Minding Your P's & Q's
by Astra <astraplain@yahoo.com 

It was a good day on the Enterprise.  The captain was 
comfortably seated in the center chair, surveying the 
bridge and his officers with satisfaction.  Yes, they 
truly were the best in Starfleet and he had trained 
them well.

On his right was Will Riker, one of the fleet's best 
and brightest, not to mention tallest.  He was 
studying something on his monitor panel and tapping 
out the rhythm of an old jazz tune with his fingers.

In front were Data and Ro, at conn and ops.  The 
android was practicing his knock knock jokes while 
the Bajoran concentrated on smoothing the wrinkles 
out of her nose.  She'd been at it since Gamma shift, 
and the captain marveled at her persistence.

On the left, draped casually over her chair and 
smiling was Deanna Troi, ship's counselor and fashion 
consultant.  She was diligently studying fabrics for 
the seat covers she was planning to order from her 
new Sears catalog.  Nothing but the best, she assured 
him, after all this was the fleet's flagship.  Can't 
have the bridge looking shabby.  She kept the throw 
rugs she'd ordered a secret for now.  She just loved 
surprising the captain.

The bench seat beside Deanna was piled high with 
interior decorator magazines, making the captain 
sigh.  He wished it were occupied by his favorite 
doctor instead.  She was so much nicer to look at 
than those tacky curtains Deanna had put up over the 
main view screen.

Suddenly, the captain's thoughts were disrupted as 
the ship lurched, sending Deanna's catalogs and a few 
stray ensigns sailing across the bridge.  The captain 
flew forward a few meters, then stopped and was 
snapped back into his seat by his bungee seatbelt.  
The first time he's used it he didn't like it, but 
he'd grown to enjoy the sensation.  Sometimes he even 
made Data slam into full reverse just for the fun of 
it.

Beside him, Deanna cried out, "Oh drat.  I lost my 
page."

"Report Data."  The captain smiled at the First 
Officer's words.  Will was so efficient.

Turning around, Data leapt to his feet and did a tap-
dance.  When he was done, he bowed, acknowledging the 
scattered applause.  "I am pleased to announce that 
we have just encountered our one millionth spatial 
anomaly!"

"Well that's something to celebrate."  Deanna said, 
"Fruity drinks with little pink umbrellas for 
everyone!"

Everyone on the bridge cheered except for Ro who was 
muttering under her breath.

"What was that, Ro?"

"Celebrate yourself, Troi.  Look what that bump did 
to my nose!" The Bajoran turned around and everyone 
was suddenly quiet.  There was another wrinkle in the 
Ensign's nose!

Troi frowned slightly, squinting as if trying to 
understand something.  "I suddenly sense hostility.  
I wonder why?"

Sensing there was about to be a fight, the captain 
released his bungee seatbelt and scampered over 
beside Will.  Suddenly there was a blinding flash of 
light.  The captain let out a little shriek and leapt 
up into Will Riker's arms. 

"We're all gonna die!  We're all gonna die!"

Riker rolled his eyes.

The light faded, leaving a young man standing in the 
center of the bridge.  

"I am the great and powerful P!"  the newcomer 
announced.

The captain and Riker looked at each other.  "P?"

"Yes, well, I was a Q, but they dropped me a letter 
grade when I flunked my omnipotence test."

Setting the captain down, Riker stuck a menacing 
pose.  "We've had enough of your kind interfering 
with our mission.  Leave!"

"Leave?  Leave?  Do you have any idea how long it 
took me to get here?  And anyway, I'm not here to 
interfere with your mission.  I don't even know where 
you're going."

"Neither do we."  Worf grumbled.  The captain gave 
him a nasty look.

"Why are you here?"  Riker wanted to know.

"Why, to do this."  With a gesture, the bright light 
filled the bridge again, but this time, when it 
faded, Beverly Crusher was standing next to P.  
Before anyone could speak, the alien continued his 
explanation. "Because I'm not full Q, I've been given 
the task of finding lost causes." He gestured at the 
captain and Beverly.  "And you two are a big one."

"No!"  Deanna cried.  "You can't do it.  We'll loose 
our funding.  They'll take away my galactic gold 
card.  We'll be canceled!!  They'll make Voyager 
movies!"

Beverly rushed over to comfort the distraught woman, 
slipping her a hypo full of sedative.  

Worf growled in appreciation.  The doctor was his 
kind of woman.  The captain frowned at him.

"Much better."  P said.  "Now, if I get the two of 
you together, I'll get extra credit and earn back my 
Q status.  So are you going to cooperate or do I have 
to strand you in some lame Robin Hood scenario?"

Beverly slinked over to the captain, smiling.  The 
light glinted off her teeth.  The captain tried to 
leap into Riker's arms again, but the First Officer 
dropped him.  "Sorry sir, but the safety of this 
vessel is my first priority.  I'm afraid you'll have 
to face this particular danger on your own."

The captain paled.

Beverly licked her lips.  Taking the captain's hand 
she dragged him towards the turbolift.  "For the good 
of the ship.  Come along captain."  She propelled him 
into the turbolift, then turned and waved to the 
bridge crew as the door slid shut.

Arriving at Beverly's cabin, the doctor led her 
unwilling captain inside, then secured the doors.  He 
went directly to the replicator and ordered a Klingon 
ale, swallowing the liquid in one gulp.  When he was 
able to see again, he turned towards the odd metallic 
sound.

Beverly was standing before him wearing nothing but 
her lab coat and a smile.  The noise was coming from 
her pocket.

"Beverly, what's that sound?"

"This?"  She rattled something in her pocket.  "Oh, 
just a little something I carry around for special 
occasions."  She pressed herself against him and 
smiled.  "Why do you think I redesigned the lab coats 
when I was Head of Starfleet Medical.  Where else 
would I put these."

The captain nearly fainted in horror at the sight of 
the shiny metal handcuffs. "Beverly, I..."

The metal closed around his wrist with a loud click

On the bridge of the Enterprise, the semi-mighty 
being known as P laughed.

:::end:::