Teenage groupie….XXXV

I was dragged outside to the lawn that twinkled with decorative lights reflecting on its giant size rectangular pool. Once outside on the lawn, Lance  turned to a different person, his smile vanished, and he stood with the poise of a businessman about to close on an important deal. He shoved me gently to a corner and began to vent his grievances, “What is this about Nikki…what’s really the problem?” Lance asked, a certain tension in his voice.

“It’s about nothing Lance…it’s just…” I thought hard. My hand made for my hair, for my face to wipe the tears and my mouth to force the correct words out as I stopped it from quivering. “I think somewhere along the line we want different things…and I can understand that…it’s just that, I don’t think you ever stopped to consider what I wanted.”

He fidgeted with his suit, trying to decide if he should place his hands assertively in his pockets or put them strategically on his waist. He decided on the former. “Is this about the marriage? If you don’t want to marry me…that’s fine…”

“No…no…it’s not about the marriage…I know I would marry…I would marry you if I could…it’s just that…I don’t think I could…I don’t think a life on the road as a groupie is what I want…not anymore.” I was surprised at my boldness. Yes! I am sure, that I don’t want to live out of suitcases, fight with several wild fans for his attention and crash parties all weekend, dead tired by morning. I think there should be more to life than all that.

Lance took deep breaths, and swallowed hard to drown out the pain of the words I had just said. I saw his Adam’s apple take somersaults. “You never really wanted to marry me, did you Nikki?”

“At first…” my eyes started to swell in tears. “At first...I didn’t...not because of you…but because I didn’t think my mind was ready to love someone unconditionally. But now with the tour and all…I decided that maybe it was time I stopped living in hotel rooms and living out of suitcases…and then maybe it was time I did something I wanted to do…something that made me Nikki.”

He made no moves to reply. He bent his head down and kicked the dirt around.

“I wanna go to school Lance, I want to go to college, work in crisis centers, help kids like me who have also been vicious victims of abuse, I can’t do that if I am always on the road...I can’t! Where’s the time?”

He still didn’t utter a word.

I stepped forward to comfort him. Taking him in my arms, I continued, “Lance...I would always love you. I don’t think there would be anything in me that wouldn’t love you…” I said with urgency. He looked away from my eyes, hiding his teary eyes. “Please listen to me, please.” My voice pleaded. I tilted his face to look into mine.

He gave me a brief remorseful look. “I love you so much to want to let you go…to want to do this and to tell you that if you want something really bad go for it…but right now, I know it can’t be me. It can’t…I’m just not ready for that type of commitment yet. I wish I were but I am not.”

As he shut his eyes a slivery teardrop came trickling down. “This is not fair Nikki.”

“I know…but life isn’t fair.” I placed a fond kiss on his mouth to calm him down. He didn’t want to respond but I persisted, forcing my tongue into his clenched mouth. He gave in with a little touch from his frozen tongue. “Comon...let’s go back inside.”

I urged him inside the hall, back into the restaurant but he held strong. “No…lets go home. I’m not in the mood for the guys…not right now,” he said. His eyes were reddened from all the crying.

I nodded obediently. I understood completely because I about had it with Justin and his antics anyway. “Okay...okay….let’s go home then.”