Into The Darkness
by Anna
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything. Trust me, if I did we would have never heard of Riley "Fish Boy" Finn, and Buffy and Angel would be married in Hawaii at the moment.
Rating: R, I suppose. It deals with death and what not.
Author's Note: Ok, so this is my first fanfic. Well, the first one that I actually felt was semi-good enough to submit. So feedback would be extremely appreciated ok? It'd mean the world to me )
I felt it the moment it happened. The second the flames had hit his body, I knew. And nothing would ever be okay again. I could feel the eerie calm wash over him as he saw the fire start at his feet, and burn a path up his clothes. I could smell the burning wood of the warehouse as it crumpled and cracked, assuring that no one would get out alive. I heard him whisper “I love you” as his gorgeous body burst into dust, his soul leaving it for the last time. After 242 years, that was how it ended. And I felt every single second of it, lying on my bed in the darkness.
It had been two years since he had walked out of my life, and the connection was as strong as ever. Things like that just don’t fade. So I sit here, waiting in the darkness, curled up into a ball crying my soul out. Waiting for what? I’m not sure. For him. For my own death. How long can a person live with half of their soul missing? With their heart gone forever? It can’t be long.
Cordelia should be calling soon. It only happened an hour ago…I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she could feel it too. I wouldn’t wish that on her. She shouldn’t have to feel that. I’m glad I did, though. It’s fitting that I was there with him when he died, even if my body was two hours away. I choked back another heart wrenching sob. He was gone. My Angel was gone forever. No, nothing would ever be okay again.
I hear the door click open as a shaft of light enters my dorm room. God, no.. not now. Please, please just go away…
“Buffy?” Riley. No, no he shouldn’t be here. He needed to go away. My Angel, my beautiful Angel’s gone. I can’t be with Riley right now. I can never be with Riley again.
He flips on the light, I suppose trying to see if I’m in here. God, couldn’t he sense me? Angel could always sense me. Angel… I start crying uncontrollably again. It’s like my soul, my heart, my existence is pouring out of me in the form of tears. There’s no other way I can describe it. Angel was the only man I could ever love. And now he was gone. Forever. At least before, I knew he would make his way back to me. It was impossible for us to be away from each other for that long. Our souls cried. I could always feel him when he came back. When he would come and watch my dorm, making sure I was safe. Now I wouldn’t even have that. I couldn’t see the point of living anymore.
“Oh God, Buffy? Baby? Are you ok?” Was he still here? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? I hear his heavy footsteps fall across the wood flooring as he hurls himself towards my bed, trying to cradle me in his arms, whispering soothing murmurs into my ear. No. No! This wasn’t right. Why was he doing this? Couldn’t he see that my soul is in a million shattered pieces on the floor? Couldn’t he tell that he couldn’t help me? No one can help me.
I feel myself fight against his strong arms, breaking away from his embrace. He shouldn’t be holding me. He should have never held me. Ever. I suddenly feel extremely dirty.
Why did I ever let Angel leave me? I could have saved him tonight. If I would have had more faith in our love, if I wouldn’t have stopped trying to get Angel back, if I would have went down to LA, Angel would still be alive. It was my fault he was dead. Completely my fault.
Riley’s fighting me back, trying to squeeze me in a hug as hard as he can, laying kisses on my hair, telling me it was going to be all right. I hear myself scream in protest, sobbing, telling him to leave me alone. To get out.
“Buffy, was it something I did? God, baby, what did I do? How can I fix this?” He stops trying to hug me again, and when I look up I see he has tears running down his face. He thinks he did this to me? That makes me cry even harder. How could I ever let myself get this close to another man? Close enough to make him think that he had enough power over me to make me act this way. I’m so sorry, Angel. So sorry…
I turn so that I was facing away from him, curled in the fetal position, crying more tears than I knew I had.
The phone’s ringing. I can hear the shrill sound faintly from somewhere on the other side of the room. Is that Cordelia? It has to be. I’m dreading this moment. I knew she’d call. I don’t make a move to get the phone. I feel Riley’s weight leave the bed as he goes to pick it up. Panicking, I reach over and grab his arm, my eyes pleading with him to just let it ring. He does. I turn back over, assuming the former position, and wait. The tears are still flowing freely down my face, but my cries automatically quiet as I hear the answering machine pick up. God, Cordelia, please, please don’t say it. I can’t handle that right now. Please don’t make it any more real than it is. Her voice suddenly broke through the quiet, and I cringe.
“Buffy..” She’s crying. Oh God, Cordelia…not now, please not now... I let out a low whimper.
“It’s Cordelia.” I could tell she’s debating whether or not to tell me.
“Angel…” she trails off. Don’t say it Cordelia, please don’t say it. Not now.
“He was trying to save this girl from a demon, and..”
I’m about to scream. About to rip the answering machine out of the wall. Don’t say it Cordy. Please. I closed my eyes shut, praying to God that I won’t have to hear those words coming out of her mouth.
“Look, Buffy, why don’t you just call me when you get a chance ok? I love you.” I hear her muffled sobs as her phone clicks off.
I open my eyes again and stare at the open door in front of my bed. I need to be alone right now. I need to be alone forever. I need Angel.
I hear more footsteps. No, please, just leave me alone. Willow just walked through the door. I look up at her, and she knows. I can see the realization wash over her face as her eyes fill with tears. I see her look over and see Riley’s bewildered, tear stained face kneeling by the bed. I hear her speak.
“Riley, get out.” He gets up shakily, and walks out of the room. Thank you Willow, thank you so much. I squeezed my eyes shut again as my chest heaved from all the tears that were leaking out the corners of my eyes. Please leave me alone. Just leave. I shake silently as she presses a kiss against my forehead and walks out of the room, shutting the door and switching off the light. Thank you Willow. Thank you so much.
I’m lying in the darkness again, completely still. There are no more tears to cry. I love you Angel, I love you so much. And I waited. He would come soon. Come and take me away. I could feel it, I could sense it. And I welcomed it.
The End
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