The Thurber Hypothesis
Or
A Funny Thing Happened
on the Way to Imladris
By Capella
Five
One of
them was safe. It was something to be
thankful for.
Giles
waited until
Driving
back home through the quiet streets he wondered how much of the evening’s
discussion
The
sight of a black-clad figure lurking in the shadows by the door did absolutely
nothing to lift his spirits.
“Haven’t
you annoyed me enough already today?” he asked wearily as he climbed out of the
car.
“Forgot
what I came for in all the excitement, didn’t I?” sneered Spike. “You still driving
that crappy old banger? When are you
going to scrap it and get a decent set of wheels?”
Oh,
just great - lifestyle advice from a neutered vampire. Could things get much worse? He forced himself not to rise to the bait.
“And
what exactly was it that you came for? I
only hope it’s something quick, because I don’t think I can stand much more of
your company this evening.”
“Well, get
you, Mr. Irritable,” said the vampire archly, following him into the house
uninvited. “What’s the matter, is Leggy Lass playing hard to get?”
“Will
you please leave it out?” Calm,
Giles, calm. “And don’t refer to Legolas
like that.”
“Bit
appropriate though, isn’t it?” Spike
flung himself down on the sofa, grinning.
“No it
is not! There’s nothing feminine about
him.”
“No, definitely not.” The voice
was heavy with irony. “Of course, I
don’t go for blokes myself, but I have to admit, I’ve been wondering all
evening what elf might taste like.” The
vampire bared his teeth and ran his tongue across his upper incisors suggestively.
“You
disgust me,” Giles snapped, trying to ignore the rising heat in his face and
neck.
“Rich
and rather sweet, wouldn’t you think?
Shouldn’t be surprised if you quite fancy the idea of sucking on him yourself.”
“Oh, for God’s sake!” Giles brought
his hand up to hide his eyes and massage his temples with fingers and
thumb. Heaven knows, he needed to
relax. Damn the fiend – how did he
always manage to be so appallingly perceptive?
He couldn’t just hit the nail on the head, he had
to pound it mercilessly with an oversized mallet.
“You’re
on a hiding to nothing with that plea,” Spike said, laughing. “Hell-spawn demon here, remember?”
“I
could hardly forget, when you take every possible opportunity
to remind me.” He dropped his hand and
glared at the vampire. “What did
you come here for? Just to ruin my
evening, or to try to get yourself killed by Legolas? Perhaps you should have another go at him and
let him finish you off; it would do us all a favour.”
“Might well do just that. I wonder
which of us would enjoy it more?” Spike slid off the sofa and stalked across
the room to the chest in the corner. “I
came for this,” he said, rummaging around and retrieving a crumpled black
object. “My favourite
T shirt. Knew it was here,
haven’t seen it since you kicked me out to stay in Pizza Boy’s basement.” He stuffed the garment in a coat pocket.
“Well
now you’ve got it you can leave. I don’t
need to hear any more smutty comments about my guest.”
“You
know, he wouldn’t be as horrified by the idea as you might imagine.” The vampire’s tone was suddenly quite
different, almost pleasant, insinuating.
Giles
knew he shouldn’t fall for it, but the words were out before he could stop
them. “What do you mean?”
Spike
raised an eyebrow as he dropped into his seat and leaned back, linking his
fingers behind his head. “Don’t be
fooled by the Ice Queen image,” he said with a sly smile. “The elf’s hot-blooded alright. I could feel it through his skin, practically
smell it on him. For a moment I thought
the old librarian had got lucky, until I saw the state you were in.”
“I
cannot believe I am sitting here listening to this.”
“Don’t
bother trying to pretend it’s not what you want to hear. It’s written all over you.”
No doubt
that part of it was true. Giles
shuddered at the thought that Legolas was probably every bit as aware of it as
Spike. At least the elf was gracious
enough to ignore it.
“It
doesn’t mean you’re not lying,” he said sharply, not even attempting to deny
his interest. “You’re hardly a reliable
source. You’ve already given me two
different versions of why you turned up here today.”
“Well
what do you expect from an evil son-of-a-bitch like me?” Spike was clearly having a great time. “Mind you, on this occasion I’m giving it to
you straight. But if you don’t believe
me, you can ask the blond bombshell himself,” he tilted his head towards the
door. “Here he is now.”
Sure
enough, a second later there was a discreet knock at the door before Legolas
slipped inside.
The elf
had changed back into his own forest-coloured clothes
for the orc hunt. With his hair braided
back, weapons slung across his shoulder and face glowing, he looked his true
self, an other-worldly warrior, vital and strong. For once Spike made no comment, but simply
widened his eyes in mute appraisal while Legolas allowed a slight frown to
settle on his features at the sight of the vampire.
“Legolas
– are the others with you?” Giles
started towards the door.
“No,
but they are safe.”
“And the Uruk-Hai?”
“Dead,”
replied the elf shortly, unstrapping his quiver and
setting it beside the long curved bow against the wall. “Whether we killed them all remains to be
seen, but we certainly took the majority.”
“And
you didn’t invite me along for the fight?” Spike complained. “Should have told me there
was some orc ass to be kicked.
I’d have joined you.”
Legolas
glanced briefly at the vampire but otherwise ignored the comment. “Buffy and Xander insisted that I run back
here,” he said earnestly to Giles, “and ask that you
conceal me from the . . . Initiative.”
“The Initiative? They were
there?” A sick feeling began in his
gut. “Did they see you?”
“No,
they were approaching, men on foot and a flying machine. I wished to stay to aid the others but they
were adamant that I should leave with all haste.”
“They
were quite right,” said Giles grimly.
“We can’t have the army finding you.”
“Oh,
bloody wonderful, so you’ve led them right here, guns blazing and ready for
action?” All hint of playfulness was
gone from Spike’s voice. “Great strategy!
Well, I’m out of here before the fur starts flying.”
Giles
crossed the room to the shelves where he kept the oldest magic books, a plan
forming in his mind. “Do shut up,
Spike. And you might stay,
you could be useful for once. A third
person to work the spell would be -”
“D’you think I’m mad? Magic isn’t going to stop those nutters. They’re
packing some serious conventional weaponry, and a few unconventional pieces
besides.”
“I may
not be able to stop them, but we should be able to keep them away,” replied
Giles, crouching before the bookcase and leafing through the ancient Grimoire. “If their
sensors work by detecting disturbances in the mystical energy field, a generalised concealing
spell should hold them off. It will only
need -”
The
slam of the door silenced him, bringing him to his feet to spin round and face
Legolas.
The elf
regarded him anxiously. “Should I have stopped him?”
“No,
don’t worry,” Giles sighed. “We can manage
with just the two of us, but it will take a little longer. I just need to get some things from the other
room, then we can start.”
“Rupert,
I do not understand what this Initiative is, nor why it is such a threat. But I have no wish to put you and your young
friends at risk. Would it not be better
for me to leave and hide elsewhere? They
would follow me and leave you alone, would they not?”
“That’s
out of the question! You must stay here! I can’t protect you otherwise.” Without thinking Giles reached out and
grasped the elf’s wrist, then dropped his hand back rapidly as if burned,
shocked by his own audacity.
Legolas
did not seem affronted by the touch. He
stared into Giles’s eyes as he slowly raised his own hand and rested it on the
man’s shoulder. For a moment his
expression was searching, as if he was trying to be sure that Giles really
wanted him to stay, then his face relaxed and a smile
broke across it.
Time
seemed to stop for Giles as awareness of the elf’s fingers on his wool-clad
flesh crowded everything else out of his mind.
“Thank
you, my friend,” said Legolas at last. “It is a great comfort to me in this
strange world to know that there is one who would risk his own safety to ensure
mine.” He let his arm fall back to his side. “Now, what must we do?”
********************
They
had barely finished the ritual when Buffy arrived, flushed and a little
breathless. She took in the chalked
symbols, the powders and the candles with a knowing glance.
“Sorted?”
“I very
much hope so,” said Giles gravely, retrieving dustpan and broom from the
kitchen cupboard. “So long as they
haven’t tailed Legolas right to the door, they should pass us by.”
“They
haven’t got this far,” the Slayer replied confidently.
“Please,
allow me.” Legolas took the dustpan from
Giles and crouched to collect the sweepings as the man steered them his way. “Buffy, where is Xander?”
“Couldn’t
keep up, I’m afraid, and I wanted to get back quickly to make sure you were
okay. He’ll be along shortly.”
“Did
you see the army boys?” Giles enquired.
“Saw
them, but from a distance, and they didn’t see us. Riley’s colleagues still don’t know about me,
and I’m not about to come out to them over a pile of bodies.”
“Very wise.”
“Perhaps
now the immediate danger is behind us you would be so kind as to tell me about
this organisation,” said Legolas, standing upright and handing the dustpan back
to Giles.
“Buffy?” He left the Slayer to explain while he headed
back to the kitchen.
“Well,
they’re army, and technically good guys, no, definitely good guys, but they’re
a bit enthusiastic,” she said. “They
catch demons and do tests on them, experiments.
They stuck something in Spike’s head to make him harmless.”
“And
you believe they pose a threat to me because they would take me for a demon?”
“There’s
a chance they’d accept that you’re good, but they’d be likely to whack you with
twenty thousand volts first.”
“With
twenty thousand . . .?”
“Oh, sorry, my bad.” Buffy
raised her voice a little. “Giles, are you
planning to explain to Legolas about the wonders of the modern world?”
“Well,
I suppose so, if that’s what he wants.” Giles
stepped back into the lounge as a delicious idea occurred to him. He turned to the elf. “I don’t think it will be safe for you to go
out for a while, at least until Buffy’s friend Riley returns and she can find
out whether the house is being watched.
We’ll need to find you something to pass the time.”
It
would probably violate some great cosmic law, but the thought was
irresistible. Legolas,
wide-eyed at his side, learning from him of humanity’s finer achievements. Shakespeare, Mozart, electromagnetic
induction . . . suddenly there seemed to
be far too few hours between now and Friday.
His
eagerness must have been apparent. “There
is much I would learn of your world, if you are willing to teach me,” Legolas
said warmly.
“Willing? It would be an absolute pleasure.” Giles met the elf’s eyes and answered his
smile in kind. A tingle started somewhere
in his brain as they shared a moment of perfect understanding.
“And if
you’re dead of boredom by the end of the week, I promise we’ll send you back to
Middle Earth in a box,” Buffy put in.
She caught Giles’s look. “I know,
I know. Going off to meet
Xander now.” She grinned cheekily
before grabbing her coat and striding to the door.
Giles,
left alone with Legolas once more, felt suddenly, ridiculously shy. “Er . . . would you
care for some tea?” he offered foolishly.
The elf smiled broadly. “Very much so,”
he said, “Although I would wash and change my clothing first.” He indicated the dark splash across the front
of his tunic, orc blood, no doubt.
“Of
course, please go ahead. I’ll put the
kettle on.”
Giles
watched Legolas run lightly up the stairs and almost had to shake himself to
bring his thoughts into focus. He should
put some music on, introduce the elf to some of his
favourites. Crossing to the stereo, he
quickly surveyed his CD and vinyl collection.
Really, this promised to be quite sinfully enjoyable.
The
only problem, of course, was knowing where to start.
To be
continued…
Back to Capella’s
Fiction Next Chapter Contact Capella