Title: Flying Away 9: Flying at Half Mast
Author: Anne Taul, anne_taul@gowebway.com

Summary: The death of a close friend causes Harm and Mac to reassess their relationship and face their own mortality.

Disclaimer: JAG, its characters, premise, etc, are the sole and exclusive property of CBS, Paramount and Bellasarius productions. No profit is being made or sought from this purely recreational endeavor. No infringement of copyright is intended.

 

Flying Away 9: Flying at Half Mast

Sarah Mackenzie took a sip from her coffee cup, then set it back down on her desk. She picked up the file she was reading as if to get a closer examination. With a pencil, she carefully circled something, then lay it back down. Her eyes caught some movement in the bullpen area outside her office. She couldn't believe what she thought she was seeing.

There was Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb, her best friend, and for the past several months, her secret lover. What was he doing here?

Harm hadn't called to say he was coming to town, or written her a letter, or anything. She hadn't expected to see him, but there he was. She could think of no reason why he might show up in Washington unannounced. Something was wrong.

Mac watched him exit the elevator and walk across the hall. He wasn't coming toward her office. How strange! He stopped, instead, in front of the copy machine, where he began talking to the admiral. As far as Mac knew, Harm hadn't had any contact with Admiral Chegwidden since he left JAG, so she was sure that this meant that something was not right. She would have to find out what.

Major MacKenzie left her office and started toward the area where the admiral and Harm were. She had to push her way through a small crowd which was gathering to greet Harm, since most of them hadn't seen him in the months he'd been back at sea.

She made her way to a position standing beside Harm, but he didn't look at her or acknowledge her presence. Bits of the ongoing conversation began to come into focus. "Sir, apparently there was a leak in one of the control valves on the exhaust system of his F-14. They said that the waste from the burning jet fuel seeped into his oxygen supply and poisoned him."

"Was there a crash?" the admiral asked.

"No, Sir. He was able to get the Tomcat down on the deck, but he collapsed and never recovered."

"That's a shame." Chegwidden replied.

Mac's mind was racing. Who? What?

"Anyway, Admiral, Captain Boone and I were always close, so I've been asked to be a pallbearer at the funeral day after tomorrow. That's why I'm in town."

Now Mac's head was spinning. The CAG was dead? Poor Harm.

She reached out and took hold of his hand, and said, "I'm sorry, Harm."

He squeezed her hand. Harm recognized this as a supportive but nonintimate gesture that she felt she could safely make in public without betraying their relationship.

When Harm had finished his discussion with the admiral, she asked him, "Do you want to talk?"

"Okay." He consented and followed her to her office.

Once they were safely alone in the confines of her office, she closed the door and looked into his eyes.

"You're really hurting!" she concluded.

"I'll be okay." He assured her. "It was just a shock, that's all."

Finally, the truth hit her. "Oh god, Harm! This is like losing part of your father all over again, isn't it."

"Well, he and my dad were close."

She stepped to him, and caught him in a fierce embrace. His arms wound themselves around her, needing to feel her close.

Harm whispered into her hair, "People out there can see us. Isn't this going to tip them off to our relationship?"

She looked up into his face, but pulled away when he moved to try to kiss her. "No, not necessarily. Everybody knows we're close friends, and a friend might well give another friend a hug when he has lost someone close to him. People won't think anything different."

They sat down and talked for a while. Harm finally said, "At least I'll get to go to his funeral. I always wished I could have done at least that much for my dad."

"You can get all his personal effects taken care of tomorrow, then bury him the next day. Why did he list you as next of kin on his paper work?"

"It surprised me, too. I guess he always thought of me as the son he never had. So, I'll go to the funeral, accept the flag and be that son for him."

"I'll go with you."

"I'd like that, but you better check with the admiral before you plan anything."

"I will. Why don't you take my car and go on home. I'll be there when I can." She dangled the keys in front of him. "I know how you like to drive the corvette."

Harm agreed and arranged to pick her up when she got off.

30 MINUTES LATER
ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN'S OFFICE


"So, Sir, I was thinking that, in order to show our support for Commander Rabb, and this office's respect for Captain Boone, I should represent us at the service. I worked with the captain on several cases, and I did have a great deal of respect for him. His death is a great loss to the Navy, Sir."

"I agree, Major. You could certainly carry all of our good will to the funeral, and let Harm know that we're thinking about him. I feel like I should go myself, but I have a meeting then that just can't be postponed, with the Attorney General's office. You go and represent JAG."

Thank you, Sir." Mac responded, as she left the admiral's office.

Several hours later, when Mac was preparing to leave the office, Harm appeared again. This time he walked straight to her and pulled her into her office, for privacy.

"Harm, what...?"

"I want to take you out to a nice dinner tonight." He informed her. "I haven't seen you for over a month, so don't even think about saying no."

"It sounds great." She said, "But I'll have to go home and change clothes first."

"No, you don't."

"If you think that I'm going to be seen at a fancy restaurant with my boyfriend, wearing this uniform, you've got another think coming." She was emphatic.

"I thought of that." He stated. "There's a change of clothes -that really nice blue dress I like, outt in the car. You can change here. I didn't bring it in, so nobody would know that I've been at your apartment or that you're going out with me."

"Discretion is the better part of valor." She complimented him.

"I love you." He concluded.

THAT EVENING


The dinner was wonderful. Afterward, they took a long walk along the Potomac. Still later, they found themselves at the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial.

"Thomas Boone was my dad's roommate and best friend on the Hornet. They flew together for several years. I flew with the CAG myself. He used to tell me stories about my dad. Being with him always made me feel closer to dad. You know Mac, he flew a lot of dangerous missions, but he always came back. After all that, it doesn't seem right that he was the victim of a freak accident."

"No, it's not fair." She agreed. Her arms circled his waist and brought him close. He responded by returning her hug and lifting her face up towards him. This time, she welcomed the kiss.

Back at home, they went to bed and renewed the bond so easily strained by long distance romances. They both thought about how wonderful it was to be together, if only temporarily. Soon they fell asleep.

Harm woke up sometime in the middle of the night. It took him a moment to get his bearings and remember where he was. He thought that Mac would know exactly what time it was, but he didn't. As he was thinking about her, he reached for her. His intention was to draw her into a tight embrace, to feel her with him. But she wasn't there. His hand patted all around her side of the bed, but nothing. He softly whispered her name, "Sarah." There was no response. Then he heard a quiet sound from the next room.

Harm walked into the living room to see Mac curled up on the couch. Hr wondered why she was sleeping out here. But wait, she wasn't sleeping. Looking closer, he could see a slight tremble in her body, and he could hear a faint sob. She was crying! His senses went instantly to alert.

He lowered himself onto the couch behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "What is it?" he asked quietly.

"Captain Boone was killed in an accident. There was nothing he could have done to stop it or prevent it. It just happened. It could just happen to anybody. It could happen to you."

"Aw, Honey," he spoke carefully, unsure of exactly what he was going to say, "nothing's going to happen to me."

There was fire in her eyes, and her voice was raised, a little bit. "You don't know that, Harm! There's no way that you can be sure!"

"Nothing's a hundred percent certain, but, Sweetheart, statistically, most pilots make it back alive."

"I don't want a statistic to keep me warm, I want you!"

"I know. That's what I want too, more than anything. But life is full of risks. We can't avoid then entirely."

"But Harm, we never talk about that at all. We never acknowledge how dangerous your job is. We really should discuss things like that."

By now, he was holding her tightly in his arms. She clung to him. "Sarah, we will talk about it. You're right, we should. Let's talk about it tomorrow. Right now, we really should get some sleep."

"Okay." She agreed, to his amazement.

The following morning, they awoke to the familiar and satisfying feel of being locked in each other's arms. Harm kissed her forehead, then went to make her breakfast while she got into the shower.

He handed her a steaming cup of coffee when she emerged from the bedroom, asking, "Are you sure you don't mind if I use your car today to run all these errands?"

"No, of course not. Like I told you before, I know you love to drive the 'vette. Just don't forget to pick me up after work."

"Trust me, I could never forget when it's time for you to come home to me."

"And tonight, we'll talk about what we put off last night."

"Yes Ma'am."

Harm's day was full of revelations about the CAG, a man he had thought he knew so well. He took care of all the arrangements, went to the reading of the will, signed papers and marveled that a man could live an entire life, and this is all that is left. He did the business, but mostly, as he drove from place to place, he thought about Mac. The image of waking up to find her crying in the night really stuck with him.

He never meant to cause her such pain. If that's what their relationship brought, maybe it wasn't worth it.

While he was out, Harm went by Naval personnel to change some things on his record, and saw an attorney about changes to his will.

Back at the apartment, he began preparing for Mac's return.

On the ride home, after he picked her up at the office, she questioned him about his day. He suggested that they should talk about it later. Then he changed the subject by recommending maintenance checks for the corvette. After all, this wasn't just a car, it was a precision machine.

BACK AT MAC'S PLACE


When he opened the door for her, a wonderfully tantalizing aroma filled the air. It was the smell of food - food that was ready to eat.

She smiled. "What did you do?"

"Not much. I just cooked a little dinner.

He ushered her in and presented her with a bouquet of long-stem red roses.

"Oh Harm. Thank you."

"Well, it's something I know you like. You'll like the dinner too, I guarantee it."

Soon the stereo played soft strains of classical music to create a romantic atmosphere.

After dinner, they sat on the floor in front of the couch. His arms were wrapped around her from behind, as she reclined against his chest.

"Tell me about your day." She prompted.

"Well, I went to the personnel offices to close out the CAG's accounts and insurance and so forth. Then I went to the civilian attorney's office while he probated the will. Mac, you'll never believe who he left his estate to."

"If he listed you as his next of kin, did he leave it to you?"

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean, 'not exactly'?"

He pulled her tighter in his embrace. "He left it in two parts. Part of it he left to the Navy's widows and orphans fund."

"Sounds like a worthy cause."

"Yeah, it really is."

"So, what did he do with the other part?"

"He left it in an educational trust for my children."

"Really?"

"Yeah, there was a letter that he left me with it. The letter said that I was the closest thing he'd ever had to a child of his own, so my kids would be like his own grandchildren."

"Harm, that's sweet."

"Yes, and it means that our kids will have a heads up on their education."

"Our kids?"

"Yeah."

"Are you telling me that you want us to have a baby?"

"Sure, I do. Someday. You know that."

"I thought maybe you were trying to tell me that you wanted it to be right now."

"No, right now isn't the best time."

"I agree."

"But you know, Sarah," he began with a somber tone, "being out there doing all this stuff today, really made me think. If something ever does happen to me, I want you to go on. I want you to love somebody else, and have our family without me."

"She stopped him. "Harm, without you, there can't be any 'our family.'"

"Okay. I want you to do all the things you want to do, then. If I'm not here, I want you to be happy."

"I'm not sure I can ever be happy without you, so, if you want my happiness, you better just come back to me."

"Darling, I plan to, but you never know. Just in case something should ever happen, I thought you ought to know how I felt."

She turned in his arms to face him. "Well, Flyboy, I've been thinking a lot about this today too. If something happens to me..."

He stopped her with a finger over her lips. "Don't say that! Sarah, don't even think that! If anything happened to you, I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't continue."

She gently bit his finger. "Yes, you could! You'd have to. I'd expect it."

"Honey, let's not talk about this anymore." As he said it, he nibbled her earlobes and tried to distract her.

"Hey Sailor, I know my job's not as risky as yours, but there are times when I'm involved in dangerous cases."

"Yeah, I know that, and I don't want to think about it."

"Harm, we have to face the realities if this is going to be a meaningful conversation. And the reality is, if something happens to me, I want you to fall in love with somebody new, then forget all about me."

"I could never forget you."

"The only way you can build a real life with somebody is if you put the past totally behind you. Promise me."

By this time he was crying. "No wonder you hate it so much every time I go back to the ship, just the thought of you being in danger is more than I can deal with."

"Yeah. I do know that feeling."

"Be careful, please?"

"I am careful. What about you, are you going to be careful and not fly around showing off?"

"Extra careful now." He confirmed. "Today I changed my record to name you as my next of kin."

"Do you think that was wise? If anything happened, then everybody'd know about us."

"If I'm dead, I want everybody to know. I wouldn't want people to think I died without getting a clue about the most beautiful woman in the world."

She reached up to kiss him softly.

He responded with passion and fire.

When he stood up, he pulled her up with him.

They stood locked in a tight embrace for several minutes before he said he was tired.

Once in the bedroom, she got quickly into the bed. When he joined her, he hugged her close and whispered, "Don't ever leave me."

"You're stuck with me." She replied.

Falling asleep, they both reflected on the importance, if not the difficulty of examining these possibilities.

IN THE MORNING


"What time is the service?" Mac asked, getting out of bed.

"1400." He informed her.

"Then, I need to go to the office until lunch. I can meet you at the chapel, if you like."

They arranged, instead, that he would keep the car, and pick her up.

Harm lay in the bed and watched her dress. "How did I ever get lucky enough to meet a lady like you?" he asked.

She didn't respond, but leaned over to kiss him instead.

After he let her off at JAG, he went to the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. Finding the familiar spot on the wall which bore his father's name, he spoke quietly to the man he hadn't seen since he was 5 years old. He told about the CAG's death and how much he loved Mac. He wanted his dad to know that he was going to have to change the way he flew, because he needed to be there for her. He was sure his dad would have understood.

SAME DAY
1400 HOURS
CHAPEL OF THE SEAS


They arrived to find a large crowd had already assembled. They were seated in the front, on the family pew.

A whole conglomerate of people got up to speak in order to pay homage to Captain Thomas Boone. When it was his turn, Harm was choked up, but got through it. Mac held his hand as he sat back down.

At the cemetery, a squadron of F-14s flew an overhead salute, and tears began to break through and fall down Harm's cheeks. When the Naval honor guard presented him with the flag, Mac grasp his arm to lend her support.

THAT EVENING


After the funeral, they went straight home. Mac took the dark jacket of her dress uniform off and draped it over the back of a chair.

Harm whispered hoarsely, "Thank you for being with me."

She enclosed him in her arms and just held him.

A little later, they found their way to the couch, where he cried and sobbed fiercely.

"I don't know why I'm acting like this." He lamented.

"Harm, you just lost a good friend, and ...another link to your father."

"You're the only person who would understand."

"I know." She affirmed. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight against her chest while he sobbed.

"Let it out." She encouraged him, "Let go of it, Baby. Just let it all out."

They were drained, physically and emotionally, so they fell to sleep there on the couch.

Just before dawn, he shook violently and screamed out her name. This brought her to full alertness. She quickly figured it out.

"It's okay." She reassured him. "It was only a bad dream."

He held onto her like a drowning man might cling to a life preserver.

By 1000 they were at the airport for him to catch his flight. It had been a short and emotionally charged visit, but each of them had the sense that they understood the relationship a little better now.

Harm had learned that some of the senior pilots in the fleet were being reassigned to different ships to balance out "the experience curve." He suspected that he could be asked to leave the Carmudgeon, so she was anxious to have him call soon with news.

The farewell was teary and sweet. Then he was gone, and they were both left to deal, once again, with the pain and sadness of a long distance romance. Perhaps a bit wiser.