Teenage
groupie XXXVIII
College was hard and tasking, but
whoever said it would be easy. The lectures were wholesome and time consuming,
my hours were spent studying and working hard to maintain a good G.P.A. Every
time I thought of slacking in my work, AJ’s words of advice would replay in my
head like a drum roll and I would automatically switch back to diligent student
mode.
My social life was boring and
minimal, no wild parties, no irrelevant sorority pledges, no useless cliques,
and no concert hopping. I just lived life in complete isolation keeping as few
friends as my heart could yield to trust. Men came a dime a dozen, they flocked
to me like geese, but I ignored all their hopeless love pleas, I knew the game
they were playing and I knew where it would lead---nowhere---so I kept them at
arms length.
Lance called me about 2 or 3
times a week. Though, the calls became scarcer as he went out on the road, he
still managed to get someone to call to ask how I was managing with the
schoolwork.
And as the months passed, a lot
was happening in the outside world. *Nsync’s popularity exploded and grew
beyond magnanimity and slowly people just reclined Backstreet to the mediocre
category, keeping them strictly for the adult audience. Which wasn’t so bad
except that they didn’t sell as many records or sell out as many concerts as
they used to. I felt for them and I especially felt for Nick. He always said
that his one big fear was to lose his popularity, the love of his fans, and the
people that adored him. Egotistic as it sounded, I could understand his point of
view because once you are continually fed on that kind of adrenalin rush from
hearing the millions of fans screaming your name it becomes so much of an ego
trip that a tiny lack of it could crumble your psyche, shredding your mental
picture of your self worth. It is a known phenomenon, that has turned stars to
resort to other means to regain their mental high, e.g. drugs, alcohol,
gambling, womanizing, etc.
On the other hand, I was equally
elated for Lance’s growing success, because I knew he had come a long way to
get it, deserving every pound of it. I just wished they weren’t in the same
music category, or their music wasn’t placed side by side all the time
creating unnecessary rivalry. That way it would make it easier for fans like us
to choose where our dedication lay.
One afternoon, as I returned
from my morning shift of lectures to an empty room--I was one of the few
freshman who had been lucky enough to pick sole occupation to a room in the
hostel ballots, like they knew I couldn’t handle company--I found myself
dialing Lance’s number, surprised that I knew the numbers by heart, the only
person’s number that dared not escape my fleeting memory was Nick’s. Lance
picked up after a couple of rings…he sounded so excited to hear me call him
for once since he was always the one who called first.
“Hey, Lady, what’s up?” He
said in his throaty voice, with a deflected touch of enthusiasm.
I squirmed in my chair. “I’m
feeling a little lonely,” I said, blankly. And indeed I was. Summer was just a
few weeks away and I was in need of company.
“You are?” he gasped.
“That’s because you should have come with us.” He supplied the solution to
my loneliness, careful not to rub it in.
I sighed, staring at my empty
room. “Yeah, I should have. I don’t possibly think I can take a rain check,
now can I?” I asked with a twist of my mouth. Did I really just say that?
He didn’t reply. I could hear
him fidgeting on the other line: ruffling of clothes, the receiver, moving
around like he was going to a better position to talk.
“Lance?” I called out to
make sure he was still there.
“Yeah…em…Nikki, there’s
something I need to talk to you about?”
My heart fell into my stomach.
Whenever a guy says that in a grim voice you should know that something has gone
wrong in your relationship/friendship. What could it be?
“How’s Vikki?” I asked,
changing the subject. “Vikki, Joey’s girl, from the restaurant.”
“Oh…Vikki, she’s great,
wonderful, very nice girl, strong willed and feisty, a lot like you. I don’t
know was it something they gave you guys in high school?”
I sighed loudly. “You and me
both know that girl didn’t go to my high school.”
“Oh…then how did you know
her?” he asked, apprehensive. In his mind he must have thought we were lovers
in my past life.
“She’s a groupie, like me,
just like I was.” I answered, blankly. I heard Lance heave a sigh of relief.
“Nothing much, we had very bad heat between us once, very bad, and we kissed
and made up.”
“Well, the guys love her,
can’t get enough of her. Joey even made an announcement about their
relationship during one of our interviews, and he never does that.”
“I wonder why they like her,
they didn’t like me,” I blurted.
“What makes you think that?”
“I know. The look of shock on
everybody’s face when you said you had asked me to marry you, no one yelling
out congratulations.” Inclusive of the conversation I had overheard in their
hotel room in Los Angeles, which I wasn’t ready to disclose. “They just
didn’t dig me, I could tell.”
“Was…that one of the reasons
you said no to me?” he asked, distraught.
“It was one of the reasons, it
sorta made up my mind for me, no point in going where you are not wanted,” I
confessed.
Lance felt uneasy, as his voice began
to escalate. “The guys are just being cautious, that’s all. They hardly knew
you, and then I said I was marrying you, anybody would be worried for their
friend.”
“Just like a bitch dog
guarding her puppies. I get it, it doesn’t help that you are the
“gentleman” in the group either,” I jeered, careful not to sound rude.
“They should have given themselves a chance to get to know me but I guess…no
one does.”
“Just take it as their
loss…and mine too.” He lowered his voice with this sentence, reflecting his
genuine hurt.
A beat went by as we consoled out
hearts to the present situation.
“So what was it you wanted to tell
me?” I asked, bravely.
“Oh that, I…ehm…” I heard the
fidgeting again. “I started seeing someone.”
My heart did a double somersault
leaping out of my mouth, rendering my breath hot. He has replaced me.
Already.
“It’s nothing serious, but I know
how much you wanted me to get on with my life so I did.” He tried to sound as
gentle as he could, breaking down his words one after the other.
I placed my hand on my pounding chest.
Why was I feeling bad, I was the one that rejected him, what was wrong with me,
why was I so jealous?
“W-what’s her name? How did you
two meet?” I asked, with a forced casual tone.
“Her name’s Kerry, she’s 19 and
she’s very sweet. Can you believe she’s a fan? I met her at one of our after
parties, she asked for my autograph and I asked for her number…I was like
Whoa! When did I get so bold? Musta caught it from you, I guess,” Lance
enthused, proud of himself.
I kept silent. What could I say? I am
happy for you…I hope things work out…what? Not too long ago he wanted to
marry me, now he is dating someone else. Men spare no time in replacing us, now
do they?
He continued. “Are you mad
that I am, you know…I know I didn’t actually tell you when I would,
and…” he started with a gush of apologies.
“No-no-no, I am not mad. Not
at all. It just took me by surprise that’s all.”
“Well, you don’t have to be
worried, I’ll always love you, no matter what. We just sorta wanted different
things at different times in our lives, and this is a good way for us to be on
our own and sorta work out how much we love each other, and if at all. I’m
just as sorry as you are that things didn’t work out.”
I wiped the faint tears in my
eyes, steadying my voice, “I wish you well Lance, and I do hope you find
someone that wants the same things you do, and if you don’t, you have my
number.”
That part made him laugh, and we
laughed out our pitiful goodbye, our lost love and the wonderful times we had
shared together. In a brief five minute conversation, we had put an abrupt end
to all the sweet nothings ever said or shared. Times like these made you realize
it was never for real between us, we were only succumbing to the other’s
feeling of escape from predictable pattern. He wanted to know what it felt like
to be with a flighty tempestuous woman and I unknowingly, wanted to know what it
would feel like to be with a normal loving man. It had worked out badly on both
ends. What a pity.
“So any plans for summer?”
Lance asked, cutting through my thoughts.
“Ehm…I’ve got a part time
stint in Mexico, I haven’t decided to take it yet. It’s something to do with
kids. Who knows I just might take it. And you?”
“I’ve got a tour, the second
leg this summer, hectic and tedious but that’s the job, looking a little bit
forward to it too.”
“Is Kerry coming?” I hinted.
“Yeah, she is…she’s
coming, with Vikki, and some other girls the others are seeing.” I murmured a
reply of attentiveness. “When you get to Mexico will you give me a call, let
me know where you are?”
“Yeah, sure I will, will do.”
“Okay, then. Bye Nikki, miss you
lots.”
“Me too.” I replied, succumbing to
sorrow before I dropped the phone.
I held my head and cried for
about five minutes on my own, quietly soaking up my tears sharing them with
myself. Adequately done with my
pity-fest, something inside me directed that I shake it off and relax it out in
a hot soak in the bath.