Periods Of Unrest

Harry spent the better part of the day crying his eyes out.  He could feel quite intensely the failure of his love affair.  And what hurt the most was that while he had accepted, in the abstract, that this affair might come to an end quite abruptly; he wasn't happy that it did.  He was hurt about his friends' ultimatum, and he was sad about his giving up Lucius. After his crying bout, he started getting somewhat angry, what right did Ron and Hermione have to give him the ultimatum?  Why couldn't they just accept that he was happy with Lucius?  Wasn't he entitled to his own happiness?  No matter what he thought about their relationship with each other, he had supported them when they told him of their burgeoning relationship, and stood by them as they muddled through their teenage angst and came to the semblance of a relationship.  Why didn't they accord him the same support and respect his choice?

Admittedly, if either of them had told him that they were getting into an intimately relationship with Lucius Malfoy, his first reaction would have been that they needed psychiatric evaluation, but he would have gotten used to it, and accepted it, with time.  While he wouldn't swear to it, he was quite sure, that under no circumstances would he have given them the ultimatum.

Why did they choose to do otherwise?  Didn't they know that it would hurt him?  They were asking him to choose between friendship and his love, and it was a painful choice to make, it would be for anyone, not just him.  By the time the evening meal came around, Harry had moved on from his pain and tears, to hurt and anger and then, on to antipathy.  It really was a good thing that Ron and Hermione made them selves scarce during this time, because with the way he was feeling, he was likely to say something that he would regret and cause irreparable damage to their friendship.

Eating was the last thing on his mind though, so he didn't bother going down to the mess hall.  Rather, he cried himself to sleep and woke up around midnight.  His first glance showed him that all his roommates were all asleep, so he quickly put on his robes and picked up his map and invisibility cloak and left the Gryffindor Tower.

Luckily for him, he encountered no one on his walk, and took that time to re-think his situation.  The most glaring thought for him was, : Did he make the right decision in breaking up with Lucius? :

Maybe not, but at the time, and even now, he couldn't think of what else he could have done.  He tried to convince himself that his choices had been limited, but that didn't help much, because he missed his lover.  When it came right down to it, He and Lucius hadn't the luxury of living in each other's pockets like normal lovers, but for him, there was a comfort in the knowledge that the other man was there.  He took his refuge in knowing that it wouldn't be long before he would find himself in Lucius' comforting arms.  Now though, he'd given it up, for the sake of 'The Light', and to preserve his friendship with his best friends, and at that very moment, he could really hate his friends for his choice.

He couldn't hate them though, because this was what being an adult was all about, making your own choices and taking responsibility for them.  His found solace in the thought that he was relinquishing the responsibility of what would happen to Lucius if they were found out to be involved.
 
What was it he'd said to Lucius?  'I don't want to lose you too, but it will end one day, and maybe, we'll still love each other enough to find our way back.'  Before he left the room, he really didn't believe that, that was possible, but now?  Would his older lover forgive him?  No matter how he phrased it, he knew that it must have seemed like he'd given Lucius up, chosen his friends over his lover.  

Harry knew how strong the Malfoy pride was, so, even if the war ended tomorrow, could he ever go back?  Even though he didn't know a whole lot about the concept of love, what little he knew told him that he wouldn't find anyone else to love as much as he'd loved Lucius.  When he stopped thinking, he discovered that he had found his way back to his tower, and went straight to bed.  He didn't have any dreams, and was glad to wakeup later in the morning.

It was Sunday, so he took the time to rest, hiding away till his friends left for breakfast.  After going through his ablutions, he checked his map and found that his best friends were having their breakfast.  A part of him was hungry, but he wasn't up to facing them so he left the tower, and went straight out to the quidditch pitch.  Sitting there in the cooling weather, he was able to stop himself from thinking.  He could be as miserable as he felt without having to put on a brave face for everyone.

: Would he ever love again? :  Harry asked himself.  

: Did he want to love anyone else? :  He also wondered.

: What would happen to the next person he loved, If his best friends didn't approve of them? :

: Would he give him up too?  And if he did, did that mean that he loved the next man less than he loved Lucius? :

: Did they have any right to choose his lover? :

: Wasn't he old enough to live and love for his own sake?:

These were the questions that went through Harry's mind as he sat in the cold and he didn't have any answers for them.  And finally, : Was he ready to talk to Ron and Hermione? :

To that, he had an answer, 'No, Absolutely not!'  But while he couldn't avoid them forever, he would do so for as long as he was able.  

Harry stayed out till it was approaching lunchtime, and went in for an early lunch.  The hall was relatively empty, so he had a quiet lunch and returned to the Gryffindor tower.  He saw Ron and Hermione sitting together, and ignored them, going straight to his room.  The look of hurt on their face put a small pang on his heart and he ignored that too.  He wasn't ready to talk to them.  When he got to his room, he took out his parchments and started on some of his homework.  The most difficult was Potions, and it was the first one he tackled.  With a silencing charm around his bed, he was able to ignore the going's on of his roommates, and the complexity of the assignment made him think.  Thinking of his schoolwork took his mind off his heartbreak, which was what he really needed.

When he got tired of Potions, he went straight on to his History of Magic homework, and didn't notice how late it was.  He still wouldn't have noticed the time, if his stomach hadn't started rambling.  To avoid his friends, he called for Dobby to get him some food and stayed behind in the dormitory while everyone else was at dinner.

As he ate, he tried to imagine what was going through Lucius' mind, and for the life of him, he couldn't come up with anything.  Thinking on it, he concluded that what hurt the most was that Lucius told him that he loved him.  It was the first time in nine months, and it must have really cost the older man to say that, unfortunately, it was a feeling he could only take with him as he left; it couldn't make him stay.  He hoped Lucius didn't hate him for that.   The thought of Lucius bearing him any ill will served to make him lose his appetite, he went back into bed, where he lay staring at nothing.  More and more thoughts kept going round his mind,

: If he were in Lucius' shoes, could he forgive him if he went back? :

Which naturally led to the question, : Did he want to go back? :

Yes, he missed Lucius and the thought of not seeing his lover anymore hurt more than he could imagine.  But he had to tell himself not to regret his decision.  Because if he started to regret it, then maybe he was trivialising his lover's life, the reason he broke up in the first place.

He lay there and heard his room mates return from their various locations.

"Harry, we haven't seen you all weekend, are you okay?"

"That's true, Harry, where have you been?"

"I'm fine, Seamus, Dean.  I've been around, doing my homework, you know."

"Ah.  You finished?"

"Most of it."

"That's okay then.  Good night." Seamus greeted him

"Night, Seamus."

When Harry saw Ron come into the room, he closed the curtains around his bed and turned his back to his friend.

"Harry."

"Harry."

Harry ignored both calls and looked out into the darkness in the room.

"Harry, you can't ignore me forever."

: But I can try. :  Harry thought to himself before closing his eyes.  Try as he might, he couldn't think of what he would be doing with his Saturdays, now that he could no longer to look forward to spending them with Lucius.  

Harry wasn't aware of falling asleep, as the next thing he knew, he was looking at one of Voldemort's meetings.  

*-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-*-**-**-*

 

Lucius, have you found it?"  Voldemort asked,

"No, my lord.  It seems to have been lost over time."

"You know better than to fail me, Lucius, crucio," Harry winced at the scream that was ripped out of his lover's throat.

"I'm sorry, my lord.  I can't find it anywhere in the ministry.  As far as they know, the department of magical artifacts lost all information about the Scepter of Tenagra over a thousand years ago."

"Lucius, I know that it can be found, I almost did 15yrs ago.  Are you telling me that I'm lying?"

"No, my lord, it's just that no-one knows where it can be found."

"That scepter is important to me, Lucius, crucio."

"Find it."  As Lucius stood on shaky feet, he answered, "Yes, my lord."

"Go.  … Wormtail, get me Nott and Parkinson."

"Yes, my lord."  Harry watched as Pettigrew left the room only to return with the two that were sent for.  With intermittent crucio curses, Voldemort asked the two men to join Lucius in his search for the 'Scepter of Tenagra'.  
*-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-*-**-**-*

 

 

By the time Harry woke up, he could almost feel the effects of the curses that Voldemort cast on his death eaters.  His first act was to write down everything that he remembered about his dream, and then he went straight to the showers and stood under the running water for a time.  This helped him with his muscles and by the time he finished, he was ready to face the rest of the day.  He didn't wait for his roommates to wake up, but went straight to the great hall to wait for breakfast.  Since he was one of the first people there, he took out one of his books and started looking through his notes, preparing for the coming classes.  Usually this would be the last thing on his mind, but since he couldn't discuss trivialities with Ron and Hermione, and he couldn't dwell on Lucius without getting depressed, he fell back on studying.

"Good morning, Harry."  He heard Hermione greet him as she came in for her breakfast but he ignored her.  Ron gave him the same greeting immediately after and he also ignored him.  While he knew that it was childish, he really didn't know what to tell them, or how to start telling them whatever.

"Harry, why are you ignoring us?"

"Harry."

"What is it, Hermione?"  He snapped at her, although quietly, to avoid drawing attention to them.

"You're ignoring us, why?"

"I'm not ignoring you, Hermione, I have nothing to say right now.  I'll see you both in class."  And with that, Harry left the hall and went straight for his Charms class.

All through the day, he was able to conveniently place himself away from immediate contact with his friends, even to the extent of going straight to the library at the end of classes, instead of going for the evening meal.  That action, served two purposes for him, it helped him avoid them, and gave him the opportunity to find out more about the scepter that Voldemort was looking for.

Trying to find information about the scepter reminded him of his lover.  At this moment, Lucius was also working on the same thing, although the older man was trying to find the scepter while he was just looking for information.  In the early evening hours, the library was relatively empty and quite quiet, giving him the solitude he needed to calm his mind.

He continued in like manner for the rest of the week, and by then, most of the school knew that there was something wrong with the Gryffindor Trio.  On a personal front, Harry was unable to find out anything about the scepter.  Not one to give up, he finally went to Dumbledore at the end of his Friday classes.

"Professor Dumbledore,"

"Yes, Harry, What brings you to me?"

"Professor, what is the scepter of Tenagra?"

If Harry hadn't spent so much time in the company of his old headmaster, he wouldn't have been able to catch the surprise that flickered in the older man's eyes.

"Harry, where did you hear such a term?"

"I saw it in my dream, Professor, what is it?"

Dumbledore's customary twinkle was dimmed as he asked, "A dream, what kind of dream, Harry, and when was this dream?"  

"I had it about a week ago, and it was about Voldemort, he was asking some of his death eaters to find it for him, why?"

"The scepter of Tenagra, Harry, Did they say whether they have found it?"

"Mmm, No Professor, Malfoy said that he hadn't found it with the department of Magical Artifacts and didn't know where it could be."

"It's really important that you tell me anything that Voldemort says about finding this, okay, Harry."  Dumbledore stressed to him.

"Can you tell me what it is, Professor?"  Harry asked the old man, after all, that was his intention of seeking his headmaster.

"Not at the moment, Harry, but you will find out in due time, Lemon drop?"

"No, thank you Professor."

"Is everything alright with you, Harry?"

"Yes, Professor, why do you ask?"

"There seems to be some form of contention between you and your friends, I hope that it is nothing serious."

"There is nothing to worry about, Professor. We're fine."

"That's good, young Harry.  Now, you should go back to your dormitory Harry, it's getting late."

"Thank you, Professor."

Harry left the headmaster's office and went down to the Gryffindor tower.  In the common room, he saw Ron and Hermione waiting and from the resolve on their faces, he knew that there was no way he would be avoiding them.

"Harry, It's been a whole week, you've got to talk to us."   Hermione started even before he could take 5 steps into the room.

"Yes mate, you've been avoiding us for the whole week, we're your best friends, talk to us."

After taking a deep breath, Harry sat opposite them and looked at them intensely for a moment, "Talk to you, okay.  It's done.  I've kept my side of the bargain; I've ended it with Lucius.  What else do you want me to say?"

"Oh, Harry."  Hermione started and Harry really couldn't stand the pity in her voice.

"Don't you oh Harry me, Hermione, you said that if I ended it, you will keep my secret.  That was the deal right."

They exchanged a look that he barely caught before Ron answered him,  "Right, Harry."

"What?  What is that look?"  He asked them

"What look?  It's nothing mate," Ron told him, rather unconvincingly in his opinion and he stared at them,

"The look you've just exchanged. Don't lie to me.  What is going on Hermione?"

"There is nothing going on, Harry. We're just worried about you that's all," she told him and if they weren't his best friends, he would have bought it, but in this case, he knew that there was something else they were hiding from him.  And considering the circumstances, he was right to worry.

"What have you done?"

"What?!"

"What - Have - You - Done?"  He asked them in monosyllables.  "I kept my side of the bargain, did you keep yours?"

"You know Harry, ..."

"You didn't," Harry interrupted Ron and looked at his friends aghast.

"Please understand Harry, we had to talk to someone."

"Understand.  What am I supposed to understand?  That you couldn't keep a promise?"

"No! That's not true Harry.  We just wanted to help," Hermione told him somewhat sadly

Angrily, he snapped at her, "Help, Help whom?"

"Hey, don't get angry with us, we wanted to help you, Harry," Ron stood up and faced him.  "You can't tell us that what you were doing was right.  You created the situation, we just wanted to do the right thing."

"The right thing.  What is the right thing, in your opinion?  I thought you were my friends?" he asked them bitterly.

"We are your friends.  You have to believe that, Harry."

"Why should I believe that Hermione?  We made a promise, and you broke it, so why should I believe anything you tell me?"

"Please Harry," he looked at her, and the first thing that caught his eyes were the tears pooled in her eyes, and if he wasn't really angry at them, the tears would have moved him, but all he could think of was that he'd gone through the past week for nothing.  He'd hurt his lover and himself for nothing.  He'd taken their ultimatum seriously, while they were just toying with his heart.

With his heart heavy, he looked at them, "You told me to give him up, or you will tell someone.  I gave him up, and you told someone anyway?  Who did you tell?

"... ... ..." they looked at each other and kept silent.

"Well, if you could go behind my back and tell tales, why not let me know who else knows?"

"Sirius."  Hermione inserted quietly, and Harry's first reaction was to laugh.  For the better part of one minute, the only thing that the-boy-who-lived could do was laugh.  When he realized that he was bordering on hysterical, he barely managed to calm himself.

"You told Sirius?"

"Mmm, Yes," he didn't even realize that his eyes had gone hard as he stared at them in stupefaction.

"**You went to my gawd-damn godfather and told him?**" he screamed at them.  They took a step back from his scream.

"... ... ..."  

"My parents are dead, and I have only one parental figure in my life, and you decide to break your promise by telling him?  Why?"

"... ... ..."  

"Please, don't go all mute on me, you were vocal enough to spread your news earlier, Can you please explain to me in words that I can understand, why you felt that my godfather needed to know about this? Because, from what I am feeling right now, I just think that you were being malicious.

"Harry, we just thought that he would be the only one you would listen to," Hermione told him

At this, Harry nodded his head as though agreeing with them, and in surprise, noticed them take relaxing breaths and lean into each other.

"The - only - one - I - would - listen - to.  Right.  And how is it his business?  It wasn't even yours in the first place."

"Don't talk like that, Harry.  We're your best friends and we couldn't just let you continue like that, who knows what 'He' might have done to you one day."  Ron told him, as they snapped back from their relaxed posture.

"Yes, Harry.  You know that he is a death eater and who knows what kind of plans that you-know-who told him to use you for.  We were just trying to protect you."

"Do I look particularly naïve and stupid to the both of you?" he asked them after a moment's silence."

"No," they answered simultaneously

At their answer, he couldn't really tell them anything, because all the words that were clambering to be said, were as a result of his anger, so he held his head in his hands, before asking,

"Ron, Hermione, did my life mean so little to you?"

"What?" he could see and hear their surprise.

"Yes, did my life mean so little to the both of you?  I know who he is, and he knows who I am, that is why this was supposed to be a secret.  What would happen if another death eater found out about us?  Or Merlin forbid, someone, started a rumor?  Our lives would be a whole lot more difficult, literally, so did you even think about that when you told Sirius?"

They looked abashed at that, "Sorry, Harry, we didn't think anyone else would find out."

"Right," he began sarcastically, "Because it is so easy to keep secrets in Hogwarts.  We should know; it's only our sixth year here."

"Harry," Hermione began and he could see the apology that was on the way, and he didn't want it.  Not now, and not from them.

"**Don't. ** I am so annoyed and disappointed with you guys right now, that whatever I say, I might regret it."

They both looked at him in misery and he stood to leave.  Before he could do so though, something occurred to him, and he turned to face them once more, keeping his face blank.  He did that by imagining that he was looking straight at Vernon Dursley.

"You never asked me how I felt about him, you didn't care how I felt about him, and I accepted that.  You guys may not care about our lives, but there is something that you should know.  As far as I'm concerned, there were only four people who knew about this, Lucius, myself, and the both of you.  You decided to increase that number by one, and for me, that is one too many.

"Right now, I have a birds eye view of what happens whenever Voldemort is particularly hateful, and I promise you, if as a result of your blunder today, I get to see the man I love being tormented more than the norm, or even, Merlin forbid, I watch him being killed, then, Voldemort will be the least of your problems. **You've been my friend, and you've seen Voldemort being my enemy, you don't want to be that.**  Pray, that your consequences don't extend beyond Sirius."

He glared at them and left for his room, as he got to the door, he released the silencing spell he'd cast and went to bed.  He couldn't think, he couldn't cry, he just wanted to sleep and forget that for the sake of friendship, he'd made a futile sacrifice.

The End.
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