when the moronic tyrants in black robes and suits (and pantsuits) get through shredding the original.

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Remember my slam on other bloggers about "Pretty White Girl Missing" syndrome?

Now it's my turn to be slammed.

Somebody already did the "let the liberals house the Gitmo prisoners" schtick back in May 2002.

For the link-clicking challenged:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially...Your Buddy,

Don Rumsfeld

Three years, Yoaz, catch the hell up already.


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Now that a whole bunch of important people are calling for the Bush administration to close down the Guantanamo (Gitmo) prison camp, where hundreds of enemy combatants from Afghanistan and Iraq are being held, I've decided that they're right.

But if we close down Gitmo, what are we going to do with all those detainees? I've got three ideas.

1. Treat them in accordance with the Geneva Convention.

Since so many critics of Guantanamo are complaining about how we are not treating the detainees as the Geneva Convention dictates we should treat prisoners of war, I say we rectify that problem.

We should quickly hold military tribunals for all of them, and when they are found guilty of not wearing uniforms and using innocent civilians as human shields while attacking our troops, we then take them out behind the courtroom and give them some high-velocity lead poisoning.


2. Return them to their respective countries.

Give the detainees free military air transportation back to their nations of origin. Since we're infidels who are unworthy to set foot on holy Muslim ground, though, we won't be able to land. We can shove each of their asses out of the plane with a Koran instead of a parachute, since they value it so much.

We'll see how great Allah is at stopping 170 pounds of meat before it slams into the ground at 200 miles per hour. Pieces be upon him.


3. Relocate them to more humane living quarters.

Every person who has complained about the prisoners' treatment at Gitmo can house one detainee. After all, these poor detainees are just regular Joes like you and me. They were forced to become terrorists because of their poverty and horrible, racist mistreatment at the hands of the American military, right?

You Congressmen, Amnesty International staffers, and bleeding heart hippie morons have no problems with that, right? No problems until Ahmed Abdul Mohammed guts you and your family like goats while screaming about how great his god is, anyway.

It's difficult to hold hands and sing Kumbaya when your blood is gushing out of your arteries and you're wearing your entrails as a necklace.


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