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STRAIGHT LINE

(1992) Nelvana/RHI  Director: George Mihalki  Starring:  Mr. T...sucka!, Alex Amini, Kenneth Walsh

I'm a huge fan of all things Mister T......

Whether it be his work on THE A-TEAM, his many film roles, or his excellent cartoon show, he has bedazzled me since I was a child.

I've had the oppurtunity to meet the man himself, at a local toughman competition he was a celebrity referee at a few years back, and I found him to be just as charming as I had imagined in person.  He even signed my copy of "Mr.T and the T Force " #1 (yeah...I was one of the five people who bought it). Now...whenever I run across a new piece of T memorabilia, I'm on it like a flash....especially if it's cheap.  This would explain why every car I've owned since 1998 has had a "Mr. T" airfreshner hanging from the rearview mirror  (I picked up a box of these things unopenned at a local fleamarket for 2 bucks! ).  Not only is it fashionable, but I figure potential car thieves will look in the window, see the damn thing, and immediately think: "Holy Sh*T!  This is Mr. T's ride!  I better run like hell!" Such is the case of this VHS, the subject of the following review.  Located in a local video rental place, in the their used VHS bin for 4 bucks...it was something I just couldn't pass up.  I had never heard of the film, but after somw viewing and research via the "inner-net" (as my father likes to call it), I came to discover that it was actually a feature edit version of a couple of episodes of the now defunct syndicated show "T and T" (remember this?) or possibly the pilot episode, of which I'm not sure.

Tiring of my usual rants about flicks, I wanted to do something to spice things up a little.  I thought, "Would an interview with T himself about his participation in this piece of filmed entertainment be great?"  But I ran into a stumbling block....not only do I not have any means of contacting the esteemed T, other than the usual channels available to me, and well...um...the cops in this town kinda frown upon me wandering out into my yard and bellowing out, "MISTER T!  HELP ME!!!", at the top of my lungs like the last time.  Disturbing the peace is an easy rap to beat once...but a fifth time may get me in trouble.  All was not lost, though.... Thanks to L'il Mister T! Little T is a resident of my home...he lives with the rest of a complete collection of A-Team action figures on top of my entertainment center, a set I've owned since being a wee lad.  He's the next best thing to having the real T, at least for the purposes of this little pop culture excursion.

Helluva tough...and 5 inches tall.

HKC:  Thanks for stopping by, Mister T.  It's always a pleasure. Mr. T:  Cut wit' da jibba-jabba, foo'!  I'm ready to talk abouts my big moofie! HKC:  Of course..I realize you're a busy man...what with being on Conan O'Brien repeatedly these days.   Anyways, in the film, STRAIGHT LINE, you portray private detective T.S. Turner.  Did you do any research into the shamus business to bone up on the role? T:  Nope.  Detectin' stuff ain't hard, 'specially if yer Mister T!  Dat's 'cause I drink milk! HKC:  The plot, which is Oscar quality,has you fighting a white supremist gang of kids backed by an evil doctor.  Do you hate racist scum like the kids in this movie? T:  I'm in it for the kids...black, white, purple, green...it doesn't matter to Mister T.  White supremies?  They better never show they face down at my yoof center, or I'll let 'em meet my fist!  And they better not touch my gold!  I ain't afraid of no lizards, either!

HKC:  In the spectacular climax, you take on a literal army of armed, militant-type bad guys single-handedly....I mean...there's like fify guys against you, yet you come out on top without a scratch.  How much of that was you, and how much was the work of a stuntman?  Are you really that helluva tough? T:  I DRINK MILK!!!!! ANY MAN DAT DON'T LOVE HIS MAMA AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE!!! HKC:  Um...yeah. T:  Lissen, man, I'm gonna make like a gardner.  You're gonna eat dirt! HKC: Calm down..... T:  You got a spacesuit, foo?!? HKC:  What?!?!? T:  Because you better hope they gots movies on Mars!  I'm gonna blast you there, reviewsucka! HKC:  Get the f*ck off me.... T:  I drink milk!!! ( HKC has yet to finish this review, and has not been seen in some time.  Any information leading to his current whereabouts would be greatly appreciated.- The Management)