Betrayal

Betrayal, it had become the norm this days.  Well, maybe not the norm as such but in his life, it certainly was taking first place. First he thought that Tom betrayed him to the Federation when he was caught, then he discovered that Tuvok was actually a Starfleet spy.  Of course, it didn't have to end there, Seska turned out to be a Cardassian spy, and altered to look like a Bajoran in order to fool him and fool him she did.

That kind of duplicity followed them from the Alpha Quadrant and couldn't remain redundant.  It got a life of it's own and created new trends, look at Michael Jonas.  What was his reason for the betrayal?  The Kazon didn't look like they were getting to the Alpha Quadrant any faster than the VOYAGER crew were and they weren't even interested in the AQ so why?  Did Michael think that life with the Kazon would be any easier than life on VOYAGER?

Here in the Delta, he had joined VOYAGER in good faith.  Well, that and the fact that he had nowhere else to go.  Janeway had offered him a position of trust, or so he thought but he discovered that this was built on a foundation of sand.  It couldn't and didn't withstand its first strong test.  No matter what Tuvok told himself, he knew that the reason for his exclusion was not difficulty in suspecting one of his former crewmates but lack of trust in him and his abilities.  Whether Tuvok suggested it or not, the ultimate decision rested with Kathryn and she had agreed with the Vulcan's assessment, that he was not to be trusted.

Even if Tom hadn't betrayed him in the Maquis, he did so now.  Of course, to the younger man, it had been a lot of fun baiting the First Officer; he on the other hand had been seriously trying to find a solution to what he perceived was a crewmate in trouble.  Letting the whole ship know that he hadn't been aware of the plan undermined his authority with them.  Why should the crew come to him when they had problems?  After all, how could he help them?  Okay, maybe he was getting maudlin and feeling sorry for himself with the last thought but damn it, they hurt him.

_Why_?  He really wanted to know.  Was it that he trusted too easily?  Was it that he had been too naïve to accept that more often than not, people were not what they seemed.  He didn't know how to wear a mask; with him, what you saw was almost always what you got and unfortunately, he expected the same of the other people he met.  He was ashamed to discover such lack, stupidity and naivety in himself at so late an age.

He was at the age when he thought that his word meant something and that he was trustworthy. What a let down to discover that this was not the case.  Sitting in that observation desk, he felt acutely, the weight of his perceived failures.  He expected more from himself and more from others; and was disappointed when neither met his expectations.  Maybe, Just maybe, if he had no expectations, he would have no disappointments and no failures.

With his chin in his hands he looked out at the stars but his back and his shoulders felt very heavy and he didn't know how to go about reducing the apparent weight.  He felt the door to the room open and cursed himself silently for forgetting to lock the door.  Whoever it was, he really didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Releasing his face, he folded his hands protectively over his chest and awaited his company.  It didn't take long for Captain Janeway to take the other end of his bench.  He didn't acknowledge her, just continued to look out at the stars.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes Captain."  He said in a soft monotone, as though afraid to disturb the silence.

"Why are you sitting here in the dark?"  It was none of her business but could he tell her that?  _No_.  So he kept silent and continued looking, maybe the stars would give him a clue or something else to think about.  Just as the silence was becoming oppressive, he heard

"What are you looking at out there?"

'What am I looking for out there?'   He asked himself. If he didn't give her a response soon, she would continue with the what, why, and how questions and he really wasn't in the mood.

"I'm looking for some answers."

"What are the questions?"

"They are not your questions to answer Captain, and therefore not your answers to give."  This was said without malice, just a statement of fact, as he knew it.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

"No Captain.  I am not prepared to hear your answers."

She sighed, "Chakotay."

"Good night Captain"

He left her there and went to his quarters, encountering no one on his way.  When he got there, he took a short sonic shower and went straight to bed, putting an end to a perfectly horrible day.  It was the last in a long line of horrible days.

He woke up he next morning with a slight taste of bile in his mouth and no small amount of bitterness in his heart.  The bile he wondered at, but the bitterness, he was sure he knew the origin; it was the same bitterness that he had felt when he left Starfleet for Dorvan V.  He didn't expect things to go his way all the time, but it really hurt when they didn't.

Then, he had been bitter because his industrious career with Starfleet had been cut off as a result of the Fleet's betrayal of their promises. This time, the little head start he thought he had made, turned out to be a sandcastle built in the sky.

With a return of the bitterness, came a return of the anger.  The same anger that got him into the Maquis. Okay, then, it had made him careless.  Careless enough to have spies on his ship but this time, he would be definitely more careful.

He would make the anger work for him.  He was Chakotay of Dorvan V for f**** sake. Over the years, he had tried to be many things, the dutiful son, the perfect Starfleet Officer, the quintessential Maquis rebel, and please, lets not forget the First Officer that could do no wrong.  But with all this roles, he forgot the one that had stood in his stead when he really needed it, the boy, who had stood up to his family, his tribe and his people to leave their ways and attend Starfleet.  That boy didn't have a label, he was just Chakotay of Dorvan V and he'd had his way.

Even though he was angry, it wouldn't do him any good to expose that anger, so he would conceal it in a bland face and get on with his work, he would take this day, as though it were his last, expecting nothing for without expectations, there could be no hurts and disappointments when they were not met.

The mess hall was half empty when he arrived so he took one corner table and concentrated on his food.  Luckily, he was finishing when Janeway arrived so it gave him a perfect opportunity to sneak out while she was making her choice from the menu.  It wasn't like he was avoiding her, okay yeah, he wanted to avoid her but he knew that he could only do so for so long on a ship this small. So he went straight to his office and then to the staff meeting at the appointed time.  Only Janeway, Tuvok and Paris were there.  Oh joy, the three faces that spelled betrayal for him.

"Good morning, all."  He said as he made his way to the replicator.  Picking his herb tea mix, he went back to the table to await the others.  So, Tom Paris was coming in early, was he?  It was probably to show that the past few months had been a fluke, he had thought so at the time, trying to be a friend and got shot down for his troubles, he wouldn't repeat that mistake.

His greeting was answered with reserve, but he ignored them and sat staring out at the stars, waiting for the room to fill.  The staff meeting was brief and he went back to the bridge.  

This was to be another new beginning for him.