Turnee's "Shit More, Eat Less" Diet

So, fat cunt are you?  Need to loose weight quick fast in a hurry?  Tried all other diets and slimming fads and only succeeded in ballooning further?

Well you haven't tried Turnee's "Shit More, Eat Less Diet", guaranteed to provide you fat bastards with the weight loss you so badly need.

There's none of that fuckin' bastard exercising, for all you porkers out there that "Don't like getting sweaty" or just "Can't be arsed".

Its so simple, just one meal a day and three healthy shits.  Its simple physics that determines your weight loss, and you can drink as much water as you like!

Take a look at the daily plan:

Morning

Wake up, have a shit, try at least.  Rub your stomach and push quite hard, some people have found they have had good results by talking to their fecal matter, much in the same way a Gardener talks to plants... for example... encourage you dump by saying "Come on shits, come on.".  Hopefully you'll be well on your way to Hammering Down some Brown.  Exclaiming "I'm shitting!" when the excrement starts to pass will give you a sense of achievement.

Afternoon

You can eat something at about 13:00, not a big lunch mind you, a small sandwich or something.  PIES ARE RIGHT OUT.  So are cakes, and no lard in your sandwich.  Go for a trip to Brown Town again.  Remember to be happy when the crap comes down.  Exclaim "Oh God I'm Shittng!!  Oh God its brown!", keep it down if you are in a pubic toilet or at work, just whisper it.

Evening

No food for you fatty, try for more brown fun.  Laxatives are a good way of getting those brown bastards out of your arse and if you can get your Laxatives in liquid form, why not add them to a milkshake? (NO LARD IN MILKSHAKES)

Extra Tips

You could consider taking up smoking as this can help suppress you appetite.  Be sure to smoke at least a pack of twenty strong cigarettes a day to curb you urge.  MMMmmm... yummy.  If you get really hungry, just go out and get pissed, drink as much as you can, be sick if you want, that's just more weight loss!

If you find yourself slipping up and eating when you shouldn't, simply shove your fingers down your throat and empty the contents of your stomach into a toilet.  Magic!

Disclaimer

This is all obviously bullshit, and if you do any of this you are a stupid cunt.