Unattainable by bcfan

Unattainable

AUTHOR: bcfan
FEEDBACK: bcfan@shaw.ca
SPOILERS: Fallen Angel, Max
RATING: UST, other
SUMMARY: When does admiration turn to love?

When does admiration turn to love? When does desire change from being slowly banked to burning from the inside out? My dreams of being held in Mulder's arms came to pass one perfect fall day in 1994 and yet, three years later, nothing has turned out as expected.

It began as these things do, unplanned and unanticipated. I was sitting slumped on a hard cot. Imprisoned behind chain link, I barely managed to look up when another truth seeker was forced into the next cell. When I did - I was shocked and delighted. Mulder had been my hero for years. To have him sitting so tantalizingly close! I covered my amazement by asking about his work. We made our first connection and I think it went well. Mulder was so beautiful, his passion burned so brightly, that I wanted to learn all I could about him. This man was already so special to me.

The next day Mulder and his partner discovered me in a very undignified position, my ass hanging out of his bathroom window. Undignified, but I wonder - was I being Freudian? I know how I felt. Take me Mulder, I wanted to beg, I'm exposing myself to you.

I daydream about our brief contact as a series of brilliant slides illuminated on my inner screen. I treasure these images, but there is a favourite. It's the image of Mulder tenderly hugging me, then helping me from the floor to my bed. I was too exhausted to speak, but the sensory memories are with me still. His spicy scent, his gentle touch as he brushed hair from my eyes. His firm grip as he lifted and settled me. The sound of concern in his voice.

Is desire wrong if it can never be returned?

So here I sit on Flight 549, traveling to Mulder once more. I have his treasured business card in my left coat pocket, the anguish of yearning subsumed in my great quest. I'm carrying something so big, so amazing, that I know I will engage Mulder's intellectual passion if nothing else.

It's the best I can hope for.