Narrator: Hello and welcome to another action packed Buffy episode… On today’s show we ask the question ‘where the hell is Giles?’
Scene cuts to Giles in the woods burying something.
Giles: I told you not to fuck with me…. But no you have to show me up well now you’ll never show anyone up ever again.
Giles spots the camera.
Giles: what the fuck is this? Do you people have no respect turn that thing off this is a private moment.
Narrator: That and much, much more.
Theme Tune
Scene enters on Buffy and Angel walking hand in hand down the stairs.
Xander: Buffy, Giles is gone.
Buffy: What but I’m not dead at the moment.
Willow: I know something really bad must have happened.
Spike: yeah last time I saw him he was doing his crossword puzzle.
The gang look puzzled.
Angel: Hey where’s Wes and Gunn.
Spike: oh they went to start on Bessie.
Angel: Good idea the quicker we kill Bessie the quicker we kill Riley.
Riley: I love you Bessie (sob) kisses photo of the cow.
Buffy: We gotta find Giles.
Willow/Xander: Yeah.
Angel: Well I’m off to kill Riley’s parents.
Buffy: OK have Fun.
Fade out.
Scene enters on Wes and Gunn charging Bessie.
Bessie: Moooo
Gunn: I’ll give you Moo (pulls out his trusted shotgun and riddles the defenceless cow with bullets.
Wes: Yeah…Thats what you get!!
Gunn: I got you, you stupid punk now I’m gonna kill all your cow friends and make burgers out of ‘em. ( starts drooling)
Wes: Gunn snap out of it lets do what we came here for.
Gunn: you’re right.
Both men pull out chain-saws and walk over to the barely alive cow.
Gunn: Lets mince this thing.
Wes: We’ll send him the eyes first then the ears then the Heart.
Camera begins too fade out just as the men start up their chain-saws.
Fade in.
Knock….KnocK.
Miss: Cardboard: Hi can I help you?
Angel: Yeah I’m a friend of Riley’s I was in the neighbourhood and he wanted me to stop by and see how you taste… I mean are.
Miss cardboard: come in.
Angel: thank you I will.
Angel vamps out and Bites miss cardboard the sweet nectar of human blood sliding down his throat.
Angel: mmmummmum farm fresh.
Cut to Buffy/Xander/Willow in woods.
Buffy: Giles! Giles!
Xander: Nothing.
Willow: This is hopeless.
Buffy: (Muttering to herself) Please be OK Giles.
Only a few feet away behind a bush.
Giles: You stupid….stupid man now how are you going to finish the crossword.
Gets down on his knees.
Giles: NOOOOOOO!!
Buffy: Giles (Runs over to him)
Giles: I’ve done something terrible.
Xander: what?
Willow: Oh boy ( noticing the shovel and mound of earth.)
Giles: I buried my crossword puzzle.
Buffy: How could you. You evil…,evil man.
Xander: I used to look up to you, but now.
Giles: I know I need help.
Willow: Group hug.
Everyone hugs.
Fade out.
Knock…Knock.
The door opens and we see a delivery man holding a package.
DM: Package for Riley.
Riley: Me?
The package is thrown at Riley causing him to burst into tears again.
Audience member: oh would you just kill him already.
Rob/Me: All in time.
Riley: I don’t want to die.
Rob/Me: It’s my show now and you’ll die when I tell you to just like Bessie.
Riley: Bessie!!! (Opens package). You’re all dead!!,
Audience: HAHAHA.
Riley: You’ll see my mom will make me a superhero outfit.
Angel enters the house.
Angel; Riley I just eat you Mother.
Audience: Angel! Angel!
Spike: that’ll teach her to give birth to a pussy like him.
Riley: No somebody kill me.
Spike: would but chip.
And cut.
Spike; Hey we’ve still got 5 minutes left.
Rob/Me: Look I got other plans.
Spike: This is my job… Don’t make me hurt you with my evil stare.
Rob/me: Sorry guys shows over.
Theme Tune.
Narrator: Next episode on Buffy we find out if Riley will finally die and If Xander and Willow can keep Giles out of suicidal depression after his crossword incident.
To find out tune in next time.
Mutant enemy zombie: Shit what’s my line
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