We are in a village filled with mud and pestilence. Wretches hide from the cart driver who is collecting the dead.
Cart Driver: Bring out your dead!
One of the bodies from the pile in the cart slowly moves. It is an old bearded peasant. He faces you. He collects what little energy he has left and with a hoarse voice he says...
Peasant: It's...
A Witch! A Witch! (The Tale of King Arthur and Sir Bedevere)
Narrator: The search for the Holy Grail continues as King Arthur and Sir Bedevere (after missing all the Amazons and the beautifully choreographed sword fighting sequence from the second installment “The Island of Bones”) enter a small village were an excited crowd of peasants has just captured two witches.
All: Witches! Witches! Burn them!
Arthur: Bring them forward!
First Villager: Who are you?
Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
First Villager: May we burn these witches, sir?
Bedevere: But how do you know they are witches?
First Villager: They’ve got warts!
Arthur: Sir Bedevere we’ve been through this situation once before. I believe it would be best if we just tell them to fetch the large scales. We are in haste, you know.
Bedevere: Right, right. (clears throat, to peasants) In order to find out if these two women are witches, we need two large scales and a duck.
First Villager: I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir.
Arthur: What? Why not?
Second Villager: We haven’t got scales.
Third Villager: And no ducks.
First Villager: The large scales burned down and our only duck, Muffin, ran away just this morning.
Arthur: Then I am afraid these two poor women are helpless.
Bedevere: I have an idea, my Liege (to peasants) Tell me, what powers do witches have?
First Villager: They can grow warts on their chins!
Second Villager: They can turn people into newts! (off everyone’s looks, defensive) Well, that’s what my cousin told me.
Nobody can think off anything to add.
Third Villager: They can fly!
Bedevere: Exactly. And with what do witches fly?
The villagers ponder and scratch their heads. Then...
All: A broom... a broom!
First Villager: Fetch the brooms!
Moments later the mob took the witches, who were mounted each on a broom, to the edge of a cliff.
All: Witches! Witches!
Old Witch: I’m not a witch! She’s the witch!
Young Witch: Oh, shut up! She’s the witch, not me. She’s old and ugly. Make her jump first.
First Villager: Which one do we pick first?
Second Villager: I don’t know.
All: Get on with it!
The villagers push the Old Witch off the cliff. There is a moment of silence until...
Old Witch: Ooooh...! *splat*
First Villager: Okay, she’s not a witch.
All: Right... yeah...
The villagers grab the Young Witch.
All: A witch! A witch!
The villagers then push the Young Witch off the cliff. Many pants are soiled as the witch sways her broom and flies.
Young Witch: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Second Villager: You filthy witch!
Angry, the witch raises her hand and a deafening blast is heard. As the smoke clears, everyone can see that the villager has been turned into a newt.
First Villager: Well, what do ya know? The poor bugger was right.
Arthur: Run away! Run away!
As they run another explosion stops them in their path and the witch appears before them.
Arthur: Run a--- Alright, we’ll stay here.
Young Witch: I shall turn you all into newts!
The villagers plead for her mercy.
Arthur: Stop! You shall do no such thing...ma’am...
Young Witch: What is your name, brave Sir Knight?
Arthur: I am Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the Castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons and sovereign of all England!
Young Witch: That’s really long, isn’t it? Can I call you Art?
Arthur: No!
Young Witch: Fine.
Arthur: Please don’t turn us into newts!
Young Witch: All right, I shall turn you into a newt if you do not appease me!
Arthur: What do you want?
Young Witch: You must defeat the monster who lives... in the forest of Clitoris!
Everybody is silent.
Arthur: Um... the what? Pardon?
Young Witch: It’s not a very good name, is it?
Arthur: Nevermind that. Sir Bedevere and I shall defeat this monster that lives in the forest of Clitoris.
Arthur and Bedevere sit on a rock nearby. They look down, wondering how to defeat the monster. They look up and find themselves inside the hut of the Old Man.
Bedevere: It’s the old man from scene 24!
Old Man: Hee hee hee...
Arthur: Old man--
Old Man: You seek to destroy the monster of Clitoris. You shall find three warriors and these warriors will help you defeat it.
Arthur: Where do we find these warriors?
Old Man: Go west into the Canyon of a Thousand Deaths. There you shall find the first warrior. Then go north beyond the Tree of Everlasting Pain to find the second warrior. Then go west and in the Lake of Flying Limbs you will find the third warrior. Then go south to enter the Forest of Clitoris.
Arthur: But how are we going to kill this monster?
Old Man: Hee hee hee.
Arthur and Bedevere suddenly appear on a field.
Arthur: Sir Bedevere, it is now time to find these five--
Bedevere: Three, sir.
Arthur: --three warriors.
Narrator: And so King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, along with their servants, began their quest to find the three warriors who would aid them in the defeat of the terrible monster of Clitoris. First they went west to the Canyon of a Thousand Deaths. There they found the first warrior and there was much rejoicing.
All: Yay!
Narrator: But he choked on a peanut and died. Arthur and Bedevere continued their journey to the north and near the Tree of Everlasting Pain, they found the second warrior and there was much rejoicing
All: Yay!
Narrator: But he choked on a peanut, then fell of a cliff and died. Arthur and Bedevere headed west to the Lake of Flying Limbs and found the third warrior. The third warrior choked on a peanut, spit it out and survived. And there was much rejoicing.
All: Yay!
Narrator: This third warrior was Arthur’s one and only hope to defeat the horrible monster. He was a legend, known through out the land as the bravest of them all. The three men began their way to the Forest of Clitoris to an almost certain death.
The third warrior is tall, strong, dressed in fur and a headpiece that has two horns. His weapon is an ax.
Warrior: I am the bravest warrior in all the world! I... am... Melvin!
Arthur: Well, uh... Melvin, we are near the forest. We must keep our eyes peeled.
Melvin: Are you afraid? Huh? Are you? Well, I’m not! I know no fear! There is no monster which I cannot slay. There is no creature capable of defeating me! My mighty ax has killed many, many, many nasty, filthy beasts that roam through this land. This monster you brave knights speak of shall bow to me!
Music starts for the Warrior to begin his Mighty Warrior Song.
Arthur: Stop it, stop it. There is no time for singing! Look!
Bedevere: Oooooh! It’s the monster!
Warrior: Charge!
Arthur and Bedevere stay behind.
Arthur: Look at that, Sir Bedevere. We are truly witnesses of an incredible feat. See how the might warrior, Melvin, uses his ax against this unholy creature. His powerful blows, the torrential wave of strikes! He is the mightiest warrior of them all.
Bedevere: He ate him!
Arthur: What?
Bedevere: The monster ate him!
Arthur: Oh, bloody hell.
Bedevere: 'Run away', sir?
Arthur: Run away! Run away!
In his haste, Arthur bumps against Patsy and he drops his coconut halves.
Arthur: My horse! I’ve got no chance to outrun the monster now. I fear this is the end of our quest. We shall never find the Holy Grail. Run away, Sir Bedevere. Save yourself!
Bedevere: I’m afraid my servant dropped his coconut halves as well. It’s been an honor to serve you, my Liege.
Narrator: In that precise moment, the terrible monster of Clitoris charged toward the Brave knights. But he slipped on a coconut half, fell down, broke his neck and died. So Arthur and Bedevere returned to the witch...
Young Witch: I am appeased. You have defeated the monster. But now you must kill the Beast who lives in the Swamp of Scrotum.
Arthur: We shall do no such thing. You told us to kill the stupid monster and we did. Now leave us alone!
Young Witch: Very well then. I shall now turn you into NEWTS!
The young witch raises her hand ready to strike the knights.
Bedevere: (points to the sky) Cow! Cow!
Arthur: You mean ‘look out, look out!’.
Bedevere: Cow!
Arthur: What? (looks up)Run away!
A cow falls on the witch’s head and kills her.
Arthur: Who is this brave soul who has saved us in such a unique way in this our most desperate time?
Second Villager: It is I, sir.
Bedevere: But weren’t you turned into a newt?
Second Villager: I got better.
Arthur: Let’s leave all this nonsense and continue on our quest to seek the Holy Grail.
King Arthur and Sir Bedevere walk away. Two European swallows fly by carrying coconuts. These fall and break. The servants pick up the coconut halves and Arthur and Bedevere are on horse once again.
And the Quest for the Holy Grail continues...
* * *
Cart Driver: Bring out your dead!
A man approaches the cart.
Man: (points)That man's not dead! Look, he's feeling much better!
The poor bearded old man steps out of the cart and runs away into the distance.