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Nick
Knight
and his Post Life Crisis It's taken two hundred years but this Cop's past is about to catch up with him! "I am what I am, and I don't think Betty Ford takes vampires." -- Nick Knight |
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Nick
Knight
and his Post Life Crisis It's taken two hundred years but this Cop's past is about to catch up with him! "I am what I am, and I don't think Betty Ford takes vampires." -- Nick Knight |
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So on a dark moon less night I hunkered down for what I knew would be a nightmarish orgy of unrelenting carnage! Once the Presidential Debates were over I switched over and watched, " Nick Knight
"
In an unidentified archeological dig scores of workers are sweating in the sun as they unearth a cache of ancient treasures. An excited Alyce Hunter comes into frame, picking up an object and dusting it off carefully. As the camera closes in on her fascinated expression, we see that the object she is holding is an ancient looking cup.
The desert landscape fades into the sweeping visage of LA as the viewer soars through a still nighttime sky slowly approaching a solitary building in the distance. * Geez, LA is eat up with credits! * I can
tell already I'm going to need Dramamine and a "Courtesy" bag for these
freakin' segways!
A lone Night Watchman quietly makes his rounds as we, (the audience), become aware of an menacing presence stalking him. Without warning the intruder swoops down killing the Night Watchman with almost surgical precision. Afterward a clawed hand is seen stealing the "Ceremonial Goblet" discovered previously in the desert. * Not quite sure why the Natural History Museum is featuring a giant blue balloon but Nate sure seems fascinated by it! Maybe it's an artifact of the Hekawei Tribe's "It is Balloon" exhibit ... Har! (Warning - Only funny to F-Troop fans over the age of 40) ... Agarn!. * Nate unknowingly enjoys a last meal of donut and coffee. Sadly he died as he lived ... with grape jelly all over his face! * OMG! Nate's being attacked by a crane shot! Cut! Cut! Ohhh, the humanity! *
Geez, there are 6 cars in the freakin parking lot! Where is everybody?
Now assuming that Nate AND the Yak both drove in ... that still
leaves 4 other people somewhere in this Pottery Barn! My theory? There's
an All Night Krispy Kreme around here somewhere!
Meanwhile in a tanning salon somewhere in LA we meet our Hero, Nick Knight, who seems to be fighting an anxiety attack while lying in a tanning bed. Finally unable to endure it any longer he hits the panic button bringing the attendants to his aid. When they arrive Nick, now sitting on the edge of the tanning bed dismisses the incident altogether. As he leaves the attendants lament that while he is cute, it is also weird that he comes in 3 times a week but never gets a tan.
Nick drives to a local park where he meets up with Jeannie & Topper, two good hearted but down on their luck homeless people he has befriended. He warns them both to be careful until they, (the police), can catch a murderer at large who is preying on the homeless. He is interrupted by a call to report to the Natural History Museum where there has been another murder. Arriving at the museum he finds the investigation in full swing under the watchful eye of irascible Detective Don Schanke, who chides Nick about the his case remaining unsolved. Nick recoils as he views the bloody murder scene but finds a welcome distraction when he meets Dr. Alyce Hunter, the curator of the museum. His obscure knowledge of archeology and specifically the jade ceremonial goblet that was stolen intrigues her. Outside the press gathers and question the police's handling of the case thus far. * Don Schanke - what was it about this guy that screams, "I'm not really a cop"! Is it the fact that he is taking glamour pix of the corpse or is it his scavenging for food at the murder scene? Either way one thing is abundantly clear ... this guy leaves greasy stains in the air when he walks! Blech! * Donuts! More donuts! I'm telling you I was right about the Kripsy Kreme thing! Either that or ... OMG! Somebody check Nate and see if still has his donut! * Nick calls Dr. Hunter, Miss Hunna ... *snort*... "Did I mention I'm Austr-eye-lian?" * Did
Alyce just actually say that she "dug (the goblet) up" herself? Yeah, her
and about 50 underpaid undocumented workers! What a Bourgeoisie Beotch!
Nick and the Captain accompany Nate's body to the morgue where Nick meets up with his friend, Dr. Jack Brittington. We learn that Jack has been helping Nick with his "problem".
Back at the police station Captain Brunetti bows to public pressure and assigns Nick a partner to help him work the case. His new partner, Don Schanke will work the day shift while Nick works exclusively on the night shift. Nick is less then enthusiastic with these developments. * Somebody in LA turn on the freakin lights for the love of Gawd! I don't recall LA being solely lit with art deco neon and fluorescent lights! * We
learn that Nick exclusively works the night shift ... alone. Now this begs
the question how did he actually get through the Police Academy? Night
classes? Correspondence courses? And what exactly does he do when he gets
a subpoena to testify in court during the day? This falls into the Johnny
Carson principle of, "You buy the premise, you buy the joke"! Time to move
on ...
As morning draws neigh Nick returns to his home, a renovated theater where he shields himself from the first rays of morning. We learn that Nick has the companion goblet to the one stolen which he uses to drink blood. At this point there is little doubt that Nick, himself, is a Vampire. * Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Bwahahahah - He's driving the Batmobile! * He
keeps his priceless ceremonial goblet in Tupperware? Marginally better
then a butter dish, but come on! And while we're on the subject lets talk
about animal blood. Nick pours blood into the goblet which he puts
it in his 1989 microwave and nukes it for exactly 3 seconds! I know this
because I timed it. Now being a novice scientist I repeated Nick's recipe
using my microwave safe jade goblet. What did I get ... cold coffee
... not 98.6 degrees, not even tepid! Now maybe HIS jade goblet conducts
heat better then mine cause it's all old and stuff, but to be frank, I
have to assume Nick likes his blood el dente.
Later that day we return to the museum at closing time where Dr. Hunter returns for some after hours research into the stolen goblet. * Another aerial entry to museum ... I can fly.. Look I can fly... I can fl ....*CRASH*! Uhhh… never mind! * 10 cars in the parking lot <-- We'll revisit this later * Have
I mentioned that Nick is not the only one with an eating disorder. Let's
see, we got cheese puffs, chips, cookies, and ice cream plus she keeps
a serving spoon in her desk drawer! Is this irony? No, irony would
be her sucking up Count Chocula with a 6 inch straw.
As the sun sets Nick rouses and prepares for his upcoming shift. He gets a call from Jack reminding him to eat something. Nick tries to eat a hamburger but cannot even begin to tolerate it. * I suppose to point out that he can see himself in the mirror would be moot. I hate it when these movies pick and choose which vampire stuff to keep and which not to keep. Didn't Bram Stoker sorta write the rules on this? * He cooks the hamburger for 2 seconds on both sides. Geez just pick it up and squeeze it into your mouth sponge style why don't ya? * Why
does he have a blender? Ya know for a guy who can't even gag down a half
cooked hamburger this guy has every kitchen gadget in the Sharper Image
catalog!
At the Police Station we find Schanke donating blood before meeting up with Nick. He tells him that even though he will be working the case during the daytime he will be riding with him tonight. * They are having a blood drive in the middle of the squad room? Don't they have a Break Room or something for that sorta thing? * As
if he's not annoying enough Schanke is eating raw garlic. Now why would
he be eating raw garlic? When they shot this movie through the "Plot Device"
forest it didn't miss a tree did it? The only thing that would have completed
this scene is a sign on Schanke's desk reading, "You think the dead don't
come back to life? Be here at quitting time"!
Nick and Schanke go to the morgue where Jack tells them that the Night watchman's murder was different from the others. With this information in hand they set out to pursue the night's leads. Before they can get very far however they are called to the local pool where shots have been fired. * The 59 Cadillac - most trunk space of any car in the past 30 yrs. Clearly Nick has never seen the trunk on the 57 Bodee! * We
learn that Schanke has been married 7 yrs. Now this in itself is scary
enough until you stop and think about what Mrs. Schanke must be like. I
mean she married a man whose name is synonymous with "any substance considered
disgustingly foul or unpleasant".
Arriving at the pool we learn that not only has a crazed gunman has taken a hostage, but fires have broken out throughout the building. Nick enters the fray and confronts the gunman who is briefly overcome by the hostage who escapes. He then shoots Nick multiple times. Nick's limp body falls into the pool only to emerge moments later in his full vampire state. He pursues the gunman and easily overpowers him before disappearing into the night. * Geez Mr. Gunman just shoot him! You told him you would. Quit padding your part! * Alot of tin drums sitting around the pool area! Maybe I am just being cynical to think these were just props for Nick to hide behind. I can't believe that this pool is so nasty that they have to have that much chlorine close at hand at all times. * When
Nick is shot he falls into the pool. While there is no blood, there is
suddenly a swell of jacuzzi-like bubbles ... lesson learned? Rapid machine
gun fire into a vampire gut doesn't kill them, it just makes them gassy!
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