Diary~

Life sucks! Why does this stuff happen to me. Out of everyone in the world, it seems like it only happens to me. Do I deserve this? No, I know I don't. Just when I thought nothing could get any worse, it does. We used protection, this couldn't possibly happen. We were always so careful. I can't, I repeat can't have another baby, not after what happened. Jamie meant everything in the world to me, then was taken away, just as Brian was. Everything I have ever loved has been taken away from me.

"Trisha!" a voice called from down the hall.

"Yeah,"I peeked my head out my door.

"Phone..."

"Ok, I got it"I said grabbing the phone and placing it to my ear. "Hello?"

"Trish, baby.... I need you, please," a voice cried weakly into the phone. I could tell it was Brian, there was something wrong and it stung my body. I threw down the phone and ran down the steps. I grabbed my keys and got in the car, driving as quickly as I could to his house, not stopping for red lights or anything. I reached his house and ran up the steps.

"Shit, it's locked!" I exclaimed running back into the backyard. I opened the back door and ran in. I trembled as i approached his room. I slowly turned the handle and opened the door. Brian was laying there, his eyes closed, the phone still in his hand which was making a loud buzz. I almost collapsed down to the floor in tears but held composure and made my way over to him. I quickly dialed the ambulance.

Later that night, everyone was in the lobby waiting silently from word of the doctor.

I was bursting inside, I had to know what was wrong with him. I couldn't hold it anymore. I stormed up to the desk where the nurses had crowded around. "Listen I have been waiting here for several hours, I would really like to know what's going on" I exclaimed with a crackle in my voice.

"I'm sorry Miss but you will have to wait, we aren't suppose to give out any info about the patient's status." She replied.

"Look, you don't understand. I have been waiting a really long time and have heard bits and pieces, please just tell me if it's serious or not?"I pleaded as a tear escaped my eye.

"I'm sure you have dear, but please, it's procedure that we're not aloud to talk to anyone but immediate family. Now please, go have a seat."

"I'm his god damn wife,"I lied "Isn't that good enough for you damn people?"I yelled.

"I'm sorry I wasn't aware of that, but you must ask the doctor, here he comes."

With that I turned and walked over to the doctor that had walked out of his room.

"Please, can you help me?"

"Are you his wife?" he asked.

"Yes, please, what's going on with him?"

"Well I'm afraid he's developed a problem with his heart." he replied with that still tone to his voice.

"Wha...what? But he's already had surgery, they said they fixed it."

"They did, We're going to have to conduct a few more tests to know for sure."

"Is he going to be ok, can I see him?"

"I wont know anything for sure until a bit later, You can see him now, but not for long. He need's rest. I will let you know anything new as soon as I can."

I quickly walked over to his room and entered silently. He seemed so lifeless laying there. His skin almost matching the pale looking sheets. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched him in a cold sleep. I grabbed the chair and pulled it over to the bed. I sat down as I held his hand tightly in mine.

"Brian"I whispered,"I know these last few weeks haven't been the easiest for you, but believe me they have been worse for me. I know you will get threw this. You are a strong person, and you have seen worse then this. You mean the world to me, I don't know what I would do with out you." I cried. "I know you can't hear me but I just have to get this out. I want to love you Brian, I wish you would let me. I don't know why it is your pushing me away. Don't you love me?" I said as I felt his hand slightly tighten around mine. His eyes began to open a little and he began to talk, "Trish..... I do love you baby"he whispered slightly.

"I love you too, Bri." I smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

"Trish..."he said but I cut him off.

"Brian I need to tell you something" I started.

"Yeah, what is it."

"I'm...pregnant......"

Brian said nothing, he just sat there with a small smile on his face. "That's great baby......" but was cut off by a wincing pain that shot through his body, he clutched at his heart moaning loudly in pain. "Brian, BRIAN!!!" I screeched, "HELP, HELP!!!!" I screamed as the doctors rushed threw the doors frantically. "Get her out of here" One of them yelled, as another pushed me out the doors. I ran to the window and watched as the doctors crowded around him trying to resuscitate him. AJ and Nick ran up to me trying to pull me away from the window. I pushed and screamed for them to leave me alone. Tears fell down my cheeks and my body became numb of any feeling at all. All I knew was that I couldn't lose Brian, the first guy I had ever loved. He meant everything to me. They couldn't possibly know that. I know they thought I shouldn't watch and that it would only make it worse but I had too. I needed to know what was going on. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the glass preying to god he wouldn't take Brian away as he did with so many other people in my life.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP"

"NOOOOOOOOO, PLEASE, NO, I LOVE YOU, YOU CANT LEAVE"I screamed threw the empty halls, as I fell to the ground in tears. "

"Why," I cried "Why did you have to take him away from me????"