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Do any of us know what we really need?
It is usually quite different from what we think we want. |
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I used to think that my attraction to men was just my longing for a father, the father that I never really had. When my father did live with us he was abusive, physically and mentally. I figured that I just longed for a normal affectionate male figure. Now that I have had a few years of experiance, having been married to a woman that I truely love and trying to live out what is considered a normal life, I know that homosexual feelings are in many ways the same as heterosexual feelings. |
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What is sex anyway? Is it something that we need? |
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Everyone probably would answer with a resounding YES! and I agree, but for different reasons now, than in my youth. Sex bonds you with a person. It makes a relationship special and draws persons closer together. This is what I need above the physical thrill of orgasm. The relationship with one person. Security in a relationship that promises to be there for you to help you fill your remaining years. |
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So do I also believe in the Tooth Fairy? |
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I know nothing is that simple. Security is fleeting and people are too complex to fit together perfectly. But hey, WE HAVE TO DREAM ! Without a good dream for the future what has any of us got? |
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Why do we insist on our way or nothing? |
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This is a drawing of what I consider
the perfect guy.
What is really heartbreaking is I know this guy. I drew this from memory but everyone that knows him recognizes this drawing as (let's say) "Jack". Jack is gay. We get along reasonably well (I'm willing to overlook his moods). But Jack and I will never be close. He cannot be intimate. He cannot show affection openly. He will not, cannot say
"I love you" because he is so afraid of losing people that if he never says "I love you", then he reasons that when that someone leaves, well, he never loved him anyway.
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Seriously, his physical appearance matters little after the first couple of months anyway. You become so used to his face that he could look like a Labrador Retriever and you really wouldn't care. In this case it is true about love being blind. All that really matters is his affection for you, his kindness, thoughtfulness and his support. Jack would say that this is being overly dependant. I think it's basic human need. |
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Just for fun and also to show you how warped my taste in men is, I have made a list of the celebraties that I find attractive.
Click HERE to go to my manlist.
Click HERE to go to my Laurel and Hardy Page |
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As I surf the net and read what other's are looking for in a mate, it becomes obvious to me that no two people expect exactly the same things. Here are some that are basic and I think everyone agrees on..
1. Loyalty
2. Affection.
3. Truthfulness.
I will add more as I ponder these things in light of recent personal developements. At this point in my gay life I am wondering if a happy relationship is even possible.
So far it seems that when I am interested in someone, I want things to move faster than the other guy. I sacrifice more than I should and the relationship becomes one sided and unbalanced to the point that I get screwed. After butting my head against a brick wall for seven years I finally got it through my thick head that the guy just didn't want what I wanted. I have adopted a new attitude, even if it is artificially induced, that if he wants me, he has to come get me. At least take a step or two in my direction. Even after the initial meeting, he has to meet me half way and call ME some of the time.
AUGUST, 2002 UPDATE:
I MET THE GUY FOR ME! No one else need apply Everything makes sense now! |
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On to the art gallery |
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Friends from the Net |
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My page of Links |
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rexaustin@hotmail.com |
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Back to the contents page |
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