The Thurber Hypothesis

 

Or

 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Imladris

 

 

 

By Capella

 

 

Seven

 

 

“So then he says to me, ‘Come over here, little girl, and let me take a look at that pretty neck of yours,’ and I say, ‘Yeah, like I’m going to fall for that old line?  Don’t you  vamps ever come up with anything new?  And what are you, a hundred years old and you still haven’t learned to pick out a shirt that matches your pants?’ so then he gets really mad, and he’s like, ‘Aaarrghh,’ and I go, wap, wap, wap, but I haven’t brought a stake so I have to smash the glass over the fire axe so I can dust him, and then the alarm goes off, and ugh, sprinklers, wet hair, not good.” 

 

“Just a regular afternoon at the mall, then.”  Xander grinned at his friend. 

 

“Guess so.  Don’tcha just love this town?  Gum?”  Buffy held the pack out towards him. 

 

“Thanks.”  They walked in easy silence for a while.

 

“Did you get the books Giles wanted?”  Xander asked.

 

“Yes, but what he needs them for is beyond me.  I’m beginning to feel seriously sorry for Legolas.”

 

“Don’t be,” he said firmly.  “From what I can see the elf’s fully committed to the programme.”

 

“I suppose so.  All the way up there on the intellectual level with Will and Giles.” 

 

“Right.  D’you know, when I came by last night Will was teaching him chemistry.  And he was enjoying it, I swear.”

 

“Yeah, well you missed the Greek mythology session,” said Buffy darkly.

 

“No kidding?  I could have got into that, all wild sex and fancy weapons.”

 

“Oh no, this was the fun-free version.  ‘Layers of meaning in Bronze Age society.’  Hanging out in cemeteries with the undead’s never looked so appealing.” 

 

Xander chuckled and opened his mouth for the quippy response that never came. 

 

“Down!”  the Slayer hissed suddenly, shoving him hard into the nearest gateway.  She dropped her tote bag and whirled about, fists up.  Xander peered around anxiously, trying to spot the threat.  Ah, there – it didn’t look good.  Tall, bulky, black clad –

 

“Riley?”

 

“Buffy!”  He didn’t seem as pleased as a guy should when he bumps into his main squeeze for the first time in a week.  “Xander, hey,” he added as an afterthought.

 

“What are you doing here?  You’re supposed to be out of town!”  Come to think of it, Buffy didn’t sound exactly overjoyed, either.  Not surprising, really.  It could hardly be coincidence that Riley had shown up right outside Giles’s house.

 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you I was back.  I’ve been out of sight on covert ops.”

 

“Yeah.  Covertly opping right around here.”

 

“Buffy, you can’t go in there.” 

 

Well, it was obvious they hadn’t been together very long.  Otherwise Riley would have known that wasn’t a great way to talk to the Slayer.  Xander cringed and thought about ducking for cover as Buffy drew herself up to her full height.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said with icy sweetness.  “For a moment there I thought you said I couldn’t go into my friend’s house.”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“And so am I.  Would you mind getting out of my way?”

 

“Buffy, will you just listen for a minute?”  When Riley grabbed the Slayer’s wrist, Xander realised for the first time just how small and fragile his friend seemed next to her boyfriend.  Still, if it came to an all out fight, he wouldn’t rate the army boy’s chances, not one bit.

 

“Make it quick, and make it good,” Buffy said.

 

“I’ve got reason to believe that your friend is harbouring an HST in there,” Riley said, a bit dramatically.

 

“Oh, please.  This is Giles we’re talking about.” 

 

Xander added his best sarcastic laugh.  “Mr. Straightlaced?  You are joking, right?”

 

“Mr. Straightlaced?” Riley echoed.  “With his long and interesting record of dealings in the occult?”

 

Suddenly this wasn’t funny any more.  Xander shifted nervously on his feet, toying with the idea of running for it, getting in round the back of the house and warning Legolas.  Not an option, he realised.  There was probably a unit already in place round the corner.

 

“So what makes you think he’s got something in there?”  Buffy was asking.

 

“We lost one a few nights ago, heading in this direction.  Since then something weird’s been going on with our sensors in this area and we’ve narrowed it down to these few blocks.  I looked at the residents list and had a kind of a hunch.” 

 

“Well, a hunch is a hunch,” said Buffy brightly.  “Doesn’t make it right.”

 

“I’m picking up two life forms in there,” Riley replied in a monotone, waving the black box in his hand.  “Who’s the other one?”

 

Xander prepared to launch into an explanation about Giles’s cousin Rodney, confined to the house with a debilitating disease, but Buffy got in first.

 

“Probably Willow in there just now,” she said with a shrug.  Ten out of ten for her acting skills.

 

“Look, Buffy, I haven’t told anyone else about my hunch, because of you.  I’ve had to do some fast talking to get out here and monitor the place on my own.”

 

“That’s really very sweet of you.”  The Slayer stepped a bit closer to her boyfriend and gave him her most dazzling smile.  “But it doesn’t stop me thinking you’re losing it.  Come on, let’s go get a coffee, and we can talk about it.” 

 

“You can’t distract me,” said Riley firmly.  “I’m going in there myself to find out the truth.”  He pulled away from Buffy and strode towards the door.

 

Xander exchanged a desperate look with the Slayer.  They couldn’t protest too much; that would make it obvious Giles was hiding something.  They could only hope Legolas had heard all the noise outside and already made a run for it.

 

Riley was knocking forcefully on the door.  “Mr. Giles?”

 

“Are you crazy?” Buffy said.  “You can’t go forcing your way into people’s houses.  You’re not even on duty!”

 

“I can ask him,” her boyfriend replied simply.  He knocked again, a little harder.

 

All three of them froze as they heard footsteps approaching and the sound of the bolt being drawn back.  The door opened slowly.  Giles stood there, looking somewhat annoyed.

 

“Riley!  This is a surprise,” he said acidly, then nodded at the others.  “Good evening Buffy, Xander.”  He stayed in the doorway, making it quite clear the conversation would take place right there.  “Is there a problem?  I was rather busy.”

 

Riley cleared his throat. “Mr. Giles, Sir,” he said.  “I have reason to believe that there is an HST in the area, most likely highly dangerous, and it may have holed up in or around your property.  Have you seen or heard anything unusual in the last few days?”

 

“An HST?” Giles asked.

 

“Hostile Sub-Terrestrial, Sir.  A demon.”

 

“Hostile Sub…” Giles laughed suddenly, then shook his head.  “You military types will never cease to amaze me,” he said.  “And no, nothing unusual around here, I can assure you.” 

 

Riley didn’t seem to be taken in by Giles’s response.  He stared at the older man for a moment.  “Could I come in?” he asked.  “There may be signs you’ve missed that I could pick up.”

 

“You most certainly could not,” Giles said sniffily.  “I was in the middle of something, and I do not need to be disturbed by you and your infernal devices poking around my house.  If there was anything here I would know it, believe me.”

 

“Mr. Giles, it would be better if you let me in.  You wouldn’t want the whole team round here.”

 

Giles crossed his arms over his chest and gave Riley a look that would turn a nun to stone at fifty paces.  “Are you threatening me, young man?” he asked.  Even Xander shuddered at the tone of his voice.

 

Riley didn’t answer, however.  He was too busy peering over Giles’s shoulder with a funny look on his face.  Xander glanced in the same direction and felt his heart sink.  Why did Legolas have to show up now?  Couldn’t he have kept his head down?

 

“Rupert, it might be better if you invited your young friends in,” the elf said calmly from behind Giles.  “He is alone, but he will not leave without some explanation.”

 

Giles looked as if he might slam the door in their faces for a moment, but Legolas got in first. 

 

“Do not fear, Rupert.  No harm will come of it.”

 

Giles reluctantly moved out of the way and gestured them inside.  Nobody spoke for a moment.  Xander was watching Riley and trying hard to figure out what was going on.  The army boy was staring at the elf as if he couldn’t tear himself away, and his eyes seemed to have glazed over.  Alright, the elf was worth looking at – even Xander, who’d never had a gay tendency in his life, could see that – but this was taking things a bit far.  He wondered briefly if Riley might be batting for the other team.  You know what they say about these macho army types…  he had to stuff his knuckles in his mouth to stop a nervous laugh at the thought.

 

Legolas seemed perfectly relaxed as he stepped up to Riley and broke the silence. 

 

“Well met, Friend,” he said, extending a hand.  “You are Riley, are you not?  A fellow warrior, I believe.”

 

Riley took the hand mechanically, without taking his eyes off the elf.  He didn’t seem to notice that Legolas didn’t let go after they shook, although everyone else in the room was staring pointedly at the two of them standing there, holding hands.  The urge to giggle hit Xander again and he bit his lip to control it.

 

“You’re…you’re -”  Riley seemed to be having some trouble with his voice.

 

“A visitor to your world, yes.  A demon, no,” replied Legolas.  “There is a considerable difference between the two.”

 

“Who – what are you?”

 

“My name is Legolas, and I am an Edhel from a world called Arda, to which I hope to return within a matter of days,” said the elf gently.  “I have no quarrel with humans; we fight on the same side, you and I.”

 

There was a long pause before Riley nodded slightly.  He still didn’t seem to be able to drop his eyes, and Legolas still held his hand.

 

“Your organisation would like to learn of me, I think,” the elf went on.

 

“Yes… yes, they would want to investigate you.”

 

“My friends have been generous in concealing me from the Initiative thus far, but I long to breathe the air of your world once more before I leave,” Legolas said calmly.  “It is time for you to help me.”

 

Four pairs of eyes now gazed at Legolas in astonishment.

 

“Your instruments have traced my presence to this area, but not specifically to this house.  Am I correct?”

 

“Y – yes,” Riley stuttered.

 

“Then it should be a simple matter to stumble across evidence that will bring the matter to a swift conclusion.  Signs of the recent departure of a demon in an empty dwelling somewhere nearby, for instance.  It will be an easy task for you to arrange it, and I have no doubt that Buffy will aid you.”

 

There was a moment’s silence.  The air in the room had suddenly got very heavy.

 

“I could be court-martialled,” croaked Riley.

 

“Undoubtedly,” said the elf smoothly.  Xander wondered if he had the faintest idea what a court martial actually was.  “But you will do your work well, and none will realise the truth.”

 

“But…”

 

The elf untangled his fingers from Riley’s and slid his hand up the soldier’s arm, moving a little closer as he did so.  When his palm rested on the other’s shoulder and they stood eye to eye he spoke again.

 

“Will you do this for me, Riley?” he asked. 

 

Xander realised he was shivering, although it was a warm evening.  There was something very strange going on here.

 

“Yes, I’ll do it.” Riley’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper. 

 

“Good.  It is the right decision.”  Legolas stepped back and withdrew his arm.  He flashed his everyday smile at Riley and the tension in the room seemed to dissolve. 

 

Riley glanced round at the others with a look of total disbelief on his face.  He wiped the back of his hand across his forehead.

 

“Er, excuse me,” he said.  “I really don’t feel too great.  I think I need…” he headed for the door and was out before he could finish his sentence.

 

“He is unharmed.  He simply needs to breathe deeply,” Legolas observed.

 

Buffy, hands on hips, fixed the elf with a serious glare.  “Legolas, did you just hypnotise my boyfriend?”  she demanded.

 

“Hypnotise?  I do not believe I know the meaning of this word,” said the elf innocently.

 

Buffy gave him a Look.  “You’re not all sweetness and light, are you?  But then I should’ve known that, I’ve fought beside you,” she said. “I’d better go after him.”

 

Once the door had closed behind the Slayer, Giles and Xander turned to Legolas. 

 

“What did you do?”  Giles asked.

”Yeah, what is that freaky mind control thing you’ve got going on?  You could have warned us about it,” Xander added.

 

Legolas sighed.  “I would not have resorted to such measures unless it was strictly necessary,” he said, “and you have nothing to fear.  Most humans are not open to me, unless the circumstances are exceptional.  I could not have done such a thing with any of you.  But Riley – there is something unusual about his mind that makes him very susceptible.  I sensed it when he stood at the door, which is why I allowed myself to be seen.  I do not know what it is.”

 

“Bootcamp,” Xander said suddenly.  The elf looked at him quizzically.  “Where they train you for the army.  They break you down, humiliate you so you learn how to accept orders without questioning them.  It’d be enough to mess up anyone’s head.”

 

Legolas nodded.  “Maybe you are right, but I sense something else as well.  Magic, perhaps, or a potion of some sort?  I do not know.”

 

“I wouldn’t put anything past the American army,” Giles said bleakly.  “They like their recruits to do as they’re told.  Are you sure he’s going to call the dogs off?”

“If by that you mean will he end the search for me, yes, I am sure.  He will do whatever is in his power.”  Legolas smiled warmly at Giles and Xander watched as the Englishman visibly relaxed. 

 

“Then you don’t have to be confined to the house any more.”

 

“No, indeed.  I shall feel the air on my face tonight, at last.” The elf placed a hand on Giles’s arm.  “After we finish our discussions,”  he added.

 

Xander grinned as inspiration struck him.  “No, wait,” he said.  “I’ve got a better idea.”  They looked at him expectantly.  “Legolas, you’ve spent all week getting Giles’s take on culture.  How about tonight you come out with us young things and see something a bit different?”

 

 

********************

 

 

“Ask him.  Just walk right over there and ask him.  It’s not difficult,” said Xander, almost shouting to be heard over the music.

 

“I can’t ask him.”  Willow’s voice had reached the high pitched squeak that meant melt-down was imminent.

 

“Why not?  What’s the worst that can happen?  If he says no, he’s bound to do it nicely.”

 

“It’s not-”

 

“Actually the worst case scenario is that he says yes, and then you get out there and he does some weird freaky elf-dance, and everybody in the place turns and laughs at you both.”

 

That put an end to her hysterical moment.  Willow raised her eyebrows at him before turning to look across at Legolas.  Xander’s gaze followed hers.

 

“Can you see it?  Really?” she asked.

 

“No, he’s probably as good at dancing as he is at everything else.”  The elf had claimed he’d never played pool before, but that hadn’t stopped him learning mighty fast.

 

“I know I’m being pathetic.  But he’s just so… so…”

 

“Yeah, right.  And he’s also spent the whole week listening to Giles holding forth about life, the universe and everything.  He could probably use a bit of distraction right about now.  So go and ask him.  Look, I’ll come with you, OK?”

 

Actually Legolas didn’t seem in the least bit bored.  He and Giles had settled themselves in comfy seats at a low table and were knocking back the beers in style.  They never seemed to be short of something to talk about.  Legolas’s long white hands made patterns in the air as he spoke, and Giles was positively beaming.  Still, they’d brought the elf out for a night on the town, so it was time to see it done properly. 

 

Willow nervously followed Xander’s lead as he crossed to the table. 

 

“Well, my elven friend,” said Xander jovially, dropping into the chair next to Legolas.  “What do you think of the place?  Must all seem a bit odd to you.”

 

“The music is strange, and the style of dancing is different,” replied Legolas with a smile, “But the mood of the place is not unfamiliar to me.  My people are most fond of revelry.” 

 

“And of beer, by the looks of things.”

 

“Ah, I would hardly call this beer,” the elf laughed and indicated his half-empty glass, “having had the incomparable experience of tasting dwarf-brewed ale.  But it is refreshing in its way.”

 

“You’d be happier with a good English pint,” pronounced Giles.  “Willow, are you intending to sit down?  Your hovering is making me uncomfortable.”

 

“Actually,” Willow was shuffling from foot to foot.  “We came over to see… I wanted to know if…” It seemed as if she was going to peter out completely, so Xander surreptitiously poked her in the leg for moral support.  “Legolas, I know this isn’t dancing like you’re used to, and I’m no good at it, but would you like to dance with me?”  It came out, finally,  in a rush.

 

The elf bowed his head graciously.  “I should be absolutely delighted,” he said.  “Shall we begin now, or wait until the next melody starts?”

 

“Oh, I don’t think we need to wait,” Willow said breathlessly. “It doesn’t make that much difference here.  You just get up and… do your thing.”

 

“And shake your funky monkey,” added Xander, helpfully.  He decided not to notice Giles’s look of scorn.

 

Legolas unfolded himself from the seat in one fluid motion.  They hadn’t quite managed a clubbing outfit for him, but at least they’d tracked down a pair of jeans that were long enough in the leg.  With a borrowed black T shirt, they were easily smart enough for the Bronze.

 

Giles and Xander nursed their drinks and watched as the elf followed Willow onto the dance floor.  It soon became obvious that Legolas wasn’t going to show Willow up.  That didn’t mean he wasn’t attracting attention.

 

“Quite the super-elf, isn’t he?  All-singing, all-dancing,” said Xander conversationally.

 

“Quite,” replied Giles dryly.

 

“Well I only hope his hand-to-hand’s as good as his archery.  Looks like he might need it, if he goes on like that.”

 

Giles snorted into his drink and finished it off in one gulp.  “If you’ll excuse me,” he said hurriedly, “I think I need to go and…”

 

Xander nodded as the older man got up and headed off in the direction of the bathrooms.  He sat back to watch his friends, tapping a foot in time to the heavily bass-driven track.  Hopefully Buffy and Anya would turn up soon.  They so should not be missing this.

 

He didn’t have to wait long for company to arrive, but it wasn’t quite what he was expecting.

 

“Spike!  What are you doing here?”

 

The vampire flung himself into the seat opposite Xander.  “Having a night out and a quiet beer like the rest of you,” he said defensively.  “Got a problem with that?”

 

“Well, yes, actually.”  He meant to follow it up with some witticism, but suddenly realised he just couldn’t be bothered.  He decided to ignore Spike altogether and let his eyes drift back to the dance floor.

 

Willow was jigging from foot to foot, her grin threatening to split her face in two.  Meanwhile Legolas had his eyes shut and his arms crossed above his head.  He was doing something with his hips that was almost certainly illegal in at least fifteen states.  Most of the other dancers had managed to position themselves so they could watch him.

 

“Quite something, isn’t he?” said Spike, just loudly enough for Xander to hear him.  “It’s no wonder the librarian’s so besotted.”

 

Xander made an all-purpose dismissive noise.  The comment wasn’t worthy of a better response.

 

“He must be pretty sick if you’ve left him moping at home while the elf’s out having fun,” Spike went on.

 

“He’s not moping at home,” Xander retorted without thinking, and peered around the pillar behind Spike.  “He’s…”

 

He’s at the bar, swigging what looks like a triple whisky and staring at Legolas with a really odd expression on his face.  Could the vampire actually have been right?  This cannot be good.

 

“He’s gone to the bathroom,” he concluded.

 

“Wonder what he’s doing in there?” Spike said, making a suggestion of his own by means of a filthy gesture. 

 

“You’re vile.”  The words came out like a reflex.

 

“Well yeah, that’s what I do.  Don’t suppose you can lend me the price of a pack of smokes?”

 

“Lend?  Does that mean you’re going to pay me back?”

 

“Never trust the evil undead.”

 

“As if I need you to tell me that.”  For some reason Xander got his wallet out anyway.  It had to be worth a few dollars just to get rid of the vampire for a while.

 

Anya arrived not long after Spike had swaggered off in search of cigarettes.  She was looking particularly gorgeous in a red lacy number, and Xander spent a while telling her so.  Once they’d prised themselves apart, he pointed out Willow and Legolas, still engrossed in their dancing.  They watched as yet another woman shimmied over in Legolas’s direction, to be met by a sweet smile and a politely dismissive word or two, followed by the back of the elf’s head as he turned towards Willow.  It occurred to Xander that bringing him here might not have been the most intelligent of ideas.  Even with his hair down to cover his ears, he really did stand out.

 

“He is most attractive,” Anya suddenly said, in her uniquely direct way.  Since the announcement of Legolas’s departure date she’d stopped seeing him as a threat.  “I think half the people here would like to make him their sex partner.”

 

“I’m guessing more than half,” replied Xander.  “Just don’t say anything about it to – Oh, Giles, hey.”

 

The Englishman didn’t look too great.  His face was red and his hair messy, as if he’d raked his fingers through it several times.  No, he wasn’t at his best, and his words weren’t exactly reassuring, either.

 

“Hello, Anya,” he said.  “Xander, would you, er, look after my drink for me?  I have a mind to – to join our friends.”

 

Xander felt his mouth drop open as Giles strode purposefully onto the floor.  Of all the weird things he’d seen in Sunnydale, this had to be the weirdest. 

Anya recovered her wits before he did.  “I think I should go with him,” she said.

 

“Good idea,” Xander choked.  “Someone might get hurt.”

 

Anya threaded her way between the dancers and caught up with Giles just as he was tapping the elf on the shoulder.  There was a round of greetings, then they all got back down to their funky business.  From where Xander was sitting he had to admit that it looked as if Giles wasn’t doing too badly, for an old guy.  And Legolas seemed pleased.  Nobody was touching anybody else, but it was quite clear who was dancing together.  All in all, it was enough to drive a man to drink. 

 

He was draining his glass when Buffy materialised out of nowhere and sank into the chair opposite, with her back to the dancers. 

”How’re you doing?” she asked.  “A good night?”

 

“You could say that.  How’s Riley?”

 

“Oh, he’ll be OK, even if his pride is a bit bent out of shape.  He’s gone to sleep it off.  Where are the others?”

 

He felt a grin spreading across his face.  “Over there,” he said, indicating with a nod of the head.

 

Buffy squirmed round in her seat to take a look.  A moment later she was staring at him, with comic-book horror written all over her face.

 

“Xander, pinch me now.”

“With pleasure, my dear,” he leered playfully.  “Anywhere in particular?”

 

“I must be dreaming,” the Slayer continued.  “That looked like… Giles… and he was dancing with Legolas.”

 

“Horrible, isn’t it?” agreed Xander gleefully.

 

“But, Xander, Giles!” she said.

 

“I know.”

 

“I mean, how many times have we seen the world nearly come to an end?  What, five or six?  I really thought nothing in this town could shock me any more.  I was wrong.”

 

He very nearly told her that the full truth might be even more outrageous, but he bit his tongue and took another swallow of his drink instead.  He wasn’t about to spread that type of rumour.  Oh no, there are some things in life it’s best to keep to yourself.

 

 

 

 

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

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