Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 15:37:43 -0400 From: freematt@coil.com (Matthew Gaylor) Subject: Who am I? By Joanne Jacobs To: freematt@coil.com (Matthew Gaylor)
BC-JACOBS-COLUMN:SJ _ op-ed Who am I?
(PHOTO of Joanne Jacobs available from KRT Direct) By Joanne Jacobs Knight Ridder Newspapers (KRT)
I can't remember what race I am.
I got the short census form, filled it out and sent it back, just like a good citizen is supposed to do. What am I? I was so entranced by all the new multi-colored choices that I can't remember what I decided on. Aleutian-African? Filipino-Latino-Iroquois? Euro-Tongan?
Technically, I'm a Russian-American. Or, at the very most, a Russian-Belarusian-Ukrainian-American. But those choices weren't on the form. And surely it's my right as an American to be whatever I want to be.
Did I leave it blank? Maybe that's why I can't remember. I'm a Blanko-American. More and more so, mentally, as I get older. I'm looking forward to the day wen our society is not so race-obsessed that every American has to be categorized by color and country of ancestral origin.
We're not there yet. But the system's starting to break down.
This is the first census for the baby daughter of Ron and Carla, my brother's in-laws. Brynna is a Euro-Latina-Asian-American, or if you want to name the major groups, German-Mexican-Peruvian-Chinese-Italian-American. Or maybe it's Japanese, not Chinese. It doesn't matter, does it? Despite Person One and Person Two _ they sound like Dr. Seuss characters _ the census can be filled out by Person Normal. Even the long form isn't impossible.
Unlike that other federal form Americans are trying to complete. If I had to do my own taxes, I'd be reduced to the level of a gibbering idiot. (Not just twice a week, disgruntled reader.) As it is, I gibber all through the process of gathering pieces of paper to throw at my accountant. Our benevolent president keeps proposing little tax breaks here and there to encourage government-approved behavior and make paying taxes even more complicated.
My daughter got a form on how to apply for a tax break as a college student. So did I _ because I paid for a weeklong seminar on ``The American West'' at St. John's College last year. This makes me a tax-deductible Lifelong Learner. Except that I earn too much to qualify. I think. I was gibbering too much to read the form.
Last year, I embarked on a bold new venture in tax-paying. I decided to pay payroll taxes for a cleaning lady.
I wanted to make myself eligible to be attorney general, or perhaps a vice-presidential candidate. (I grew up in Illinois, a large electoral-vote state, and live in California, the largest, and I've never dodged the draft, misspelled potato or had anything with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.) Maybe I could run for the Senate in New York.
First, I cleared it with Rosa, to make sure she was reporting her income. It turns out Rosa also wants to remain eligible fr the attorney general spot. She said several of her clients pay her payroll taxes, including Annie, who worked at the San Jose Mercury News. ``That's easy for her,'' I said. ``She has an MBA from Harvard!''
I ran into Annie in the hall and asked her how she did it, repeating my belief that her Harvard MBA gives her an edge. ``No, no, no, no,'' said Annie. ``What I have is an accountant. I could never do it on my own.''
My accountant said the payroll tax for household employees generates more angst for his clients than any other tax. People will pay thousands of dollars in income taxes without breaking a sweat, and go crazy trying to pay for a part-time cleaning lady.
He procured the necessary forms to register me as a household employer and report Rosa's wages. As it turns out, I owe very little, even paying her share as well as mine. By the end of the year, the bill for the accountant's services in determining this was 20 times larger than the actual payroll tax bill. It was worth every penny.
Unfortunately, my status as a household employer has generated more mail from the government than I get from Nordstrom's, which sends me a new catalog every 20 minutes.
The other day I received the 129-page California Employer's Guide for 2000. If I were actually running a business, and trying to pay payroll taxes without an accountant ... it would persuade me to hire an accountant.
The state never accepted the fact that I'm not a business. Now it's come to believe thatI'm Jekyll-Hyde Inc. I paid the tax with a check that has my initials and my last name; my registration as a household employer spells out my first name. So some elements of the state government have concluded that I'm multiple people, one of whom is an unregistered commercial employer.
Jekyll-Hyde Inc. has been assigned an employer account number, and is now required to file Registration Form DE 1 within 15 days. This form, helpfully included in the latest mailing, asks me to designate my ``employer type.'' Am I commercial, church, Indian Reservation, Pacific Maritime or Fishing Boat?
Is my company in manufacturing (list principal products), mining, construction, etc.? I rather fancy an identity as a Belarusian-Aleutian-African Indian Reservation engaged in manufacturing ... government forms. It looks like a growth business.
X X X ABOUT THE WRITER
Joanne Jacobs is a member of the San Jose Mercury News editorial board. Readers may write to her at: 750 idder Park Dr., San Jose, Calif. 95190, or by e-mail to JJacobs(at)sjmercury.com.
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