Title: Flying Away 14: Rough Seas
Author: Anne Taul, anne_taul@gowebway.com
Summary: Harm and Mac's long distance romance hits the rocks. Can it be salvaged?
Disclaimer: JAG, its characters, premise, etc, are the sole and exclusive property of CBS, Paramount and Bellasarius productions. No profit is being made or sought from this purely recreational endeavor. No infringement of copyright is intended.

 

Flying Away 14: Rough Seas

"And what's that supposed to mean?" As she said it, Sarah MacKenzie rolled over, on the bed onto her right side, and shifted the phone from one ear to the other. Her voice clearly indicated more than just a slight annoyance.

She listened only a moment to Harm talking on the other end before she spat into the receiver, with a venomous tone, "I don't think I want to have this conversation with you tonight. It would be a mistake for us to keep this up right now."

It was then that she heard the words that would later cut her too deeply to even think about. Her best friend for over three years, her lover for the past 15 months, the man she thought was like no other, shouted into the telephone, from thousands of miles away, "Yeah? Well, just maybe everything between us is a mistake. If we can't talk this out, then maybe we don't need to talk at all, ever. Maybe this whole relationship should never have started. We'd be better off if we just ended it now."

"I guess you're right." She answered, equally as rudely.

"Then it's settled. Goodbye." With this he broke the long distance, ship to shore connection.

Mac hung up the phone, took a deep breath and then, threw a pillow across the room so hard that a lamp was knocked off a table, causing it to break.

She quickly pulled on her running shoes and headed outside to work off some of this tension mounting up inside her.

LATER


She rounded a corner in the nearby park and ran toward home. With every hit her feet made onto the pavement, she heard those words vibrate through her head again, "everything between us is a mistake ....this whole relationship should never have started ...we'd be better off if we just ended it now ....goodbye."

She'd never had a fight like this with Harm before. Oh, sure, they'd argued, but never anything like this. It occurred to her that it was probably better to find out now, than farther into the relationship. But, had they really said goodbye? Surely this wasn't the way it would end. Oh, well, it was better if it was over between them. The long distance relationship had never been easy. Now she wouldn't have to worry about when, or if, she'd see him next. It was better this way.

As she entered her building again, she wondered how long it would be before he called back to apologize and make everything right.

Mac jumped into the shower and relished in the sensation of the warm water washing over her.

She toweled off and got into bed. It had been an exhausting day.

Harm hung up the phone, and walked slowly away. Had he really said that, that they should call the whole relationship off? Well, they hardly ever got to see each other anyway, so maybe this was for the best.

He walked out on the weather deck of the USS Coral Sea and leaned against the railing. The stars were bright and beautiful. They made him think of Mac. He'd have to tell her, he thought to himself. But no, he corrected his thoughts. She wasn't his girlfriend anymore, was she? It seemed very final. Why had he said that?

The galley was on his way, so he stopped for a cup of coffee on his way back to his quarters. The dark liquid swirled around as he watched it sitting at his desk. He picked up a framed picture of her from the desk. She was so beautiful. Her dark eyes stared out of the frame at him. She could always see right into his soul.

Harm thought about holding her in his arms. This was what had gotten him through many lonely and frightening nights aboard the ship. Now, would that ever happen again. Something inside of him ached for her. But... He couldn't just call her back and tell her he'd made a mistake, could he? Besides it wasn't a mistake; it was all for the best. She deserved more than a man she never saw. This probably wouldn't be upsetting her so much, so why was it gnawing at him?

Then he stopped. What if it was upsetting her too much? What if she was terribly hurt? Harm definitely couldn't bear the thought of her in pain. He got up and walked back out to the public phones. He'd just call to make sure she was okay, that's all.

When the phone rang, Mac put down the book she'd been reading and answered it slowly.

"Oh, Harm, it's you."

"Yeah, Mac, it's me. Are you okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" she lied. She wiped tears out of the corners of her eyes, but determined not to let him hear any evidence of them.

"I just thought that since we don't usually fight that way ..."

"Well, I can hold my own against you any day, Flyboy."

"Honey, maybe we should talk about this. I don't want us to make any hasty decisions, here."

"There's nothing to talk about, Harm. You said your piece. Now, we probably just need to take a break for a while. We can talk another time, if you want to." Her heart was breaking. She'd never been dumped quite this way before.

"If you're sure that you're okay ..?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Talk to you soon. Bye."

"Bye."

Mac hung up the phone and collapsed onto her bed sobbing. It was a long, sleepless night in the apartment in Georgetown. Mac played and replayed the events in her mind. What went wrong? What were they even arguing about anyway? She really couldn't remember. She counted every irregularity in the ceiling paint at least a dozen times. She could see his face in every shadow that fell across the room.

Why had she assumed that this would last forever. Her track record with men, alone, should have indicated that it was temporary, at best. But .. This relationship had been different. Nothing was ever as good for her as with Harm. She really was going to miss him. Damn!!

To make matters worse, every time she tried to close her eyes, she could feel his touch on her skin or his arms around her. Yes, she loved him, and she really regretted it. If only she didn't ...

Harm hung up the telephone and rammed his closed fist into the wall. She obviously didn't care anything for him; their fight hadn't even phased her. He felt like a part of him was missing - the best part. If only he didn't love her so much.. But, he wouldn't give into that. He'd get over her quickly, he promised himself.

Back in his bunk, he heard every little sound on the entire ship all night long. He hugged his pillow tightly against his chest. He wouldn't have admitted that it was because that was the way he liked to hold her. It just was not satisfying. Harm tossed and turned; sleep was not going to visit him on this night.

As soon as she got to work the next morning, Mac accessed the Navy's ship to shore communication system that was used for official information exchange. The lawyers often used this network to contact witnesses who were deployed at sea, when face to face meeting wasn't feasible.

She had the USS Coral Sea's com station patch her directly through to the pilot's ward room. A young voice answered the call, "Flight room, this is Lt. Watson."

Mac swallowed hard, "This is Lt. Colonel MacKenzie calling from Washington. May I speak to Lt. Commander Rabb, please?" She really wasn't sure what she planned to say to him, but they did need to talk.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but he's not here."

"Well, would you go and get him please?"

"Ma'am, he's not aboard ship right now."

"What? Well, where is he?" She was just a bit annoyed.

"He's in the air, Ma'am. He had an early flight this morning. He should land in an hour or so, could I take a message for him?"

This was too important. She sure wasn't going to leave a message with someone she didn't even know. "No, thank you, Lieutenant. This is something that needs to be handled directly. Might I speak with Commander Morgan, that is if he's not in the air, too?"

"No, Ma'am, he's right here. Just a minute."

She heard the sound go muffled as the lieutenant covered the mouthpiece with his hand, then said, "Hey, Morgan, some Colonel from D.C. wants to talk to you."

In a moment, she was talking to Harm's bunkmate. "Ben, when I talked to Harm last night, he wasn't himself. He was distracted or upset or something. We even argued, badly. Is there something going on with him? Is he all right?"

"Sarah, I don't really know what to tell you. Harm's having a rough time right now. I don't know any specifics, but he's a mess. He told me that you guys broke up. That's not really true is it?"

"Well , I'm not sure. We left things pretty indefinite. He was so angry, and that's not like him. Truthfully, I don't even remember what we were arguing about. Did he tell you anything?"

"No, not really, but he didn't sleep. I was really kind of worried about him taking this early flight this morning after such a sleepless night. He can't be a hundred percent.'

"Oh, god! He's not in any danger, is he?"

"Naw, Harm's smart. I'm sure he can handle it. But what about this stuff between the two of you? Can I help you make up? I think Harm needs you back before e's going to be any better."

"Did he say that?"

"No, not exactly. You know he wouldn't. But he loves you, Sarah"

"I know he does, but he doesn't want to be with me right now."

"You're wrong. How about you, Sarah? Are you okay?"

"I miss him already."

"Should I tell him that you called?"

"Sure."

"will do. If you think of anything I can do to help the two of you, just give me a call, Colonel."

Mac hung up the phone, but she wondered, as she did if that -her rank - might have anything to do with why her relationship was on the rocks. After all, she was his superior officer now.

WARD ROOM
USS CORAL SEA
LATER


It had been a long flight. Harm took his coffee and sat down at a table. Ben Morgan sat down across from him. "Hey, Buddy, Mac called while you were in the air."

"Really?" Harm was about to show some interest in this news until the third party joined them.

Lieutenant Rebecca Carson was new to the Coral Sea. The new RIO was very young and noticeably attractive. Her blonde hair framed her face, and a wisp of it fell across her forehead. Her blue eyes were animated and expressive, and her voluptuous body curved in all the right places. It would have been hard for any man not to notice her. And she had, obviously noticed Harm.

As Carson sipped her coffee, she stared directly into Harm's eyes, almost inviting him to move closer.

"Who's Mac?" she asked, interjecting into the conversation.

Without even thinking, Harm spoke from the pain that had gripped him, "My roommate back in D. C."

"Oh." She commented, moving her chair a little closer.

After a few minutes hesitation, Harm returned her gaze with one that seemed to invite her even closer.

Ben Morgan, knowing that three was a crowd, excused himself. He caught Harm's eyes, "Don't do it, Harm." He advised.

When they were alone, Rebecca Carson talked Harm into a walk out on the weather deck. She walked very close to him and slipped her hand into his.

At first, this felt very good. It really was nice to be holding a small female hand. He squeezed it slightly.

When they stopped to look out over the sea, he turned to say something to her, and it hit him like a ton of bricks.

No matter how comfortable this had felt, this was not Mac. He was shocked by what he saw, and pulled his hand away. Harm couldn't believe that he had let himself get so caught up in the feeling that his mind had wandered away to try to bring Mac to him.

"What's wrong, Harm?" Rebecca questioned.

"Nothing, I just have to make a phone call."

He hurried to the telephones. Swiping his card, he dialed a familiar number, and heard, "JAG, this is Petty Officer Tiner. How may I direct your call?"

He asked for Colonel MacKenzie, but didn't identify himself.

The phone rang twice before he heard her pick it up. "We need to talk." He said.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes. Whatever's going on between us, we need to stop it."

He meant that they needed to put an end to the current misunderstanding. What she heard, though, was that they needed to put an end to everything between them.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Of course, I'm sure. It's nothing but torture, for me, anyway. I wish we could talk in person, but I guess this will have to do."

"If that's the way you feel, then we really don't have anything to say to each other."

"Harm, let's not make any decisions about what we need right now. I think maybe we need to just take a break from each other for a while. Let's see what happens, okay?"

"Okay, if that's the way you want it." He conceded.

"I think it's best." She concluded. "We'll just keep our distance. We need a break. Give me a little time, we'll see what happens."

It sounded so final to him as he hung up the phone. She had really broken up with him.

Rebecca Carson was still in the corridor, waiting for him. They walked and talked, about nothing in particular. They had both been assigned to the same training maneuvers in the squadron requalification exercises tomorrow, so they would be seeing a lot of each other

Harm looked into the pretty face and bright blue eyes, but in his mind, all he could see was a beautiful woman with dark hair and warm brown eyes - a woman he somehow knew that he would love forever, whatever might have happened between them.

He leaned in and lightly kissed the waiting lips. The woman responded, but it was not the familiar kiss he was expecting. He opened his eyes to see Rebecca Carson. He sharply pulled away.

"What's wrong?" she asked

"Nothing," he lied, but added, "I just can't do this, Rebecca. I'm sorry."

"What's her name?" Rebecca queried.

He didn't even bother to deny it. He just smile. "Sarah, her name is Sarah."

"And where is Sarah?"

"She's back home in Washington"

"Do you miss her?"

"Yeah, so much."

"Too bad." She said, sadly. "We could've been good together, but I'm not interested in another girl's guy."

"She broke up with me." He confessed.

Rebecca reached up to wiped the smeared lipstick from his lips. "She's still inside you where it counts. Fight for her."

When Harm got back to his bunk, Morgan was still awake. "What happened to Lt. Bombshell?" he asked.

"Lt. Bombshell?" Harm repeated

"Yeah, that's what the guys in the squadron call her."

"She's very nice." Was all Harm would say before he went to bed.

Mac buried herself in the paperwork which had formed mountains on her desk. It was long neglected, and after this last telephone conversation with Harm, she needed something to keep her really busy. It was amazing how soon she had really made a significant dent in it.

Bud Roberts came in to pick up the files as she finished them. He commented on the pace and energy of her work. But finally he asked, "Is there something wrong, Colonel?"

"Why do you say that, Bud?" as she handed him another stack of folders.

"I've just never seen you work like this."

"I'm motivated." She answered, simply.

After a while, the young lieutenant approached her differently. "Ma'am, what are your plans for tonight?"

"I'll be right here until all this is finished." She sighed, then, "Why do you ask?"

"Harriet told me to invite you to dinner. We really would love to have you, and AJ needs to see his godmother. With Commander Rabb out of town, you're all he has, well, besides me and Harriet, of course."

Mac was convinced to accept the invitation before he had mentioned Harm. She really wished he hadn't.

"Sure, Bud, I'd love to come, thank you."

"Great." Bud smiled.

"What time should I be there?"

"About 7?" he offered.

"Sounds good." She agreed.

Mac worked for a little while longer, then left the office early. She wanted time to change clothes and pick up a little gift for AJ. It would be from her, and Harm. AJ deserved two adoring godparents.

BACK ABOARD THE CORAL SEA


"Ben, I just can't stand it, anymore. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My flying is getting sloppy. I'm a mess without her."

"Harm, does she know that this cruise is over in two days?"

"No, I didn't get the chance to tell her. I wanted us to meet somewhere to spend my time off together.. Since I'm leaving the Coral Sea, I won't have to go into prep with you guys for her next deployment, so I get about three weeks off before I have to report to my next assignment aboard the SeaHawk."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know, I don't feel anything anymore."

"Dammit, Harm, go get her. Make it right."

Mac held AJ on her lap after dinner, while he played with the stuffed animal she had brought him. "This is what life is about." She thought to herself. Bud and Harriet had everything, and it was perfect. There was a part, deep inside of her, that wished she and Harm could be living this life. Another part, a vocal part, just wished he were here so she cold talk to him.

When Bud took the baby in to get him ready for bed, Harriet sat down next to her. "Colonel ..Mac, there's a really nice guy I'd like you to meet. Wait, before you say no, he's a single father with a two year old little girl, Amanda. She's so precious. She's in AJ's play group. The man, her father, is widowed. He's great with Amanda, and seems really nice. I told him a little about you. Why don't you let me invite you both to dinner next week?" Harriet finished her speech and sat back to hear Mac's rejection.

"Okay, Harriet. It might do me some good to spend some time with a decent guy. I'd love to meet your friend, as long as you promise not to try to "force" anything. We'll just see if we get along."

"Oh, I won't force anything, I just want you to meet him. What? Are you serious? You'll really do it?"

"Sure, why not?"

"How about Thursday night?"

"Sure, that sounds fine. What time should I be here?"

FRIDAY NIGHT


Mac moved the salad around on her plate with a wandering fork, as she looked absently over the shoulder of her companion. Thursday night dinner at Bud and Harriet's house had gone well, so she had accepted a dinner date for the next evening with Russ Newman. He was a nice enough man, but he was boring. Mac could hardly keep her mind on what he was saying.

"Sarah? Sarah?" his voice finally penetrated her fog.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Russ. What were you saying?"

"It's not important. Where were you?"

She decided that a second date was probably not the right time to tell a guy that you were dreaming about another man. Instead, she just said, "I was just thinking."

"Some pretty deep thoughts."

"Oh, I don't know."

"Well, do you want to tell me about it?"

"I don't think so. Until recently, I was involved in a relationship. It was a really serious one, at least I thought it was a serious one. The way it ended, I guess not."

"Who is he?"

"He was my best friend, but now I guess he's not even that."

"Do you still love him?"

"I'm afraid so. Oh, Russ, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'd give anything for a woman to get that look on her face when she was thinking about me."

There was a pause. Mac was embarrassed to have put her date in this uncomfortable position.

Russ Newman didn't seem too put off by it, though. After a while, he picked up her hand in his and looked into her eyes, "Sarah, I once had a love like that, and I lost it. My wife died; there was nothing I could do about it, but I wouldn't have wanted to have lost one single minute of our time together. I can never get that back. Don't make that mistake. Now, I know it's none of my business, but you're hurting. Go get your guy and tell him so."

"I don't think he'd care. It was his idea for us to break up."

"I can't believe that any man wouldn't care about you. Give the guy a chance. I'm sure he regrets whatever happened as much as you do."

She hoped that maybe this new friend was right. No other man was ever going to be able to take Harm's place, so she would have to try to figure out what went wrong between them. She remembered they had fought, but she couldn't remember what about.

Later that night, at home after a hot shower, she picked up the phone and placed a call.

She was startled by what she found. The communication officer aboard the Coral Sea told her Harm wasn't aboard. They had docked in their home port of Norfolk, and most of the crew members had gone ashore.

He was in Norfolk! It was hard to believe that he was that close and hadn't even called. In the old days, she would have driven to meet him, and they would already have spent several hours together. Their romance was over, but would she never even see him again? The thought was like a sharp object poking through her chest. It was difficult to breath. Obviously, she would have to get along without him from now on. But, could she live without him? Did she want to?

Life with Harm, it had been a beautiful dream. That's all it had been, though, a dream. It wasn't meant to be. As the profound sadness and emptiness settled over her, she slipped into her bed. Maybe a good night's sleep would make this all look different in the morning. She hoped so.

Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb hoisted his duffle bag onto his shoulder and walked down the gangplank of the USS Coral Sea for the last time. This had been a good duty station, he was almost sorry to be moving on. At the bottom, he saluted the skipper, Captain Langley and shook hands with Ben Morgan. The two pilots promised to keep in touch, but both knew that those type promises were often hard to keep. With a heavy sigh, he closed his eye and thought of -her. Actually, she was all he could think about.

The thought that he might be able to be with Mac forever had been a wonderful idea. It was one that, obviously, wasn't coming to fruition, but it had been a glorious possibility. He tossed the bag into the back of his Lexus SUV, and climbed in.

So sad, when good love goes bad!

0315 HRS
GEORGETOWN


The night had turned very cold. After a late Fall warm snap, winter had arrived in D.C. with a vengeance.. In her sleep, Mac unconsciously snuggled a little farther under the covers. Suddenly, her instinct took over. She was certain that someone was watching her. Her weapon was in the bedside table. She wouldn't be able to get to it quickly enough if someone was already in the room. Her mind raced, automatically calculating defense strategies. How could anyone have gotten into the apartment in the middle of the night without waking her? Had she forgotten to lock the door? No, she was sure she had turned the deadbolt.

Slowly and with great caution, she started to open her eyes, not all the way, just enough to get a peek.

The unmistakable sound of breathing sent a wave of panic through her body. She was at full alert.

Her eyelids raised just a bit, enough to make out the form of an unannounced man, staring at her. Mac's heart leaped into her throat. Her fists clenched, and she prepared physically for a "fight or flight" response.

As her eyes began to focus, she let out a sigh, "Harm! What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?"

Rabb's face lit up and his eyes sparkled. "Well, I live here, or, at least, I used to. I have a key."

She ran her fingers through her hair, without lifting her head from the pillow, "Why are you looking at me that way?"

"I was just watching you sleep. You really are beautiful." With that confession, his expression got a little more serious.

"Do you think so?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

She shivered involuntarily from the still falling temperature.

"Are you okay, Sarah?"

"Yeah, I'm just cold."

"Should I get you another blanket?"

"No." By this time, she had melted into his gaze.

She lifted the covers on the bed and indicated the place next to her, "I guess you could just help me get warmed up a little."

"Really?" he asked, trying not to appear too eager.

She nodded.

In one fluid motion, Harm kicked off his shoes and slid in beside her. His arms automatically circled her waist and brought her close. A small sigh of pleasure escaped her as she snuggled against his chest.

"What happened to us, Harm?" se asked.

"Honestly, I don't know .I can't even remember what we fought about."

"Me either."

He laughed.

"Sarah, we need to talk. We have to figure out what's going on in our relationship. We need to know where it's headed. Honey, we should be making plans."

She an a hand over his jawline as she inquired, "How long are you going to be home, Sailor?"

"The cruise on the Coral Sea is finished. She's back in her home port now."

"So, you're never leaving again?"

Harm smoothed back her hair and kissed her forehead lightly, "Sweetie, I have orders to report to the Seahawk."

"When?" then she sat up in the bed and exclained, "On Monday! Oh no, Harm, we only have two days!"

"No, Baby. I report in three weeks."

"We have three weeks together. We've never had that long. Let's stay right here the whole time."

"That sounds nice, but we need to deal with issues about our future. There's someplace I'd like to take you for a few days."

"Where?" as she ask it, she kissed his neck.

"To Pennsylvania. I want you to meet my grandmother."

"Sarah?"

"Yeah. I know you'll like her, and she's going to absolutely love you."

"Sure, I'd follow you, anywhere, Flyboy."

He pulled her even closer, wrapping his body around her. Then he kissed her, deply and passionately.

Sarah MacKenzie fell into a contented and peaceful sleep.