Things We Fear by Astra "Perhaps we should be afraid." Beverly muttered to herself, mocking the soft, reasonable tone she had used just moments ago. She was both glad and unhappy that Jean-Luc could no longer read her thoughts. "Not that he did such a great job of reading my thoughts when we were linked." She muttered to herself, ignoring the looks from people passing in the hall. She would talk to herself any time she pleased and they could just get over it. She had other things to worry about. She took refuge in her quarters, thankful for the semi-darkness when the doors slid closed behind her back. The silence was a much needed relief from the turmoil of the last two days. There was a drawer full of mementos in her bedroom, and she found herself drawn to it, desperate to silence her tumultuous thoughts. How could Jean-Luc possibly understand? How could she ever tell him? "Damn his arrogance." She spoke aloud, surprised by the harshness of her voice. She picked up a picture at random, smiling a little at the image of Jack, rumpled and smiling as he held up a large fish. Behind him stood Walker Keel holding Wesley upside down in an imitation of Jack's pose. Beverly gently ran a finger over the image of Jack's handsome face. How could Jean-Luc misread her so completely? She set the picture back in the drawer and lifted out the whole box, carrying it to her bed and dumping the contents. Stripping off that ridiculous dress ("What *was* I thinking?") she tossed it into a corner ("Where it can rot.") and changed into a comfortable nightgown. Unpinning her hair, she shook her head, enjoying the feel of silk against her neck. "Much better." She told herself, then took a seat, cross- legged on the bed. It took three hours to sort through the photos, holocubes and communication chips. Three hours that took her through more than twenty-five years of her life. There were so many reminders here of what she had once dreamed; dreams that were long abandoned or forgotten. It was a sobering thought, but not one that depressed her. She had a good life - good friends, nice home, and a job most people only dreamed of. Her only complaints were small ones. She refused to wish for things she could not have. She'd spent too many years doing precisely that, and it had been a difficult lesson, learning how to stop. At last, fatigue making her head heavy, she placed the last of the mementos back in the box and moved it to her nightstand. The comfort of sleep beckoned her, and she lay back, prepared to abandon herself to it. Unfortunately, her mind had other ideas. Thoughts, memories and snippets of conversation whirled through her head, some of them hers, and some of them Jean-Luc's, remnants of their mind-link. Despite her efforts to not think about her inglorious exit from his cabin, she found herself unable to think of anything else. She knew he wouldn't understand her reasons for leaving, just as she knew he wouldn't try to make her reveal those reasons. After twenty-five years, she knew Jean-Luc as well as she knew herself. In a way, it was sad. Yes, she had known he was in love with her all those years, but she had managed to convince herself that his silence meant that he never wanted her to know. When his long suppressed thoughts and feelings for her invaded her mind, she was overwhelmed by the power of them. It was only later, after their link was severed, that she realized the full implication of those thoughts. Yes, they should be afraid - afraid of starting a relationship built on the sudden revelation of feelings suppressed for 25 years. Who did he think he was deceiving when he offered to explore that relationship so soon after having his secret exposed. She knew damn well he wasn't ready, even if he didn't, and she wasn't about to lose a twenty-five year friendship over it. But that wasn't the worst of it. What Jean-Luc hadn't said, but what she had read in his thoughts so clearly, was that he was still in competition with Jack. That, more than any other fact, terrified her. Jean-Luc hadn't mourned Jack and moved on; he had lionized Jack, making him someone both to idolize and to best in one terrible, ironic twist. Jean-Luc couldn't let Jack go until he had won the one thing of Jack's that he had always coveted - her. To have a relationship with Jean-Luc, she would have to accept the fact that some small part of him would always view her as a prize, something he had won. And she would also have to accept the self-loathing he would feel for thinking of her and Jack that way. It was bitter knowledge this link had given her, and her hope of a pure, loving relationship with Jean-Luc was forever lost because of it. To go to him now would require full knowledge of her circumstance, and acceptance of her place, and her value in his mind. It wasn't exactly selling herself, but a part of her felt it was. The question was, which was worse - a knowing compromise, or a future alone. "Perhaps we should be afraid" didn't begin to cover what they should be feeling. :::end:::