Teenage Groupie XXXX

One afternoon, three weeks into my stay, when the heat from the sun proved totally unbearable I took the children outside for a swim in the pool. I was too tired to swim that day because I hadn’t had enough sleep from the night before. Candida had come for some solace, so I declined their persistent offer to join them in the pool. The afternoon heat was scorching, choking every available bit of air and the air that survived was dusty, and unclear, leaving a dry taste in the mouth. My tube top and shorts were easily soaked from the sweat and my mouth felt patchy and clammy still after several dousing with handfuls of water from the pool. I couldn’t understand how people that lived here had managed to cope with the humidity. It was dreadful. I brought in a tall glass of lemonade to keep me company by the pool deck since the water sprints weren’t doing anything for me. As I sat, my eyes roamed the place being entertained by the children and their swimming antics.

Suddenly, tired of staring at the children, I looked into the far distance at the road, the open desert ahead, and the gates that shielded us from the rest of the world. Amidst the dusty fog, I sighted a tall lanky sweaty man approaching tiredly on the dusty narrow roads, walking towards the clinic. As he emerged sufficiently, I made out his face with each step, forcing the sun from my eyes, squinting if need be, to make out his shape and form. I was surprised I hadn’t been able to tell who it was immediately for that gait was indistinguishable. Undoubtedly, that gait and form belonged to Nick Carter.

He stopped right at the gates, and gawked at me making sure I was truly sitting there by the pool in this remote place, clamored by these unruly children. When he was able to get a smile out of me, he proceeded, passing through the aperture of the gates, launching confidently in hastened steps to meet me. I found my self, clutching my beating chest to hold still, shaking off all faint signs of disbelief or illusion at his bizarre presence, in hope that the heat had not attributed to this image of him. I walked to him, slowly with calculated steps that resounded in my head. I met him half way on the paved path in front of the clinic, stopping just a few feet from him, robotically.

With a little distance between us, room enough for a car to pass through, neither of us running to hug nor tug the other playfully as we normally did, he stood there and stared coldly into my face for some answers. I could feel his blue eyes sear detailed diagrams on my face as he examined it.

Then, I saw him swallow hard, shutting his eyes to digest my being. “You look good…” he uttered, eyeing me from head to toe. His eyes made for my re-instated red hair tresses of which the black coif had disappeared, and then he forced a small hum. “My mum said…”

I cut in brilliantly. “Yeah…that I wanted to see you…I needed to see you.” He didn’t answer. I had begged his mother times without number whenever she came to visit that I needed to talk to Nick. She couldn’t understand what the fight was about, and at a point I couldn’t understand either. A simple misunderstanding that had been left to ferment for too long. Perhaps it was time it ended, I concluded. As I thought out careful words of apology, my hands began to fidget uncontrollably. I rolled them up into a ball behind me to keep from shaking.

“I’m sorry Nick…for thinking you were butting in my life…I had no right to say that. Without you…I guess I would just be another useless groupie on the road…but I’m not thanks to you. I’m just really sorry you got so mad at me,” I apologized with every trace of sincerity resonating in my voice. He looked so remorseful that my heart cried out some more.

“You still look good though…” he emphasized.

I shrugged, raising my eyebrow to shield the sun. “So do you…” And indeed he did, he had on pair of tight blue jeans that hugged every valuable part of his full body, tracing out his luscious booty and precious goods, with a sleeveless white tank top that displayed some new tattoos on his arm. His stomach was surprisingly taunt and firm and his arms showed pale traces of a fitness workout.

“I didn’t expect you to be here…when the guys said you were I couldn’t believe it,” he continued. “Thought you were on the road some place this summer touring with Lance?”

I took out a heavy breath. You would think that now, wouldn’t you, that I was with Lance, touring with him and his friends. That would be the likely conclusion. So what did happen to touring with Lance? I thought. Nothing. He had never stopped calling, even though he was seeing someone now, he was still my friend, inquiring of my well-being constantly, so in effect he was still there, in my thoughts somehow, lurking in my shadows.

 I decided to give Nick the appropriate answer.  “Well…Lance wanted a wife…and I wanted a life…I guess somewhere in between all that none of us could compromise our ideals,” I explained, regretting that another relationship had to bite the dust.

He nodded comprehensively. “I’m sorry to hear that… How is this place? Good. They treating you good.”

“Yeah…you’re paying for it...so it should be good.”

He let out a little goofy laugh, shrinking the corners of his eyes. I had missed that, his little goofy laughs that were neither amusing nor whimsical…just playful goofiness that made you feel like a child again.

“I work with kids here. Some of them in worse conditions than I am, or was and it helps to tell them that they would be fine, especially from someone who has been through it too. I feel so useful almost…. like my life is doing some good finally…all the pain is doing some good.” I replied solemnly explaining my mission on this desert out in the middle of Mexico living reasonably below means I had become accustomed to.

 “You’re doing good. I’m… proud of you, very proud.” He spoke slowly, smiling contently like he was proud of what his money and love had done in nurturing me, turning me into a hardworking crisis-counseling woman. “I really am sorry about Lance, Nikki. I really wanted that to work but…”

 “I wanted that to work out too…either way I’m still here and I have a home now. And I sorta have you,” I said, cheerfully to Nick.

“Yeah, yeah you do.” He beamed proudly. He finally came to me, closing the unnecessary gap between us, pulling me in for a long-deserved hug. I sank into him willingly, my heart finding solace in his open arms. I felt like having a quiet cry on his shoulders, a small peaceful one just for finally being in those arms, being with this friend that I had missed the most, for finding some closure with my pain. But before I could succumb to that pith, he yanked off my head from his chest and laughed off into the air.

 “You crazy girl. You let me miss you.” He ruffled my hair around playfully with his long fingers.

“You did?” I asked as if I didn’t know.

“Hell yeah…I did. And you know it.” The laugh came again, jolting his body back and forth. “We shouldn’t fight again, fighting’s for sissy’s.”

“Yeah…and we are not…or are we, Nick?” I scrunched up my nose to question the real intention of his last statement but he kept on giggling.

 He managed to stop giggling and hugged me long enough for us to speak contritely to one another.

 “So what are you gonna be up to this summer?” he asked as we walked along the dusty road.

“Nothing much…gonna hang in here until school starts…and you?”

“Hmmm…you know we’re heading off to a resort hotel on the East side of Sri Lanka called the Nilaveli something Hotel to work on the new album. Getting ready for 8 weeks of sun, sand, scuba diving, women and relaxation--not all in that order though---just doses of it here and there, whatever gets us inspired enough to churn out those love songs.” He stretched out his long frame at the rays of the sun, his arms tipping the sun’s tail, as he purred like an awakened cat.

 “That sounds like fun,” I said with a slight note of envy.

 “Hell yeah. It IS fun. So…wanna come?” he asked without thinking.

 I tilted my head in amazement, squinting my eyes. “Why would I want to do that? Aren’t you going to work?”

 “Yeah, but everyone else is allowed to bring their spouses along…the guys are going with their wives, AJ and Amanda are engaged so she’s coming…”

 “So… how do I fit into all this?” I cut in.

 Nick stopped still on his tracks, turned to me, and took my hands in his, fondly closing them with both of his. “I want you to be my date…to come as my girlfriend.” His voice lowered at the last word as he made his mission known intently.

 I made to turn away from his heart wrenching confession, but he stopped me, and took a hold of my face, placing his large palm along the side of it while his thumb caressed my arched eyebrows. He bent down putting his face to mine, and spoke directly into my mouth. “Nikki…listen to me… everyday I try to find a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together and instead I find that they are just a million excuses why I shouldn’t love you...why I should stop feeling this way...why I can’t help but want my best friend as my lover…and I tried to fight it as I could over the past year, keeping a distance from you, but my heart kept coming back to the same old Nikki.”

 He licked his lips in panic. I could tell this was not an easy decision for him to make especially as my eyes focused blindingly into his soft blue ones.

 “Nikki…I know it is hard and I also know that we could either go on with our lives thinking this was one big mistake…but we can go now doing what we feel, what I feel and what I do hope you feel too.” 

 Without hesitation, he placed his already pursed lips on mine for a slow wanting kiss, shutting his eyes like a baby asleep as he sucked the sweet nectar of my mouth. “This wasn’t how it was supposed to be…but it has…and I know that I have never wanted to be with a lady as much as I want to be with you. And with every woman after you I have often compared them to your smile…your gaiety, your warmth, and you’re in depth kindness and no matter how you deny it...your abounding love. And every time I saw you with another guy that wasn’t me, I tried to pretend that it was alright, that it wasn’t meant to be me, but that was just a way to push out what was.” Nick proceeded to kiss the tears from my eyes, wiping them away with the slight taste of his tongue, my body felt so warm I thought I might dissolve in his arms.

“This is crazy Nick. You’ve been away so long...I don’t know.” I forced my self to speak in between sighs. My heart hadn’t stopped racing from the moment he had said the ‘girlfriend’ word in reference to me. Undeniably the whole idea of an “us” for us was absurd.

I knew I loved Nick so much and that I had grown to love and miss him more with his absence from me, but how was I supposed to react to this. And the funny thing was, kissing him and holding him under the scorching summer heat on that roadside felt so right, and so good. It became the best feeling of love and togetherness I had ever felt for someone in my life. It did not feel crazy at all.

He let go of me briefly, ruffling his hair as he panted profusely, his mind construing an adequate response to my apparent rejection. “It’s not crazy Nikki…not when it’s with you, it’s not. Nothing’s ever felt more natural. I know I was wrong to keep away and in those moments I can’t say I was happy…not a bit. But I thought that the more I kept away, the more I would forget you…it only made it worse.”

I shut my eyes, to let the words sink in where they should, into my heart, sending me spinning uncontrollably. This is the craziest decision I’ve had to deal with in my life and I wasn’t sure how my heart would react. Was I happy to be with him? Was it too weird to be reality? What happens months from now when we’ve worn each other out, because certainly it would happen? Who knew Lance and I would wear each other out so soon? I didn’t.

I turned over to Nick and he smiled back at me shyly revealing perfect tiny-capped teeth that caused my deep face to force a smile back.

“So how about it? Wanna give loving Nicholas a try…bet you’ll like it…just like he likes---scratch that---just like he loves you.” He teased.

My heart raced as I looked at his genuine promising eyes. He was not jesting I could tell, I knew when he was and this time he was not. And he had come that day, all this way just to tell me this, to tell me the true state of his affections, where his heart lay for me. I knew then that if I was to turn Nick away I would live all my life wondering what happened to loving Nick, Nick the best friend, Nick that charming gentleman who had done nothing but show me every bit of his true feelings for me. I would keep asking myself, what happened to loving him. I knew then, that the reasons I gave for leaving Lance, leaving AJ and leaving all my sorrow and anger pent up inside me was because I had refused to open up to real love that had been standing there in my face all along. It was always Nick I was meant to be with…it was always Nick.

I shut my eyes. “Yeah...I can give loving Nicholas a try…cos’ I do know that I love him too.” I smiled back. He shut his eyes in happiness to my answer.

“I’ve waited for almost 2 years to hear you say that…now…it was so worth the wait.”

We held each other again, kissing passionately and longingly on the road, each kiss deeper than the one before. Kissing Nick felt so natural, uplifting and stimulating, I could feel his tongue caress my body sending chills right down to my toes. Even under the heat, I could feel him react, hardening unconsciously to the stimulating press from my succulent body. It took us a while to break from it.

“So are you gonna come to Sri Lanka with me…with us?” he asked when we finally broke away. “I don’t want it to be like I am pressuring you or taking you away from your work and all but I really want to be with you,” he added when I hesitated with my reply, lost in thought for about a minute. “Look, it’s summer and you know you’re going to be here working with these kids, all summer long now how fair is that? Common, live a little…” He shook my tanned hands to shake some life into them.

I stood there morbid, contemplating the thoughts of spending summer by the beach, the sun and the sand, laughing off with Nick. “They have kids there who need help too…you can get stationed in one of their counseling clinics there…the change would do you good…come on…you’ll be with me. Now how bad can that be?” Nick flashed a winning smile, awaiting my answer.

I twisted my mouth in thoughts. It seemed like such an appetizing idea, and I knew I needed a break, a good break with Nick and more so it wasn’t like it was permanent it was just for the summer. I chewed on my lower lip contemplating an answer.

My eyes scanned the road, as I was deep in thought looking for something to lend a clue to my paneling. It headed to the kids swimming in the pool, to the few troubled people walking into the clinic and then to those sitting in the group outside at the sheltered cave. It finally fell on Kamil. The young African-American female high school student I had been working with for the past 3 weeks. She had come to us afraid of dark and enclosed spaces because burglars had attacked and raped her at night years ago so she feared that whenever the lights went out they might make their dreadful return. I had comforted her by telling her the tale of fixing her gaze on a spot, a fixture where she was sure that there was sanctity, comfort and shelter. She had tried it with a beautiful chain rosary given to her by her grandmother on her wall, and somehow it had worked. She was one of my few success stories that made me really proud inside. She still came around the clinic often but only to share and appraise her situation with other students. She always wanted me to take sometime off too, she felt I worked too hard. “You care for these children like they were your pet project or something…take some time off go on a date, get laid, whatever just go somewhere, go with that nice man who’s always calling you, you know the one you’re always thinking about? And when you’re with him try to put a smile back on that cloudy face of yours. And be free.” Her words of advice re-echoed in my head.

I turned back to Nick as he was still standing there waiting, busying himself with the spectacle of the kids playing in our little pool. His blonde mane glinted in the streaking sunlight, making it glow with an intensity that struck at you. He looked so boyishly handsome I was in awe. I wasn’t still in love with AJ, and I wasn’t---I know—still in love with Lance too, and I knew I wanted to be with Nick…I knew that I loved him, loved someone immensely for the first time in my life. But I didn’t want it to be pity love or love out of consideration for all that he had done for me…I wanted it to be genuine, the kind where we take it slow in the relationship, love and trust each other and help and support the other. And if supporting the other meant going with him to do some work, then I would, and I would come back to continue with school in the fall.

He felt my eyes on him and turned to face me. “What gives…Jaded…wanna come?” he questioned again.

“Yeah…” I said on a whim. “I’d love to come…I’d love to spend summer with you Nick…I’d like that a lot.”

His smile came back instantly, and he tugged me to him for another drowning hug that broke out in frantic kisses one more time. “I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to this…it’d be great, you’ll see…and I’ll try to be a good man, a loving man.” He promised, placing his hands on his left side of his chest like he was swearing to an allegiance of “boy friendship”.

“Just be you, Nick. Good ole’ you is fine with me…and lets take it slow…you know I’m still a little new at this.”

He nodded, earnestly giving me a pleased smile. “I promise I would…don’t want to lose you now.” A pause. “We could do all sorts of crazy things when we get there…we could go scuba diving, I’ll teach you to dodge sharks, catch fish, snorkel, with the waves in your hair, it’s be great.” Excited Nick spoke all at once.

“Chill...chill.” I urged, pulling his hands away from my aching hair he kept ruffling. “Get…your hands away from my hair…you…” he did and let out another playful laugh.

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