Ranma 1/2: The Magical Mystery Hibiki Tour

by Jaelle and Orla

***

The characters in this story are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi-sama. We prostrate ourselves at her feet and beg her
forgiveness for our temerity in using these characters. We're
not worthy! We're not worthy!

The other characters in this story are the copyrighted
property of Yuki Nasu and Pioneer LDC.

***

Part Three

"Hey look Akane! There's the dojo - again."

"Shut up, Ranma."

"Just pointing out interesting landmarks, Ryoga."

"Don't distract him, Ranma."

"Ryoga, you jackass! I said _left_!"

"Left, you say?"

"Right."

"Oh, right."

"NOOOOO!!!! Left, _LEFT_!!! Why did you go right?"

"You said right!"

"I was... oh, what's the use?"

"There goes Kasumi to the market."

"We'll probably see her coming back at this rate."

"Ranchan, you are _not_ helping!"

"Hey look, we're on a different patch of road! It's a
miracle!"

"RANMA..."

"Control, sugar. Remember you are the driver."

"Yes, ok, so where are we going now?"

"Ucchans to pick up Konatsu, then the Kuno household for
Nabiki."

"I can find those... Ranma, stop laughing!"

"Sure you can Ryoga, keep telling yourself that. Positive
thinking is very good for the spirit. Hey look, it's
Furinkan High School again!"

"That's good, that means we're not far from Ucchans. Go down
_this_ road Ryoga."

"I know where I'm going! Quit backseat driving!"

"Look you jackass, I'm directing you here, it's not my
fault you have all the directional instincts of a
depressed lemming! Now just pay attention to me and..."

"We're here." Ryoga stopped the bus. He turned in his
seat to glare at Ranma, "Any more smart aleck remarks
to make, Girly?"

Ranma leaned back in his seat. "You know I'm going to
have to complain to the management of this tour about
the treatment I'm receiving from the driver."

"I am the management!" yelled Ryoga.

"Yeah right," said Ukyou. "No arguing with the customers
MISTER Hibiki. Get out and help Konatsu. AND DON'T
WANDER OFF!!!"

"No trust, no trust, the abuse I get. This is hardly
helping my internal-work relationships." grumbled Ryoga.
"I took half a course in labour law once you know."

"What happened?" Ranma jeered. "You get lost inside
a university and couldn't find your way out?"

Ryoga's face flamed. "Yeah? Well I bet you couldn't do
quadratic equations if your life depended on it!" He
stomped off.

"Whoah," said Ranma. "I was just kidding!"

"Ranma," said Akane, "It's a little unfair of you to tease
Ryoga like this, he's just trying to do his best. And then
you complain when he reacts!"

"Awwwww, he's used to it. Besides it's his own fault for
being on such a short fuse."

"Look who's talking."

The conversation degenerated into its normal wrangling.
Outside the bus, Ryoga leant against a pole and tried to
slow his heartbeat. *She... she defended me against him!
Oh heart, slow your racing pace... Akane...*

"Ahem. Ryoga-kun!"

Ryoga turned around, tears pouring down his face.
Konatsu looked at him strangely. "So, you gonna help a
lady with her bags or what?"

Ryoga lifted his bags and turned towards the bus,
miraculously going the right way. "Life is good."

***

"And make a right turn here," Ukyou relaxed as Ryoga
correctly interpreted this direction. He wasn't really
so bad _inside_ Nerima. After all, he'd spent a lot of
time here.

Nabiki was waiting outside the doors of the Kuno house,
an impatient look on her face.

"This is not getting off to a good start," she said.
"You were supposed to be here an hour ago."

"Hey Nabiki lay off, for Ryoga this is _good_."

"Shut up Ranma!"

Nabiki shook her head and got onto the bus. She stopped
by the drivers seat and her eyes widened. "My my, you
_have_ done a great job on the bus! I'm impressed!" She
wandered down the aisle, looking at the wide spaces
between the table and chair seats. "_Very_ nice. Well,
if this job fails you two could always get a job as
renovators."

"Gee thanks," said Ryoga glumly. *Twelve years of
martial arts training and I can recondition a bus. Woo
hoo.*

"It's not going to fail!" asserted Ukyou. "Please, take
a seat."

Nabiki sat opposite Akane and Ranma and began to chat to
her sister quietly.

"Where's the next pick-up?" she asked.

"We have to pick up our reserve driver across town."

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, the pool, on the amount of
time it will take to get there, is open. 1000 yen says two
hours!"

"RANMA!"

***

ONE HOUR LATER

"You lose Ranma." said Nabiki counting her winnings.

"Feh... luck."

Ryoga stopped the bus outside a modest apartment. He looked
at Ukyou. "Do you... ?"

"I'll get him," she said "You just help me load the bags."

"So who is the reserve?" asked Akane. "Anyone we know?"

"Uhhh... "

Ukyou stepped up to the door of the apartment and rang the
bell. Mikado opened it, he looked a little worried.

"Ukyou-san, you're late!"

"Gomen... we had a little trouble finding the place."

"I thought the map I drew was quite specific."

"It wasn't the map we had a problem with."

Mikado sparkled at her. "Never mind, I shall forgive you
for a kiss." He leaned forward, Ukyou ducked and grabbed
one of his bags.

"I hope you have everything you need." she said quickly
stepping away. "Does the uniform fit alright?"

"Yes, were your hands the nimble and skillful ones that
made it?"

"No, but you can thank the person who did make them in a
minute, Konatsu is on board."

"Konatsu, what a pretty name."

Ukyou bit her lip, but said nothing and led him to the bus.
Ryoga put the bags away and they got onto the bus.

"What is _he_ doing here?!"

"Ranma Saotome, we meet again after so long, and the fair
Akane also." Mikado took Akane's hand and made to kiss it.

Ranma slapped his hand away. "Hands off my fiancee!"

"You dare hit me?"

"Yeah, remember what I did to you the last time we met!"

Ryoga raised an eyebrow. "I thought I was the one who totalled
him!"

"Actually I think it was Azusa!" said Akane.

"Please don't mention that psychopath's name!" begged Mikado.

Ranma grabbed Ryoga's arm. "What possessed you to make _him_
the reserve?"

"It wasn't my idea."

"You let Ukyou talk you into this?"

"Hey, she's the one with the monster spatula."

"Good point."

Ukyou took over. "Mikado, this is our sponsor Nabiki Kuno and
this is the one who made our uniforms, Konatsu."

Mikado gazed at Konatsu. "Such a lovely name to go with such a
lovely girl."

Konatsu blinked. "Nani?"

"Uhh... Mikado, Konatsu is..."

"Leave it." whispered Ranma. "It's more fun this way."

"Ummm, ok." Ukyou shrugged. She and Ryoga went back up to
the front and they started off.

"Next pick up?" asked Ryoga.

"In Nippori, North of Ueno, in Tokyo city."

Ranma and Nabiki looked at each other. "Three hours."
challenged Nabiki.

"Five!" countered Ranma.

Akane just sighed.

***

"Is this it?"

"No, baka! This is Ginza!"

"Which way?"

"Ummm... I think you need to go straight ahead."

"You think? Ukyou if you don't know we're doomed!"

"Hey, I haven't been to Tokyo city that often."

"Well I have."

"Yes, Ryoga, we know, you've been _everywhere_."

"Wait! Look, that's Ueno park, we're in the right area, sort
of."

"Wah... I've lost my place on the map!"

"Do you want me to stop and ask for directions?"

"Jackass! WE are supposed to be the guides! I refuse to
embarrass myself by asking for directions! Besides, it never
does you any good."

"Hey, I think we are heading for Asakusa now."

"How do you know?"

"The sign saying 'Asakusa' tipped me off."

"Stop! STOP!!!"

"What now, Ukyou?"

"I'm lost!"

"We _are_ doomed."

"Ok, I've stopped."

"Good, ok, let's see... Ah, I have it now. If you turn
at the next left and go straight we should get there."

"_Should_?"

"Ok, let's go."

"Wow, he went the right way."

"Ranma, I'm not going to put up with you teasing poor Ryoga!"

"Akane, what are you defending that maroon for?"

"You are so childish Ranma!"

"You are so uncute!"

"Children, children, stop it, this is not helping."

"Thank you, Nabiki."

"No problem, Ukyou. Besides, if Ryoga gets to Nippori in the
next fifteen minutes I win my bet."

"AAARGH!"

***

"What's the time?"

"Twenty minutes since you last asked."

"Sempai!"

"Half past 11."

"Man they're late." said Miya. "Maybe we should try calling
again..."

"Wait, what's that?" asked Mitsuru. A bus came down the road.

"About time!" Suka grabbed their packs. "Thanks for waiting
with us guys!"

Shinobu merely nodded from the seat he'd been meditating in
for the last two hours. Mitsuru grinned.

"No problem. Now you have a good trip and don't worry about
your apartment, we'll take good care of it."

"Okay, I wasn't worried before but I am _now_."

"Hey, HEY!" yelled Miya. They turned to see the bus turn
left down a side street. Then back out just as quickly.
You could almost see a sweat drop on it. Suka thought he
could hear a muffled, "Oh NO!" as it continued up the street.
The bus rolled up to them and stopped. The door opened and
a young man stepped out. "Aren't you going to help?" he
asked someone inside. A small spatula bounced off his
forehead. Mitsuru frowned, chasing an errant memory.

"Fine, be that way." The young man bowed to the group waiting.
"Gomen nasai for the delay. Which ones are Miya and Hasukawa?"

"That's us, please call me Suka." said Hasukawa.

"Right Suka-san, Miya-san, my name is Ryoga Hibiki, I am your
driver and guide.

"Ha!" came a voice from the bus.

Ryoga sweatdropped, "Please board the vehicle. Allow me to
take your bags."

"Careful, they're kind of heavy, do you need a hand?" Suka
offered.

"No problem," Ryoga lifted them all up at once. "They're
not really heavy at all."

Shinobu raised an eyebrow. He'd watched Mitsuru, Miya and
Hasukawa _drag_ those bags downstairs in _teams_. Curious.

Miya hugged Mitsuru goodbye and waved at Shinobu. Suka
bowed to both his sempai friends and followed her onto
the bus.

"Have fun Hasukawa!" Mitsuru yelled. Ryoga closed the
baggage compartment and also got onto the bus, reseating
himself in the drivers seat. He pressed a button and the
doors closed. Then the engine started up again and the bus
moved off.

"Bye!" yelled Mitsuru. He lowered his arm. The bus came
around the corner and went past him again.

"BYE!" he yelled, waving harder. The bus came around the
other corner and went past him the other way.

"What the..."

The bus came back and went past him again.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD RYOGA TURN LEFT!!!" screamed a female
voice. "AND HURRY IT UP!"

Shinobu's eyes snapped open and he regarded the bus. A small
female figure was just barely recognisable beside the
driver.

"Hmmmmm..." he said.

***

"Phew!" said Ukyou. "Finally!"

"What the heck was all that about?" asked Ryoga.

"I can't explain. The horror. The terror. The unspeakable
dread!"

"Oh, you know Shinobu and Mitsuru then," said Suka. "I can
understand the reaction." Ukyou shuddered and then got a
hold of herself.

"Welcome aboard Hibiki Mystery Tours," she said. "I am Ukyou
Kuonji your cook and other guide. Word of warning, don't
follow Ryoga anywhere."

"We'd sort of worked that one out," said Mia. "Not much
of a sense of direction huh?"

"That's why it's called Mystery tours," said Ranma.

"Riiiiight. And I thought this would be a nice change for
us, you know, get out into the _normal_ world before we
got married." said Suka.

"Oh, you're engaged?" said Akane. "So are we!"

"Really? How wonderful!" Mia sat next to her. "My name
is Mia..."

Ukyou watched as the new couple got acquainted with Ranma
and Akane. She turned to Ryoga. "Where are we now?"

"Shinagawa."

"You jackass, that's... actually that's where we're
supposed to be." Ukyou looked at him in surprise. "Good
job Ryoga."

Ryoga grunted and kept an eye out for the next pickup.
He pulled the bus neatly up the curved drivethrough of
the New Shinagawa Prince Hotel.

"Well I suppose even million to one chances have to
happen sometimes." observed Ranma.

"Grrrr..." Ryoga got out of the bus and looked around.
*Hmmm... this place seems strangely familiar.*

Ukyou got off behind him and went to greet the young
green-haired woman nervously waiting in the lobby.
"Kiyone-san?"

"Uh yes!" Kiyone jumped up. "Thank goodness you're here,
I probably don't have much time left. She's sure to have
discovered that I didn't go to Shinenome like I said by
now."

"Uh... okay," said Ukyou. "If you'll let me take your
bags we can leave..." she turned around. "As soon as
our jackass driver stops chatting up the staff..."

She showed Kiyone onto the bus, loaded the luggage
and headed over to Ryoga, who was completely surrounded
by young women in hotel livery.

"Hibiki-san! We thought we'd never see you again!" one
of them squealed as Ukyou neared.

"Hello, Mai-san." said Ryoga nervously. "How are you
all doing?"

"We're fine, but we haven't felt nearly as secure as
we used to do when you were running security here.
We were all so worried when you just disappeared like
that!"

"Eh heh, sorry about that." Ryoga apologised. "It was...
unintentional."

"Ryoga... we have a schedule!" said Ukyou. "And we're
already way behind!" she looked at all the young women.
*Jeez, all these girls after him and he stutters like
crazy when he tries to talk to Akane. Pathetic.*

"You mean you haven't come back?" another girl cried out.

"Uh, I'd like to Mina-san," said Ryoga. "But I have
another obligation which I must fulfil first."

The assembled girls sighed. "Awwwwwwww!!!!"

"Sorry, sorry..." Ryoga began to move through them. Ukyou
sighed, grabbed his collar, and dragged him off.

"Who do you think she is Maria-chan?" Mai asked her
friend. "Girlfriend?"

"Could be," said Maria. "Who knew he liked aggressive
types?" They both sighed in longing.

Ukyou had boarded the bus and Ryoga was about to when
a small man ran up to them.

"Hibiki-kun!" he called. Ryoga turned. Uh oh. "Konnichi
wa Mitsubishi-san." he said. "I'd like to apologise for
disappearing on you like that."

Mitsubishi waved this aside, "You told us you couldn't
stay for long. Did you ever find that miscreant who had
stolen your only love?"

"Uhhhh... sort of." Ryoga said.

"Ex_cuse_ me, miscreant? Why that..."

"Shush Ranma."

Mitsubishi bowed briefly and handed Ryoga something.
"We're sorry to see you go and hope to see you again
sometime. You left before we could give you your last
paycheque, so we put half of it into your account as
requested, here is the other half."

"Arigato," said Ryoga. "This is very kind of you."

"After all you did, this is but a small token of..."

Kiyone stuck her head out the door, "Look, I'm sure
this is all very nice and happy but could we _please_
get going?"

"Excuse me," said Ryoga. "Please say goodbye to all
the others for me. And I hope to see you all again
someday."

He boarded the bus and they set off again. Going
down the road, they passed a blonde woman hurrying up
towards the hotel. Kiyone ducked under a table and
stayed there for half an hour before Nabiki coaxed
her into coming out and meeting the rest of the
crew.

***

"Last person," said Ukyou. "We're picking him up from
Yokohama station and then moving on to the boat at the
harbour which will take us to China.

"Right," said Ryoga. "Where's the turnoff for Yokohama?"

"You just went past it you jackass!"

"He hasn't got much of a sense of direction has he?"
said Kiyone.

"Yeah, sorry about this." said Konatsu.

"Oh no, it's _fine_ with me. If _he_ doesn't know
where he's going, then noone else can find us either!"
Kiyone leant back, "I can finally relax!"

"Go back and make the turn!"

"I'm _trying_!"

"You are so useless!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Stop apologising and get us to Yokohama before we end
up in Hiroshima!"

"I'm really really sorry."

"Actually, I've never been to Hiroshima," said Akane.

"Don't encourage him Akane-chan!" Ukyou yelled.

"THERE'S THE TURN!" screamed Mikado.

"TURN!"

"I CAN'T, WE'LL TIP OVER!"

"We WON'T!"

"We WILL!"

"No we... oh, yes we will." Ukyou turned around. "Will
everyone please move to the right hand side of the bus?
NOW!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Yusaku watched as a tour bus took an impossible turn,
going up on one side set of wheels as all the passengers
screamed and pushed at the windows on the opposite side.
With a crash it fell back onto all its wheels and braked
next to him.

"Ohhhhh... please tell me this isn't my bus!"

The door opened, "Yusaku Godai?" panted a young woman.
"I'm Ukyou Kuonji, welcome aboard Hibiki Mystery Tours."

"ARGH!"

***

Ukyou pointed at the harbour they were passing. "Okay,
that's where we're going, I'm sure that won't be _too_
hard for you to get to."

"Yes Ukyou."

"Now just concentrate!"

"_Yes_ Ukyou."

"Pay attention."

"_Yes_ Ukyou!"

"Are you paying attention?"

"YES UKYOU!"

"Hey guys, we just missed the entrance." called Godai.

"Ssssssshhhh..." said everybody else. But it was too late.

"You imbecile! Turn around dummy!"

"I can't turn around here Ukyou, there are road laws you
know!"

"Look, just turn here idiot."

Ryoga stopped the bus. He folded his arms. "Alright, that's
it, I've taken all I can stand." He turned on the
microphone. "Anybody else that wants to make a comment on
my sense of direction can just come up here and say it. The
whole point of this is that it's a mystery! Now, if you'll
all look out the right hand side you'll see Sankei-en Garden.
This lovely park contains a number of historical buildings
that were brought here from other parts of Japan. It is
divided into an inner garden and an outer garden, and it
was laid out back in 1906 by Tomitaro Hara. The cost of
entry is 600 yen for both gardens or 300 just to visit one.
If you'll all now disembark, our lovely guide Ukyou will
tour you through the gardens."

"Oooooh!" said everyone. "Cool!"

Ukyou stared at him. "What? We have to make the boat!"

"They're open tickets Ucchan," said Ryoga. "We can take
any boat this week and they'll still be valid. Now focus,
we are here to run a tour guide. Making all these people
unhappy is not good for business. Now get out and take
them through the gardens before I get angry!"

Ukyou stared at him open-mouthed. "H-hai."

By this time all the other passengers had gotten off,
except for Nabiki, who touched Ukyou's shoulder. "He's
right you know. Have you noticed how everyone is looking
forward to this? This stop was a good idea Hibiki-kun."

Ryoga smiled, "Thanks Nabiki."

"Who knew you had it in you?" she said. "Shall we go
Ukyou?"

"Hai." said Ukyou. "Will you be okay here?"

"Leave Sanzenin behind, he needs to get used to the bus
anyway. And it will give poor Konatsu a break."

Ukyou paused. "Do you think we should tell him?"

Ryoga thought back to the martial-arts skating duel.
The humiliation, the embarrassment, the pain.

"Hell no." he said.

End of part three.

 

Chapter 4

Index