Title: A Family For Mac

Author: Anne Taul

Classification: Story, Romance (Mac and Harm)

Rating: PG-13

 

Summary: This takes place immediately following the Season 9 finale and addresses the questions posed there and how my overactive imagination would like to solve them.

 

Disclaimer: JAG, its premise and all its regular characters are the exclusive property of Belisarius, CBS and Paramount. This is a purely recreational borrowing of them. No profit is sought or realized and no copyright infringement is intended.

 

(Author's note: On a trip back through this, I added specific dates to each scene, just to give the reader an idea about the passage of time. The dates are not carved in stone and this piece should be viewed more as scenes from their life than a continuous story. AT)

 

A FAMILY FOR MAC

 

 

May 21, 2004

U.S. Naval Academy

A.J. Chegwidden's retirement party

 

  "In that case, I should tell you what the doctor said…"

 

     Harm went cold with fright. His mind raced. What had the doctor said? Was something wrong with her? Was she sick? Everything was still and he couldn't move as he waited for her to continue.

 

     Mac swallowed hard. She hadn't meant to tell him this at all, especially not here, like this. He would feel sorry for her and she just couldn't stand that -- not after everything else that had happened recently.

 

    Finally, his voice came to him. "Is something wrong, Mac?"

 

      "I'm sorry, Harm. I never really expected you to fulfill that baby promise. And now I'm the one who has to go back on my word to you." She paused. "Harm, I can't have a baby with you. I'm so sorry."

 

      Was that all? She just didn't want to have a baby together. He sighed in relief. His hand held hers tightly. "Well, whatever you want is okay by me. If you're not ready right now, we'll just wait."

 

      She reclaimed her hand and stood up. "No, Harm. Not now, not ever."

 

         He stood too. "Do you want to take a walk and talk about it?"

 

      "Walk, yes. Talk, no."

 

         He led her onto the nearby sidewalk, and they began strolling together. Harm's arm protectively circled her waist, but she didn't object. At first they walked in silence, but then she began telling him all the sordid details.

 

          About twenty minutes later they approached the place they had started their walk. "Is the doctor sure about the diagnosis? What did you call it again?"

 

     "Endometriosis." She repeated the name slowly. "And she seemed fairly certain that the test results were accurate."

 

           "That's what caused all that back pain you've been having?"

 

    She nodded. "I wish it could have been something else."

 

       "At least we know what we're dealing with." He rationalized.

 

    "Yeah, no way to ever have children."

 

               "That might not be true."

 

        "Harm, she said that within a year or two I would probably have to have an hysterectomy to control the pain."

 

             "That gives us a year or two." He said, gently, hoping to comfort her.

 

      "I told you, as long as I've got this in me, I can't get pregnant. Too much scar tissue."

 

          "Is there another way to treat it? Something that can get rid of it, even temporarily?"

 

                   She was shocked by his reaction. He didn't even care about her or her health at all; he just wanted her to produce his heir. "There are medications that might help control it for a while, but eventually I'll need the surgery."

 

    Harm looked deeply into her eyes. This was all such a shock. But he was so relieved that she didn't have some fatal disease. Still, he could see in those deep, brown pools that this was just as upsetting to her. His hand caressed her cheek. "We will do whatever we have to do, one day at a time -- together."

 

          "What do you mean "we"?  I can't drag you into this."

 

   "Forget it. I'm already in."

 

             "Harm, you don't have to be. I only told you to explain about why I have to go back on our deal."

 

    He moved closer and kissed her, gently. She leaned into his kiss and returned it. Then, something inside her snapped. She broke away from him and moved to put distance between them.

 

               He followed and placed a hand on her arm. "Don't!" she shouted. "Don't touch me!"

 

   "Mac."

 

          She knew that he pitied her, and she wouldn't have it-- not from him.

 

    Harm withdrew the hand, but whispered, "I won't let you go through this alone."

 

       "You don't have any say in that!"

 

                    "Okay," He said, backing away, "but I'm here whenever you get ready to need me. I always will be."

 

             How she wished she could believe that!

 

                     Harm couldn't believe that she could push him away, knowing how he felt about her. But he made a vow then and there to be supportive.

 

     Mac brushed past him on her way back inside. "We really should pay our respects to the admiral." He nodded, following her in.

 

      The whole company was surprised to find that Chegwidden had slipped out and was gone. "How typical!" Jennifer Coates sighed.

 

             "He's not one for prolonged emotional scenes." Harriet reassured the young petty officer.

 

      They all tried to continue the party, but it broke up soon after, with guests all heading their separate ways.

 

          Since she had come to Annapolis in a taxi, Harm insisted on driving Mac home.

Back at her place, he wanted to spend the night, since the doctor had said she needed to take it easy after her procedure. She sent him away, though, with a vague promise to call if she needed anything. 

     Early the next morning, a Saturday, Harm appeared at the front door bearing breakfast and a bouquet of Spring flowers. To say the very least, she was surprised. "What are you doing here?"

 

              "I hoped you might need a friend. We still have some talking to do."

 

     "No, we're all talked out, Harm."

     

            They ate their breakfast in companionable silence.

 

   When she got up and walked to the window to look out, he followed. Standing behind her, Harm massaged her shoulders.

 

                "I never expected my life to turn out this way." She said, quietly.

 

   "What way?"

 

           "Alone, childless, bitter."

 

                "Mac, I had always sort of figured that you and I would eventually end up together."

 

      "So did I, for a while. But that's all in the past."

 

               His arms circled her from behind. "Why?"

 

    "She laughed. "Because I can't give you what you want and need."

 

           "What's that?"

 

       "A life, a family."

 

                    "Do you think I would stop loving you just because we can't have children or that  we'll have to adopt our children?"

 

       She turned in his arms. "What did you say?"

 

               "Adoption. We'll file preliminary papers with all the agencies on Monday."

 

           "No. I know you want a child of your own, someone to carry on the Rabb bloodline."

 

     "The baby will be my own. The biology doesn't matter."

 

            "But Harm, you can have a baby that is your own flesh and blood. I could never deny you that. All you have to do is find the right woman."

 

    He kissed her cheek. "I found the right woman."

 

         A smile crept across her face. "No. I can't give you what you need. It's over. Please go now."

 

            He couldn't believe that she was throwing him out. He'd come here with his heart on his sleeve and she had just stomped on it. He turned and walked to the door. Before exiting, he told her back, "it's not over yet. It can't be." And he left.

 

     Mac sat on the couch and cried for what seemed like days. Her whole world had just ended. The thoughts raced through her mind. She was not a complete woman -- she never would be. No children, no one to love her all her life and be with her on her death bed. It had to be her fault; she had waited too long. Had her career been a mistake? There had been men, why hadn't she let herself get pregnant by one of them? What was she waiting for? Her life was meaningless -it always would be.

 

July 12, 2004

 

        Weeks passed. Harm scarcely saw Mac. She came into the office, worked behind closed door and left. The few times he had tried to approach her, she had all but ignored him. He was determined to keep his vow to be supportive, to give her time and space and whatever else she needed, but he wouldn't crowd her.

      

         Sturgis Turner was called away on a family emergency after his mother became ill. The timing was bad, as he and Mac were in the midst of litigating a case involving misappropriation of government property. Mac's client was a young, naïve petty officer who apparently had trouble resisting the temptation to sell supplies from a base warehouse to pay his gambling debts. With Turner gone, Harm was asked to step in to finish presenting the prosecution's case. The evidence had really mounted, so it was pretty routine work in the courtroom. Then, it happened.

 

     Mac, questioning a witness, turned from the stand to consult her notes. Harm saw her wince in pain and reach up to touch her back. Something akin to terror coursed through him.  Had her condition gotten so much worse so quickly? Why hadn't she told him? Of course they hadn't really talked much at all since that night she had kicked him out of her apartment.

 

        His instinct was to go to her to help her, to hold her, but this was not the place for that kind of a display. He had to sit in his place and not even acknowledge her obvious pain. It had to be the single most difficult thing he had ever done.

 

     As soon as the session ended, he followed her out of the courtroom and asked, "Are you okay? Is the pain getting worse?"

 

         "I'm fine, and I don't want to talk about it." She responded, curtly.

 

    Not one to give up easily, Harm followed her right into her office and shut the door. "Mac, talk to me. Please."

 

                      "Okay, yeah, the pain is getting worse. Sometimes it's so bad I can hardly stand up or even sleep at night."

 

    "What does the doctor say?"

 

          "She says that the endometriosis doesn't look like it's spread any farther, but it will in time. All she can do right now is just give me more pain medicine. She wants to hold off on surgery as long as possible to preserve my natural hormone balance or something like that." 

 

    "Does the pain medicine help."

 

"Some."

 

      "God, Mac, I can't stand to see you in this kind of pain."

 

  Then leave me alone."

 

       His head dropped. "You know I can't do that."

 

          "Harm, being together isn't good for either one of us." She lied.

 

      "Have dinner with me tonight?"

 

            "You don't hear anything I say, do you?"

 

        "I'm trying, Mac, really I am. Help me. Let me take you to that little bistro you like over in Shirlington."

 

  "Okay." She finally gave in.

 

     Dinner was uneventful. They talked mostly about the case they were trying. Harm was determined to avoid anything that might upset her.

 

      But, as they were leaving, she brought it up. "Harm, did you meet that new clerk in the archives department? She's very nice and attractive. You should ask her out."

 

        He was flabbergasted. "Ask her out? Why would I do that? Mac, you know that you're the only woman I'm interested in."

 

            “And you know that I can't give you what you need. We need to get you settled down so you can start a family."

 

   "That again!" he sighed, under his breath.

 

      "I know that's what you want, Harm. It's what you've always wanted."

 

  "No, what I want is you, Mac. It took me too long to be ready to commit to you and start a relationship, but I am ready now. I love you; I want us to be together -- to at least give it a shot."

 

     "Don't say that!" she yelled, startling him.

 

          He wondered what he'd said wrong. Certainly it wasn't anything she didn't know already. "What is wrong?" he asked, calmly.

 

"You can't get involved with me." She stated, matter-of-factly.

 

     "What? Why not?"

 

"Because I care too much about you."

 

     "Now, that just doesn't make sense."

 

               "I don't want you to end up like Clay, and every other man who's ever been involved with me. I'm a curse to men."

 

      "So, that's what this is about." He moved toward her and wrapped his strong arms around her, just as she started to cry.

 

       Harm held her for a few minutes, until she pushed him away.

 

          She snapped at him. "Every man I've ever been involved with is either dead or wishes he were. I heard you say it once yourself."

 

    "But I didn't mean it. You know I didn't." he winced remembering those words coming out of his mouth.

 

           "It's still true." She sobbed, trying to choke back the last of her tears.

 

       He held her tightly to him, as if he might protect her from her old, recurring fears and nightmares. She relaxed against his chest for a moment, then pulled away.

 

            Harm didn't want to leave her like this, but when she ordered him out, he didn't have much choice.

 

4 MONTHS LATER

 

November 17, 2004

 

        Things had been cold between the partners and former close friends. It became clear that Mac did not plan to let Harm inside her shell of withdrawal. And it hurt him.

    

         One day, at the office, he got a phone call and, after a brief conversation with the new admiral,  rushed away quickly. When he didn't come back all day, Mac was concerned. But, she couldn't call him; not after the way she had acted.

 

   She rehearsed what she'd say to an invisible audience in the car, and by the time she arrived home, was almost ready to call him. But she didn't get the chance.

 

     When she pulled up in front of her building, Harm was leaning against his vintage corvette, waiting for her. "Mac, I've got the greatest news. I just couldn't wait to tell you." He exuded, before she was even out of the car.

 

        For a moment, she was excited. Lord knows, she could use a little good news in her life. Then, she recalled her vow to not let herself get caught up in Harm again.

 

  "What is it?" she asked, disinterestedly.

 

       "Come with me." He instructed, leading her toward his car.

 

              She got in, but protested a little. "Where are we going?" she demanded several minutes into the drive.

 

   "Mercy Hospital." He replied.

 

       "Oh God, Harm. Are you sick?" she really was concerned now.

 

"No. Nothing like that."

 

          They went into a corridor of the hospital marked "Social Services."

 

               Harm stopped at the desk, where a young woman greeted him by name. "What can I help you with, Mr. Rabb?"

 

    "Can we see her?" he asked, excitedly.

 

           "Let me check." Came the enthusiastic reply.

 

She picked up the phone, and after a brief conversation, told them, "Go on in."

 

                    Ham led Mac down a side hallway to a small room. Inside was a baby nursery with the most beautiful baby she had ever seen.

 

    To Mac's surprise, Harm went over and lifted the child up into his arms, speaking softly to her. "This is her, the one I told you about." He said to the tiny bundle in his arms. Then, he handed the baby to Mac.

 

                 Mac smiled. "Hello." She said to the baby, then to Harm, "Whose is she? Where did she come from?"

 

     "She's an orphan." Harm replied. Her mother gave her up before she was born, two weeks ago. The agency called me since I'm on the adoption list."

 

 "You are?" Mac was surprised.

 

             "Yeah, remember I told you we could go ahead and file papers that night at the admiral's retirement party."

 

      "And you did?" she hadn't realized.

 

          "I did. Don’t you think she's just perfect? This could be the baby we go halves on."

 

   "We can have her? Just like that?"

 

             "There are some formalities, but I think so."

 

    Mac hugged the little girl close to her. "But, I still can't give you a child of your own."

 

                  "This is a child of my own. I've just fallen totally in love with her. Tell me you'll help me."

 

    "What do you need me to do?"

 

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

 

         "What!?!" her reaction was so strong that her grip on the baby loosened and the child began to cry.

 

    She tried to quiet the baby, while Harm explained. "Prospects for a single guy adopting aren't that good. My chances would be much better with a wife."

 

        "You'd get married just to get the baby?"

 

"If you wanted to." Harm took the baby from her now, and the little girl quieted right down.

 

           "Wow, you two have bonded." She observed.

 

      He smiled.

 

                  "What are you really asking me here, Harm?"

 

          "Marry me, live with me, help me raise this child. I looked at this great house. It has two large master bedroom suites, one for each of us, and lots of room for her. There's a big backyard and ………."

 

    Live together, share responsibilities and raise a baby. She thought this didn't sound like a bad offer.

 

            Mac approached and looked into the blanket in his arms. She was precious. When her hand touched the infant's cheek, a small fist grasp onto her finger.

 

                "Does she have a name?" Mac inquired.

 

           "We'll have to give her one." He answered.

 

"Any ideas?"

 

     "I promise to like anything you do." He responded.

 

            "How about Nicole?" she suggested.

 

                    "That's pretty. The only thing I had come up with was MacKenzie."

 

   "And you're going to call her…what, Mac?"

 

          "I thought maybe Kinsey."

 

     That night at dinner, they began making plans for a life together with their child.

 

NEXT AFTERNOON

November 18,2004

 

         Harm and Mac rushed into Mercy Hospital. They had been summoned urgently by the social worker. Mac had a sick feeling in her stomach that the adoption had hit a snag. This solution was too perfect. Her life wouldn't let it work out so well.

 

   In the office, they heard the final word. "And so they go as a package. Can you handle that? Are you still even interested.?"

 

      Come to find out, one of the conditions of the birth mother terminating her rights had been that her older child, a three year old girl, stay with this baby. So, now, if they got their baby, they also got a three year old. Her name was Kasey.

 

        Harm held Mac's hand as they listened to all this news. "Can we meet her?" he asked as soon as the social worker had finished.

 

  "I hoped you would want to." She said.

 

        Little Kasey was, as Mac called her, "a living doll." Though smallish for her age, she had huge brown eyes, a head full of curly light brown hair and a commanding presence. Harm and Mac met her in a playroom on the hospital's pediatric ward. They both sat down on the floor and began playing with her. She conversed freely with them in intelligent, almost adult speech. The two JAG lawyers looked at each other and smiled.

 

   About an hour later, the social worker returned for them. Mac asked Kasey if she might come and visit again sometime. The little girl enthusiastically agreed.

 

       Both Mac and Harm were totally in love and began spending as much time as possible, both together and separately, at the hospital.

 

   Within the month, they had closed on the house of their dreams and started planning a wedding. It would be a small, private affair, with only a very few close friends in attendance.

 

            To their surprise, no one questioned their nuptials. Apparently all their friends had assumed it would eventually happen. Mac felt a little guilty for going into a marriage without the customary kind of love, but rationalized it with the love they both had for Kasey and Kinsey. Although their relationship was strictly platonic, it was the perfect family. And she and Harm did really care for each other; they would make it work.  

 

   Mrs. Corbett, the hospital social worker, had cautioned them about waiting until they had developed a solid relationship with her before broaching the subject of adoption with Kasey.

 

        They had known her for almost two months when they decided the time was right. The three of them went out for a special day together. They had lunch and toured the National zoo. At one point, Harm picked the laughing little girl up and sat her on top of a fence, so that she was at eye level with her adult companions. "Kasey, Honey, Mac and I like to spend time with you. We'd like to spend a lot more time with you."

 

      The child just looked at him and continued eating her cotton candy.

 

  Mac tried to open the subject. "Kasey, we were wondering if you might like to come and live with us?"

 

      "For a visit?" Kasey assumed.

 

 "Not just for a visit." Harm corrected.

 

           "We want you to stay with us forever."  Mac explained.

 

      The girl's eyes got wide. "You mean like dopted?"

 

           "Yes, Sweetie." We would like to adopt you."

 

                      "You can be my mommy?" Kasey yelled, excitedly.

 

"Yes."

 

        The little girl flung herself into Mac's arms and wrapped her arms around her neck. Mac held her tightly.

 

              Harm tapped Kasey on the shoulder. "What about me? Could I be your daddy?"

 

                     She literally jumped the short distance into his arms, burying her face in his chest. He wrapped one arm around Kasey and the other around Mac.

 

   After a few minutes, he set Kasey back on the ground and she turned and ran as fast as she could away from them.

 

           They called after her, but she didn't stop. Both adults took off after her.

 

                 She was cornered between them a couple hundred yards away.

 

Mac picked her up and spoke sternly. "Why did you run like that? You must never, ever run away from us that way. Do you understand?"

 

    Kasey was crying; Mac feared she'd spoken too harshly. But Harm didn't think so. He took her from Mac's arms. "What's wrong, Baby?" he asked gently.

 

                 "I can't live with you."

 

 "Why not?" Mac asked.

 

               "My baby sister. I can't leave her all alone at the hospital."

 

       "You don't have to." Harm assured her. "We want Kinsey to come live with us too."

 

   "Kinsey?" the little girl was confused.

 

         "That's what we call her." Mac explained. "It's short for MacKenzie. That's what we'd like to name her, if it's okay with you."

 

 "MacKenzie." Kasey repeated. "It's okay, but I like Kinsey better."

 

            "Then, Kinsey it is.' Harm announced, with a sigh of relief.

 

                Within two weeks, Harm and Mac had been married in a simple ceremony (they promised to "love, honor and respect" each other) and had been granted foster parent guardianship of Kasey and her sister.

 

         The process for final adoption was a long one, fraught with scads of paperwork, but they were on their way.

 

                    Some of the details they hadn't considered, soon became apparent. Mac wondered once or twice if they had acted too hastily. But the details, as those things always do, found a way of working themselves out.

 

     Their first major obstacle was the general rule that married officers could not serve in the same chain of command. Both loved working at JAG, but they each volunteered to seek other billets. It was Mac who was offered the best opportunity, and she had accepted and moved on before Harm had much of a chance to think about it. She became the SecNav's personal legal advisor, a position previously held by Commander Ted Lindsey. She was a litigator by nature and knew that she would miss the courtroom, but she had always known that she would eventually need to sacrifice some of her career for the family she wanted so badly. When her health problems started, that had seemed a mute point, but now, here it was again. And she didn't resent it. Her arrangement was going to allow her the possibility of participating directly, from time to time, in JAG cases  that had significant impact on Navy policy and international military ramifications. She could live with that.

 

       Harm felt guilty that she was giving up something she loved, but she tried to reassure him that it was the best decision for all of them.

 

                  Another hurdle was in figuring out what to do with two small children while they both worked all day. The daycare option didn't appeal to them, as they just couldn't stand the thought of their precious little girls just being "dropped off" every day. Their good friend, Harriet, was home with four small ones every day, and offered to take Kasey and Kinsey. This would give them love and good care. But Harm and Mac didn't like the idea of imposing on their friend that way. What they found, instead, was an in home sitter that they liked and trusted. "Nanny Gilbert" came 5 days a week to stay with the kids. The girls adored her! She played with them, took good care of them and did many other helpful things. Soon, Kasey started into preschool two days a week, and Nanny Gilbert took her back and forth and encouraged her keen interest in all the new things she learned. It was a good arrangement.

 

       The travel requirement that their jobs occasionally presented was a concern too. Fortunately, this solved itself with Mac's new job being mostly 8-5 with only rare needs for travel.

 

           Of course, there was the car situation. They both drove two-seater Corvettes, which had no provisions for children. Harm did have the Lexus SUV, and it would work okay. But clearly, Mac needed a more family-oriented vehicle. Both of them stated a willingness to trade their vette for a different car. Mac just could not let Harm sell his vintage car that he had restored himself, though. She traded hers for a nice, safe minivan.

 

         Dividing up domestic chores was less trouble than it might have been, as they settled into a new home life routine, centered mostly around the children.

 

   It was a good arrangement; they were a happy family.

        

           Kinsey, especially, had a bit of trouble adjusting to  her new home with two loving and solicitous parents. After all, she had spent the first few months of her life in a sterile hospital environment. 

 

  Harm and Mac fell into the habit of  taking turns on alternating nights being the one to get up with the girls. It worked well -- one of them always got a good night's sleep. And if one had an especially bad night, they were assured of a good night's sleep the next night.   

 

December 9, 2004  

 

One night, as Mac lay in her bed, deep in the realm of sleep, a terrified scream pierced the normally still air.  She immediately bolted up, her mind racing. Was it her night or Harm's? Did it matter if her child needed her? Kasey was obviously frightened by something. While these things whirled through her head, before she could get out of bed, there came a soft knock at the door, then it opened slowly. Harm, Kasey held in his arms, stood at the threshold.

 

          "Mommy! Mommy!" the girl cried, holding out her arms in Mac's direction.

 

     "Bring her here." Mac instructed him.

 

                  Harm sat down on the edge of the bed and handed Kasey into Mac's waiting arms. The child clung to her neck, then relaxed against her chest. "Don’t leave me." The child sobbed.

 

              "I'll never leave you, Sweetheart." She stroked her small daughter's hair.

 

                      "My other mommy did." Kasey stated matter-of-factly.

 

  "Oh, Baby." Mac held her tightly, and looked at Harm, who just shrugged his shoulders.

 

         Kasey was like a vise holding to Mac, full of fear.

 

  Harm turned and grasped the doorknob to leave, when a muffled voice stopped him. "Daddy, don't go." It demanded.

 

                   His eyes met Mac's. "Daddy, don't go." She repeated the little girl's request.

 

      Harm's eyebrow's arched questioningly.

 

           Mac patted the bed beside her.

 

                    He slid into the bed with them and draped a protective arm around his wife and daughter.

 

  Sandwiched in between her foster parents, Kasey sighed in contentment.

 

December 25, 2004

 

       It was by far the best Christmas either Harm or Mac had ever known. The kids were both excited, and Kasey virtually bounced off the walls. Sharing a private moment during the cleanup, after the little ones had gone to bed, Harm pulled her into a sudden embrace. "Thank you for giving me everything I've always wanted." He whispered.

 

                " And thank you." She returned, kissing him quickly. 

 

***************

      

March 6, 2005

 

 Mac would just never forget the day that Harm first took Kasey up in his biplane. It was one of the more horrific experiences of her life. The day was sunny, warm and beautiful. They packed a picnic lunch and made the trip to the hangar a family outing. Kasey wanted to see the plane.

 

                  Harm had convinced Mac that taking her to look at it would be fun.

 

   Of course, Kasey wanted to ride in it too. Mac said no, but Harm tried to assure her that it would be safe. She sat in his lap, strapped in tightly, but Mac was still leery of her baby going up in the sky. Kasey was so excited though.

 

     Mac and Kinsey watched from the ground, as the rest of their family flew all around the area. It wasn't that Mac didn't trust Harm; she did, completely. But this was a little child, not a military pilot.

 

          When they landed, Harm handed Kasey out of the cockpit into her mother's waiting arms. She talked a blue streak about the ride and how much fun it was. She was ready to go again.

 

                   Harm tussled her hair and informed her, "The next time, it's probably Kinsey's turn."

 

       "Oh no!" Mac reacted. Walking away to keep the baby out of his reach.

 

"Mac, I would never do anything to hurt our children."

 

    "I know." She agreed. 

 

***************************

****************************************

 

    It turned out that little Kasey was exceptionally bright. It was not just the kind of intelligence that all parents hope their child will possess, but rather it was the kind that had preschool teachers raving. After a conference with the teacher, Mac made Harm promise that he wouldn't push her; she had plenty of time to learn.  But secretly, she was puffed-up proud of her eldest daughter. So much so, that when Kasey's fourth birthday rolled around, Mac planned a grand extravaganza.

 

 April 12, 2005

 

 The Rabb back yard was transformed into a wonderland of trampolines, swing sets and pony rides. Family friends, neighbors and preschool classmates filled the space, and Kasey was the center of all the attention. She loved it!

 

           Mac watched the children play from her position on the back porch swing while Kinsey lay happily on a blanket at her feet. Various adults sat around talking to her, but she concentrated on the kids. Kinsey was now six months old and though she couldn't quite crawl yet, she had mastered the art of rolling and easily propelled herself in a motion best described as a "scoot." Every time she managed to move off her blanket, Mac gently redirected her onto it. Harm laughed at this, but stood nearby nursing a Coca-cola instead of helping.

 

             When she went into the kitchen to get more food, Mac took a drink of his coke and admonished him, "Watch the kids."  He merely nodded.

 

   Harriet Sims appeared to help her carry the trays out. "You and the commander have the perfect life, don't you?"

 

         Mac just smiled. "It's petty good."

 

                  The birthday party continued until well after dark, even though the birthday girl fell asleep right after supper. Harm carried her up to bed while Mac gave Kinsey her bedtime feeding. Harm was in his room reading when Mac took the baby up to bed, so she just turned in herself.

 

     A short time later, there was a very soft knocking at her door. She smiled; Harm often stuck his head in to say goodnight when he checked on the girls right before going to sleep. "Come in." she called.

 

           The door opened, but she didn't see him. Instead, Kasey came in quietly.  "What are you doing out of bed, Honey?"

 

     "I wanted to tell you I had fun at my party." The small girl answered.

 

           'I'm glad."

 

                   "Can I sleep with you?"

 

 Sleeping with Mommy or Daddy was usually reserved for times of bad dreams or sickness, but it was Kasey's birthday. "Okay." Mac agreed.

 

           Her daughter scrambled quickly into the bed beside her and snuggled against her. Mac wrapped her arms around her and held her close. She heard a soft, muffled "I love you, Mommy." Before the child fell back to sleep.

 

  Fifteen minutes later Mac's door opened again, this time without a knock, and a deep voice cried out, "Mac! Mac, Kasey's not in her bed. I checked the bathroom…. She's just not anywhere……."

 

           "She's here, Harm." Mac said, quietly.

 

      He breathed a sigh of relief.

 

                   "Do you want me to take her back to bed now?"

 

      "In a few minutes.” Mac replied.

 

           She thought he looked impatient waiting a few minutes, so she invited him, "Lie down for a minute while you wait."

 

                   He slid into the bed beside them. His arm stretched out to rest under Mac's shoulders and her head came to lie beneath the crook of his arm. His other arm draped over both of them to hold them close to him.

 

     As she relaxed against him, Harm bent his head so that his lips lightly touched her forehead. She looked up at him in mild surprise. She moved a little closer to him and he seized the opportunity. His lips ever so slightly brushed against hers. She moved closer to him and the contact turned into real kiss. His intention had only been to initiate a glancing contact, but soon they were sharing a passionate, full-fledged kiss.

 

            When they moved apart, she spoke, "I thought that was gone between us."

 

     "I can't completely let go of it." He confessed. "I still have those feeling for you."

 

        "Maybe we were both just too busy to notice."

 

               They moved toward each other to rekindle the contact when they were interrupted. The baby whaled loudly. She moved to get up.

 

      "No, if you move, it'll wake up Kasey. I'll go."

 

          He was back moments later, carrying the small bundle.

 

"What's wrong?" her mother asked.

 

                  "I think she just woke up and realized she was all alone."

 

   Mac held the covers up, allowing both Harm and the baby into her bed.

 

          As she snuggled back up against his shoulder, she whispered, "Harriet was right, this is almost perfect."

 

  "Good." He said, kissing her cheek.

 

          She snuggled in close to him, relishing this all too rare moment of intimacy with the most important adult in her world.

 

      Harm held her tightly, together with their children, until her steady, regular breathing and relaxed body assured him that she was fast asleep.  He got up slowly, being very careful not to wake her or the kids. He, then, lifted each child, one at a time, and carried them to their own beds. Afterward, he covered Mac's sleeping form and left her to her rest. It had been a long day and she had worked hard. As much as he would have liked to stay with her, he went back to his own room.

 

            Mac awoke several hours later and reached for him. Oh no! His lying beside her and holding her had been a dream again. But…. Her leg hit against something in the bed. She reached down and retrieved Kasey's hair ribbon. She remembered. Harm and both of the girls had been in this bed with her. She wondered why he had left. Then, all of a sudden, she knew what she must do.

 

                   She got up from the bed and trod quietly down the hall to his room. In case he was asleep, she didn't knock. Instead, she went in and soundlessly crawled into the bed next to him. He was warm. As she moved up next to his back, he turned, wrapping both arms around her. She did not know that he was awake until he spoke, "Mac, Honey, what are you doing here?"

 

               "You left. I was alone."

 

                      "I wanted you to get some sleep."

 

         "But, I hoped you would stay."

 

 "You never said so."

 

                Now, she pulled herself up even with him and kissed him, long and hard.

 

     Harm returned the kiss, passionately. "What are you saying?"

 

                           "Harm, I thought this part of my life was over." She accentuated her words by wrapping her arms around his neck. "Make love to me."

 

          The words excited him. His hands began a journey over her body. "Sarah, are you sure?"

 

               "Oh, yeah." She sighed.

 

                       They spent the next several hours completely lost in each other -- over and over again. Their knowledge of each other and the deep commitment of living together for all these months, came pouring out in their intimacy. In some ways, this act completed them both. It was earth shattering! Afterward, they just lay holding each other.

 

        "I love you so much." He reminded her.

 

              "That's a coincidence, because I love you so much too." She whispered, hoarsely.

 

              "Is this our wedding night?" He asked, after a while.

 

   "Well, we are married." She laughed.

 

                   "Good. If I weren't already married, I'd ask you to be my wife."  

 

          "Then, I'm glad that I am your wife."

 

"Me too."

 

                             They slept well. And enjoyed the simple pleasure of waking up in each other's arms.

 

  

April 13,2005

  Soon after, Mac was in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids. The smile on her face belied her musings about how wonderful it was to have a family and a husband, a real husband now, for the first time ever. She was totally happy.

 

             Kinsey, had pulled herself up on a bookcase and was dangerously close to turning the whole thing over. Mac called to Harm, who was looking for something in the next room.

 

    "Yes, dear?" his replied warmed her.

 

                  "Come get Kinsey before she gets buried under the bookcase." She called.

 

                         "On my way!" he answered.

 

Moments later, Harm strode in, scooped up the baby in a powerful arm and deposited her in the highchair next to where Mac was working. Then he bent to place a quick kiss on her lips.

 

           "Ooooooh!" Kasey exclaimed from across the counter.

 

                  "What's wrong with you?" Mac asked.

 

"Daddy kissed Mommy." The girl teased in a singsong voice.

 

       "And what's wrong with that?" Harm inquired.

 

                "Did it upset you?" Mac wasn't sure how her daughter would react.

 

         "No, I liked it." Kasey responded.

 

                   "Hmm. I liked it too." Harm agreed, placing another kiss on Mac's lips.

 

            "I like it too.' Mac made it unanimous.

 

**********

 

Over the next few weeks, Mac and Harm spent many nights together. They didn't always sleep in the same room, but they enjoyed having the option. Their relationship didn't seem to bother Kasey at all, for which Mac was grateful. 

 

        May 28, 2005

 Mac had been working on some particularly difficult revisions of standing policies for the SecNav and was exhausted. On the morning when she didn't need to be in the office until later, Harm let her sleep in a little extra. He got the kids up and dressed and took them to the kitchen to make breakfast for his tired wife.

 

     Kasey sat beside him on the counter, while Kinsey played happily in her playpen. "What should we make Mommy for breakfast?" he asked the four year old.

 

                 "Scampled eggs." She replied, without hesitation.

 

"Are they Mommy's favorite?" Harm teased his daughter.

 

     "My favorite." She answered truthfully. "But Mommy likes them too."

 

                  "Okay, scrambled eggs it is." He conceded.

 

"Goody!" Kasey smiled.

 

       They were almost finished making the breakfast when Mac appeared on the stairs. "Good morning." Harm greeted.

 

              "Good morning, yourself. Why didn't you wake me?"

 

      "You needed the rest." He explained.

 

                       "You're too good to me." As she said it, she walked behind him and circled her arms around his waist.

 

                  "Mac, you've worked awfully hard lately. We don't want to add any extra stress to you. Do we Girls?"

 

       Mac reached over to pick Kinsey up. When she did, she grabbed for her back in agony.

 

             This time, Harm was immediately at her side. "Are you okay?"

 

       "Fine." She said, handing him the baby. Harm set Kinsey back in the playpen and led Mac to a chair.

 

                       "Is the pain getting worse?" he sounded concerned.

 

"This one felt a little different than usual.” she too was worried.

 

        "I'm going to make you an appointment at Bethesda."

 

 "No." she was firm. "I'm not ready for that yet. Tomorrow is our big day."

 

    Harm held her hand. “And we can't ruin a day so important with your feeling badly. Baby, if you need to have surgery, we'll just have to do it."

 

             She leaned against him for strength, but didn't say anything.

 

 

   THAT NIGHT

                      As soon as she came through the door, Harm asked, "What did the doctor say?"

 

            "Not right now." She replied. "We'll talk later. Right now, I need to see my babies."

 

                     The loss of ability to reproduce had always been the hardest part of this illness for her, so Harm thought it was natural that she would seek out her children -- children that she loved as much as if she had carried them inside her body-- at a time when she was faced with the grim realities of her health. He wanted to be there to help her, but knew he'd have to wait until she was ready to need him.

 

May 29, 2005

 

       It was the day that the adoption would become final. They took both children and headed to court, accompanied by Mrs. Corbett, the social worker.  Harm had labored over the paperwork tirelessly, so everything should be very routine. The judge talked to all of them, then talked to Kasey alone for a few minutes.

 

          Mac held her breath when he came back into the room. "I have to agree with Mrs. Corbett that this is about the best, most successful placement I've ever seen."

 

  The names on the certificates of adoption read: "MacKenzie Nicole Rabb and Kasey Harmon Rabb (Kasey picked out her own middle name).

 

         After they left the courthouse, they spent the entire afternoon picnicking in the park, playing and enjoying the family. It was dubbed "family day" and was a special event for everyone.

 

             It was well after dark before they got home and put the kids to bed. Harm brought up something that had plagued him all day. "You never did tell me what the doctor said yesterday.'

 

   "Well, come sit on the porch with me."

 

           They sat in the old hanging swing on the back porch that Mac loved so much. Harm's arms were loosely circled around her, and her head rested on his chest.

 

      "I had a test done yesterday to evaluate my endometriosis.'

 

"And?"

 

                "And, it's not as bad as it was last year. It's getting better."

 

"I thought they told you that it would get worse."

 

        "They did."

 

                "Then no surgery?"

 

She nodded.

 

       "That's a miracle.' He hugged her to him. After a pause, "Then what caused that pain yesterday?"

 

            "Something pressing on the scarred area."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

                   "Harm, I'm pregnant."

 

"I thought that wasn't possible." His mouth fell open.

 

      "Close your mouth, Harm." She instructed, and demonstrated by kissing him.

 

          "It shouldn't have been. But apparently it was, and I am."

 

                 The joy in his face was unlike anything she had ever seen. "We're going to have a baby!" he squealed.

 

     "Congratulations, Daddy."

               

                        He kissed her deeply and meaningfully. "What are we going to tell the girls?"

 

               "That they're going to have a little brother or a little sister."

 

November 4, 2005

 

        It was Kinsey's first birthday. She was celebrating with her family and a few close family friends. Mac was 7 and a half month pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Keeping up with two small children was beginning to take its toll on her.

 

             Harm admonished her, "Go upstairs and lie down for a few minutes. I can handle things here."

 

    "I can't just leave the guests." She argued.

 

            "Everyone would understand. Come on, Honey. I'm worried about you and the baby." His eyes pleaded with her, so she acquiesced.

 

   Later he was sorry. This was the day that Kinsey decided to let go of the hand holds and walk by herself. He was so excited when he saw it, he called to his wife. But she wasn't there. Excusing himself, he went up to check on her and give her the news.

 

                 Opening the door to her room, he smiled broadly. Mac lay diagonally across the bed sound asleep. Kasey was cuddled up against her chest, also asleep. He hated to wake her, but couldn't stand the thought of her missing Kinsey's first steps. So, he spooned up against her back and held her tightly.

 

       Mac awoke instantly. She loved the feel of her man next to her. "What are you doing here?" she asked, quietly.

 

              "Checking on you. Oh, and Kinsey's walking."

 

 "Really?" She jumped out of bed and was halfway down the stairs before he realized it.

 

           When he got to her, she was gushing over her daughter's new accomplishment. From behind her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. They shared this special moment under the watchful eyes of their friends. Kinsey laughed and stomped her little feet.

 

        "Let's go for a walk." Mac offered Harm.

 

                Kasey had come downstairs and Harriet was watching both girls, so they started down the sidewalk, hand in hand.

 

    "We've got great kids." Mac observed.

 

"Yeah, they're something else." He agreed.

 

             "What about the new baby?" she asked.

  

     "He…or she… will be as perfect and wonderful as the two we already have.' Harm replied.

 

            "But this one is ours, biologically, I mean. What if we treat it differently?"

 

   "We won't."

 

               "Someday Kasey or Kinsey may ask us if we love this one more than them."

 

       "It would not be possible to love more than we feel for them, Sweetheart."

 

   "Of course you're right." Then after a pause, "I know you want this one to be a boy. What if it's not. What if it's another girl?"

  

                   "Then, I'll have the three most perfect daughters in the world, I guess."

 

        "We'll have to be careful not to say that it looks like you or it looks like me or things like that. Then, the girls won't feel less part of us."

 

               "Well, I don't know if things like that depend entirely on biology, Babe. Kinsey is every bit as stubborn as you are."

 

   "And Kasey has all of your charm."

 

           Back in front of their house, they shared a long kiss before rejoining the party.

 

     January 8, 2006

 

   "Are you sure about the name?" Harm asked, as he watched his wife holding their newborn son.

                

                 "I insist." Mac responded.

 

      "Well, okay.” he reluctantly agreed. Then wrote it down for the nurse: Harmon Rabb III.

 

                 "That's quite a name you've got on you, Trey.' He said to his son.

 

        Harm brought the girls in; at 5 years and 14 months, they could be quite a handful sometimes.

 

              After kissing her daughters and showing them their new brother, Mac had a moment of flashback.

 

    In her mind, she saw the night so long ago, at Admiral Chegwidden's retirement party, when her world had collapsed. But now, that seemed a faint remembrance in this new world full of love and happiness. She was more happy and more complete than she had ever imagined she could be.

 

THE END (OR THE BEGINNING?)