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Journey to the Seventh Planet

(Cinemagic, Inc. 1962) Director: Sidney Pink  Starring: John Agar, Gretta Thyssen Ann Smyrner, and Mimi Heinrich

Space...it's really far out there. Especially if yer going to Uranus....

Heh...."uranus"..... Ironically, I'm a huge fan of sci-fi...but I don't think the prospect of space-travel would be very pleasing to me.  I mean...yer constantly receiving mysterious signals from other races that are indecipherable, exploring old derelict ships and/or barren plantet surfaces, and getting used as hosts for alien embryo. At the least, yer being toyed with by some master race that's just interested in seeing what makes humanity tick, either biologically or mentally, to see if our race is one that's of the proper dominating stock... Don't sound like no fun to me.  But what do I know...I live in Ohio.   And trust me....being of somewhat above-average intelligence in a place that gets it's kicks outta tractor pulls and demolition derbies is about as alien an enviroment I'd ever wanna be placed in.......which brings us to our film.

The Plot:  The place...Space!  The time.....2001! (THE FUTURE!! Whoo! )  Earth has become a peaceful place, where men's fashions haven't progessed past the year 1962, and ruled by the good ol' U.S. of A, baby!  Yeah!  Better dead than red, m' man!  The majority of the orbs in our solar system have been colonized by this Kennedy-envisioned future...with the exception of Uranus.   Heh...."uranus".  So, the military of the United States of Earth are sending a 5 man crew of horny male chavuenists to the seventh planet, Uranus, led by John Agar. Somehow, sending a five man crew to Uranus, even one under the command of John Agar, doesn't exactly sound like a pleasant thing.  well...to some of us, maybe.  To others, it's sounds about as pleasing as a prostate exam.  (>>>rimshot<<<<!!!)   Thank you...I'm Shecky Conn and I'll be here all week, twice on Saturday. Anyways...upon arrival, we (the audience) discover that Uranus...heh..."uranus"...sorry...enough of the sophoric humor...is ruled by what looks like a laser Flyod show or stock footage from "The Trip", who wants to use the crew members' minds to conquer the universe, or some such nonsense.  The crew lands, and suddenly find themselves smack in the middle of the Bradbury story, "Mars is Heaven", making this all that much more a rip-off of "Forbidden Planet".  I half expected Leslie Neilsen to show up at this point.   A few mysterious women appear and offer them their heart's desires...yadda yadda yadda.  Then, they get attacked by a giant one-eyed stop motion rat monster when they try and discover the mysterious source of all this weirdness, making the connection that something is using their thoughts to mess with their perceptions.  The spacefarers' decide to confront the giant brain that lives in the cave down the way with one pulsating eye, and try and kill it.   This is exactly why I'd make a terrible space adventurer, because after the giant rat-monster...I'd have hauled ass and told the Earth base to stay the hell away from Uranus, because something sh*tty's happenin' there.... SPOILER ALERT!:  They kill the brain monster with some clever use of of emulsion scratch lasers and liquid oxygen, making space safe once again for all God-fearin' Americans!  USA!!  The end.

JOURNEY TO THE SEVENTH PLANET ain't no "2001", but it's a decent enough time killer, and you can make up numerous Uranus jokes with one simple viewing.  Pictured to the left is the new MGM Midnite Movies Double Feature DVD I picked up to view for this review.  The transfer's nice (as always with MGM's current catalog of discs under this banner), and the sound is excellent....even if this Danish production was dubbed for a US release. Recommended to all who enjoy space travel, giant rat monsters, brains with big ol' eyes, and fans of "Uranus" jokes....