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Archie: Return to Riverdale |
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(New Concorde 1990) Director: Dick Lowry Starring: Christopher Rich, Lauren Holly, Sam whipple, Gary Kroeger, and a couple of other washed-ups... |
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Last summer, I had one of those "reality checks".... |
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Not by choice, mind you....I try and shun as much of this over-rated stimuli pawned off on us as "reality" as possible. For one thing, it's fairly depressing, and that's definately not something I need in my life. And...most of the stuff that is real that goes on in my life, and/or has happened to me in my past is way too surreal to be defined as normal to begin with.
I attended that Great Equilizer of all men....my ten year high school reunion.
I figured it would be good for at least a few laughs. |
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After walking thru the door of my hometown's "civic center"....basically a ballroom sized space rented out to anyone who'll pony up...a few things happened that kinda knew would:
1.) Most of the "popular kids" were now fairly broke and destitute. Ha ha! Mommy and Daddy may have bought you that black Trans-Am when you were a senior...but cut you loose at 21. I feel no pity for you.
2.) Most of the kids that didn't seem to have a chance actually made out fairly well....
3.) All the really good-looking women (well, most of 'em) were now moms with 2.5 kids and had lost their looks....and those that hadn't were divorcees starving for attention from anybody they felt a kinship with. Thank God one of the latter was one of the few gals there to make a pass at me. |
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The thing I didn't expect to happen was finally realizing that I was finally an adult...in the surest sense. Nothing pounds that fact in more than listening to a bunch of your peers bitching and moaning about stuff that...wel...my mom and dad bitched about constantly. I mean, I've been married and divorced, have a son, attended college and entered the workforce...yet it had never really sank in for me that I was an adult. Basically, I never felt any different than I had in high school...the only thing now was I didn't get the jitters wondering if someone was gonna card me for booze. going to my 10 year class shindig not only allowed me to grasp that, but also instilled in me a strange feeling of mortality....that and the fact that all my old classmates are a bunch of whiny people...but I digress... |
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The hippest headgear...ever. |
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The Plot: After ten years, Arch (Chris Rich) and the gang gather back together in the ol' hometown of Riverdale for their 10 year high school reunion. It's a fairly depressing time....Archie's getting ready to leave town and get married (he's becoming part of a big city lawfirm) . Juggie's a neurotic psychologist (oh, irony), and a single father to boot. Reg owns a used carlot, and Veronica's been married about 7 times. Reg wants to shut down Pop's malt shop...because he's greedy. Some things never change. It's revealed that Arch and Betty slept togrther during high school.
The end.
How the hell is this any different than real life?
I mean, I read Archie Comics for the escapism. Riverdale is an iconic utopia, where noone ages, and times are simpler. If I wanna be depressed, I'll make a reality check and take account of my own life.
What's next? Archie's got commitment issues? Veronica's a nymphomaniac? Reggie likes rough sex?
Viewing this film is like reading a really depressing tijuana bible....ya finally get to see how things run behind the scenes in these characters lives...and it ruins everything because their just as bad off as us real folk.
A good time killer...but catch it for free if ya can. Not even worth a rental. |
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