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Jokes
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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On Microsoft and old Billy
Bill dies. "Since you were the richest guy around below",says God," you get to choose. Heaven or Hell?"
"Show me",says Bill.
God takes Bill to Hell, where a lot of girls are having a load of fun, playing beach volleyball in bikinis.
Then God takes Bill to Heaven, where a bunch of old people are sitting on park benches, feeding dead pigeons.
"I'll take Hell",says Bill.
Suddenly he finds himself upto the neck in boiling oil. Bill says, "Where are the girls?" A voice overhead says, "That was the DEMO."
A young man wanted to become a great writer. By great, he meant, he wanted to write emotional stuff, things that made people cry, scream, howl and weep.
Now, he writes error messages for Microsoft.
I called Microsoft the other day to ask if my LogiTech mouse would be compatible with a mouse pad with a Microsoft logo. They told me I needed a special file called MousePad.exe added to my autoexec.bat
When I heard that my dad had had a crash, I was terribly worried. But it turns out all he had done was switch over from Linux to Windows 98.
If Microsoft made toasters, everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you world have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to buy the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogat your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but still, would buy them since most of the good bread only works with them.
It was just after the Revolution in France in 1814, and people were being executed right and left. "Hear ye, hear ye! Today we have a triple feature: an atheist, a priest, and a Microsoft programmer!" "Huzzah! Huzzah!"
The executioner said to the atheist, "We're having a special today: you can go to your Maker face up or face down. What will it be?" Atheist says, "I don't believe there *is* a Maker. Send me face down." So the executioner pulls the lever, and the guillotine drops, but just before it gets to him, it stops in mid-air. "A *miracle*!" the crowd shouts! So they let him go free. He turns to the priest. "Face up or face down?" "Oh, I'm too humble to go face up," he says. So they put him in face down, and pull the lever. It falls, but stops before it hits him. "*Another* miracle!" the crowd shouts, and they let him go free.
The executioner turns to Microsoft programmer, asks "Face up or face down?" "I've always been a curious guy," he says. "Let me go face up." They put him in, reach over to pull the lever, and he says, "Wait a minute! I see what the problem is: you've got a kink in that rope up there."
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One Liners
Did you hear about the feminist Glena Zimmerman who changed her name to Glena Zimmerperson?
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
If your parents didn't have any kids, there's a good chance you won't.
An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank.
College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep.
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.
Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
Dead people are cool.
Intel inside. Idiot outside.
Old musicians never die. They just decompose.
4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
We all make mistakes... said Amrit climbing off the dustbin.
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
If you don't like the way women drive....get off the pavements
It is unbelievable what unbelievable things an unbeliever will believe in order to be an unbeliever.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.
SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice
High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
9 out of 10 cats prefer mice.
A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Double your drive space: delete Windows!
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Circular Definition: See Definition, Circular.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Never put statements in the negative form.
A day for Firm Decisions !!! ,or is it?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Do you know that 3 out of 4 Americans make 75% of the population?
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize !!!
Always try to be modest, and be damn proud of it !
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW !!!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't !!
I have a hunch that Quasimodo is back !!
If you try to fail, but succeed, which have you done?
I want to die sleeping, like my grandfather, not screaming, like his passengers.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Apathy is something I couldn't care less about.
God has not been proven not to exist so (s)he must exist.
A tennis court is one of the most stupid places in the world where love means nothing.
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Others
One day at the medical research laboratory, Roger the Rabbit’s cage was left open and Roger decided to escape. He scurried out into the grounds, tunnelled his way under the fence and hopped away over the fields to freedom.
When he stopped to catch his breath, he noticed a group of wild rabbits nearby, so he went over and introduced himself.
“Hello, my name’s Roger”, he said.
“How do you do?” they replied, and then asked Roger where he’d come from, and why he had a collar. Roger told them all about the laboratory: the cages, the three meals a day, the collars, the medical checks and all the rest of it.
“That sounds awful”, said one of the wild rabbits. “Here in the wild, we don’t have cages. We can hop and skip and run about for miles and miles, all day long.”
“And we don’t have to wear collars, or have our temperature taken every day”, he added. “Out in the wild, we’re free and healthy. Three meals a day? Why, out here, we can eat whatever we want, whenever we want – as much food as we like. Here, have a carrot.”
With this, the wild rabbit gave Roger a delicious looking carrot, which Roger ate (he was quite hungry by this time). It was undeniably the tastiest carrot Roger had ever eaten, and after he’d polished it off in record time, the wild rabbits proved their point and gave him four more, plus a cabbage, two lettuces and a sprig of mint to cleanse his palette as dessert.
“This is fantastic!” said Roger, his tummy full of the best food he’d had in his life.
Hardly able to move, Roger lay on his back and felt the sun’s warmth on his belly fur and watched as his new friends hopped around, chasing butterflies and nibbling on the fresh, green, green grass that grew all around. This certainly felt different from life in a small cage, staring across at a blank wall.
Roger continued to relax as the sun slowly set. The wild rabbits invited him back to their warren – a huge, dry, comfortable place, where Roger felt cosy and warm. He fell into a blissful sleep.
The next day dawned fine and clear. Breakfast was a similarly large and enjoyably tasty affair – a real rabbit banquet, accompanied with fresh clear water from a nearby spring. Roger once again ate until he felt wonderfully full and lazy, and then after a short nap, hopped around in a clump of pretty wild flowers and admired the sparkle of the sunshine on the last dew of the morning.
One of the wild rabbits hopped over and asked Roger if he was happy.
“Listen. This life you lead is amazing!” said Roger. “All this food! The endless fields of grass! The beauty!” He was almost lost for words.
“So, will you be wanting to stay with us?” asked the wild rabbit.
“Well, I’d really like to”, said Roger, “but…”
“But?” interrupted the wild rabbit, “But? Why, you told us yourself how depressing life was in the laboratory. Here you can have everything a rabbit could desire! How on earth could you be having second thoughts about staying with us?”
“The thing is”, replied Roger, “it’s all really great – this living in the wild. I could be very, very happy, but I think I’d better be getting back to the lab now.”
“But why?” asked an astonished rabbit.
“Well, you see, I’m just dying for a cigarette.”
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.
A guy was at an art exhibition. "Eh, that's realistic," he said to his friend as he looked at one of the exhibits, "It really makes my mouth water."
The artist who had painted the exhibit, was standing nearby, and asked, "How can a sunset make your mouth water?"
"Sunset?" said the visitor, "I thought it was a fried egg."
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."
The old professor was very absent minded.
- One evening, he came back home, laid his umbrella on his bed and himself leaned against a corner.
- The next evening, he came back home, kissed the door and pushed his wife out of the room.
- One day, finally, he outdid himself and broke a leg by spitting on his chair and himself jumping out of the window.
A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost."
"Now that's quite a coincidence," said the doctor, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer lookid somewhat confused and said, "Really? How do you start a flood?"
Two pigeons had a date on the roof of a house. The female pigeon arrives but the male doesn't. When it arrives after hours, the female one says, "Where were you? I was worried to death. "It was such a beautiful sunny day," says the male pigeon, " so I decided to walk."
An American businessman goes to Saudi Arabia to advertise Coke. He puts up 3 signboards, the 1st one showing an Arabian, in the middle of a hot desert, panting and sweating. The next signboard shows him gulping down a bottle of Coke. After that, in the third, he seems completely refreshed.
However, Coke fails in the country.
Only later does he realize that Arabians read from right to left.
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