Activities 2004 / 2005

Last years entries

December 26, 2005 ok i just saw my life flash before my eyes...do you ever watch a movie or a play and say...that's me..."She lived hopefully ever after"....Sweet Charity. Rent it. and you will see my life. all i've ever wanted everything smashed. however my recovery has taken alot longer. i'm still getting better. i'm hopeful now. mmmm i wish life was simpler. i get hurt too easy. i'm sick of it. but it will continue to happen to me. doesn't it suck to care too much? Goodnight.

December 21, 2005 yesterday i went down to New Orleans for the first times since the hurricanes. granted we didn't go into the worst hit areas... but what we saw was bad enought. we went uptown...which is a richer area, but it is still a shock to see no place open for miles, 3-4 foot water marks on houses that have been around for decades, spray paint on houses to say if there were any dead or if the house was safe, and just the shock of seeing the reality of it. granted where we were the damage wasn't as bad as i expected. But its stilly pretty darn bad. i miss New Orleans. I miss the feel you get when you go there. the atmosphere, the artistry of it all. there is a vibe that emmits from it that is unmistakable. It will never be the same. after this year, the hurricanes will only get stronger and New Orleans will sink. the government hates us. they don't realize unless we are giving the top protection, not many people will go back. their investments will be crushed again. Not cool. Anyways another side note...apparently guys have to be drunk to hit on me... i'll elbortate on this theory later.

December 18, 2005
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
Till you're torn apart
I thought i was ok, i'm not. i'm mentally not right. Life is not fair. do you know what it is like to have your insides wring out and your heart drop? I know it all too well. I just want to get on with my life but I can't. I go out. I meet people. and I get the same bullshit i get from guys i've dated before, "i can't believe you didn't have a boyfriend" "you must always have guys asking you you." BULLSHIT. not that i want all that attention but why is that there is a price for being good. why is it that the good guys come in last. why is it a curse for loving someone. screw it. i just don't care anymore. i don't. i have to live with it, so i will. SCREW It.

December 12, 2005 I love christmas. i truely do. on christmas everything is right. it seems every year i expect christmas to be something. i have this vision in my head. and during the holiday i'm almost let down, till the next christmas. then i look back at the year before and get excited about the previous year's christmas. last year was a very very good christmas. but i'm not going to think about that. i love shopping for gifts, even though at the same time i hate it cause i'm so picky i can never find EXACTLY what i'm looking for...i love going look at christmas lights... it seems i remember exactly when i felt christmas lost its magic in the moment. I don't remember how old i was but i always and in a way still think Nothing could go wrong on christmas. that for one day the world truely was at peace. then i remember watching the news with my dad on christmas night. i remember hearing of a robbery and a death. i remember not wanting to beleive it because it was christmas. NOTHING bad could happen on christmas. well apparently it can. i mean heck i got dumped 3 days before christmas 2 years ago. but that was 3 days before, and 2 years ago...so who knows what will happen this year...i'm not a fan of christmas eve...at least not for a section of it. i love midnight mass...but i don't like going to my dad's stepaunt's christmas party. its his cousins and i never really feel welcome. and i've never had anyone to go with so i just don't seem to fit in there. i'm lucky if i find a couple of people to chat with. also last year my godparents even forgot about me...wow that makes a person feel great. let me tell you. anyways. enough sulking! i love christmas. i hope this weekend we can put up christmas lights. i love christmas lights. if i directed i would use them in my setting somehow...heck i did on my directing project last semester. anyway i'm just procrastinating from studying so i'll get back to work. also i dont' want to think sad thoughts about the season...i love christmas and merry christmas

December 11, 2005 I wonder if there is someone who can't stop counting the days, a world apart and an ocean away sitting there loving me from a little french cafe. (ok so i ripped that off from marc broussard...oh well...it's a hope...He writes such pretty lyrics...)

December 10, 2005 So i realized, i have a defense mechinism. i hate it. i don't want it but i have it. i'm ok, i'm really ok, i am. However somethings still hurt. for now. only cause there are still things i want to happen, but can't and won't because i won't let them. that's when the defense mechinism comes into play. errr...breath...anyways i'm sorry. also i've been in a reclusive insecure state. i feel nothing i do is right, and i feel some of my friends help with that state of mind....so i need to stay away for awhile...its for me. but i do miss things. miss people and miss the past.

So anyways finals this coming week AHHH!!!STREEESSSSS....and Procrastination. i also got a call back for a show...ah we'll see...my motto WHATEVER! also i'm still looking for a date...ha! like that'll happen. WHATEVER!! haha

November 21, 2005 I need a date. I do. Anyone interested? I'm taking applications. However i will say not all of them will be accepted. I want someone who will love me. Really love me. i don't want to have to always worry if i'm doing the right thing, or if i should be sorry for being upset. i want someone to take me out. and bring me flowers once in a while for no reason. gosh i really don't feel i'm a complicated person, or that i'm a terrible gf for wanting a little attention. i don't ask to be taken out all the time, i just ask for a little attention. i want somone who appreicates me, who doesn't just realize but puts it into action. I want a man. I don't want a selfish boy that i have to take care of. I want a man someone who can take care of me and i can take care of them in return. I want a man who keeps his promises, i remember a lot of stuff. I want a man that doesn't have to prove his manhood. yes you have a penis get over it. I want a man who loves kids and wants a family. I need a date. and thats all i'll write for now. i'm just sick of a lot of things and need to get other things out of my head. There really isn't anything that can help. I've done all i can. goodnight.

November 15, 2005 I've been thinking a lot about NYC lately, not about the bad part of the trip, but the good part. It's really a different world. I will go back one day. I've also gotten into watching Law and Order. It all started with SVU, but i'll watch the others on occasion. And I see places I reconize and I get really excited. For example, tonight as I was watching Law and Order, they go into a small funky wig shop and it reminds me of one we passed up early early one morning when we were coming out of penn station (due to my breathing problem I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before...I was not a happy camper, but none the less I tried not to let it spoil my time). ANYWAY my mind wondered and it reminded me of a pet shop we passed by and it was so perfect! It was the doggie in the window store. It made me miss my dog (that and everytime I saw a dog on the street I would say "OHHHHHH doggie doggie doggie!" it provided some entertainment for my friends jess and david). But even music I'd heard over and over before takes on a whole new meaning. I've been listening to RENT like crazy! Not just because the move is coming out, but because the music is fantastic and I have this whole new view and feel of the play. It sends a jolt of excitment through me and I can't wait to see the movie just to be a step closer to that feeling you get in NYC. I'm glad I had my friends there with me. Even though I did spend a lot of time wishing I was with Blake, I'm glad I wasn't the majority of the time. Mainly because now I have a lot of great memories that I don't have to associate him being a part of. Granted I'm really fine about the whole situation, now. But I did have 2 great friends with me and one Fabulous friend that let us stay with him, which I still have to buy him a thank you gift (*put on to do list*). I'm also glad that there were times I felt like I was exploring all on my own, there were times I would get frustrated and try to distance myself and found there were things I might not have seen. Even though we were there for 5 days I feel I didn't see enough. I don't think you could even see enough NYC in one vacation. I'm sure even the people that live there will tell you there is always something new. I felt the same way in Chicago. Which leads to a diffent story about me Google earthing it and talking to my friend sidney (*who right now is a seminarian up there*) and relaying my excitment of re-seeing the places we explored (*especially jess and I going off on our own to search for a hott dress for me for a dance*). I'll go back one day. Heck we're even talking about moving to C-town, as I like to refer to it as. but I will go back.

October 8, 2005 So I've determined it's probably good i don't have a boyfriend right now, and i have also come to terms with things wrong with me. so right now i'm really stressed out. First off i have NO CLUE what i want to do with my life. I truly suck at certian things. OH yeah also at the moment and really a good bit of the time i truely don't think i have good self esteem. I guess its because i've never felt like i was good enough. and still don't feel that way. I just don't know what i'm suppose to do anymore. i feel so inadaquite. i beat myself up about certian things and i always seem to put myself in the worst place. in fact even if i really didn't do anything wrong, it always feels that i did i guess becasue i feel i'm not good enough. So i think that is why i'm glad i don't have a boyfriend. i do get jealous, and i like attention. i love myself,i do. but i never feel like i'm good enough. I just don't want them to feel bad about things. one of the guys i dated whenever i was upset about something particuarlly pertaining to him, i'd always feel bad about being upset and end up appologizing. even if it wasn't my fault. but it was my fault. I'm always told i'm so beautiful i just don't know it. i've never known it. i've never seen it, i guess because there are alot of things that make up that. i don't know if any of this is making sense. but yeah so there are my masochistic notes for the day. i guess i should use this for my character...i was almost type cast i guess.

October 1, 2005 I don't want to hurt anymore. I like writing on here because it is safe. he would never read this. I don't even know if he cared to. It kills me inside to know the person you love suffers. my insides are torn. I had a dream last night. in my dream i went up and just said, "honey, do you want to talk?" and i hugged him and we both collapsed crying. I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt more. I don't want to get caught up in a trap again. and i can't go on. everything reminds me of us and how we were. and i'm tired. 2 months and i'm still in pain. and at this point i don't have many people i can really talk to because i don't want sympathay. i don't want to hear "God has a plan" i don't want to hear "get over it", because i can't. at least not now. I hear about him all the time. everyday. i can't escape it. today i heard he asked about me and it broke my heart. i understand that he had reasons or whatnot and even though i don't understand them, in his mind they are just. but i want him none the less. i want to stay on the phone for 3 hours talking about nothing. i want to say goodbye 10 times and still not leave. i want to pout so i get him to stay 5 minutes longer. and i want him to come after me when i get upset. I miss the way he use to hold my hand and kiss it, and how we cried together. i even miss the pain when i was upset at him. How stupid am i? I know he will never read this. but i have to get it out. and don't worry i'm not suicidal or anything. thats just not me. if he does read this, i miss you. talk to me. i just have to keep singing this to myself. "Without you The ground thaws The rain falls The grass grows Without you/ The seeds root/ The flowers bloom/ The children play// The stars gleam/ The poets dream/ The eagles fly/ Without you// The earth turns/ The sun burns/ But I die/ Without you// Without you/ The breeze warms/ The girl smiles/ The cloud moves// Without you/ The tides change/ The boys run/ The oceans crash// The crowds roar/ The days soar/ The babies cry/ Without you// The moon glows/ The river flows/ But I die/ Without you//" (RENT) There so for those of you who do read this i'm sorry if i haven't been upbeat, or responsive or much of anything really lately. i hope this explains most of it.

Septemeber 7, 2005 So will 2005 be the year that rebecca dissapears? Good question. For the past month... that is all i have wanted to do. Dissappear into self depression. I went from being on top of the world to the pits of a sand dune that is slowly being filled in. i can safely say that the worst feeling in the world is defininly having your heart ripped out your chest trampled on then plunged a knife into then having it twisted.....yes that is by far the worst feeling. i don't think i have anyone any more...i'm going to dissappear. if anyone reads this. email me.

August 12, 2004 "why can't we be friends?"...Drama is the one word to sum up this entire summer. there has been so much of it i can't even begin to tell how or when it all started. you would think that with a handful of people in town that we would all get to know each other pretty well and everyone would be having fun. but no everyone has some problem with something. i mean sometimes i feel i shouldn't even go near a certian person because ohhh i'm sooo scared someone might think something and find a reason to have a problem with me. have we regressed into high school?! oh no freud was right!! not only that but just all sorts of stuff going on at church. however i have come to the main conclusion about that- we have lost so much site about what we are really there for, that we are letting all the petty things get in our way. we have lost our focus on God. i hear all sorts of stuff like oh i don't like how fr. such and such does this or we shouldn't be standing by the alter during the consicration or i don't like the people that go there. that is a load of crud. because when it comes down to it, WHY DO YOU REALLY GO TO MASS?!?!?! is is for the people? is it for the priest? is it so that you can say you followed the catechism down to the last letter of cannon law? OR is so you can recieve Jesus Christ in the most holy scarament? in his purest form!! THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO MASS!!! i think all the clearity is coming to me because i have fought most of this year a spiritual battle within me and i think i have finally through prayer worked my way so that the Lord is winning constantly in my heart and soul. also there is a certian extremest group at church (not mentioning any titals) but they are the ones that follow cannon law to a tee along with other things (plus they have a pa on their website about how they are not a cult). and granted yes cannon law is great and it is ment to be followed but some of their thoughts range more on if you aren't one of us your sinning. and i'm sorry but the only passage that comes to mind is Matt. 23 when Jesus denounces the scribes and pharasies. they are so caught up in living the life of someone in high rank in the church that they can't see that it is only hindering their life with God. if you spend so much time worring about how others are doing things wrong you are judging them and not looking at yourself and your life with God. also judging them is never your place to do so, that is God's place and we will all be judged in the end. i try to be the best catholic i can be, and i'm sorry if i can't make it to mass every day or if i don't go to adoration once a week. i would love to make daily mass and i like adoration every once in a while but i would rather just talk to Jesus every day and yeah pass by to say hi. but just because i don't do that does that make me a bad catholic? i really don't think so. ha but anyways i've been rambling on too much for now i'll ramble again soon.

February 8, 2004 out with the old and in with the new....that is the new years motto....well my old deffinatly booted me out before the new....but my old mindset still hurts with the old...anyways my new is looking bright and clear...and there are a few intrest but i'll leave that all up to God....anyways so school has began and hurt has set in and out....haha both physically and mentally...ha and emotionally....i'm sick right now so i'm using that as my excuse for being vague...but if you know me well enough...haha! you can figure it out on your own....anyways it is 12:20 am and i just had to get that out my head....i have an 8:30 class tomorrow morning so goodnight!

January 9, 2004 ok ok ok i know i haven't written and i know i write that a lot but when i have a boyfriend i tend not to...well not to worry about that anymore...so i may be writting more. it is back to the life of watching movies alone, staying home on a saturday night. yeah but thats kool and all i've gotten into making jewelry and rosaries....so if you want to order something i'll be having pictures up soon! so email me! my specialty is a LSU rosary that has gold wire, purple beads and tiger eye our father beads($30). anyways i'm working on a rosary right now...i'll be putting up more game day pictures soon...i didn't go to the sugar bowl but i have other game pics. anyways keep an eye out more stuff coming soon!

January 4, 2004 LSU WON THE SUGAR BOWL 21-14! NATIONAL CHAMPIONS BABY!!! THEY KICKED SOME SOONER BUTT! HOW YOU LIKE THAT STOOPS?!?!??!

ok i know you haven't gotten this far! copyright beccasgalaxy 00-03