HOME

THE

'S

STARCRASH

(1979) New World Pictures  Director:  "Lewis Coates"  Starring: Caroline Munroe, David Hasselhoff, Joe Spinell, and Christopher Plummer.

Jesus H. Christ...I'd thought I'd seen some dumb sh*t in my life..... Then there's STARCRASH. Here's how it all started....and reader beware:  It is a sad tale of drunken vice and childhood memories.... A friend of mine who is a fellow STAR WARS nut had heard of this little opus, but had never seen it.  I had, as a kid, at a local drive-in in my hometown, but I was 6 the last time I'd had any experience with it.  So, when I spotted the damn VHS at a local rental place for sale used, I laid down my 3 bucks for it, and we proceeded to watch this thing.

THE PLOT:  Well, we won't even approach it, because it jumped so much, even I was lost.  And, after a few drinks, that can be a bad thing.  The things that seemed to stick out?  L the police droid, whom that night became affectionately dubbed "Yeehaw-D2" for the rest of the film by me and my friend.  Who the f*ck programs an enforcement droid to sound like a lazy Southerner?  I half expected him to take off the helmet, and James Best be underneath it.  Then, there was Hasselhoff with a lightsaber, which suddenly turned the flick into "Star Wars Episode 1/2", deemed so because the flick was half as good as "A New Hope" and looked to have been filmed on half of that flick's catering budget.

"I'm gonna git them Duke Boys!"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..THE ONLY REDEEMING THING THIS FILM HAS TO OFFER.

YEP. That's it..  Ah...sweet, sweet flesh.  but not enough of it.

Then...there's these two robots.  The Golems. Walking erector sets, more like it.  But Hasselhoff has a Harryhausen-ish lightsaber fight with 'em, and they weren't the ones in those scenes that had the acting ability of a metal post, so I'll give 'em that much.  I made a comment on how they must look like what Twiggy the robot on the Gil Gerrard "BUCK ROGERS" tv show did without any clothes, which caused a few drunken laughs. Biddy--Biddy--Biddy--I feel so--free, Buck. Hee hee hee....

Ooo.  Ahh.  Special Effects.

"You talkin' to me?"

And Joe Spinell, as the bad guy Zarth Arn?  Well, after hearing the commentary track on Anchor Bay Home Video's VIGILANTE DVD, Bil Lustig and crew make him out to have be a completely eccentric nutcase.... Well, after seeing this flick, and pondering on the fact that he actually read the script before accepting the role...well, that pretty much confirms it. God...I was so naive as a child.  I actually remember ths thing being incredibly entertaining....musta been the lead paint chips I ate.