Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

-Steve Martin

My wife thinks I am too nosy. At least that's what she scribbles in her diary.

-Drake Sather

I'm not well liked. My Shrink sends me hate mail.

-Ronnie Shakes

My wife and I went to natural childbirth classes. Great place to meet chicks, by the way, if you're into the full figured gal. You can be reasonably sure these girls put out.

-Jonathan Katz

One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?

-Ronnie Shakes

I had dinner with my father last night, and made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt," but it came out, "You prick, you ruined my childhood."

-Jonathan Katz

There are still double standards. A man can sleep around and sleep around and nobody asks any questions. A woman makes nineteen, twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp.

-Joan Rivers

It's been a tough year for the Katz family. My aunt passed away two weeks ago. She was cremated. We think that’s what did it.

-Jonathan Katz

The Pope is very predictable. I saw a headline once, POPE DENOUNCES FALKLAND WAR. No kidding. I'd like to see a headline, POPE LOSES CHURCH IN POKER GAME. VATICAN MOVED TO ATLANTIC CITY.

-Ronnie Shakes

My mother never breastfed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

-Jonathan Katz

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

-Ronnie Shakes

I should understand men better than I do, because I grew up with brothers. I wanted sisters - they're better for a girl. They teach you how to put on makeup, how to do your hair, give you dating tips. You know what brothers teach you? How to unhook a bra with your teeth.

-Carol Siskind

I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze, and I won't know what to say.

-Ronnie Shakes

Tom Watts once said, "maybe there is no devil; it’s just God when he's drunk." If God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? Look at the Platypus. I think so. God's up there going, [toke] "Okay, let's take a beaver okay let's put on a ducks bill…. Hey, I'm God, what are you gonna do?"

-Robin Williams

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.

-Ronnie Shakes

Free speech is the right shout "theater" in a crowded fire.

-Abbie Hoffman

-Ronnie Shakes

Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem. First of all, if you come home to your house, and you have , and your cat's going, "I'm out of here, prick," WARNING. Number 2, if you have this dream and you have cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you have cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, bingo. Number 3. If on your tax form it says fifty thousand dollars for snacks, MAYDAY.

-Robin Williams

Roaches, oh, do I have roaches. Some of them have tusks. Finally, I got an exterminatior. He was a weird gu, a little unorthodox, but highly recommended. The first time he came over, I asked him, "Well, how do you kill them? Spray? Powder? Traps?

So I got out the toothpicks. He must have set up twenty-five, thirty thousand miniature crucifixes all over the apartment with roaches taped to them. That night the termites came out and cut them down.

-Ronnie Shakes

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

-Ronnie Shakes

A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.

-Anonymous

This guy was a terrible burglar. He didn't even take our TV. He just took our remote control. Now he drives by every once in a while and changes channels on us.

-Brian Kiley

My girlfriend didn't just fake orgasms. She lip-synched them to recordings.

-Ronnie Shakes