FADE IN: EXT. WOODS – MORNING A YOUNG BOY of no more than ten stands in the woods.  He has a cocked bow in his hands and is just about to release another arrow blindly ahead. As he releases the string, one hand clamps hard on his shoulder, and the other deftly catches the arrow as it shoots from the bow. Gulping, the boy looks up into icy blue eyes. XENA Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to play with weapons?

A rustling in the bushes produces a tall, attractive woman. Dressed immaculately, her blonde hair is perfectly coiffed, and she wears a strand of pearls around her neck. JUNOS Castor!  Where... oh, there you are! Your father and I were worried sick about you!  Oh, and look! You’ve found some friends. Isn’t that nice? (beat) Weardus!  Weardus, come look. I’ve found Castor and he’s made himself new friends! A tall, stern looking man approaches the group, followed by a gangly teen-aged boy. WEARDUS Now Castor, what have I told you about running.... He notices Xena and Gabrielle. WEARDUS (cont’d) Oh. Hello. The teenaged boy comes to a dead stop as he sights Xena and Gabrielle. He draws himself up to his full, inconsiderable height as a broad smile creases his face. WALLIUS (voice cracking) Golly, Castor, you sure can pick ‘em! Weardus turns on his son. WEARDUS Now, Wallius, I’ve warned you about oogling women. WALLIUS Gosh, Dad!  I wasn’t oogling them!  I was just being friendly! GABRIELLE (hesitantly) Um, excuse me? WEARDUS Regardless, I will not have that sort of behavior in my house. Now go to your room. WALLIUS Jeepers, Dad!  We’re in the middle of a forest! I don’t have a room! GABRIELLE (louder) Excuse me!

WEARDUS Wallius.... JUNOS Weardus, don’t you think you’re being a little hard on the boy? After all, it isn’t every day that we have too such.... She carefully looks over Xena and Gabrielle. JUNOS (cont’d) …imposing guests visiting us. WEARDUS Now Junos, I’m responsible for the discipline in this family. And if.... A piercing whistle interrupts the family tiff. The group freezes, looking at Xena through wide eyes. Clearing her throat, Gabrielle puts on her brightest smile and steps forward. GABRIELLE Thanks. (beat) Now, we were just trying to make sure that your son.... She eyes the boy in question. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Castor, is it? Castor nods frantically, still within Xena’s hard grip. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Castor knew not to shoot without knowing what he was shooting at. Red faced, Weardus stalks over to Gabrielle and begins waggling his finger in her face. WEARDUS Now see here, young... lady. I’ll have you know that my son knows exactly... ow! Xena has his finger in a tight grip while still holding onto Castor. XENA Now that’s not very nice. WEARDUS Unhand me, you... you... you... rapscallion! Xena and Gabrielle look at one another. GABRIELLE (mouthing) Rapscallion? Unhanding father and son, Xena pulls the arrow from her bodice and shows it to both of them. XENA This.... She indicates the arrow. XENA (cont’d) ... is not a toy. She whips the arrow into a nearby tree, burying it shaft deep into the trunk. The feathered tail thrums madly with the force of her throw. XENA (cont’d) Got me?

Everyone including Gabrielle, nods. XENA (cont’d) Good. Weardus looks as if to speak, but is stopped by a gentle finger against his lips. GABRIELLE I wouldn’t. His eyes widen. She shakes her head. He nods, reluctantly. XENA Gabrielle. Gabrielle smiles. GABRIELLE We’re… just… gonna head out now.  Nice to have met you all.

As they leave, the family gathers into a tight knot. The boys’ heads are pressed into their parents’ chests, eyes averted as if Xena and Gabrielle will turn them to stone with just a look. Once safely out of sight, a stern voice drifts through the trees. WEARDUS Maybe you two should spend some time at Aphrodite’s temple! Maybe then you’ll learn some manners. GABRIELLE (to Xena) Manners? Aphrodite? XENA Boy, has he got the wrong goddess. Chuckling, Gabrielle casually threads an arm through Xena’s. GABRIELLE Maybe he’s got the right idea, though. Xena looks down at her, eyes wide. XENA Are you saying I don’t have manners? Gabrielle smirks. GABRIELLE Well.... Xena’s eyes narrow. Gabrielle swats lightly at her. GABRIELLE (cont’d) I meant visiting Aphrodite, silly. It’s been a few since we saw her last, and with everything that went on with Ares, I’d like to see how she’s doing. I mean she seemed like her usual Aphrodite self, but.... I just need to know. Xena pretends to think about it. XENA I suppose we could squeeze a visit into our already hectic schedule.

GABRIELLE (smirking) You’re a true princess among warriors. Xena gives a mock curtsey. XENA (blithely) Thank you. I do try. CUT TO: EXT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - DAY From the outside, the temple looks normal. Of medium size, it is made up of white marble and is distinctly feminine, as befits the goddess it honors. A few steps from the entrance, Gabrielle stops dead. Her face is screwed up in an expression of extreme distaste. GABRIELLE What is that smell?!? XENA Don’t look at me. GABRIELLE I’m serious, Xena. It stinks like rotting fish! (beat) No comments from the peanut gallery. XENA Not a word. CUT TO: INT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - DAY Resisting the impulse to hold their noses, both women step into the temple. The interior looks like a cyclone has hit it. Broken statues and furniture litter the floor space. Gifts left for Aphrodite are rotting on the altar, casting a stench that lingers over everything like a pall. GABRIELLE (softly) What happened? XENA Only one way to find out. Aphrodite! A long moment of silence. XENA (cont’d) Aphrodite!! A moment later, Aphrodite pops in with a blast of pink sparkles. APHRODITE (heartily) Well, if it isn’t my favorite girl group! What’s the haps, ladies?

She appears to be moving to a beat only she can hear. Her body sways in constant motion, and her fingers, perched on her hips, constantly drum. GABRIELLE (uncertainly) Are you all right? APHRODITE (laughing) Moi? Absolute perfection, as always. Why wouldn’t I be? Gabrielle exchanges a quick glance with Xena GABRIELLE No reason... I guess. (beat) What’s up with this temple?

Aphrodite looks around. Shrugs. APHRODITE I’m a busy Goddess, Gab. Places to see, people to do. You know how it is. GABRIELLE Aphrodite, I’ve seen you almost come unglued if there’s even a mote of dust on one of your altars. APHRODITE Things change, ya know? Like I said.... GABRIELLE You’re a busy Goddess. APHRODITE Exactly! Speaking of which, how come you called me out of an absolutely rockin’ party, ladies? You guys need help from the loooove goddess, hmm? No troubles in paradise, I hope. Xena rolls her eyes. Gabrielle blushes slightly. Aphrodite smirks. APHRODITE (cont’d) Didn’t think so. So… what’s up? GABRIELLE (offhandedly) Oh, nothing much. We were just, you know, in the area and decided to stop by and see how you were doing. APHRODITE Awww.  That is so sweet! (beat) But you guys don’t have to check up on me. As you can see, I’m groovin’ along, just like always. So... bye-bye now. Hope you have fun on your little adventures! GABRIELLE Aphrodite, wait! APHRODITE Yesssss? GABRIELLE (impulsively) Why don’t you come with us? Xena looks at Gabrielle as if she’s just grown a third head. Even Aphrodite’s eyes go wide with shock.

APHRODITE Excuse me? GABRIELLE Come with us!  Xena says there’s some warlord trouble in the next town over.  We’re heading over there to check it out. Aphrodite looks over at Xena. APHRODITE You been giving her the spiked nutbread again, haven’t you? GABRIELLE I’m serious! APHRODITE Hel-lo little bardling, it’s me… the Goddess of Love? Why would I want to set one gorgeous foot inside a war zone? GABRIELLE I wouldn’t exactly call it a war zone. Besides, you’re still a goddess, right?  If there’s any trouble.... Gabrielle snaps her fingers GABRIELLE (cont’d) You just... poof! APHRODITE Poof? GABRIELLE Poof.  C’mon. It’ll be interesting. APHRODITE Your idea of interesting and my idea of interesting are like totally far apart, Gab. GABRIELLE Yeah, but at least it’ll be something different from all those parties you say you’re having. APHRODITE And that’s a good thing because....? GABRIELLE Please? Gabrielle looks at Aphrodite. Aphrodite looks back at Gabrielle. Xena looks like she wants to kill something. Gabrielle continues to look at Aphrodite. Aphrodite continues to look back at Gabrielle. Finally, Aphrodite sighs. APHRODITE Fine. I’ll go on your little adventure with you, all right? GABRIELLE (beaming) Great! APHRODITE Ok, then, let’s get this show on the road, ladies. I meet with my masseuse in a few hours. Real talented hands, if you know what I mean. GABRIELLE Aphrodite, you can’t come with us in that!

APHRODITE Why’s that? This is sheer perfection! XENA Perfect for starting a riot, maybe. APHRODITE Well, I am the goddess of love, Xena. Love riots are my thing. GABRIELLE Maybe you could try something a little more... sedate? APHRODITE Sedate? Gabrielle nods. Aphrodite frowns. APHRODITE Fine. With a snap of her fingers, she poofs away to return a second later sporting a much more sedate, yet still eye-popping, ensemble.

APHRODITE (cont’d) Better? Xena sighs. XENA It’ll do.

APHRODITE Groovy! So, where’s this town thingie that we’re headed to? Just give me the directions and I’ll pop us right there in a flash! XENA Oh no. No popping. (beat, to Gabrielle) No poofing. (beat, to Aphrodite) Walking. That’s how we get there. Good, old-fashioned walking. APHRODITE Walking?!? Nobody told me about walking when I signed up for this gig of yours. Goddesses don’t walk, Xena. XENA If they want to go anywhere with us, they do. Aphrodite heaves a dramatic sigh. APHRODITE Oh, fine. Lead the way, warrior babe. I can struggle along. (beat) For now. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE