The President of the United States is coming to Las Vegas this weekend.
It's traditional for citizens to turn out and honor a fellow entrusted with so high an office. But what's an appropriate way to honor Bill Clinton?
What would a man of honor do if publicly accused of ripping open the blouse of a grieving widow and fondling her breasts when she came to ask for a job -- and then conspiring to leak confidential letters from her government file to discredit her when she went public?
What would a man of honor do if publicly accused of having an armed policeman bring a subordinate to him in a motel room so he could drop his pants and ask the startled young woman to "kiss it"; of pushing another woman of casual acquaintance down on a couch during a real estate tour and raping her (on the way out, famously smiling and advising her to "put some ice on that"); of committing murder by bombing foreign countries with which we were not at war merely to push his own embarrassing sexual escapades from the headlines; and then of a consistent and massive ongoing campaign of character assassination -- using the powers of his office to intimidate any and all such women and their families into silence, even if that required violating the 1974 Privacy Act, enacted specifically to ban the use of White House files for such purposes?
The honorable man, of course, would rise up in righteous fury and demand his day in court at the earliest possible moment, in order to clear his name.
Instead, the seven years of the Clinton administration have consisted of little but a full-court press of procrastination, using every tactic the legal weasels could dream up to stymie, dodge, drag out, frustrate, block and delay any legitimate inquiry into this pattern of behavior -- up to and including wagging that finger and lying to the entire nation on live TV.
(What would Monica Lewinsky's reputation for truth-telling be today, were it not for one slightly soiled blue dress? The president's agents are (start ital)still(end ital) lying about having confidentially briefed the press, in those early days, calling her "a stalker kind of person.")
As to those who support and apologize for the Creature-in-Chief, helping him deflect all accusations back at his critics: I believe the current term is "enablers."
Now, the first lady -- who doesn't seem to travel with the president much, any more -- famously said all these charges were merely invented by a "vast right-wing conspiracy, out to get my husband since the day he was elected."
But the Justice Department has just launched a criminal investigation into charges the White House conspired to hide vast quantities of subpoenaed e-mail from congressional investigators. How about that Attorney General Janet Reno (who last week also admitted under oath the FBI had no authorization from her to use tanks to demolish the back end of the Mount Carmel Church in Waco in 1993, nor to hold fire engines away from the scene as dozens of innocent women and children were incinerated): she part of Mrs. Clinton's "vast right-wing conspiracy"?
Six Northrup-Grumman employees who worked under White House contract now testify before Congress they were ordered not to tell anyone about the missing Lewinsky e-mails; Betty Lambuth, the on-site Northrup manager, testified a White Official told her if anyone talked "We would lose our jobs, be arrested and put in jail."
Betty Lambuth -- newest member of that "vast right-wing conspiracy"?
U.S. District Judge Royce Lamberth just ruled that Bill Clinton "committed a criminal violation of the Privacy Act" by releasing personal letters to undermine the credibility of one of his accusers, Kathleen Willey -- the aforementioned bereaved job applicant who later re-buttoned her blouse and tearfully accused Clinton of unwanted sexual advances.
No beating around the bush, there. The president "committed a criminal violation." Federal Judge Royce Lamberth: another member of the "vast right-wing conspiracy"?
This is the second federal judge who's found Bill Clinton guilty of violating the very law he's sworn to enforce, of course. A federal judge in Arkansas first found him guilty of committing perjury in federal court and fined him $90,000. Just another member of the "vast right-wing conspiracy"?
Chuck Colson, a Nixon aide, went to prison for two years for misusing a single FBI file. The Clintons gathered up hundreds, retaining thick-necked barroom bouncers to pore through them searching for leakable information to use against their political opponents.
Mr. Clinton's punishment? The onetime law school professor (well, it was in Arkansas, you understand) could eventually find himself disbarred in his home state -- but has asked if they'll kindly put of that inquiry for, you know, another year or two.
Thank goodness Mr. Clinton's heir apparent, easily-led naif Al Gore, who boldly asserts the automobile is destroying the earth, is made of sterner stuff. Caught red-handed using government phones for illegal fund-raising, the vice president merely asserts there is "no compelling legal authority" capable of arresting him for his crimes, and instead now presents himself as the newest champion of "campaign finance reform"!
Let's pass some new laws I won't obey, either!
Informed last month that a young woman willing to take the fall for his $100,000 in illegal fund-shovelling at the Buddhist Temple is about to go to prison, Mr. Gore acted as though he didn't even recognize the name.
How on earth is one to honor the capo of such an administration? Stage a fund-raiser at the Midnight Bunny Ranch? Outdoor barbecue over a roaring fire fed by blazing volumes of the Revised U.S. Code? Personal lubricant to be delivered in 50-gallon drums?
In the event, the Democratic faithful are expected to pony up $300,000 this weekend to rub elbows -- or whatever else protrudes -- with the First Rapist at the Green Valley estate of the wealthy real estate heirs of the late Las Vegas newsman Hank Greenspun -- where never a discouraging word will be heard.
Then, another $100,000 in tribute is expected to pour forth at a lesser shindig at the digs of former Las Vegas Mayor Jan Jones, who, at least, the downtown casino barons have finally made an honest woman.
Some of that money will eventually go to fnd the election campaigns of redistributionist political candidates Ed Bernstein and Shelley Berkley, of course -- natives of Philadelphia and New York who will spend much of their share of the booty grinding out folksy TV ads narrated by other people (can't let their own accents be heard), attempting to convince the locals they're true down-home Nevadans of an independent bent, with down-home desert blue-jeans values.
And, of course ... Friends of Bill.
Applications will also be accepted for a few new Washington internships, I'm told. Though curiously, none of the Greenspun, Jones, Berkley or Bernstein children have yet applied. ...
Vin Suprynowicz is assistant editorial page editor of the Las Vegas Review-Journal. His book, "Send in the Waco Killers: Essays on the Freedom Movement, 1993-1998," is available by dialing 1-800-244-2224; or via web site http://www.thespiritof76.com/wacokillers.html.
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Vin Suprynowicz, vin@lvrj.com
"The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists it." -- John Hay, 1872
"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed -- and thus clamorous to be led to safety -- by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." -- H.L. Mencken
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