For One Moment

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Harry Potter leaned on the wall behind him; he could barely keep to his feet as he made his way down to his friend's room.

~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP

It was his sixth year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and their hero who was having a very hard time.  For him, heroism had lost the appeal that had so captured him in his first year.  

Being a hero meant that everyone knew everything about who they wanted you to be and not who you were.  He wasn't allowed to be Harry, son of Jameson and Lilliana.  As far as they were concerned, that Harry died with a curse from a wand with a phoenix core and in his place stood Harry Potter, the boy who lived.  The Harry Potter who stood in so many guises, the useless boy slave for Vernon and Petunia Dursely; Dudley's favorite toy; the hero of the light-magic practicing wizarding world; the anathema of the dark-magic practicing wizarding world; Dumbledore's tool and Voldemort's enemy.  He had no more illusions about who he was.

His uncle and aunt hated everything to do with magic and so punished him for its existence.
His cousin begrudged his presence in his family home and made no bones about making him aware of it and being the big fat slob that he was, more often than not, that awareness came physically.  His parents spoiled him and they saw no wrong with his actions so they didn't ever caution him so Harry bore the brunt of it all.

The wizarding world that practiced 'light-magic' needed someone to lay its hopes on so that they could sleep well at night and since he'd done it once before, why not do it again and again.  If something did go wrong, it would be so much easier to blame one person than accept that there was something that they could have done to better protect themselves.

The wizarding world that practiced 'dark-magic' needed to hate something; something that was opposite of who they were, so why not hate the one that their opponents touted as their hero.

Dumbledore needed a powerful wizard to stand up to Voldemort and since he was sure that there was a lot more to his defeating Voldemort than his mother's protection, the old mage wanted to forge him in the way he needed to be used in the best position to win the war.

Voldemort wouldn't give him the chance to repeat the feat he accomplished as a baby by surviving the Avada Kerdavra and displacing his body so he declared war on him in particular and 'the light' in general.  A seventy year old wizard waging war on sixteen year old, talk about the story of David and Goliath that the muggle Bible goes on about.

~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM

When he was very young, he'd wished for anything that would take him away from the drudgery that was his life with the Dursleys.  He'd wished so hard that Hagrid's arrival was more than an answer to his wish it was everything.  It gave him a world that was different from what he knew and he was going to make the best of it.  Leave the disappointments and lack of familial love behind.  Here, he was going to find MAGIC, he was going to make something of himself, he would discover what had happened with his parents and with his new found magic, find that love that he'd heard so much about but never experienced.

What he did find, was that it's true when they say that you 'Be careful what you wish for, because you win some and you lose some.'  He'd gotten his wish, he'd definitely won some, but he lost a lot more.

Voldemort told him in his first year that there was no good and evil, there was only power and he didn't believe him.  He'd since changed his mind about that when he discovered that his whole life was a play, well choreographed and staged and he, who was the star of the show, didn't really know his lines.  All this time, he thought that he was living, not knowing that he was doing nothing of the sort.  His life was being lived for him.

It was strange how his disillusionment all came about.  It was during the summer of his fourth year that the scales fell from his eyes.  His nightmares were horrendous and he found himself more alone than ever before.  Due to Voldemort's return, his safety was not to be compromised in any manner so he was to stay at the Dursleys for the whole summer, no reprieve at the Burrow.

Safety. That was Dumbledore's reason.  Where was the safest place for him to stay?  He asked himself and the only answer he could come up with was nowhere.  According to the old mage, he was supposed to be safe with his family, but that was so untrue.  They went out of their way to mistreat him, not so much physically as mentally and emotionally.

Every other person thought that Hogwarts was the safest place in the world but the more he thought about it, the surer he was that for him, Hogwarts didn't equal safety at all.

In his first year, Voldemort found his way into the school through one of his minions and if he hadn't been the busybody he was, then maybe Quirrell would have found the stone and brought Voldemort to life faster.
His second year wasn't easier, because a much younger Voldemort still tried to kill him.
In his third year, Dementors found their way into the school and he almost had his soul sucked out of him.
And in his fourth year, a death eater came into the school and spent the whole school year with him, then used his blood to resurrect his master, Voldemort.  Sitting in the sparse room in his aunt's home, he realized that at fourteen years of age, his biggest problem shouldn't be worrying about a death threat by a dark wizard.  It should have been falling in love like Ron and Hermoine, or hanging around with friends like Dudley (despite his bullying tendencies)

His Aunt Marge visited and he was relegated to the cupboard of his youth.  While he was there, he tried everything to keep his nightmares away and as a result; he developed insomnia.  The good thing about insomnia he discovered was that it gave him a lot of time to think.  He tried to compare his life in the cupboard before and after Hogwarts and the only difference was that Hogwarts gave him depression and nightmares.  This was the world that was supposed to have answered his wishes.  Well, there was the adage be careful what you wish for.

He remembered the first letter that he received from Hogwarts; it was addressed to him at the cupboard under the stairs, letting him know that someone in the wizarding world knew what kind of life he'd been living in with the Dursleys.  So, that meant that Dumbledore knew, after all, he'd been the one that left him there.  

In hindsight, he knew that it wasn't a good thing to think when you're depressed because it made you see the bad in everything and that was what happened to him. He over thought the situation and drew some extreme conclusions.  Dumbledore could and should have protected him better; and nobody really knew him.  Everyone knew 'Harry Potter', but no one knew Harry James Potter.  He never explained his home situation to anyone because over there, they didn't really want to listen.  They only wanted the two-dimensional brave Gryffindor who was malleable to their wishes, as evidenced by everyone's reaction to his being a parselmouth.

Harry should have had a life with his parents; instead all he had was the memories of their deaths and their sacrifice for him.  He'd been so grateful for Ron and Hermoine, thinking that their friendship was for Harry and not 'Harry Potter' but Ron was fickle and Hermoine, well, she was more true than most.

It was sad for him to realize that the only person/thing that really knew him was the sorting hat that once told him that in Slytherin, he would make his friends.  At eleven, the name Slytherin was synonymous with evil, but now it wasn't so much evil as … there.

The school was made up of four houses, and the death eaters came from all four of them.  Slytherin wasn't evil, their ambition just pushed them to take chances and short cuts that others didn't.

~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM

His fifth year began like any other, with nightmares coming as often as he could sleep so his insomnia was carried over from the holidays and helped him study.  As a result, he kept out of Professor Snape's way in class, and subtly studied the man in private when he could.  After all, he was supposed to be the embodiment of Slytherin.  It was as a part of his study that he saw the Slytherinesque way in which Dumbledore ran the school and him.

Gryffindors were supposedly favored, because he needed champions for the side of the light, and Slytherins were not, because they had been given up for the dark.  Would he also have been sacrificed if he had joined Slytherin?  Probably not, after-all, he was a symbol.

It was when he told Dumbledore about his nightmares being a conduit for him to see Voldemort's atrocities that he came to really realize that he was only a tool in Dumbledore's hands.

"Now that Voldemort is back in human form, we can fully anticipate his actions."

"What do you mean Professor?"

"Oh, … Harry, I'm just thinking aloud. When Voldemort was still bodiless, it was not possible to know where his next attack would come from but with this new connection that you have with him, we can 'see' where he is going."

"But will I have to face him again Professor?"

"Of course Harry, you've always known that."

"It's just, now that he had my blood, and our wand core's are the same, isn't it slightly impossible for me to be protected from him and face him in a duel?"

"Ah.  I see.  That means that you need to start training more.  I thought you might need it so it's fortunate that 'the Order of the Phoenix' is starting up again so there will be other wizards here to help train you."

As much as Harry wanted to help defeat Voldemort, he knew that the facts were not stacked in his favor.

"But Professor, I hardly sleep as it is, I don't think I can take any extra lessons."

Dumbledore's eyes lost their legendary twinkle for a moment,  "Harry, things have got to change for you this year.  Voldemort is back and you have to prepare to face him."

"But Professor, I'm only fifteen and I've got my O.W.L.S. and …'

"You faced him at eleven Harry, you can prepare to face him again.  Now, you have to go for dinner, okay."

"Thank you Professor."

That night, he was once again present at a death eater meeting and saw what Professor Snape went through and it wasn't pretty.  When the Potion's master left, there was a plan made for the capture of a muggle Lecturer in Newcastle.

He went straight to the Head Master's office to let him know what he saw in his dream, and there he met Prof. Snape giving his report of the evening's activities.  That was when he was sure that the older man was a spy for Dumbledore.  He gave his message and took his leave off them but before he left, he overheard them make arrangements to call for the Order of the Phoenix.  What was that?

Over the next weeks, he tried to postpone his sleep as much as possible but nothing worked.  He even took to taking a dreamless sleep potion, but that didn't work because he wasn't dreaming as much as having an outer body experience.

More discussions with Dumbledore didn't get him out of the extra lessons entirely, but cut them down from the many that the old mage had originally planned.

While all this was going on, his friendship with Ron and Hermoine had taken a side step.  He couldn't explain to them all that he had been through during the summer.  How exactly do you explain a depressive state induced by dreams and Voldemort visions?  You don't.  They thought it was a result of the Tri-wizard Tournament, and gave him space.

While he would accept that he needed some of the space, he would have liked it if they pulled him close at the same time.  Unfortunately, that didn't happen. They gave him the space, and used that time to draw close to each other.  He didn't mind that, after-all, he had seen their relationship coming from a mile away, but why did he then feel left out.

With his extra lessons, and multiple visits to Dumbledore, he really felt like he was nowhere, so one evening, extremely tired he barely pulled himself to their common room where he caught sight of them.  They were the only ones left there and they were hugging.  To anyone, it was a simple hug but it hit him with a pang how alone he was.  He immediately turned and went straight to the furthest place he could find, which was the Astronomy tower.  On his own, he stood there watching the stars, wondering the last time he received a hug.  The kind of hug he just saw.  He was unaware of the tears running down his face as he watched.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he asked

"Did you hug me Mum? … What about you Dad, did you hug me? … Why did you leave me?  … Where are you?  WHERE ARE YOU?"

In the silence after that scream, he heard someone call his name

"Potter" he didn't answer.

"Potter, what are you doing here."  He couldn't mistake that voice, but he didn't want to say anything to him. So he just continued looking out at the stars.

"Potter!!!"  

"He isn't here right now, go away."

"What?"

"Malfoy, this is Harry time, Potter will be back in the morning, so just go away."

"Potter, have you lost it?"  He felt a hand on his arm and turned to see the silver gray eyes looking at him.  They widened slightly when they met his but otherwise, showed no expression and with a slump of his shoulders, he asked

"What do you want?"

"What is making you cry?  Have you finally discovered that your friends don't have any time for you?"

He couldn't be bothered to rise to the bait so kept silent.

"Potter."

"_My name is Harry._  This is my night off Malfoy, Potter will deal with you in the morning, we can exchange insults until Snape and McGonnagall take away all the house points.  We can make an appointment for a duel, but for now, I'm just tired so leave me be, and go away."

"Harry"

"Mmmm" he answered the call, still looking out and hugging himself.  He had never felt as alone as he did now, because he knew that with the way he was feeling, were it anyone else, he would have asked for a hug.  He couldn't do that with Draco though, because being the Slytherin that Malfoy was, it would be in his best interests to use any and all his 'enemy's' weaknesses.

"What is going on with you?"

"Huh" he scoffed at the other boy and closed his eyes.  Maybe there in the darkness behind his eyelids, he could hide and forget that Harry had no place in this world.  Still hugging himself, he went to the farthest corner of the room and lowered himself into a dark alcove between two walls.

"I heard what you said."

Silence

"Whom were you talking to?"

Silence

"Damn it Harry, answer me or I'll make sure that the Professors know that you are here."

"What do you want me to tell you Malfoy?"

"Tell me why you are hiding in a dark corner. … Tell me why you are crying.  Tell me anything."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why should I tell you anything Malfoy?  Why do I owe you answers?"

Pause "Because if you don't, then the whole school will know that you were weeping your eyes out in the Astronomy tower."

"As opposed to the whole school knowing _Why_ I was crying, thanks but no thanks."

Quiet Pause.

"I wont tell anyone"

"Why should I believe you, this is you we are talking about and you owe me no obligations to keep my secret."

"You're right."  Even in the dark, he could hear the sneer in the other boy's voice. "I owe you nothing, after-all, you turned down the chance to be my friend in our first year."

"Oh Please.  You didn't want to be my friend, you wanted to be 'Harry Potter's' friend, and look down on the rest of the world.  That wasn't for me so like I said, thanks but no thanks.  … Sorry but this night has been unreal, and I cant tell you anything.  See you Malfoy."  He stood and left the other boy in the dark room.

True to form, the next day, he put a face on his growing discontent and was once more the boy who lived.  The confrontation between Malfoy and himself was true to form, and even he almost didn't believe that the previous night had occurred.

A week later, he had a really bad experience with a 'vision' and stored it in a memory pad for Professor Dumbledore as they had devised, but he couldn't go back to sleep so he took up his 'map' and invisibility cloak and decided to take a walk.

The only people that were roaming around were himself, Filch and Professor Snape.  He followed the latter's dot till they got to the potions classroom.  He entered quietly and watched Professor Snape start mizing his potions before revealing himself.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor Potter, what are you doing here?"

Silence

"I expect an answer from you Potter or I will double those points."

"I couldn't sleep."

Sneer  "You couldn't sleep, … and how exactly did that relate to your being here?"

Silence

"Damn it Potter, don't you ever do what you are supposed to do.  The school is not your playground no matter who has told you otherwise."

"I was there."  He inserted quietly, not letting the other man continue with his rant.

Silence and a sharp look

This evening, at the meeting, I was there. … Why do you do it?'

"Get out of here Potter or you will be serving detention with me for the rest of the month."

"Please Professor, can you just tell me why?'

"I have my reasons Potter and that is all you need to know."

"Nobody thanks you for it."

"Huh, I would think you will have known by now that I'm not like you Potter, seeking fame to bask in."

"Nobody thanks me either and I still do it, but that's different. I am a Gryffindor, _Bravery and Honor_, or stupidity as you call it, you're as Slytherin, _Cunning and Ambition_ so why?"

"Get out of my lab Potter."

"Thank you Professor.  Good night."  He didn't know what kind of answer he expected from Snape that night, but the time he spent watching the man work was enough to take his mind off his own insomnia and somehow, he wasn't as alone as usual in the hours after his nightmares.

It took him the better part of a week, watching the Professor to be able to get back to the dungeon and quietly watch him work and this time there was no conversation between them.  Their animosity while in full strength during the school day was muted during the few meetings that they had with Professor Dumbledore to discuss his dreams and insomnia.

His 'extra' lessons continued and after another bad one, he found himself back at the Astronomy tower looking for a hug.  He just knew that if by some chance, his parents were alive; this was something that they would have given him at this time and for that he missed them.

"Isn't it funny that I miss you so much now because I need a hug?  Why did you leave?"

"Harry?"

"Damn it.  This isn't a good time Malfoy."

"Draco."

"What?"

"If I'm to call you Harry, then my name is Draco.'

"Okay Draco.  This isn't a good time."

"I didn't think it would be, but I was waiting for you."

"What" he looked at the other boy sharply.

'Yeah, I didn't think you'd return but …  Can you answer my question now?"  Now, he returned to his alcove.

"What is the question?"

"What is going on?"

"You have to be more specific Draco.  That is too general a question and I'm too tired."

"Okay.  This is the second time I've heard you look for someone.  Who is it and why?"

"James and Lillianna Potter."

"O.o"

"Do your parents hug you Draco?'

"Yes, of course."

"I'm sure mine did too, but I can't remember.  Nobody ever hugs Harry, and 'Harry Potter' is supposed to be the hero, and the hero doesn't do hugs."  He could feel the lassitude coming on him so he leaned down and made himself comfortable on the ground, "I'm tired."

He didn't know how long had passed before he woke abruptly, this time from a dream about dementors.

"Shhh, it's okay Harry.  It's okay."  He heard quietly from above his head.  When he looked up, there he was, Draco Malfoy watching him with something close to concern in his eyes.

"O.o. … What are you doing here?"

"Are you ready to go back?" Draco asked him instead of answering

By now, he was a lot more awake, "Sure, you didn't have to stay here Draco.'

Silence

At the door, he looked at the blonde boy and saw that his mask was back on his face. 'Well what more did he expect?'

"Thanks Draco."

What he _didn't_ expect was for the other boy to pull him into his arms for a hug.  He stiffened for a moment and before he could relax, it was all over and Draco was way ahead of him.  When they separated, he heard him say "I'll see you around Potter."  Assuring him that things would be going back to their status quo in the morning.

True to form, it did.

That was the first of their meetings and over time, he learnt to accept the hugs and made a friend.  Most of it was in the dark, but it was one that stood just shy of the light and wouldn't falter if the light shone on it, but it wasn't what they needed from each other.

In the light, even though things had changed somewhat, he still had Ron and Hermoine and Draco had everyone else.  But he knew that if he ever needed a hug, he'd get one.

Towards the end of the fifth year, the training got more intensive and with studying for his O.W.L.S, he barely had the time to think but he made the time almost fortnightly to stand in the Astronomy tower and talk.  It was the kind of talks that he couldn't have with Ron and Hermoine.  Since the nature of the argument was pro-Gryffindor con-Slytherin and pro-Slytherin con-Gryffindor.  At some points during their talks, he accepted the adage that Voldemort gave him

There is no good and evil, there is only power

To some extent he agreed with Draco and told him so, for at the moment, the power structure lay with the light side and they were fighting to keep it, so they were good and their opponents were bad.  If the shoe was on the other foot, and the dark side had the power, they would also be fighting to keep it, making them the good and their opponents bad and as usual, there would be someone like him, a tool for the one with the power.

Funnily enough, during those talks, they just came to accept that they were Gryffindor and Slytherin, brave and cunning.  He wouldn't expect more from Draco and the other wouldn't expect more from him.

The highlight of the year for him of course was when they had dementor's stationed a month before the O.W.L.S.  It seemed that once again, someone saw a shadow of 'The Sirius Black' at Hogwarts and mentioned it to the ministry, and while it would have been easy enough for the Headmaster to deny their entry into the school, Dumbledore told him that it was a good time for him to practice his Patronus and he'd never felt more used.

It was so draining on him, that almost after he slept, he would have a nightmare and spend the rest of the night curled up in the common room before the fire.  The good thing about this was that it helped him study up on all his subjects and complete his assignments on time.  The bad thing was that it didn't help his insomnia in any way.  Fortunately, on some nights, he was able to go and watch Professor Snape and his potions.  

Over the year, this had become another secret that he was keeping from everybody else, like that of Draco's.  In the beginning, the older man had just ignored him but since he didn't disturb him or get in his way, he allowed Harry's presence and they would even talk.

It was liberating to discuss things with yet another Slytherin, someone he thought of as the embodiment of all things Slytherin.  By the end of the Fifth year, 'Harry' had two friends, well, maybe one friend and one mentor.  He had no illusions about these friendships either, they were Slytherins, and would do whatever it took when the time came but until then, he took what they gave him and grew to accept that even he wasn't the blind little Gryffindor of his youth and accepted his place.

The good thing about this was that there was nothing sexual about these relationships and that gave them the freedom to 'just be'.  The one time he'd taken a nap in Draco's arms, he'd woken up and stretched to place a kiss on the side of the other boy's mouth.

Draco had then looked at him with a neutral expression in his gray eyes and said, "Thanks Harry."  There was nothing else to be said and every time after that; he got more comfortable accepting the hugs from his friend.

He passed his O.W.L.S. and they made it through the school year.  On the last evening, he bid them two special goodbyes and took off for home.

 
~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM

During his holidays, there was nothing more he missed than his discussions with Draco and Snape.  To him, it was a funny reversal of fortunes.  Previously, there was nothing more he would have wished for than to take off for the Burrow at the end of his holidays, but he knew that even there, he would still be alone.  They tried, but he felt that it was too late for them to understand.  Anyway, the exuberance of the Burrow couldn't give him the time he needed to feed his sleep patterns.

He was aware that he couldn't exchange mails with Draco and Snape, but he managed to do so with everyone else, thus alleviating his boredom.  His family was unchanged so he did his assignments and when that was done, sent Hedwig on a special journey.

Dear Professor Snape,

I apologize ahead of time for inconveniencing you during the summer but I need some help from you. As you know, I have more time than I need on my hands at the moment and while it would be the excellent time to partake in the extra curricular activities I was once offered, it is impossible to do so.
I am therefore asking for your help in recommending some books for me to study up on.  While I am sure that it would be impossible for me to practice these, it would help me lift my standard of understanding and prepare me for the year ahead which I'm sure would be a lot more grueling than the past one.
My visions, which have reduced in number, have increased in intensity and I regret that I am unable to keep you company on some nights.  I felt it did us both good.  If I'm being presumptuous, I apologize.  It did me some good.
I hope your summer is somewhat better than mine even though you will be the only Snake in the midst of Lions, Badgers and Crows.
I hope to hear from you and look forward to seeing you in the coming term.
Your student,
Harry.

He wasn't sure that he would ever receive a reply, but he went about doing all the housework he was assigned and kept up with his family.

It didn't take week for Hedwig to return, but what surprised him was the package she returned with.  Where he was expecting a reply to his letter or a carefully worded brush off, his mentor sent him seven shrunken books, which enlarged to their original size he moment he opened the wrapping.

Attached to them was the short letter that he was expecting.

Harry,

It is unorthodox to receive a request such as yours from a student not in my house but over the past year, you have proven not to be the atypical Gryffindor so I find myself unable to turn you down with no good reason.  
As you can see, I have sent you the books in lieu of the recommendation you requested for it is somewhat obvious to me that your Gryffindor brain had not worked out how you would go about getting the books since you are as yet unable to leave your home.  What would you Lions do without the Snakes, I wonder?
It is good to see you taking more of an interest in your life and it's preservation, for you know the burden you carry, as I have tried to expound to you.
The books will be returned to me in pristine condition on the 2nd of September.
Enjoy your summer.
Severus Snape.

That was more or less, what he was expecting from Snape and he was glad to receive it.

The books:

Uncalled for Curses and Hexes and when you need them.
War and Survival.
Potions for healing
Understand the Dark Arts.
Defend against the Dark Arts.
Get out of here fast - survive the Duel.
The art of potion making.

He was very sure that none of those books was on the curriculum, but he knew that his deal with Snape was outside of the standard Hogwarts curriculum, as was the extra training he was receiving from the Order so he didn't mind it.  Rather, it was preparatory for him, and as Snape put it, a way of his controlling some part of his life outside of Dumbledore's power.

Reading the books was twofold for him, he was really glad for the heads up, but he would have loved to put what he learnt into practice.  The end of the summer didn't come soon enough for him and he was glad to take the last week off and enjoy himself at the Burrow.  Luckily, the eldest Weasley was around so he took the time to discuss his curse breaking and more.

It was while he was sitting out one of the quidditch games that he discovered Bill's predilection for men as his preferred sexual partners.

"Harry, you do know that Ginny likes you, don't you?'

"Umm, Bill, why do you ask?"

"It's an open secret here in the house and we all thought you should know about it so that we'll know what you are going to do about it."

"Do!?  I like her but only like a sister."

"So you have your eye on another witch?" Bill then asked him after a pause.

"No."  That was true. He didn't like Ginny like that, but he also didn't like anyone, not in that way.

None of the girls he'd interacted with seemed plausible and the peck he gave Draco that evening, even platonic as it was meant more to him than any one he'd dealt with.

He could feel himself blush at thinking about that, and his eyes caught Bill's at an off glance and he looked away.

"So who is she?  You know you can tell me and I wont tell anyone. … It's not Hermoine is it?"

"No!! … There is no one, I promise."

"Is it another wizard?"

"What?"

"Well, some Wizards like Wizards and not Witches; like me.  It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm sorry Bill, but there is no-one."

"Why not?"

He shrugged in response and the other man didn't give him a chance to answer more before continuing, "You know that's what you should be doing at your age don't you?"

"I have too much on me at the moment Bill, even you know that."

"Yes.  I know that there is a lot that you are supposed to accomplish, but I also know that you are only sixteen and worrying about your love life should be a highlight at sixteen."

"Not with Voldemort."

"**Yes**, with Voldemort.'  He was told emphatically.

Turning tables, he asked.  "What about you?"

"*What* about me?"

"Do you fancy anyone?"

Bill blushed, "Yes, I am seeing someone.  Have been for the past year actually."

This was another thing that he's never experienced, so he asked "Is it good?"

"Yeah, it's good."

"Who is it?'

"Why do you want to know?"

Shrug

"I'll tell you at Hogwarts."

"Sure, see you."

"Harry, try and enjoy your time here, okay. It's only a week, leave the training for Hogwarts, we know nothing about Voldemort's plans for now, so leave it for the week okay. You're a teenager, have fun."

He took the admonition to heart and let himself enjoy what little of his time at the Burrow that he could.  At the back of his mind, he couldn't really forget it all, but laid it aside for a moment.  

Ron and Hermoine were both made prefects and as he discovered, so had Draco and he was ecstatic for them.  He didn't envy them the responsibility but he knew his own responsibility was one that was just for him alone to carry.

He enjoyed the ride to Hogwarts with his friends and was extremely glad to see Draco on his usual 'harass the Gryffindors' trip.  His friend looked well and a meeting of their eyes conveyed all they wanted to share in that short moment before the return to school.  He told Draco not to worry, because he had survived the summer.

The day after their return to school, he took the required unfailing steps down to the dungeons to see the Potion's Master.

'Knock knock.'

"Come In."

"Good evening Professor."  He greeted as he entered the room.

"Harry.  You're back then.  I can see that you survived."

"Yes Professor.  Thank you for the books."

"You found them helpful then."  Snape asked him sardonically

"Yes Professor, thank you for sending them"

"Hnh, Now that you are back, you haven't got rid of your Gryffindor tendencies have you.  You're still breaking the rules because I could have sworn that it's past your curfew."

"Sorry Professor."

Scoff

"You know it's going to be a tougher year on you don't you?"

Pause

"Can you tell me Professor?"

"Stay on your toes Harry.  Now go."

With the look of resolution on the older man's face, he knew that there was no way he would be receiving any more information so he left the dungeons and made his way to the Astronomy tower.

Unfortunately, it was not as empty as he expected so he couldn't stay long.  He also knew that there was no way that Draco would meet him there so he slowly made his way down.  Auspiciously, he caught up to his friend and the other boy directed him to his own rooms in the dungeon.

"Congratulations for your prefect position."

"Yes, it has its good points. I get my own room.  What do you think?"

"It's great." He told him after he took a good look around.  Seeing this, he knew that if there was on thing that would make him take on the prefect's badge, it would be the individual room, but Ron and Hermoine didn't have that.

"How come you have this, our own prefects don't have individual rooms."

"We're Slytherin's, what do you expect."  Draco told him arrogantly.

He laughed at that and sat on the available chair in the room.  As per their interactions before the summer, they just continued where they left off, regarding their discussions, they shared their views on the summer and just talked.

Before he left, Harry was given a hug, the one thing he really missed.  As he walked back, he couldn't help musing on his circumstances.  It was funny that out of everyone he knew, the one person who knew him well enough to show him the kind of compassion that he needed was the son of a death eater.

He got to his common room and didn't feel as out of place and he did the year before upon seeing his two best friends holding them selves.

"Hi Harry, Where have you been?'

"Ron, Hermoine, I was just taking a walk."

"Harry, you know you have to be careful, we're prefects now and we can't  …"

"Please Ron, don't go all Percy on me, I needed to get used to the place again."

Oh this was going to get tiresome.  Just then, he was going to get really regretting that his friends were prefects and he wasn't.  While his insomnia had come down, the Order was depending on his visions to some extent and he couldn't afford to be worrying about house points at every turn.

The first month of the school year was not difficult for him to get through; he already had a pattern that worked for him so he got through the days easily enough.

~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM~HP~LM

What broke it and brought him to this point was his last meeting with his trainer.  Then night before, Professor Dumbledore asked him to wait behind after dinner.

"Harry, I know that you've been keeping up with your extra lessons, and that's good but as you can see from your dreams, Voldemort is a lot stronger and so we need to intensify your training."

"But Professor, I'm already at my limit.  You know that Quidditch is back on and I don't want to give it up."

"And I'm not asking you to, but you wont know your limit until you try to go past it and can't.  I don't think you've reached your limit, and you need to be stronger to face him, trust me."

'Hnhh, trust him, how could he?'

Early this evening, he was called into the training room and without warning; the Cruciatus curse was placed on him.

This was one curse that he never wanted to feel again.  No sooner had he been released, he turned around to see who cursed him and saw Alastor Moody there, but watching was, Sirius, Remus, Bill, Snape and Professor Dumbledore.

"Constant Vigilance I tell you lad, that should not have caught you by surprise."

What did he mean by surprise? That should not have caught him at all. He was coming for training, and not to be cursed.

"Why?"  He asked them when he calmed down some."

"You need to know your limits, and also see what curses you can perform while under the cruciatus curse."  Dumbledore answered him with no emotion in his voice.

"**You cant perform any curses while under the cruciatus curse Professor, you're in PAIN**."

"I think you can and that's what you'll be working on this year."

"Need I remind you Professor of Neville's parents, and what too much Crucio has done to them?"  He spat out bitterly; he couldn't believe that this was being done to him.

"Harry."  Sirius called out to him with some admonition clear in his voice.

"No Sirius, I'm here to learn, and not to be tortured."

"Harry, please don't think of this as torture, think of it as an experience, because sooner or later, you may have to go through it with Voldemort."

At that, he looked up at the man, who had seemed so much larger than life to him as a child,

"Professor."

"No Harry, it's part of your training, but you're right about Neville's parents, and we will never put you past your limits.  And Professor Snape will be making a potion for you to take that mutes the aftereffects of the cruciatus.

He looked at all of them, how could they do this? it wasn't right.  The only person, whose eyes met his, was his mentor's and there he saw some commiseration and he understood what Snape had told him about his staying on his toes.  This was someone who understood this because he went through the pain whenever he went for a death eater's meeting.  In the rest of their eyes, especially Dumbledore's he saw no reprieve.

Standing there, he felt his shoulder's droop and awaited the first curse.  Try as he could, he couldn't avoid falling flat on his face in pain with every curse, and at the end of the evening, it felt like all his nerve endings were on fire.  When Dumbledore called a halt to the evening's proceedings, Harry could barely stand, but slowly made his way towards the door.

He slipped and almost fell, but there was someone there that caught him.
"Harry."  Sirius said. But he pulled himself out of his arms as soon as he heard his voice.  It grated on him; both the touch and the voice and he couldn't stand any of them.

"No!! Let me go."

"Come on Harry, Let me help you to the common room at least."

"Don't touch me.  Leave me alone.'  He stayed down on the ground he had fallen on and couldn't muster the strength to stand.  At the corner of his eyes, he saw both Remus and Sirius squat beside him, as though trying to explain something to him, but the only voice he wanted to hear was his own.

"Leave. Both of you, ALL of you, just, … just leave me alone."  With the amount of pain he was feeling, he needed to crawl into a dark corner and hide until he felt better.

Sirius tried to touch him again and he flinched at the action.  "Come on Harry, let us help."

"Help?  Help whom?  I'll get back on my own."

Refusing to look at any of them, he stayed there while they made motions to leave.  When he felt that he was alone, he opened his eyes and slowly stood up, then from behind him, he heard a quiet voice call him, "Harry."

"Please Professor, not tonight.  I'll come to your rooms tomorrow evening."

"Can you get back to your common rooms on your own?"

"I'll get there Professor."  

That was true, he would get there, but he wasn't sure when, because at that moment, there was only one person he wanted to see, Draco.  He couldn't believe the whole evening.  It was something out of his worst nightmare, and he thought the visions were bad.  At least with those, he knew to an extent what to expect. Voldemort and his tortures, but here were the people who were supposed to draw him close and hold him; and they were the ones inflicting the pain.  Sirius , Remus, how could they?  Slowly, he made his way with his eyes filled with tears to his friend's rooms.

Luckily for him, since it was in Slytherin territory, and he could enter the room without the conventional password, speaking in parseltongue.  Shaking from the weight of dragging himself to Draco's room and with his eyes flooded with tears, he barely made it into the darkened room.

He saw his friend sitting on his bed and for him that was the bright light at the end of a very very dark tunnel so shaking; he threw himself at the arms that were always waiting for him and started to cry.  All the pent up tears that he had saved from the training room, fell like torrents from his eyes.

"Oh god, help me, help me, please help me."  He didn't even know what else he was saying as he felt his friend's arms go round him somewhat reluctantly, he noticed barely.

It was only after a short moment when he stopped to breathe and sniffle that he realized that the body he was sitting on was not that of his youthful friend and the arms wrapped round him was different from the one that usually gave him refuge.

"Wha…."  He released the robes he was hanging on to and shifted to see who was holding him.  To his shock, he saw that it was no other than Lucius Malfoy.

"O.o"

Making motions to move, he felt the arms round him slacken as he was released but he really couldn't move.  It had taken all he could to get here in the first place.

"I'm sorry Mr. Malfoy."

"Harry Potter, if I'm not mistaken, this is my son's room." He heard him ask and looking down at his lap, he could only whisper "Yes Sir."

"Then what are you doing here?'

He couldn't answer that, he couldn't say anything, and he just kept shaking.  He really wished for Draco, he would know what to do.  Hold him without questioning him, allowing him the time to get himself in order.  When the shaking got worse, he felt the arms pull him closer and he just couldn't stop crying.  Wrapping his arms round the body holding him, he continued as he came in, releasing his tension.

"Draco."  He whispered from the older man's neck.

"My son is not here, and as you can see, I am waiting for him."

"Draco."  He called again.  He couldn't stop, that was who held him.

"Shhhh.  What are you doing here?"  The voice was not as harsh this time around.

He didn't bother answering; he just readjusted himself to feel more comfortable.  The arms holding him adjusted with him to pull him closer and they stayed like that for the better part of 30 minutes. Slowly, his tears dribbled to an end but he could stop shaking.

"Help me."

He whispered again into the Lucius's neck as he felt his the hands on his back pat him gently.

"Help you with what Mr. Potter?"

"Harry."  He whispered.  Being 'Harry Potter' was what got him here, and he needed to be Harry in order to heal and deal with it.

"Mmm?"

"My name is Harry?" he whispered again, feeling the lethargy come over him and on those shoulders that felt so much like Draco's, he let himself rest.

To him, what was a few minutes later, he felt Lucius shift as though to get more comfortable and he moved from his position. The other man made to release him, and he slid himself from his thighs to lie on the bed they were sitting on.

As their eyes met, he could see questions in them, but what could he say? As far as he knew, this was a man that would gladly hand him over to Voldemort.  That knowledge didn't stop him though, and as he had done with Draco, he leaned forward to placed a soft kiss on the side of Lucius' mouth but the other man moved at the last moment and their lips met in a soft kiss.  He didn't know why he did it; he just couldn't help it, and the older man's eyes widened marginally at that action.  Before he could move, the mouth beneath his opened and they shared a brief but intense kiss.  When it ended, he shifted to the bed, saying a soft thank you and turned his back to Lucius, curling onto himself.

Rationally, he knew that it was the height of all foolishness to do that, but after the amount of curses he'd had thrown on him, he didn't think he'd mind whatever Lucius did.  Thinking on the curses, brought back an onslaught of his shaking and he felt Lucius' hand on his back patting him as though in comfort.

"You've been cursed boy.  By whom?"

Silence

"Harry? … Harry!? …  Harry!!?"

At the third call, he turned and looked at the man sitting beside him.  He could only imagine the pitiful sight he made but didn't let that stop him.

"Why are you here?  Who cursed you?" Lucius asked him

"Why?"  He whispered back in question instead of answering.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I have a right to be here, you don't."  He was told smugly. But he could counter that,

"Draco invited me."

"Who cursed you?"

Considering that it was part of his training to combat Voldemort, it wasn't in his best interests to reveal the answer to that question to someone in the dark wizard's inner circle so he closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep.

He wasn't sure how long he was there before he felt a palm on his face and opening his eyes, he saw the gray eyes he'd expected all evening looking at him in concern.  No matter how strong he meant to be, he couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes as he raised himself into his friends arms.  Briefly wondering where Lucius was, he looked around the room but caught no sight of the older wizard.

Draco held him close and allowed him to cry, much like his father before him, but this time, it was just an aftermath and finished before it could really start.

"Hey, what brought this on?"

"Training."  He answered

"What happened?"

"Crucio."

"What!!?" Draco shouted

He shook after that and his friend pulled him close.

"That's an unforgivable curse Harry."

"I know."

"Then why are they using it?"

Bitterly, he answered, "Most Weapons and Blades are forged by fire Draco, I'm to get used to it."

"How can you?"

"Practice makes perfect Draco."

"By Merlin.  Harry can you do this."

"You ask as if I have a choice Draco.  In this my options are limited."

"Mmmm."  Draco said cryptically.

"Whatever you're thinking Draco, don't.  Not now.  Just hold me; this is really what I need.  I will get through this."

"Okay Harry."

'By the way, your father was here."

Deep Breath

"Oh, yes. I was expecting him earlier but I had a prefect's meeting."

"How did that go?"

"Your Gryffindors are a pain, we should just … arrrgh" he completed in a half snarl making Harry smile.

"Yes, well, you need us."

"Right."  It was an old argument between them and it eased the tension they had.

"I hope I didn't get you into trouble with your dad, I didn't know he was going to be here and I kind of told him that you had invited me."

"It's alright Harry."

"Is that going to change things?"

"No.  Don't worry about it."

Silence

"Can you make it back to your tower?" Draco asked him before he could get entirely too comfortable.

"I'm better now, I'll see you in the morning?"

"Of course, Potter."

"Thank you. …  Draco Malfoy."  Draco gave him a second look after he said that, because usually, Draco and Malfoy were two different faces that he used to refer to the other boy, but after this evening, he accepted that they were one and the same and he shouldn't really keep them separate anymore.  Draco watched him for a while before nodding as though he understood.  "You're welcome. Harry."  With that they left the room, and Draco only escorted him till the edge of Slytherin territory.

What they weren't aware of was that there was a very intent pair of eyes that watched their whole encounter.  Lucius had remained in the room, hidden in a corner watching all that they did, and he'd heard everything they talked about.  They older man left by floo before his son returned, leaving them none the wiser.

It was a week later that the result of his knowledge was made known to them, well to Harry.  His 'torturers' had given him a week between training to get used to the intensity and on the morning a week later; an unknown owl delivered a mail to him.

Harry,

As you are no doubt unaware, I over heard the entirety of your conversation last week.  I am still unsure of the nature of your relationship with my son, but I will discover it in time.

There was an entreaty you charged me with, to help you.  It is one that I have taken to heart and will discharge at the appointed time.

From your discussion, I've deduced that the manner of the training you discussed leaves much to be desired.  For your sake, I hope it improves with time.

Do not doubt; I will give you the aid you asked of me, but in the method and time that I see fit.

Until then, let us be two strangers caught out one night by the game of chance.

Lucius Malfoy.

His first reaction to the letter was one of bafflement and he would have been worried, if he didn't remember the warm arms that held him as he cried and the soft lips he'd kissed thank you; the gray eyes that watched him while he shook; first with questions and then in puzzlement.  After spending so much time with Draco, he had to admit that since that night, he did wonder what kind of man Lucius Malfoy was.  Yes, he was a death eater but what else was there.  Because there had to be more to it than that, just like he had discovered in Draco's case.

Since he hadn't told Draco anything of that night, he chose to set aside Lucius' words for the moment and continue with school program for as Hagrid once told him, 'what will come will come and there was nothing he could do about it.'

The End?  --Will Lucius discharge his debt?  Will it be done in the challenge where he kidnaps Harry?  Please tell me.