2.22.02

yesterday i read about the dog mauling case in san francisco. this is the sort of thing that makes me think perhaps the city should consider reopening alcatraz. 

the whole thing is like some google alt. bbs freakshow. holy crap. i mean, starting with the (19 pg!) letter that the two defendants sent to the prosecutor's office... the letterhead reads "Noel & Kneeler". the woman's name is knoller. now it isn't a typo and before any of you consider sending me some email explaining to me the finer points of alternative lifestyle choices for consenting adults let me assure you i am well aware of the choices people make in their private lives. this guy refers to ms. knoller as ms. kneeler throughout the whole letter. hardcore.

so, bizarre. one of the "justifications" they offered to explain the dog attacking this poor woman could be due to her "carrying groceries". criminal! how dare she not teleport the groceries into her apartment so as not to incite murderous behavior in the neighbors dogs.

but wait there's more! there is a nazi - note to anyone who sends me an email to point out the distinction between nazis and the aryan brother hood; there is not distinction. also, go away. a nazi serving a life sentence for attempted murder! and this nazi is called "cornfed"! and he don't like no "wussy dogs". also, he's been adopted by noel and knoller/kneeler. he loves them very much. so much so that he has special pictures of mommy and the doggies in his cell.

so, how exactly would a personals ad read for these people? MWDSSFCISOIL-TIW/BF&MDR.
(married white dom sub san francisco couple in search of incestuous life sentence inmate with bestiality fetish and murderous dog ranch.) 

phineas and i agreed yesterday, it's like someone is just in the press room making shit up. 

like i said. alcatraz, baby.

2.21.02

my brother recently told me he feels personal sites are self indulgent. so to fortify his position, i present to following:

before

now

2.18.02

Another Neat Technology Moment

(AIM conversation with friend watching my daughter)

(friend): lol, now she has a poopy pants and when i asked if she had poop in her pants she smiled ear to ear and said nooooo
jocelynmyoung: because she is evil.
(friend): lol
jocelynmyoung: she gets it from me. i never admit when i have poopy pants either.

February 14, 2002

be mine.

my very first valentines gift was early. with the attached note i will save forever and ever... "If not home leave inside back door." my other valentine present will be landing at milwaukee airport soon, but not soon enough.

my man, my son, and my brother all coming on the same weekend. so if i never update again it is because i spontaneously combusted with the happy day.

but i know none of you come here to read about my blissful good fortune. despair not! i have things to complain about! 

so i watched a pbs Nature program featuring the white elephants of Thailand, hosted by meg ryan. meg ryan! it was terrible. i can't decide if i hate her or am thankful that her personalities are scripted. this woman can barely string words into a sentence. after a particularly idiotic rambling jag which they didn't edit out she said "to anyone watching this show, please like me...." 

no. no i will not.

nor will i like the woman in the pilsbury dinner roll commercial who "doesn't know what she would do without..." her frozen dinner rolls. because she runs to the freezer each and every time one of her 5 narcissistic family members comes home at random intervals expecting a hot meal. 

advertising firms seem to have this image of women in the mid-west as being so smitten with devotion to their spouses and children that our lives revolve solely around expressing our love with starchy foodstuffs. at their convenience. because there is nothing interesting and fulfilling in our own interior pursuits. gah.

see? love has not erased my cynical embittered resentment towards grotesquely antiquated stereotypes. it's just made me a kinder, gentler bitchy squalker. 

happy valentines day!

2.12.02

my assistant.

here is a photo from her first day in the office:

she has made significant progress in the past year and a half. specifically in hair growth. and work appropriate attire. 

2.8.02

phineas called me a web slacker. and not that is is particularly interesting, but since i haven't updated since the 25th or something here is a brief synopsis of the past week or so:

january 26 - 29 blunder about in fretfully neurotic manner about impending oral surgery. 
january 30 oral surgery. 
january 30 - february 3 ow ow ow ow ow ow.
febraury 3 - present catching up. stop yelling at everyone

today's featured conversation:

woman: did everything get delivered?
man: no, and the appliances didn't fit. the furniture didn't arrive. and i left without my laptop.
woman: i wouldn't let you leave without your briefcase. and i would stay home and wait for the delivery people. this is what wives are for.
man: wife? i need a personal assistant.
woman: you can't have sex with your personal assistant
man: i can if it's in the job description
woman: honey that's called a hooker.